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Taking Names...
May. 17th, 2004 11:38 pmBeing that we are no longer in Oklahoma, I need a new name for the blog.
Of course, Sweet Home Alabama comes to mind, simply for the name of the state, but considering my current state of mind...no.
Any ideas?
Of course, Sweet Home Alabama comes to mind, simply for the name of the state, but considering my current state of mind...no.
Any ideas?
Manic Mondae
May. 17th, 2004 08:21 pmToday has been busy.
Well...things are going to be very busy for quite some time.
We got a rather late start - didn't get up until about 8:30. Still staying at mom and dad's at night, as we have no sleeping arrangements at the house yet. Besides, they feed us. LOL
Played DDR with Noel for a bit. We left around 10:45 to return the U-Haul. Got it there in plenty of time...we came around full circle - took the van back to the same company we rented from when we moved out to Oklahoma two years ago. They're the only place in town who takes them anymore.
Went to the house and cleaned up a bit. Around 1:00, +Kyle went out to Decatur to talk to Mr. Graham about the job at Lucky's. I stayed at the house, called to cancel all of our utilities and things in Oklahoma, and got some of the living room arranged. Mostly, it consisted of moving boxes out of the living room and into the second bedroom. I got the entertainment center set up, and was just getting the couch cleared off to move it when +Kyle came back around 2:30 or so. Good news - he does have the job, and starts tomorrow - 3:00 to 9:00 p.m. He will likely be working Sunday evenings, which means time and a half. Don't think there are any benefits involved, but this is a start.
Mom called and came out shortly afterward to clean while we unpacked boxes. I'm SO grateful she's helping with this...we have been going pretty much non-stop for over four days, and the house is enough of a disaster area that the thought of doing actual cleaning, much less unpacking stuff, is overly daunting. The house isn't UNCLEAN, per se, but it's rather dusty in places, and has that old house smell. We need plants badly, and probaby potpourri or candles until it gets that normal lived-in smell again.
Before Mom actually got there, I went out to get the utilities here put into our name. +Kyle hates dealing with the people at Athens Futilities...they're not *that* bad. That took some doing, but it's done. I just remembered I was supposed to get a smoke detector today, though... :P Have to do it tomorrow.
Went around to about 5 places and picked up applications, and by then it was nearly 5:00, so I thought it was time to get back to the house and help out. Let's see...within biking distance there are many places I would be willing to work, many more I don't really care to work, and several that appear to be 'family' businesses that wouldn't accept outside help. I'll put in apps in that order until I find something. Geekgrrl said there's a position open at the hospital...it's secretarial, but I bet they have health insurance. :P
We cleaned and unpacked until about 6:30. The living room is looking almost liveable, but we have to figure out what to do with the computer desks. I think a setup like what we had in Madill will be best, but one of us will have to face away from the TV. That's fine with me...I don't really watch it when I'm using the computer. If I'm going to watch something, I'll sit down and watch it, or work on a project on the couch while doing so.
Got showered and came back to the 'rents' house for dinner, stopping by Piggly Wiggly first to say hi to +Kyle's old co-workers. Only Kristie was on, and he "scared the crap" out of her while she was in the office, sneaking up behind her silently. She was bent over, reading some article, and he came up behind her and said, "That's cute." She jumped, and we were most amused. We got keys made for the house, too, as I needed copies.
Had hamburgers at mom and dad's, played more DDR with Noel - we killed ourselves - did laundry, and have been catching up with emails and blogging for much of the evening.
Now we need to gather edibles...it is quite late, but hey, at least The Dreaded Mart of Wal in Athens is actually open 24 hours a day...
So in the morning, I need to fill out applications and take them around, then pick up more within a reasonable biking distance from the house. I need to find a job quite soon. Don't really want one, but we have got to get caught up financially, and there are so many movies we want to see this summer. ^_^'>
Tired. Need to shop. But mostly need sleep.
For your entertainment...something that Ian said he sent me, but I apparantly never received:
Hello C'thulu
And something else he posted in his blog...it made me giggle until I hurt...
Why you should never post your picture on the internet
Well...things are going to be very busy for quite some time.
We got a rather late start - didn't get up until about 8:30. Still staying at mom and dad's at night, as we have no sleeping arrangements at the house yet. Besides, they feed us. LOL
Played DDR with Noel for a bit. We left around 10:45 to return the U-Haul. Got it there in plenty of time...we came around full circle - took the van back to the same company we rented from when we moved out to Oklahoma two years ago. They're the only place in town who takes them anymore.
Went to the house and cleaned up a bit. Around 1:00, +Kyle went out to Decatur to talk to Mr. Graham about the job at Lucky's. I stayed at the house, called to cancel all of our utilities and things in Oklahoma, and got some of the living room arranged. Mostly, it consisted of moving boxes out of the living room and into the second bedroom. I got the entertainment center set up, and was just getting the couch cleared off to move it when +Kyle came back around 2:30 or so. Good news - he does have the job, and starts tomorrow - 3:00 to 9:00 p.m. He will likely be working Sunday evenings, which means time and a half. Don't think there are any benefits involved, but this is a start.
Mom called and came out shortly afterward to clean while we unpacked boxes. I'm SO grateful she's helping with this...we have been going pretty much non-stop for over four days, and the house is enough of a disaster area that the thought of doing actual cleaning, much less unpacking stuff, is overly daunting. The house isn't UNCLEAN, per se, but it's rather dusty in places, and has that old house smell. We need plants badly, and probaby potpourri or candles until it gets that normal lived-in smell again.
Sidestep...
We're watching some TechTV show...Nerd Nation, I think... It's about Star Wars fans, and I cannot believe what kind of tragic lives these people lead. They don't call them fanatics for nothing...
Before Mom actually got there, I went out to get the utilities here put into our name. +Kyle hates dealing with the people at Athens Futilities...they're not *that* bad. That took some doing, but it's done. I just remembered I was supposed to get a smoke detector today, though... :P Have to do it tomorrow.
Went around to about 5 places and picked up applications, and by then it was nearly 5:00, so I thought it was time to get back to the house and help out. Let's see...within biking distance there are many places I would be willing to work, many more I don't really care to work, and several that appear to be 'family' businesses that wouldn't accept outside help. I'll put in apps in that order until I find something. Geekgrrl said there's a position open at the hospital...it's secretarial, but I bet they have health insurance. :P
We cleaned and unpacked until about 6:30. The living room is looking almost liveable, but we have to figure out what to do with the computer desks. I think a setup like what we had in Madill will be best, but one of us will have to face away from the TV. That's fine with me...I don't really watch it when I'm using the computer. If I'm going to watch something, I'll sit down and watch it, or work on a project on the couch while doing so.
Got showered and came back to the 'rents' house for dinner, stopping by Piggly Wiggly first to say hi to +Kyle's old co-workers. Only Kristie was on, and he "scared the crap" out of her while she was in the office, sneaking up behind her silently. She was bent over, reading some article, and he came up behind her and said, "That's cute." She jumped, and we were most amused. We got keys made for the house, too, as I needed copies.
Had hamburgers at mom and dad's, played more DDR with Noel - we killed ourselves - did laundry, and have been catching up with emails and blogging for much of the evening.
Now we need to gather edibles...it is quite late, but hey, at least The Dreaded Mart of Wal in Athens is actually open 24 hours a day...
So in the morning, I need to fill out applications and take them around, then pick up more within a reasonable biking distance from the house. I need to find a job quite soon. Don't really want one, but we have got to get caught up financially, and there are so many movies we want to see this summer. ^_^'>
Tired. Need to shop. But mostly need sleep.
For your entertainment...something that Ian said he sent me, but I apparantly never received:
Hello C'thulu
And something else he posted in his blog...it made me giggle until I hurt...
Why you should never post your picture on the internet
Well...we're here, in more or less one piece. The trip was a disaster. Over 18 hours of driving - should have been no more than 14 hours.
Friday, we got finished packing the van around 7:00 pm, then went to to meet Scooter at the Western Inn for one last conversation over coffee. We pretty much just talked about Neverwinter Nights, getting our systems up on Linux, and good old geeky stuff. +Kyle and I had dinner of omelettes. Their Denver omelette is pretty darn good. Two hours and 6 or 7 cups of coffee later (and that was just me), it was time to say goodbye. It was quick...but it couldn't have been any other way. We stood and held each other for probably too long, although I don't think either of us really wanted to let go. He shook +Kyle's hand, then pulled him into a hug, and went to his car, saying he'd see us around.
I didn't even make it to the truck before breaking down. +Kyle put his arm around me as we walked and finally said, "If you want to stay, this is your last chance."
"The van is packed."
"That doesn't matter."
I think I just shook my head...I don't even remember if I said anything. I just got in the truck and we drove out, and took the highway up toward I-40. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.
Somewhere around Vian, OK, (midnightish?) we stopped for a break at a Phillips 66. I went inside, got cleaned up from crying so much, and then went for coffee. Some cop had just finished at the counter, and he and the guy were talking. I got something like a 16 oz. cup, and went up to pay for it. The guy at the counter was probably around 45, maybe 6 ft. tall, greying, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt with a Harley logo. "Traveling?"
"Yep...long, long drive..."
He just looked at me for a second, then said, "Are you a biker? Leather...all the black...chain wallet..." He smiled.
"No...this is just me..." I smiled a little.
I pulled out the wallet, and tried to pay, but he said, "Just take the coffee. You look like you need it."
I smiled a little more, thanked him, and left. That little exchange really blessed me. More than just the coffee, it was an element of caring that you don't see very often. I wish I'd gotten his name - I would have liked to send a note. I can't find a Phillips 66 actually IN Vian...the closest one listed in the yellow pages is about 8 miles away. I pray many many blessings in return for him.
We had planned on getting to Little Rock before stopping, but I wore out way too early. We only made it to Clarksville, which is about 100 miles west of Little Rock. We found a Super 8, and stopped for the night. The shower was nice.
We passed a place called Toad Suck, Arkansas shortly thereafter. We've passed it several times, of course, but I've never remembered to mention it until now. We crossed a bridge at one point, and there was a sign for Lotahwatah Road. There are way too many bridges on this drive.
I made about 12 mix tapes for the trip - only listened to about half of them, because I torture myself with depressing music when I'm already depressed. Maybe I'll post the playlist. Maybe not.
We left out around 11:00 the next day. Things went pretty smoothly until Mayflower, Arkansas...or actually about 7 miles out from it. It was about noon by then. Traffic stood at a complete halt up until just past the exit for Mayflower. We were in line for an hour.
Now, about a mile out from the exit, we saw a nasty wreck in the westbound lane. There was a trooper in the eastbound lane, but he wasn't the problem. Underneath the overpass at Mayflower, there was another cop keeping things slowed down for no apparant reason. Immediately past that, traffic picked up again.
Anyway, we got off at Mayflower because I needed petrol badly, and were there for probably half an hour because they were having trouble with EVERYTHING...the debit machine...the pumps...everything. The lady said it was her first day working alone, and everything that had could go wrong had - they had even run out of gasoline once already that day. (I'm not surprised, with all the people WAITING for AN HOUR...)
I called Nancy and the 'rents to tell them where we were and how far behind things were. Nancy sounded glad to hear from us.
So we drove and drove, and got to Memphis around 4:30 or 5:00. I hate that bridge. I hate it in the dark. I hate it even worse in the daytime.
Memphis was the seventh circle of hell. There is NO exit marked for Highway 72. We miss that exit every time we get off I-40. Every time. Even when we have directions. This time we got really lost, except for that we remembered that the road name was a tree...Pecan or Poplar...we were sure it started with a 'P'. Eventually we stopped and got directions, then happened upon Poplar. Problem was we turned West instead of East. So we got turned around, and of course by now, Rush Hour was REALLY going, so it was about 6:30 before we even got OUT of Memphis. I have to keep telling myself to stop looking at little maroon cars.
Somewhere in Memphis, while stopped at one of the million or so stoplights, I saw a store called Dan West Christmas Supplies. Their little slogan was, "When it comes to Christmas...go West..." I don't know why, but it was of interest at the time.
That was the most harrowing part, and I really got to the point of not being able to control myself. Could not stop crying. +Kyle kept getting on the radio and asking where we should be turning, etc., and of course I have no idea, so that just made me crazier. I was pretty rude, screaming at him and such... I plead temporary insanity. I told him I wasn't ready to make this move. I told him I couldn't handle it, that my nerves were already shot to hell and that I really needed to wait a few more weeks to settle down.
But anyway... In Germantown, we pulled over, and +Kyle basically told me that I just had to pull myself together and keep going. Maybe I needed it, but at the time I definitely didn't want to hear it. He went off and called the 'rents and his mom to tell them what was going on, we got some drinks and went on.
Somewhere in Mississippi we stopped again at a little gas station to fill up. Some kid who looked about 12 came out of the store holding a root beer, then got into a green VW beetle (his shirt matched), backed out, and drove back behind the station, to some housing in the back. The guy who runs the store came out, saw me gawking, and said, "Don't be surprised when you see things like that around here." I guess the kid really was about 12. He looked like a sandy blonde Daniel Radcliffe...Harry Potter glasses and everything.
The clerk said we had another 3-1/2 to 4 hours drive to the Huntsville area. I called the Scotts again - Jim answered this time - to let them know we would be getting in FAR later than anticipated and didn't want to bother them when we got in, instead. He sounded glad to hear from me, too, and wished us well.
The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful...just long...
We got to Athens right around 10:30. Found the house with little difficulty. It's a nice place. Hardwood floors. Basement. Probably about 1200 sq. ft. It's a steal, really, at $350 a month.
I've got to find a job. I was really hoping to be able to take a break, but even if +Kyle gets this job tomorrow, it's not going to pay the bills, much less get us caught up. He's talking about getting a second job, too, but we need fun money, too, or we're going to go insane. There are way many movies this summer that will not be worthy unless seen on the big screen. We would like to bowl more regularly, go skating, etc., take Ian, the boys, and probably Logan out some. Need to get out with Gamegod and Geekgrrl...etc.
Oh well... It's late, and that's pretty much the whole trip, so...for now, goodnight.
Friday, we got finished packing the van around 7:00 pm, then went to to meet Scooter at the Western Inn for one last conversation over coffee. We pretty much just talked about Neverwinter Nights, getting our systems up on Linux, and good old geeky stuff. +Kyle and I had dinner of omelettes. Their Denver omelette is pretty darn good. Two hours and 6 or 7 cups of coffee later (and that was just me), it was time to say goodbye. It was quick...but it couldn't have been any other way. We stood and held each other for probably too long, although I don't think either of us really wanted to let go. He shook +Kyle's hand, then pulled him into a hug, and went to his car, saying he'd see us around.
I didn't even make it to the truck before breaking down. +Kyle put his arm around me as we walked and finally said, "If you want to stay, this is your last chance."
"The van is packed."
"That doesn't matter."
I think I just shook my head...I don't even remember if I said anything. I just got in the truck and we drove out, and took the highway up toward I-40. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.
In doing this, I realize...or at least think I do...that leaving must be the right thing to do...because it was so damn hard. It's almost never truly easy to do the right thing. Not really. Even for so-called "good people". If it's easy...if it doesn't hurt...require some sacrifice...is it really right? I've been called a martyr for saying things like this, but isn't it true, really? Staying would have been selfish...a hell of a lot easier than leaving, especially after the fight we'd had earlier that day...but selfish nonetheless. Is thinking like this being lost in self-pity? I don't think so...it's just one of those things that keeps popping up.
I know that, had I stayed, a life would have been available. They'd have welcomed me back at the Record. I'd have had friends. I'd have gone to school - maybe not for the language, but MSC had some courses I'd have been interested in, and Ms. Coulter seemed like such a wonderful teacher. I'd have kept going to New Beginnings, and gotten involved with the people of that church. Most importantly to me, I'd have had a family - maybe not by blood, but certainly by agape.
So I just prayed. I took something Don said a few weeks ago, and prayed to be like Jabez. My name may not be a cursed name, and there are millions of people with harder lives than mine, but I asked blessing. I asked that this decision to leave behind that which I want, for sake of ease and all the rest, this decision to stay with +Kyle, knowing that the healing needed is going to take time and hard work and many many unpleasant days...to be blessed. I'm not doing it FOR blessings. I made the decision to stick by him because it seems the right thing to do. But I asked them anyway, because I am so tired of being sad...of hurting... I don't think it's wrong of me to ask this, because Jabez did, and God blessed him just for asking.
I also asked Him not to make me wait too long for real happiness.
Somewhere around Vian, OK, (midnightish?) we stopped for a break at a Phillips 66. I went inside, got cleaned up from crying so much, and then went for coffee. Some cop had just finished at the counter, and he and the guy were talking. I got something like a 16 oz. cup, and went up to pay for it. The guy at the counter was probably around 45, maybe 6 ft. tall, greying, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt with a Harley logo. "Traveling?"
"Yep...long, long drive..."
He just looked at me for a second, then said, "Are you a biker? Leather...all the black...chain wallet..." He smiled.
"No...this is just me..." I smiled a little.
I pulled out the wallet, and tried to pay, but he said, "Just take the coffee. You look like you need it."
I smiled a little more, thanked him, and left. That little exchange really blessed me. More than just the coffee, it was an element of caring that you don't see very often. I wish I'd gotten his name - I would have liked to send a note. I can't find a Phillips 66 actually IN Vian...the closest one listed in the yellow pages is about 8 miles away. I pray many many blessings in return for him.
We had planned on getting to Little Rock before stopping, but I wore out way too early. We only made it to Clarksville, which is about 100 miles west of Little Rock. We found a Super 8, and stopped for the night. The shower was nice.
We passed a place called Toad Suck, Arkansas shortly thereafter. We've passed it several times, of course, but I've never remembered to mention it until now. We crossed a bridge at one point, and there was a sign for Lotahwatah Road. There are way too many bridges on this drive.
I made about 12 mix tapes for the trip - only listened to about half of them, because I torture myself with depressing music when I'm already depressed. Maybe I'll post the playlist. Maybe not.
We left out around 11:00 the next day. Things went pretty smoothly until Mayflower, Arkansas...or actually about 7 miles out from it. It was about noon by then. Traffic stood at a complete halt up until just past the exit for Mayflower. We were in line for an hour.
Now, about a mile out from the exit, we saw a nasty wreck in the westbound lane. There was a trooper in the eastbound lane, but he wasn't the problem. Underneath the overpass at Mayflower, there was another cop keeping things slowed down for no apparant reason. Immediately past that, traffic picked up again.
Anyway, we got off at Mayflower because I needed petrol badly, and were there for probably half an hour because they were having trouble with EVERYTHING...the debit machine...the pumps...everything. The lady said it was her first day working alone, and everything that had could go wrong had - they had even run out of gasoline once already that day. (I'm not surprised, with all the people WAITING for AN HOUR...)
I called Nancy and the 'rents to tell them where we were and how far behind things were. Nancy sounded glad to hear from us.
So we drove and drove, and got to Memphis around 4:30 or 5:00. I hate that bridge. I hate it in the dark. I hate it even worse in the daytime.
Memphis was the seventh circle of hell. There is NO exit marked for Highway 72. We miss that exit every time we get off I-40. Every time. Even when we have directions. This time we got really lost, except for that we remembered that the road name was a tree...Pecan or Poplar...we were sure it started with a 'P'. Eventually we stopped and got directions, then happened upon Poplar. Problem was we turned West instead of East. So we got turned around, and of course by now, Rush Hour was REALLY going, so it was about 6:30 before we even got OUT of Memphis. I have to keep telling myself to stop looking at little maroon cars.
Somewhere in Memphis, while stopped at one of the million or so stoplights, I saw a store called Dan West Christmas Supplies. Their little slogan was, "When it comes to Christmas...go West..." I don't know why, but it was of interest at the time.
That was the most harrowing part, and I really got to the point of not being able to control myself. Could not stop crying. +Kyle kept getting on the radio and asking where we should be turning, etc., and of course I have no idea, so that just made me crazier. I was pretty rude, screaming at him and such... I plead temporary insanity. I told him I wasn't ready to make this move. I told him I couldn't handle it, that my nerves were already shot to hell and that I really needed to wait a few more weeks to settle down.
But anyway... In Germantown, we pulled over, and +Kyle basically told me that I just had to pull myself together and keep going. Maybe I needed it, but at the time I definitely didn't want to hear it. He went off and called the 'rents and his mom to tell them what was going on, we got some drinks and went on.
Somewhere in Mississippi we stopped again at a little gas station to fill up. Some kid who looked about 12 came out of the store holding a root beer, then got into a green VW beetle (his shirt matched), backed out, and drove back behind the station, to some housing in the back. The guy who runs the store came out, saw me gawking, and said, "Don't be surprised when you see things like that around here." I guess the kid really was about 12. He looked like a sandy blonde Daniel Radcliffe...Harry Potter glasses and everything.
The clerk said we had another 3-1/2 to 4 hours drive to the Huntsville area. I called the Scotts again - Jim answered this time - to let them know we would be getting in FAR later than anticipated and didn't want to bother them when we got in, instead. He sounded glad to hear from me, too, and wished us well.
The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful...just long...
We got to Athens right around 10:30. Found the house with little difficulty. It's a nice place. Hardwood floors. Basement. Probably about 1200 sq. ft. It's a steal, really, at $350 a month.
I've got to find a job. I was really hoping to be able to take a break, but even if +Kyle gets this job tomorrow, it's not going to pay the bills, much less get us caught up. He's talking about getting a second job, too, but we need fun money, too, or we're going to go insane. There are way many movies this summer that will not be worthy unless seen on the big screen. We would like to bowl more regularly, go skating, etc., take Ian, the boys, and probably Logan out some. Need to get out with Gamegod and Geekgrrl...etc.
Oh well... It's late, and that's pretty much the whole trip, so...for now, goodnight.
Too Freakin' Long
May. 15th, 2004 11:42 pmWell, the trip was a lot more harrowing than expected. We're here in one piece, but I am utterly spent.
+Kyle likes the house.
Please don't wake me,
no don't shake me.
Leave me where I am.
I'm only sleeping.
+Kyle likes the house.
Please don't wake me,
no don't shake me.
Leave me where I am.
I'm only sleeping.
I don't know what to do.
+Kyle says he's not willing to wait any longer for me to "fall in love" with him. He's at his wit's end and says he has given me long enough to be happy with him - 4 weeks. He says I should just stay here.
Says he's going to be miserable if we keep going the way we are, and says I shouldn't be miserable just trying to make him happy...
I'm going anyway, but I don't know if it's really the right thing to do now. But I don't know if staying is really what I want, either. I've been willing to try, but if he's not willing to let me, what can I do?
Time to shut down the machines and finish packing the house.
Sigh. What should I do?
+Kyle says he's not willing to wait any longer for me to "fall in love" with him. He's at his wit's end and says he has given me long enough to be happy with him - 4 weeks. He says I should just stay here.
Says he's going to be miserable if we keep going the way we are, and says I shouldn't be miserable just trying to make him happy...
I'm going anyway, but I don't know if it's really the right thing to do now. But I don't know if staying is really what I want, either. I've been willing to try, but if he's not willing to let me, what can I do?
Time to shut down the machines and finish packing the house.
Sigh. What should I do?
I realize it's probably a good thing that Scooter is not online tonight... I can't be emotionally dependent on someone who isn't around. It would be comforting, but also painful.
+Kyle is driving me absolutely bonkers, though. He keeps asking me what's wrong. It hasn't changed - I don't want to move, but I am going to anyway. I told him I'd work through this with him, that I'd be with him no matter what. He's moving, so that means I have to as well. He says I'm not trying to make this work. How can I tell him about my inner battle? I may have had to force down emotional attachment from Scooter, but I *do* still love him. Just because he's not going to be around doesn't mean he'll be gone from my mind or my heart right away.
I wish that the idea of seeing everyone again was comforting or even happy, but it's not. All I can see right now is that I am leaving a lot of people I love dearly behind...especially one.
+Kyle wrote this immense letter today outlining that he wants to be everything for me...so much so that I never even think of another man. He wants me to smile about him like he does about me. Having little more than compassion for +Kyle right now, that's not a thought that seems feasible. It doesn't sound pleasant. It feels like going back to prison after being pardoned from a life sentence. Isn't that a horrible way for me to feel?
I want to do the right thing...apparantly that is to stay with +Kyle and work my ass off for the next however many years. But at the same time, I see my reasons to smile being left behind. Perhaps I will find old ones again in Alabama. Perhaps new, what with school coming up...although I think I'm going to have to put it off because +Kyle keeps reminding me how much debt we already have. -_- I really don't want to do that, because if I don't go back now, I may never go back.
For +Kyle's sake, I'm hopeful that these strong emotions will fade over time, but I'm also fearful that they will. No one *wants* to hurt, but I am afraid that one day I will find I don't miss him that much, and the pain inside me even now will cease. What happens in that case? What if he still misses me? Or what if he finds he doesn't miss me so much anymore, either? What if he finds someone else? I would be happy for him...but would I not also feel a sense of loss? He says he doesn't want anyone else...but life tends to throw things at us when we least expect it. I have to keep that possibility in mind. He is strong, but can he last that long? Will he grow weary? Will loneliness overtake him? Bitterness? I hope not. I have given him yet another hypocrite to despise, yet he does not see it, or at least, has not acknowledged it to me.
+Kyle is driving me absolutely bonkers, though. He keeps asking me what's wrong. It hasn't changed - I don't want to move, but I am going to anyway. I told him I'd work through this with him, that I'd be with him no matter what. He's moving, so that means I have to as well. He says I'm not trying to make this work. How can I tell him about my inner battle? I may have had to force down emotional attachment from Scooter, but I *do* still love him. Just because he's not going to be around doesn't mean he'll be gone from my mind or my heart right away.
I wish that the idea of seeing everyone again was comforting or even happy, but it's not. All I can see right now is that I am leaving a lot of people I love dearly behind...especially one.
+Kyle wrote this immense letter today outlining that he wants to be everything for me...so much so that I never even think of another man. He wants me to smile about him like he does about me. Having little more than compassion for +Kyle right now, that's not a thought that seems feasible. It doesn't sound pleasant. It feels like going back to prison after being pardoned from a life sentence. Isn't that a horrible way for me to feel?
I want to do the right thing...apparantly that is to stay with +Kyle and work my ass off for the next however many years. But at the same time, I see my reasons to smile being left behind. Perhaps I will find old ones again in Alabama. Perhaps new, what with school coming up...although I think I'm going to have to put it off because +Kyle keeps reminding me how much debt we already have. -_- I really don't want to do that, because if I don't go back now, I may never go back.
For +Kyle's sake, I'm hopeful that these strong emotions will fade over time, but I'm also fearful that they will. No one *wants* to hurt, but I am afraid that one day I will find I don't miss him that much, and the pain inside me even now will cease. What happens in that case? What if he still misses me? Or what if he finds he doesn't miss me so much anymore, either? What if he finds someone else? I would be happy for him...but would I not also feel a sense of loss? He says he doesn't want anyone else...but life tends to throw things at us when we least expect it. I have to keep that possibility in mind. He is strong, but can he last that long? Will he grow weary? Will loneliness overtake him? Bitterness? I hope not. I have given him yet another hypocrite to despise, yet he does not see it, or at least, has not acknowledged it to me.
We're nearly down to the last 24 hours... I imagine we'll be leaving out of here around 5:00 or so Friday.
I wish I could get excited about this whole move thing. Yeah, it'll be nice to see everyone, but I haven't been ready for this, and I'm not any more ready than I was.
At least +Kyle is happy.
I wish I could get excited about this whole move thing. Yeah, it'll be nice to see everyone, but I haven't been ready for this, and I'm not any more ready than I was.
At least +Kyle is happy.
(no subject)
Apr. 10th, 2004 06:14 pmNancy thanked me.. She was fixing breakfast, and just kindof stopped for a second and said, "In case I don't get another chance to tell you, thank you for being Scooter's friend. He really needs one right now."
I laughed lightly, and said there was nothing to thank me for... I've only ever done that which I'm halfway proficient at doing, and I'm not even very good at that... Besides, he has always been a wonderful friend to me. I almost said more, but chose against it.
I've alluded to some of the difficulties between me and +Kyle this weekend... She has said, not knowing everything, that I need to pray about it a lot, and follow my heart.
Good Lord that is getting to be a repetitive answer. Everyone's telling me the same thing, though... Even +Kyle did at one point. Make yourself happy. Follow your heart.
Everyone except the people I'm afraid of. My parents. The church. Etc...
I know what it is I want to do. I want to stay here. I want to be alone...no relationships...no pressure... Just to get on with life as I see fit. I have a potential plan all worked out, and it's good.
It would explain why my dreams of future events never involve +Kyle.
He will not grant me a separation. If we split up, it will be for keeps. He wants a clean break from Oklahoma...he will want the same with me. I sense that he will not want even friendship after such a departure, but I will offer it freely.
I laughed lightly, and said there was nothing to thank me for... I've only ever done that which I'm halfway proficient at doing, and I'm not even very good at that... Besides, he has always been a wonderful friend to me. I almost said more, but chose against it.
I've alluded to some of the difficulties between me and +Kyle this weekend... She has said, not knowing everything, that I need to pray about it a lot, and follow my heart.
Good Lord that is getting to be a repetitive answer. Everyone's telling me the same thing, though... Even +Kyle did at one point. Make yourself happy. Follow your heart.
Everyone except the people I'm afraid of. My parents. The church. Etc...
I know what it is I want to do. I want to stay here. I want to be alone...no relationships...no pressure... Just to get on with life as I see fit. I have a potential plan all worked out, and it's good.
It would explain why my dreams of future events never involve +Kyle.
He will not grant me a separation. If we split up, it will be for keeps. He wants a clean break from Oklahoma...he will want the same with me. I sense that he will not want even friendship after such a departure, but I will offer it freely.
Moving Soon
Mar. 31st, 2004 05:35 pmMarsha said something interesting when we were talking about moving.
"Sometimes you make a decision, and it doesn't turn out to be the right one for you. But you can't look back. You just make it work."
Sounds good.
I'm still not feeling very sanguine about moving soon, but I do trust that all things work together for good...
"Sometimes you make a decision, and it doesn't turn out to be the right one for you. But you can't look back. You just make it work."
Sounds good.
I'm still not feeling very sanguine about moving soon, but I do trust that all things work together for good...
So I brought up my idea to +Kyle yesterday. He doesn't seem too keen on it, but then I didn't really fully explain it, I guess.
Neither of us is really happy. I just haven't been, and he's not because I'm not.
So what if we start over?
He can take the truck and leave on the 5th like he's dying to do. If he's already got a job lined up, great. All he has to do is find a place for us to live. Set up a household. I'll stay here and keep working for another week or so...however long it takes him.
Obviously, we'd stay in touch during this time. We could email and ICQ, or talk on the phone. Maybe we can learn to communicate again, maybe even better than before.
He wants me to rely on him and depend on him. I see this idea as a way to make that possible. I don't have especially romantic feelings for him, but I do love him...agape...I want the best for him. I've stayed with him because I love him. I've tried this whole time to be the wife he needs and wants. I know it's not enough, especially now that he hates pretty much everything I do. YET, he wants me to change nearly everything about who I am, so he can be happy with me, and still want me to be happy.
Maybe I should just have him tell me what to do. What I can wear, what I can't. What I can say, what I can't. Where I can go, where I can't. Who I can talk to, who I can't. Just let him dictate every aspect of my life. It's his, anyway, as he likes to remind me every so often.
Mostly he just got upset because we had already talked about not separating. But I don't see that it's necessarily a bad thing, if it can be a rebirth.
Neither of us is really happy. I just haven't been, and he's not because I'm not.
So what if we start over?
He can take the truck and leave on the 5th like he's dying to do. If he's already got a job lined up, great. All he has to do is find a place for us to live. Set up a household. I'll stay here and keep working for another week or so...however long it takes him.
Obviously, we'd stay in touch during this time. We could email and ICQ, or talk on the phone. Maybe we can learn to communicate again, maybe even better than before.
He wants me to rely on him and depend on him. I see this idea as a way to make that possible. I don't have especially romantic feelings for him, but I do love him...agape...I want the best for him. I've stayed with him because I love him. I've tried this whole time to be the wife he needs and wants. I know it's not enough, especially now that he hates pretty much everything I do. YET, he wants me to change nearly everything about who I am, so he can be happy with me, and still want me to be happy.
Maybe I should just have him tell me what to do. What I can wear, what I can't. What I can say, what I can't. Where I can go, where I can't. Who I can talk to, who I can't. Just let him dictate every aspect of my life. It's his, anyway, as he likes to remind me every so often.
Mostly he just got upset because we had already talked about not separating. But I don't see that it's necessarily a bad thing, if it can be a rebirth.
Give me a head with hair...
Mar. 18th, 2004 12:15 pmMy hair is freaking awesome today.
I left the shampoo and conditioner in for about 10 minutes whilst shaving my legs (weather is warming up BEAUTIFULLY...shorts weather!) last night, and wow...the difference is absolutely incredible.
In other news, I have had some interesting dreams this week, and my recall is pretty good the past few days. I remembered three out of four from this morning...not bad! Still have to post them, though.
Went to the courthouse to drop off published legal notices and took some pictures of acquaintances, as well as some of the actual courthouse, just because it's neat looking. Went to the bank, but neither Billie nor Juany was around, so I will have to go back tomorrow and hope they're available for pix. Went to the post office and got one of Patti and the other girl who sometimes works at the front desk. Got some pictures of things around the square, too: The Little Law Firm office building, because it's just gorgeous architecture, and this horrendous piece of graffiti on the side of Gorrell's Martial Arts' building. It's two people in karate uniform, but the proportions are dreadful, and the images rather scary. It's just ugly, but I've been meaning to get pictures ever since we MOVED here, so I hope they come out.
Almost used up one of the instant cams, doing so. Will need to take another one around, perhaps this weekend.
I left the shampoo and conditioner in for about 10 minutes whilst shaving my legs (weather is warming up BEAUTIFULLY...shorts weather!) last night, and wow...the difference is absolutely incredible.
In other news, I have had some interesting dreams this week, and my recall is pretty good the past few days. I remembered three out of four from this morning...not bad! Still have to post them, though.
Went to the courthouse to drop off published legal notices and took some pictures of acquaintances, as well as some of the actual courthouse, just because it's neat looking. Went to the bank, but neither Billie nor Juany was around, so I will have to go back tomorrow and hope they're available for pix. Went to the post office and got one of Patti and the other girl who sometimes works at the front desk. Got some pictures of things around the square, too: The Little Law Firm office building, because it's just gorgeous architecture, and this horrendous piece of graffiti on the side of Gorrell's Martial Arts' building. It's two people in karate uniform, but the proportions are dreadful, and the images rather scary. It's just ugly, but I've been meaning to get pictures ever since we MOVED here, so I hope they come out.
Almost used up one of the instant cams, doing so. Will need to take another one around, perhaps this weekend.
I'm having a hard time reading +Kyle today. He's being short, and it's hard for me to decipher, because usually (or used to be?) when he's short, he's upset over something. He said there's nothing wrong - first he was just busy, and then he was saying how it's no big deal if I want to go ahead and start dinner while he's out.
Sigh. I know in my head that there's nothing wrong, but it just feels weird, which disturbs me, because I had a really good day today. Hardly any stress, lots of laughter and music and stories at work. And pictures. ^_^ Jay even took one of me and Edith.
Sigh. I know in my head that there's nothing wrong, but it just feels weird, which disturbs me, because I had a really good day today. Hardly any stress, lots of laughter and music and stories at work. And pictures. ^_^ Jay even took one of me and Edith.
Billie is just a doll
Mar. 12th, 2004 11:41 pmI went in to deposit my paycheck this morning, peppier than I have been of late. As we chatted, she said, "You know, your name just suits you so well."
"Really? Why's that?"
"Because you're just like a little mermaid." She laughed, "But I bet you've heard that before."
I laughed, too. "Yep; it always used to bug me when I was a kid, because I came before she did..but really, I wanted to be her."
I had to fill out the deposit slip since I had run out of pre-printed ones, so we had some time.
"Well, we're down to 54 days," I said.
"Counting them down, are we?"
"Yep. Well, we have been ever since it was 120 days, but when +Kyle said it was down to 59 the other day, it really struck me. I've got to go around town and get pictures of everyone & everything."
She laughed and told me to make sure to write everyone's name on them so I wouldn't forget.
"I couldn't forget everyone I've met here. You know, we've said ever since we moved here that we'd never be back, but I'm beginning to think that maybe 'never' is too long."
"Yeah, you'll have to come back and visit sometime." She has this perpetual ^_^ on her face.
"Maybe for the Sand Bass Festival sometime - everyone will be there, we wouldn't have to look for anyone."
"Yup! Just sit on the corner and wave as they pass by...just like the little mermaid." We both laughed, and she got my customary roll of quarters...laundry...always laundry...
I'm gonna miss her cheerfulness on Fridays.
"Really? Why's that?"
"Because you're just like a little mermaid." She laughed, "But I bet you've heard that before."
I laughed, too. "Yep; it always used to bug me when I was a kid, because I came before she did..but really, I wanted to be her."
I had to fill out the deposit slip since I had run out of pre-printed ones, so we had some time.
"Well, we're down to 54 days," I said.
"Counting them down, are we?"
"Yep. Well, we have been ever since it was 120 days, but when +Kyle said it was down to 59 the other day, it really struck me. I've got to go around town and get pictures of everyone & everything."
She laughed and told me to make sure to write everyone's name on them so I wouldn't forget.
"I couldn't forget everyone I've met here. You know, we've said ever since we moved here that we'd never be back, but I'm beginning to think that maybe 'never' is too long."
"Yeah, you'll have to come back and visit sometime." She has this perpetual ^_^ on her face.
"Maybe for the Sand Bass Festival sometime - everyone will be there, we wouldn't have to look for anyone."
"Yup! Just sit on the corner and wave as they pass by...just like the little mermaid." We both laughed, and she got my customary roll of quarters...laundry...always laundry...
I'm gonna miss her cheerfulness on Fridays.
+Kyle called JC's for that interview time. Seemed to be a good thing, but Mr. Vaughn sounded annoyed to him on the phone. Worry!
Went to see![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
desireah first thing. We caught up a bit. She seems to be doing well - in a band, and all, working. She's broken her 3-month record of having a boyfriend (5 months and counting! Grats!) She's basically the only one of the four of us (Joy, Liz, Des & me) who seems to have wound up where she planned. Maybe Liz did too, being that she's trying the modeling thing. Joy's married now; Vicky still hates Des, so go figure that one out. I wound up in freaking Oklahoma.
I can't wait to get back. I'm hoping to spend time with Des again - watching her play and going to karaoke and everything.
Got back at 11:00. +Kyle was annoyed because I'd thought I'd be back by 10:30. Left immediately for Decatur.
I started packing things, but went to store with Dad and met Keith, Logan's dad. Saw Logan again, got phone number and made him promise to call.
+Kyle got back around 1:00, discouraged. JC's doesn't actually *do* gunsmithing anymore. Nice of them to actually *tell* +Kyle before he wasted his and their time going in to talk with them. :P
It may actually have been a good thing, though. Mr. Vaughn gave him some information about two places that they farm their gunsmithing needs out to - one in Somerville, AL, and one in Cowan, TN. +Kyle at first wasn't inclined to contact either one, simply because they're more than an hours' drive from the Athens/Huntsville area. Dad simply mentioned that this was only a start: that to start there may not necessarily mean forever.,.in other words, he could keep looking closer to the area.
+Kyle was also a bit afraid of, "What if they do ofer me a job, and I find something better later?" Dad told him it's a matter of being polite and businesslike, just write to tell them 'thank you' for their faith and interest in him, but that an offer closer to our target living area had come up. He listened! Who is this person, and what has he done with +Kyle?
Hehe...no, really, I am indescribably proud of +Kyle and the progress he's made since we've been gone. He actually gets out, and makes some modicum of effort to meet people, or at least put up with them for a little while. He *wants* to come back to the North Alabama area, because he actually *misses* our family and friends. I'm highly impressed by the growth that being away seems to have inspired.
I did get to spend some time withdesireah this morning. I've been afraid to talk with her for awhile, largely because I've been so terrible about keeping in touch. We've never really had a major fight that has distanced us, it's just been a gradual thing that quickened after I got married. When we get back to the area, I look forward to spending more time with her again. I doubt we'll ever be as close as we used to be, but we'll always be friends.
So anyway, we had planned on leaving out of here around 4:00 today, but +Kyle didn't get back until around 6:00.
They didn't offer him a position, but they may be looking to hire around the time he graduates. As of now, if they don't hire anyone else, they have enough work to keep them busy until June of this year. Imagine the waiting list they could have come May. It's a very good prospect, if nothing else. They did bring up their pay scale, which I take as a very good sign. It would be right around what +Kyle is asking, which would be plenty for us to live on.
+Kyle plans to go back to the area during Spring Break so he can look for housing. Cowan is about a 90-minute drive from the 'rents. Cost of living is about the same as this area, so if I were able to work part-time, we could pay off debt *and* save a bit as well, just living off what he makes.
We really hope something comes of this. Pray for us!
We decided it would be best to go on back to Oklahoma, due to me already missing two days of work. We packed the car and left around 8:00. I'd have liked to have seen more people: Rita & Lindy...Nathan, and maybe Sherry...Jinni & the kids... Ah well. I guess we'll see what happens in May!
Went to see
desireah first thing. We caught up a bit. She seems to be doing well - in a band, and all, working. She's broken her 3-month record of having a boyfriend (5 months and counting! Grats!) She's basically the only one of the four of us (Joy, Liz, Des & me) who seems to have wound up where she planned. Maybe Liz did too, being that she's trying the modeling thing. Joy's married now; Vicky still hates Des, so go figure that one out. I wound up in freaking Oklahoma.I can't wait to get back. I'm hoping to spend time with Des again - watching her play and going to karaoke and everything.
Got back at 11:00. +Kyle was annoyed because I'd thought I'd be back by 10:30. Left immediately for Decatur.
I started packing things, but went to store with Dad and met Keith, Logan's dad. Saw Logan again, got phone number and made him promise to call.
+Kyle got back around 1:00, discouraged. JC's doesn't actually *do* gunsmithing anymore. Nice of them to actually *tell* +Kyle before he wasted his and their time going in to talk with them. :P
It may actually have been a good thing, though. Mr. Vaughn gave him some information about two places that they farm their gunsmithing needs out to - one in Somerville, AL, and one in Cowan, TN. +Kyle at first wasn't inclined to contact either one, simply because they're more than an hours' drive from the Athens/Huntsville area. Dad simply mentioned that this was only a start: that to start there may not necessarily mean forever.,.in other words, he could keep looking closer to the area.
+Kyle was also a bit afraid of, "What if they do ofer me a job, and I find something better later?" Dad told him it's a matter of being polite and businesslike, just write to tell them 'thank you' for their faith and interest in him, but that an offer closer to our target living area had come up. He listened! Who is this person, and what has he done with +Kyle?
Hehe...no, really, I am indescribably proud of +Kyle and the progress he's made since we've been gone. He actually gets out, and makes some modicum of effort to meet people, or at least put up with them for a little while. He *wants* to come back to the North Alabama area, because he actually *misses* our family and friends. I'm highly impressed by the growth that being away seems to have inspired.
I did get to spend some time with
desireah this morning. I've been afraid to talk with her for awhile, largely because I've been so terrible about keeping in touch. We've never really had a major fight that has distanced us, it's just been a gradual thing that quickened after I got married. When we get back to the area, I look forward to spending more time with her again. I doubt we'll ever be as close as we used to be, but we'll always be friends.So anyway, we had planned on leaving out of here around 4:00 today, but +Kyle didn't get back until around 6:00.
They didn't offer him a position, but they may be looking to hire around the time he graduates. As of now, if they don't hire anyone else, they have enough work to keep them busy until June of this year. Imagine the waiting list they could have come May. It's a very good prospect, if nothing else. They did bring up their pay scale, which I take as a very good sign. It would be right around what +Kyle is asking, which would be plenty for us to live on.
+Kyle plans to go back to the area during Spring Break so he can look for housing. Cowan is about a 90-minute drive from the 'rents. Cost of living is about the same as this area, so if I were able to work part-time, we could pay off debt *and* save a bit as well, just living off what he makes.
We really hope something comes of this. Pray for us!
We decided it would be best to go on back to Oklahoma, due to me already missing two days of work. We packed the car and left around 8:00. I'd have liked to have seen more people: Rita & Lindy...Nathan, and maybe Sherry...Jinni & the kids... Ah well. I guess we'll see what happens in May!
On Moving...
Nov. 6th, 2003 11:14 am+Kyle told me last night I should start a list of things I'd like in whatever place we move to.
...in no particular order...
College w/ Japanese Language course
College w/ good Art classes
Martial Arts Classes Available - considering Tai Chi Chuan or Kenpo/Kempo
Plenty to do within a half hours' drive...libraries, museums, zoo/aquarium (?), movies, mall(s), Hobby Lobby or Michael's, etc.
Job...something similar to what I was doing at Phoenix Multimedia, or something entirely unrelated to the graphic design business... I'm burned out with this newspaper stuff.
Would like something closer to family so we (or they) can visit more than just once a year, but far enough away that we're not too dependant on them.
We've been talking, and +Kyle's leaning toward buying a small house & some land whenever/wherever we move. We're probably going to be at our next place for a minimum of five years while he builds up experience and a name for himself...that's a long time to have the hassles involved with renting. It's hard enough finding a place to rent with cats, much less a large breed dog. Besides all that, Washu really needs to be outside, running around, and we'd like to get a companion for her.
If +Kyle makes the starting wages Dean has talked about, we could pay for a nice doublewide and a couple of acres in just a couple of years, whether I work or not. Depending on where we are, we could keep it, sell it, or *shudder* move it.
I want to keep working after we move, but I need something part-time so I can take some classes without cutting into our "family" time, such as it is. I don't really care what I make, either.
...in no particular order...
We've been talking, and +Kyle's leaning toward buying a small house & some land whenever/wherever we move. We're probably going to be at our next place for a minimum of five years while he builds up experience and a name for himself...that's a long time to have the hassles involved with renting. It's hard enough finding a place to rent with cats, much less a large breed dog. Besides all that, Washu really needs to be outside, running around, and we'd like to get a companion for her.
If +Kyle makes the starting wages Dean has talked about, we could pay for a nice doublewide and a couple of acres in just a couple of years, whether I work or not. Depending on where we are, we could keep it, sell it, or *shudder* move it.
I want to keep working after we move, but I need something part-time so I can take some classes without cutting into our "family" time, such as it is. I don't really care what I make, either.
Moving Soon...
Oct. 7th, 2003 08:58 pmHave been thinking a lot about the future.
We should be gone from here in about 7 months.
Happy thoughts.
We should be gone from here in about 7 months.
Happy thoughts.
