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Crushed...
Sep. 15th, 2002 09:57 amWe were up late talking last night. +Kyle was so worried about everything, and I tried to reassure him that things would be okay, that we would find a way to get by, if...
So he suddenly turns on me, wanting to know if I intended to keep it or not (again, if...). I said I didn't know, and he started shooting me with all these things like "What about everything we said before we even got married? We talked about this already. We decided no kids. I can't believe you would even consider keeping it!"
I tried to figure out why he was even trying to argue about this with hypotheticals, when we don't even know a yes or no answer about the situation at hand.
I guess we argued for about an hour. It doesn't matter what I say when we argue. He's always already made up his mind about stuff, so it's no use reasoning with him. He absolutely hates dealing with people like that, yet does it himself. I called him on it, and he tried to change the subject, shoving responsibility back on me. Typical.
I'm not even trying to remember things in chronological order. He always picks times when I'm exhausted and really want to sleep to start this sort of thing. But, I love him and don't like "letting the sun go down on my wrath" so I try to work things out...I don't know why I bother.
He went on for the longest time about all the promises we made. I wish I'd thought to say "What about 'always forever, no matter what...'"? Sigh...I'm so terrible at fighting...
He kept going on about *his life*... He won't accept the fact that when you marry someone you no longer HAVE "your life". It becomes "our life". Adam said that, and Jesus quoted him on it, so it MUST be what God wants out of a marriage.
So anyway, the truth came out. He will leave me, and make sure our baby knows it's unwanted in his life, (assuming I am even pregnant at all)...and if I decided to keep it.
How horrible. What kind of a choice is that to force on someone? When faced with a choice like that, how can I want to keep something, as he said, unwanted and unexpected? Yet...how can I live with someone who would make me choose between the lesser of two evils? I know it's wrong to leave your spouse for anything less than adultery. I believe (haven't found the answer yet) it's wrong to just give up a kid when you don't want it. +Kyle's insistent there's nothing in there about the subject, but I don't see how that's possible. Sometimes we're thrown into situations we don't want, but have to adapt. I just want to do the right thing. Abortion is out of the question - we agree there. But he wants it given to someone else to raise. I can't do that, no matter what I WANT.
So if I'm pregnant, I have to choose between +Kyle or the baby. There's no good choice in that equation...I'd regret either decision for the rest of my days...
So he suddenly turns on me, wanting to know if I intended to keep it or not (again, if...). I said I didn't know, and he started shooting me with all these things like "What about everything we said before we even got married? We talked about this already. We decided no kids. I can't believe you would even consider keeping it!"
I tried to figure out why he was even trying to argue about this with hypotheticals, when we don't even know a yes or no answer about the situation at hand.
I guess we argued for about an hour. It doesn't matter what I say when we argue. He's always already made up his mind about stuff, so it's no use reasoning with him. He absolutely hates dealing with people like that, yet does it himself. I called him on it, and he tried to change the subject, shoving responsibility back on me. Typical.
I'm not even trying to remember things in chronological order. He always picks times when I'm exhausted and really want to sleep to start this sort of thing. But, I love him and don't like "letting the sun go down on my wrath" so I try to work things out...I don't know why I bother.
He went on for the longest time about all the promises we made. I wish I'd thought to say "What about 'always forever, no matter what...'"? Sigh...I'm so terrible at fighting...
He kept going on about *his life*... He won't accept the fact that when you marry someone you no longer HAVE "your life". It becomes "our life". Adam said that, and Jesus quoted him on it, so it MUST be what God wants out of a marriage.
So anyway, the truth came out. He will leave me, and make sure our baby knows it's unwanted in his life, (assuming I am even pregnant at all)...and if I decided to keep it.
How horrible. What kind of a choice is that to force on someone? When faced with a choice like that, how can I want to keep something, as he said, unwanted and unexpected? Yet...how can I live with someone who would make me choose between the lesser of two evils? I know it's wrong to leave your spouse for anything less than adultery. I believe (haven't found the answer yet) it's wrong to just give up a kid when you don't want it. +Kyle's insistent there's nothing in there about the subject, but I don't see how that's possible. Sometimes we're thrown into situations we don't want, but have to adapt. I just want to do the right thing. Abortion is out of the question - we agree there. But he wants it given to someone else to raise. I can't do that, no matter what I WANT.
So if I'm pregnant, I have to choose between +Kyle or the baby. There's no good choice in that equation...I'd regret either decision for the rest of my days...
Strangeness
Sep. 13th, 2002 11:32 pmBizarre things are afoot.
Last Sunday, I started feeling cruddy...like "that time of the month" cruddy. All the typical symptoms...nausea...tender nipples...fatigue...
So 2 days went by and nothing happened. "That's kinda weird...but then, it's been a couple of months, and I've been under so much stress lately," I shrugged. The symptoms have only continued, increasing in severity. Now, 5 days later, I have odd sensations in my abdomen, my appetite has increased slightly, and I have a recurring backache in addition to all the rest. I started looking up symptoms, and, well...it's not looking so good.
First off, it's highly improbable that anything DID happen. But if it did, I know when it happened...we made love at the lake, and my only thought was, "gee, if I were going to get pregnant, this would be the time that would do it".
The strangest thing of all is that if I am, I'm okay with it. I've never been fond of kids - certainly never wanted any of my own...but having this "what if" in the back of my mind has made me realize that it's something I could do if necessary. I even had a dream about it last night.
The problem... +Kyle was asking how I was feeling last night, and in the midst of relaying my symptoms, I blurted out, "I think I might be pregnant." His reaction was not good. I knew he'd be worried, but he took it to such an extreme that I really couldn't believe it.
The worst thing is, I can't tell him how I feel about it. If I were pregnant, he doesn't want to keep it...thus I can't tell anyone. He's so paranoid about the whole thing that I can't tell him that I really think it would be okay. Yes, we'd have to make adjustments, especially with me working. Yes, it'd be (a LOT of) added expense and responsibility. Yes, it would be the exact opposite of what we planned and prepared for. But, we've always adapted to whatever new problem has arisen. What's more, we've ALWAYS been provided for, somehow. God has never let us down, even if we haven't been exactly comfortable in our surroundings.
So anyway, we're going to get me tested on Monday...+Kyle just keeps saying to me over and over, "please don't be pregnant" and that hurts a lot more than I expect it to. I'm scared and worried, too, but I'm not 100% adverse to the idea like I used to be. If I do end up testing positive, I can't give it up to someone else to raise. No one else would do it right.
