GothGeek's Musings

Halloween was great.

I dressed up a bit at work - just my elf ears and some fantasy type makeup, but normal clothes. It was really fun - everyone loved it! ^_^ I even thought I looked cute, so that was really saying something. Lori decided she had dressed up too - as a homicidal maniac ("since I look like everyone else...") LOL! Thursday was such an amusing day.

Friday, we looked at some more rental houses. The rent was so much less, but they're really too small. We'd have to rent a storage building too, and with that, we wouldn't save any on monthly expenses, with the added gasoline cost (they're out in the boonies). That was a real bummer, but there's still one trailer we can look at. Hopefully Tuesday.

Yesterday, we went grocery shopping. We've switched to doing it every 2 weeks instead of weekly. This saves 60 miles worth of gas, and buying in bulk for 2 weeks is cheaper than going it a week at a time. Hopefully we can get a space heater in a couple weeks, unless we find another place to live. The days are cold, and the nights are colder...and it's not even winter yet. T_T

Today, I feel icky. It's a mix of dissatisfaction and discontent. I'm thankful that we have a place to live at all, and that we can afford what bills we have. It's depressing that we can't afford better, or at least to have the heat turned on here.

+Kyle apologizes almost daily "for getting us into this". I tell him it's okay - and really, it is. Everything is going great with the exception of warmth. I asked him if he'd thought about getting a part time job on Thursday and Friday afternoons after school. It'd only be about 10 hours a week, and with that, we could *at least* get this place heated, or maybe even afford a nicer rental house. He changed the subject. My first thought was how lazy that seems, although I didn't say so.

I'm going to bring up my thoughts about a second job. He gets so distressed that I have to support us in the first place. I don't want to make him mad, but I think he might listen to reason if I started looking for more part time work. I'm tired most of the time during the week, and catch up on sleep (and housework) on the weekends. He knows this, and SURELY he would do the right thing if it looked like I was going to be working yet more.

I begin to wonder if I should have taken that job offer at the Ardmoreite after all.

Bizarre things are afoot. Last Sunday, I started feeling cruddy...like "that time of the month" cruddy. All the typical symptoms...nausea...tender nipples...fatigue... So 2 days went by and nothing happened. "That's kinda weird...but then, it's been a couple of months, and I've been under so much stress lately," I shrugged. The symptoms have only continued, increasing in severity. Now, 5 days later, I have odd sensations in my abdomen, my appetite has increased slightly, and I have a recurring backache in addition to all the rest. I started looking up symptoms, and, well...it's not looking so good. First off, it's highly improbable that anything DID happen. But if it did, I know when it happened...we made love at the lake, and my only thought was, "gee, if I were going to get pregnant, this would be the time that would do it". The strangest thing of all is that if I am, I'm okay with it. I've never been fond of kids - certainly never wanted any of my own...but having this "what if" in the back of my mind has made me realize that it's something I could do if necessary. I even had a dream about it last night. The problem... +Kyle was asking how I was feeling last night, and in the midst of relaying my symptoms, I blurted out, "I think I might be pregnant." His reaction was not good. I knew he'd be worried, but he took it to such an extreme that I really couldn't believe it. The worst thing is, I can't tell him how I feel about it. If I were pregnant, he doesn't want to keep it...thus I can't tell anyone. He's so paranoid about the whole thing that I can't tell him that I really think it would be okay. Yes, we'd have to make adjustments, especially with me working. Yes, it'd be (a LOT of) added expense and responsibility. Yes, it would be the exact opposite of what we planned and prepared for. But, we've always adapted to whatever new problem has arisen. What's more, we've ALWAYS been provided for, somehow. God has never let us down, even if we haven't been exactly comfortable in our surroundings. So anyway, we're going to get me tested on Monday...+Kyle just keeps saying to me over and over, "please don't be pregnant" and that hurts a lot more than I expect it to. I'm scared and worried, too, but I'm not 100% adverse to the idea like I used to be. If I do end up testing positive, I can't give it up to someone else to raise. No one else would do it right.

Good and bad. I was hoping to go help mom at a show this afternoon, but that never happened.

Got up, did some stuff around the house, answered emails, etc. +Kyle woke up around 11 or so, and we talked about some stuff. He was still in that mindset from last night, so he didn't want to talk about that much. He needed a hand with some stuff on the table saw, so we worked on that together, then came inside and did our own thing for awhile.

He ended up deciding that he did want to go after all, and then we got into a rather large fight. I tend to get confused when we're having an argument, and whenever that happens, we end up having a fight. He broke the wall and threatened to call a lawyer on Monday. -_- I got a kitchen knife and went into the bathroom. (I'm leaving a LOT of detail out...be glad...) Nothing happened much, and we ended up both collapsing in tears and made up. THANK GOD. I hate it when we fight. I know he does too, but so help me...he's wound tighter than a Swiss watch, and I don't think I could have said the right thing no matter what I said.

So anyway...we have to fix the wall now. But we are ok! We actually talked more about the WW program before going out to get sheetrock and stuff. He went for a pudding cup (The PW just gave us more) and noticed they were Fat Free.
Him: You know these Jello cups are the fat free kind, right?
Me: Yes, and they are SO good!
He downed one and I looked for something to munch on. Found some mini Oreo cookies, so I went for my point finder while he ate a small bag of the chocolate filled ones (yuck!).
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Deciding whether or not these are worth eating.
Him: Ahhh....okaaaaayyy.... (I'm going for milk) Does that count?
Me: Yeah, everything counts.
Him: Well, you said veggies don't count.
Me: Well, many veggies don't. Some have a high enough fiber content to make a point difference. But other than that, everything else counts. It's really not about picking what foods you can and can't eat, it's a matter of *how much* of the foods you eat.
Him: (showing mild interest, but munching away. Meanwhile, I've found that 9 mini cookies costs 3 points, so I get 5 of them and 4 oz. of milk.) Somehow that milk
Me: So, someone of my weight can eat between 22 and 27 points of food per day (in order to lose weight). It doesn't matter too much what you eat, as long as you stay within your range.
Him: So you can have like 5 points here and 5 points there?
Me: Yeah. I prefer to have more lower point foods throughout the day - 2 or 3 points here and there - because it lets me feel like I'm getting away with something.
He laughed a little bit, and seemed relieved to know that I wasn't out and out starving myself. Quite the contrary.

More to come...but for now I'm very tired.

So it's not Saturday...that's ok. I needed shorts to wear to the shop today. Printing is a VERY hot job, and the weather outside is already warming up quite a bit, so I dug through the drawers today to find anything useable.

I'm currently wearing a size 34 pair. That amazes me to no end. I can hardly wait to go through my jeans tomorrow and find out if I can wear anything else.

These are by no means comfortable. There's a long way to go before they don't pinch or bulge in places. But the mere fact that I can button them without lying down speaks volumes.

+Kyle still isn't thrilled with the whole idea. He's all 'I just don't think it's that big a deal' and 'I'm not going to have anything to hold on to' (meaning when he puts an arm around me at the mall or some such - get your mind out of the gutter. =) I can understand that. Frankly, I'm grateful for it, because it means that he really does find me attractive. Even so, I would like some support in this effort. He may love me the way I am, but I don't love me the way I am. How can I say what he wants me to say when he asks if I know I'm beautiful if I don't believe it myself?

We got into a bit of a tiff at the store last night because I was getting low point foods for me. Decided to try some FF/SF pudding to see if it was edible, and he picked up the box and started reading it off in that singsong-y mocking way. The dialog went like this:
Me: Are you going to be supportive of me in this or are you going to keep making fun of the decisions I'm making?
Him: Well, all this fat free and low calorie stuff isn't as good as the real thing.
Me: I know. But it's not like I have to do this forever. (Meanwhile thinking, 'but I will if that's what it takes to stay the weight I need to be')
Him: I just don't think it's that big of a deal.
Me: That's fine - it's a big deal to me.
Him: Well, fine, I'll just shut up about the whole thing.
Me: I'm not asking you to shut up. I'm just asking you to stop making fun of me for it. (A slight exaggeration, as he hasn't actually targeted me personally.)
Him: Silence, then change of subject.

He must have thought it over somewhat because we talked about it more today. I made cinnamon biscuits (from a can) for him at his request. He was eating them as we drove to work, and said:
Him: You can have some of these if you want them, you know.
Me: Thank you, but I'll hold off on those. They're not worth eating on the program I'm on.
Him: Why?
Me: Well, foods are all given point values based on calories, fat and fiber. Some foods have a high point value, and some have a low point value. Now, you can either have a few foods with high point value or have a lot of foods with low point values throughout the day. I would just rather eat a lot of low point foods throughout the day and have a decent dinner (with you) than 3 high point meals. I've read several articles on how it's better to eat light over a whole day than having 3 "square meals".
Him: (sounding more interested) Yeah, I've read some of the same things. Is this something you're going to stick with?
Me: Well, I made myself do it for a month, and tomorrow's the last day. I've been trying on all the jeans I can't wear every two weeks to see if they fit, and already added 2 pairs to my wardrobe. Tomorrow I'll do it again. I'm going to continue doing this for awhile if it's still working.
Him: Well what size are you wearing now?
Me: 34
Him: And what were you wearing before?
Me: 38
Him: That's the same size I wear.

I forget what happened then, but it just sort of trailed off, and then we got stuck behind some ridiculously slow traffic which made us both late. x_X

I don't think it's a program he'll join me on. He's talked about needing to lose some weight, and it's true he could come down 10 or 20 lbs, but then again, he's not in as bad shape as I am. He'd rather do it with exercise only, and not a change of diet. I really need to explain to him that I haven't really changed my diet that much - just been a little more careful about how much I'm actually eating. Maybe the opportunity will come up soon. It's just certain things that I'm changing - snacky stuff, mostly, which I do admittedly indulge in quite a bit. But instead of Ritz cheese crackers, I'll have pretzels and an apple. Maybe if I get some other "normal" snack foods and just eat them carefully, he will see that it's not so bad. ^_^'>

Today has been a mixed day...+Kyle had a day off, and earlier in the week we had planned to go biking today if the weather was nice. That's all well and good, except for that I, being the duck that I am (waking up in a new world every day, and all), forgot. Dad called this morning in panic mode - the job we worked on all day yesterday ended up being the wrong design....so I was going to go out and help out with that. Then my dear husband reminds me "I thought we were going to go out today." "Oh yeah!" (Not that I remembered WHAT we were going out to do, but I did realize we had some plan of some sort.) So I call back and see if my brother can help out instead because we have things that need doing today...long story short, I got a couple things together to run some errands "while we were out". Did +Kyle ask "Why are you doing that if we're just going to ride bikes?" or "Can that wait till we get back?" No... just "Oh, OK." Did he proceed to get the bikes out of the study so they'd be ready when I was through at the post office? No... So I'm at fault for forgetting, but also feel he's at fault for not mentioning (especially knowing my penchant for forgetting things) what we're doing. Long story short, we get into a fight outside the post office (still sitting in the truck, mind you), and he abandons me there. He actually walked home from the post office, leaving me in the truck. It's only a mile or 2 away, but geesh! "You can drive home, I'm walking." "No I can't - it's..." "Tough" (insert car door slam) "...illegal for me to drive without an unlicensed driver in the car with me."

So I waited 30 minutes in the truck for the post office to open...talking to myself, going over what was said and what happened, trying to make some rational judgement as to why, and all I can come up with is I'm an idiot who screws up everything I touch. I walked over to the gas station to call home and see if he'd gotten in ok. No answer. He's either ignoring the phone, turned it off, or never got inside.

So I waited some more...post office opened again, and I went in to mail stuff. The cute lady at the counter asked if all the stuff I mail is stuff I'm making. I tried to be polite and all, but I'd been crying for half an hour, so I didn't feel like being very talkative...any other day and I'd have gone on about my hobby.

Left the post office...debated driving home anyway, but with the way things have been for the past year, I'd have gotten pulled over for SOMETHING and ticketed for only having a permit...and we certainly can't afford that. So I walked home. About 3/4 of the way there, who do I see walking up the road? I crossed the street to meet him, and he just kept on walking. He walks fast anyway, but faster when he's mad, so I got left behind pretty quickly. We got to the truck and he started in with the "Why don't you want to spend time with me?" thing.

"I do, but I'm trying to help our financial situation as much as possible - trying to alleviate all the things you're SO worried about and you don't think I care to spend time with you?"

"You were so ready to drop our plans to help your dad."

"That was BEFORE you reminded me that we HAD plans to begin with." He knows I'm forgetful. Yada yada yada...we really could go on like this forever if I didn't apologize for whatever he seems to think I've done every time he's mad at something totally unrelated. Plus, I was mad because a few years ago we watched some movie where Kurt Russell let his wife go off to get help when their car broke down in the desert, and she ended up getting kidnapped, and he promised me then that he'd NEVER abandon me in a car like that. He doesn't remember it, but we never remember things the same way. I'm probably wrong somehow, but that's what I remember him saying, so that's what I was mad about.

This whole day happened because he's making $170 less than the bare minimum we need to pay our bills (not including groceries, gasoline, etc.) every month, and he just can't let that go and realize that we're BOTH still looking for SOME better job, we're being mostly provided for as far as food goes because of his current job. My little hobbies are bringing in a little bit of extra fundage, our landlady is FABULOUS about letting us pay rent when we can, and the other bills can be mostly taken care of. He just can't seem to comprehend working on one problem at a time - he lets everything pile up until one little annoying thing (like me) sets him off and he blows up (at me).

I said something snide before about him almost always jumping on "that machine" as soon as he gets home. He *sometimes* lets me hug him when he comes home, and he *sometimes* comes up and hugs me if I'm doing the dishes when he gets home, but 80% or more of the time the first thing he does is go for email, or a game, or something. And he complains that I don't want to spend time with him? It's no wonder I'm a chat addict. OK, so I'm not totally over it...I still feel hurt by his accusations and then his "Oh I'm sorry, were you saying something, dear?" when I was through going on about it.

So he's sitting at his computer, and I'm on the couch, seriously considering going into the kitchen and just slashing my wrists to ribbons like I promised I'd never do again. (The veins were throbbing so badly...I really wanted to cut like I haven't in years...that scares me now that I'm not in that mode.) Our neighbor (friend of my family for as long as I can remember) knocks on the door. He offered to help us out with rent the other day, and was coming over to talk with my hub about it. They went over to his house, and I sat in here and contemplated cutting some more. I ended up wrapping my forearms in paper towels and Priority mail tape to keep from doing anything stupid. I should take that off before we leave.

There really was a good part to today, but we're going to my parents' house for our usual Friday fare, so I'll have to write about that later.

...So now it's later. ^_^ Anyway, after awhile +Kyle came back over to get out current bank balances. I dug those out and took them over, and our neighbour invited me to stay and chat as well. Turns out we got some much-needed spiritual counseling, as well as help with our budget. He was an accountant major, and has really helped us see how to work with crisis management...negotiating with our bills and whatnot.

More importantly, he helped my husband see what I haven't been able to communicate to him - He HAS to learn to let things go. He has to put them aside and make that decision to not let them bother him, and put his faith (that God will provide) into action. He has to lay these things at the throne of grace.

Our neighbor is really a Moses when it comes to these things...he isn't elegant or eloquent in his speech, but he sure gets the point across. Thank God for this wonderful brother!!!! He hit numerous nails on the head - stuff my hubby didn't want to (and sometimes couldn't see to) admit. It's just so amazing to speak with someone so 'in tune' with the Word.

I know I need to put most (if not all) of these things more into practice too, but +Kyle has been affected the most by this. He thinks I don't care about the situation, but the truth is that I am at peace with whatever happens. I know it's for a reason, and that we'll get out of it. God's been too good to me (in spite of how difficult I've made that) for me NOT to acknowledge this. Plus just bottling things up is just one of those "guy" things to do. One more addition is that +Kyle is so anti-social. He doesn't mind talking with people...as long as he's not around them. Tonight on the way home from the 'rents house, he told me he wanted to get out of his shell, but at the same time he doesn't want to. I can understand that...he hasn't had good experiences with people overall. But take my (extended) family for instance - they're GREAT. I come from a long line of Christians, and everyone is just so....loving. Sure, I'm not entirely comfortable with my cousin's new husband - only cause I haven't really sat down and talked with him yet. Sure I still don't particularly like my widowered uncle's new wife (but that's another long long story), but that is more a problem with my unwillingness to accept her. My family is the best family I know....and my hubby wants little to do with them. I hope he can garner the strength to get over this aversion to people...I hope I can support him however he needs.

This has gone on too long...I ramble on so. -_- It just had to come out, though. I had to get rid of it, because making up today just wasn't enough this time.