GothGeek's Musings

I miss not even having a "hi" on Yahoo chat these days. It's everyone,
too...few of my friends keep as late hours as I. Alyce is usually up later
than anyone else, so I often get to talk to her on my nights off. I miss
cougs and Micah and Trish, too, though...and of course one other.

Lots and lots to think about with Ryan these days. I'm not sure where I am
in this. I need to respond to his email, but I need to think about it more.

Nancy hasn't written me back. She usually replies within 48 hours.
Granted, it's summer, and that probably (I hope) has a lot to do with
it...busy in the garden and whatnot. But there's that part of me that goes,
"I've offended her somehow, and she's too mad to speak."

I was reading Proverbs today, and there's a lot of stuff about adulterous
women. How they lead to death, and such. I wonder if perhaps this forced
and complete separation is more for his sake than mine...if I'm a path to
death, that's not a road he needs to take. Doesn't make it any more
pleasant, but it's a bit more comforting to think that perhaps this will
help him find the right way. It's always been my prayer, although I thought
for a long time I would be more instrumental in that. I guess I screwed
that opportunity up, though.

The movies I requested for last weekend (while +Kyle was out of town) finally came on Monday. Just finished 'The Good Girl' this afternoon at lunch.

I really 'got' Justine... Holden, too, really...

I hope... I hope I never sink as low as she had when everything started happening... But if I ever do, I think my story would end in the same way.

I like to think it would.

Okay...

So I've already been plagued with strange dreams involving other men. Did I really have to go and make things worse on myself? Why yes, yes I did.

It finally rained today, so I decided to burn old papers that we didn't need anyore...bank receipts, etc. I had a couple folders of misc. stuff that I'd been meaning to get rid of, including Danny's old letters & our chats. I've been meaning to get rid of these things for about 5 years, but just never managed to get around to it. It's one of those things I didn't want to have to 'explain' having if +Kyle ever did find them.

But instead of just tossing the folder into the flames, I started reading. Yes, they all eventually got burned, and I didn't read everything all over again - just enough to remember the early days of our relationship when he ended every letter and chat with 'remember I love you.' I was so full of teen angst then, and he was a lot more mature than I gave him credit for toward the end.

I really believe he loved me once. He truly cared about my well being, and was concerned over the smallest things. He treated me like a princess. I actually found myself wondering...maybe regretting is too strong a word... I wonder what would have happened if I had run away to be with him. Or if I had at least told my parents about him...would they have let me meet him?

He was ready to take me away from everything if I would just say the word. He'd have bought me a ticket out of there. He would have taken me in. He'd have given me anything I ever desired. I'd have never wanted for anything.

But would I be happy like that?

I have to remember the fights. They weren't many, but they were over big things. He wanted kids. I disliked them. He's Catholic. Catholicism takes Christianity and twists it into such a contorted practice that it's no wonder it's so popular - who could complain about a free ticket to heaven? All you have to do is pay your way out of Purgatory. You don't even have to stop sinning, as long as you go to confession.

But I digress...this is not about the issues of traditionalism...this is about me in a place I don't understand.

Not only the fights...remember what he did? He didn't accept me for who I was when I went crazy. He barely tried to stop me when I was going to kill myself. Instead, he told a mutual friend that we had broken up and went with her. Who does that??

But I was a problem, too... I was so attached, but unwilling (??) to do anything to complete the circle. I wanted to be with him, but was too afraid to let it happen. Too afraid of my parents. I sought their approval rather than trying to be happy...even though I was miserable where I was. I knew they needed me. Mom was having so many problems then. Dad couldn't take care of everyone and keep working. I had to take care of everyone. I couldn't abandon them.

I pined after he so unceremoniously dumped me. Here, the man who had asked me to marry him didn't even officially break things off. Being the mature teen that I was, I wrote all kinds of awful pleading letters. Naturally, when those didn't work, I turned to bad-mouthing him to everyone we knew. Look what he did to your beloved Diamond...

I can't believe I was ever that horrible...but I was.

I did end up apologizing, and he accepted, saying we'd be friends...but I've heard from him perhaps once or twice since then.

He's married now. I happened upon the wedding site in late 2001. Kimmy is really cute, and I'm glad for them both. My entry of congratulation was deleted from the guestbook. I assume he's trying to close that chapter, or perhaps Kimmy doesn't want me around - don't blame either of them if that's the case. They've got a great new house...very pretty, and it sounds like a nice neighborhood. One of those fancy communities.

Am I envious of Kimmy? I don't think so - I'm genuinely happy that Danny found someone to have and to hold, and she seems like a nice girl. Certainly, I'm curious - what would it have been like if I had been that someone?

Maybe it just comes down to this...am I satisfied now?

I love +Kyle. I can't imagine losing him for any reason, and the thought of doing anything to hurt him absolutely kills me. I can't see myself in that position. We agree on the important things like Scripture. Neither of us wants kids.

But things aren't like they were. I don't get excited like I used to. Like when we first started dating, the mention or thought of just a kiss was enough to set my heart racing. It's commonplace now. It may mean 'I love you', but it doesn't MEAN it. The dreams I've had lately bring back that fluttering rush, and it both excites and saddens me.

I've spent the last year supporting him. He had a desire: to go back to school. No, I didn't want to move 800 miles away from everyone and live in the middle of nowhere. But I did it for him. Of course, I ONLY did it after months of prayer and uncertainty as to whether or not this was the right thing, but when it became apparant that it was the right decision to make, I agreed. Heck, I practically pushed him into it by the end of things.

I wanted a job, and I got it. I didn't intend to be the breadwinner: I'm not built or programmed for it, and I've paid for that dearly. But I've done it, and I've earnestly tried not to complain about it too much - I'm still thankful for the job. There's just the burnout setting in that makes me feel sick of it all. I'm stuck in the position, though, why? Because he wants to finish school, and I want him to be happy.

When do I get to be happy?

But then he wanted a dog. I hate dogs. Now I REALLY hate dogs. But no, this is different...we've talked about getting a wolf hybrid for years, studied them, etc. The opportunity arose, and he took me to meet the family. I caved. We talked about it the whole way home - should we? Can we afford one? Do we really want one now? I knew...I knew, I knew, I knew that we shouldn't. We really couldn't afford one (oh, but we could find a way to do so...adjust our budget...make it fit!) , but I had fallen into puppy love with that pup, and rather than sleeping on it as we should have, we made an executive decision based on the tugging of heartstrings. (Good DAY I hate that word...)

I think I resent +Kyle. I feel like he dragged me away from my family. (Reality: He didn't; I agreed to go...and anyway, it's OUR family even if he barely has anything to do with them.) I feel like he's not trying hard enough to make this work. (Reality: he is again working this semester to help get some debts paid off, even though last semester he said 'never again!'...all this with 5 or so more credit hours than he had last semester.) I feel like he pushed me into getting the mutt. (Reality: We were just stupid on this one, both of us, and no one forced us to get her.) He loves that stupid dog and I can't stand her. He resents me for that. I resent her for taking my place. (Reality: she hasn't taken my place, but she's made a crowd where before there was company.) He's offered to get rid of her, but I won't do it because then he'll resent me more for getting rid of her. So there we are again... He's happy and I'm not. Maybe not happy...he wishes I liked her, but oh well...

We never talk anymore. (True: He's always at school, I'm always at work, and when we're home, one of us is on the computer pretty much until bedtime.) Talking is all we had to base our relationship on from the start, and now we never do it.

Sex is still good...when I'm in the mood for it, which is maybe once a month anymore. The rest of the time, I pretty much just do it to keep him happy. This is definitely wrong. I remember being at a point where the slightest touch would get me so wet I needed to change JEANS. What happened? Half the time I'm not slick enough to even take him...even after a good tongue-lashing. Maybe it's just stress, but I think it's something more, and wish I could put my finger on it.

Everything must be tied together somehow- but how? I have all these negative feelings based on false events. When did I start remembering things differently than they happened?

I don't know. I just want things to be the way they were. I want my dreams to become real but with +Kyle there. I want to be happy for a change, instead of trying to please everyone else.

Had a quiet day today...

Biked around and found the city park. It's a smallish park with picnic tables, swings, several slides, a merry-go-round, a jungle gym, and a curiousity...a square concrete slab painted with a numbered circle - 1-32. +Kyle doesn't know what it is, and I certainly don't. We played awhile, then picked up dinner stuff at the grocery store.

It was kindof a sad July 4th, really. My dad always goes all out with fireworks, and plays Handel's Water Music, and some other choice pieces to go along with the show. Mom says my youngest brother was morose all evening.

Oh, and I am a moron...the soundtrack I'm looking for is "Tenchi Forever" (or Tenchi in Love 2) and not the one by Christopher Franke. No luck finding it so far...but still watching that Universe OST.

Robyn Hitchcock was on tele tonight. Some late night talk show on CBS. +Kyle was just flipping over to avoid Celine Dion and happened to see that, and knowing I like Robyn, called me in there to see. ^_^ He looked pretty good, though he's gone much greyer than when Des & I saw him in Nashville. He sounded great, and the song was lovely. The Soft Boys are getting back together for a new album. Should be good.

I'm so desperately lonely. I cried so much last night. Even cried myself almost to sleep. It's probably mostly hormonal, because just earlier that day I had told +Kyle how happy I was (with work, etc.). I am happy there, but I'm so sad inside.

I miss everyone. My co-workers are all nice, very supportive, and it's a real 'family' feeling place...but I'm only 5 days old there, and don't feel like "one of them" yet.

Being online again will help. I can chat again and sortof socialize. I didn't really have anyone I palled around with in Athens, so I'm not missing that sort of thing...just things like Friday nights at my parents' house, and seeing everyone at church on Sundays. We haven't found a place to go here - I know we need to, but frankly I haven't wanted to...it's too foreign. No one can preach like or is more sincere than Kasey Harbin. No one.

I'm glad I took the newspaper job over the print shop job. It's so close to our new house that I can bike to and from work. It's less pay, but the environment is worth it. It's a lot of responsibility, but it keeps me busy. I can't believe how much I've missed working. The lady I'm replacing won't be leaving for another week (due to problems with her move), so even though I am getting dumped into the work by myself on Monday, I will have a safety net. I already had to ask her something today, so it's a good thing it worked out this way, although I know she's really wanting to get moved.

The cast of characters, for future reference:
Mark & Sherry - married, owners of newspaper for 8 years - just the best! Very cute - they both have a lisp, his is a lateral lisp. They do so much I couldn't even begin to list their jobs.
Lori - the lady I'm replacing - she's leaving next week
Shelly - the advertising manager. I'll work with her a lot
Jon - (pronounced like the French 'Jean') writer, photographer, reporter - he also works on laying out the paper
Edith - older woman, runs the vinyl shop, works in the print shop, and does so much more around the whole office. She's been at the paper since 1980!
Jay - older man, runs the print shop and does general maintenance. He used to be a distributor or some other high ranking position at a major Dallas paper, but he was given an early retirement package when they started having problems. He's been working at this paper for about a year now, and looks like he could be Tommy Lee Jones' older brother.
Clara - older woman, comes in on Wednesdays to help with getting the paper out on time.
Ron - much older man, comes in on Wednesdays and does janitorial work. Also takes the laid out pages to the Ardmoreite to be printed, then brings them back, ready to be addressed, bundled, and sent out.

More to talk about later, but I need to get offline for now. Besides, you're probably tired of reading by now anyway.