GothGeek's Musings

This has been a strange, strange week.

Actually, things have been nothing but strange, hectic, and difficult since we got back. +Kyle and I have fought more than ever for weeks. I flipflop on how I feel, and what I think I'm capable of right now. He flipflops on whether or not to kick me out or hold onto me for dear life.

He's threatened to kill himself over me leaving twice this week...this after telling me to get out if I don't want him for him *now*. The last time (I guess it was Thursday) resulted in me getting pretty bruised and slightly cut up from wrestling his 1911 away from him, then his knife, then trying to wear him out hiding the gun in pieces so he couldn't use it. I actually remembered to take the bullet out of the chamber this time, but I couldn't get the safety off to actually do it. This is the pistol he built, and the safety is really tight. I let him believe I threw the gun under the stairs to buy some time, but since it wouldn't budge, I had to hide it. So we played, "Where's the gun? What did you do with it?" for about an hour. This is a fun game where I say nothing and he makes various threats to my bodily health and happiness to try to get me to talk. It's not fun getting tapped in the face with a flashlight, waiting for the blow that's going to cave in part of it.

So after about two hours, and another session of insane laughter at nothing funny, he got to the point of realizing just what he was doing, and stopped. He swears this was the last time. Never again. It sure as hell is the last time. I can't do this anymore. Love puts up with a lot, but it's not stupid, either.

I should note here that he had unplugged the phone and thrown it somewhere so I couldn't call the police, and I wasn't about to leave him alone in the house long enough to find a neighbor who would get up at that hour.

Lots of talking afterward. I don't remember what about, but we calmed down for the time being.

So Friday, we went out, despite having had quite the argument. Much the same topic. I'm not in love with him *now*, so I should just leave. We *had* to go out, because +Kyle needed to pick up his check, and we needed groceries, but also we had been planning to go to the mall all week, just to get out of the house. Now, the last time we'd talked about it, he'd mentioned just going alone. I thought that was a good idea. But we get to Friday, and when I don't want to go, still thinking it a good idea for him to try things without me, he sulks, provoking the argument.

So I ended up going anyway. We went to the mall, obtained Sakkio and then bummed around separately. Ran into each other a couple of times. Decided to leave, and in the car, he asked what kind of a break I wanted. I said I'd been thinking it might be a good idea for me to move out for a couple of months. No, that's not acceptable. If I leave for any amount of time, he'll find me with divorce papers.

So I left that alone, and we drove along to see if Formosa was still around. Someone allegedly found a cat's tooth in their chicken one time around November of last year. I smell conspiracy, because they were planning on a remodel, and had closed for it around that time. It's now something like Fortune Chinese Buffet, and I hope it's run by the same people, because their food was the absolute best. Maybe it really was cat, but if so, I'd live on it. :P Animals taste good.

So we went to Toys R Us afterward just to look around, and avoid going back to the house right away. More separate browsing. I was looking at CDs and games, and +Kyle came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but, can I take you out for coffee?" I didn't get what he was doing, but accepted and linked arms with him. He asked if I was that close with everyone, or if he was just that good. I started to understand, and said I was just that affectionate, and he was kinda cute.

So he started talking about his wife and how he was feeling neglected and they were having a lot of problems, etc. We went down to Barnes and Noble since there's a Starbucks, got frappuccinos and sat down and talked about our respective situations. It was interesting talking about him like he wasn't there, and hearing his take on things I have done. We speculated about each other's spouses and the reasons they might do the things they do. Maybe he didn't understand that his reactions to her "health craze" was actually destructive. Maybe she doesn't want to tell him about things that bother her, because it'll mean she's nagging, etc. "I know that's something I tend to do," type speculation.

It was an interesting approach, but I still didn't understand exactly his reasoning behind it. He kept saying things like, "Maybe I just need to let her go...give her the space she's looking for." I'm sitting here going, "He finally gets it!" He said that he didn't know how things were going to work out with his wife, but that he liked me and would like to spend some time with me, maybe going out on the weekends or something.

To me, that sounds like someone who has resigned themself to the fact that they can't be with the person they love for whatever reason. Perhaps I only think this way because it's what I've had to do.

But no...when we got back to the house, and I 'crashed at his place', he decided he wanted to talk about the evening. I really didn't think it a good idea, but agreed to against my better judgment.

It turned out that he was trying to start over with no baggage. Good idea, perhaps, but he was still trying to force something that isn't there, which only frustrated matters more. THEN he turned around and asked, "Will you marry me?" Did he really expect me to say yes?

I tried, I really did, to be calm and explain why this wasn't a helpful situation, but it just deteriorated. He started praying for me to be healed from our fight, and for our marriage to be restored. I didn't even say an amen. I was too beyond frustrated and exhausted to know if I really agreed, and am I going to lie about it? Not even.

So yesterday we muddled along after yet another fight before he went to work. He said, "If you don't want me for me...don't be here when I get back." So I tried to find somewhere to go with no luck. Called Mary. No answer. Called Pam. No answer. Got on LJ to see if anyone was even on that I could talk to. Des replied, but she was going out to help Jason, and she's been sick anyway, so I wouldn't want to burden her with this right now.

So I debated what to do at all, and, still being mentally exhausted, I took a nap on the couch. Most of my stuff is packed, and he didn't say I should take everything...just to not be there. The problem being that I had nowhere to go, I left messages and waited for some reply. Pam called around 6:00, and we talked for a long time about what's been going on. I came to some disturbing conclusions, the largest of which is that, even though I didn't sleep with anyone else, I'm still an adulteress in this. Emotional lust is still lust. Wanting what's not rightfully yours in the stead of what is yours. We talked about other things, like what's helped her in her marriage, their struggles with mental problems. Granted, she's never had to deal with physical abuse, but their problems have been dreadful.

She did tell me something that I think I finally get. I asked her, "How much is 'a lot'?" She said she thought I knew, but honestly, I didn't. She said that there comes a point where you have to ask if you've truly done everything you can for this person, and when you get to that point, you have to remember that the choices they make are THEIR choices. She said I am not responsible for the things +Kyle does. She said it was a hard lesson for her to learn that she was not responsible for the times when Gg made self-damaging choices, but eventually she learned it.

I'm at that point.

I told her about the things that +Kyle has changed so drastically to try to make this work. Yes, it was all based on hope and perhaps some faith, but he did get a job. He hates it, but he's said he'll stick with it as long as it takes. He found us a place to live. She expressed consternation on the timing of it, my stress level, and the fact that we have NO money.

I had seriously thought about staying in Oklahoma for a couple more weeks, just to keep drawing a paycheck and get things going that much more easily. She said that could have been a good idea. The problem was that +Kyle has always said if I stayed behind, or leave him, it's for good. So far I haven't been able to, in good conscience, do that. And the few times I've taken him at his word, it's resulted in him begging me to stay in some way or another.

I have, up to this point, been operating under the belief that it's possible that I could learn to love +Kyle again. I've come to realize that's impossible until my feelings for Scooter fade to a sufficiently "friendly" level. I don't know how long that's going to take, or honestly, if it will happen at all. Until that happens, all I have to hang onto is my desire to do what's right in spite of what I want. I've tried to explain this to +Kyle on numerous occasions, but only last night did he *get* it. Now all of a sudden, he's willing to wait. I guess he sees a ray of hope in this. I'm not there yet. I'm still hurting from this.

+Kyle has gone over time and time again how he's hurting too. I know he's hurting. It's kindof my fault that he's hurting. He reminds me constantly how we shouldn't even be here - I'm punishing him by making him wait for me to love him like I should, being that he's my husband and all. I've explained time and time again that it's not intentional. It never has been. Well...I can't say that...but it didn't start that way. I was starving for something, didn't know how to get it , and when it came along by accident, I held on with both hands, even when the voice in the back of my mind said, "You really don't need to be here." By then, I didn't care anymore because I was happy, and +Kyle didn't seem to mind since I was finally less melancholy.

Until of course it got to the point where I gave my heart, which I had so carefully locked away from +Kyle to keep from getting hurt anymore, to someone to whom I had no right. Then I got more depressed than before.

Still operating under this belief that it may be possible to be happy with +Kyle again, I've had to stop talking to Scooter at all, even as a friend. At least for awhile. It's so draining on me. I know we can't be anything more than friends, and I can't keep expending energy on something for which hope must be postponed indefinitely. Even if +Kyle and I do wind up separating, I'll have no choice but to be alone, because the woman at the well was forgiven...but told to go and sin no more. If I want to do the right thing, I have to play by the rules...even though it hurts like hell. I have explained this to them both as best I know how, but I don't think either one really understands.

Scooter has always said my happiness is the most important thing to him. If I can be happy with +Kyle, that's what he wants for me. If I can't be happy unless we're apart, that's what he wants for me. Yet, he will wait to the end of his days for a chance to be with me if possible. That is a great source of pain for me in this, too, because I let things go so far.

I can't help that we grew to love each other so deeply. I should have told him I feared where this was going much sooner than I did. And when I actually realized where it was going, I should have said goodbye before things got so involved. But I was foolish...arrogant...I thought I could control things better. I thought I could keep my feelings in check. We both did.

I miss him so, so much. I miss everyone.

There was a little girl in church this morning. She looked almost just like Twyla. About the same age...darker hair, but similar facial features, and a sweet temperment. I cried all during church, partially because of her and missing Twyla and everyone, and partially because the sermon and readings hit really close to home right now. It was about faith and what kinds you can have:

No faith (disciples in the storm)
Little faith (Peter falling after walking on the water)
Great faith (pagan woman begging Jesus for her daughter's healing)

The underlying idea was that faith, being the stuff of which our hopes are made, and the evidence of things we can't physically experience, is the reason behind the things we do as Christians, or rather, it should be.

I'm so sad today. I'm trying to open up to +Kyle, but it's hard because the main reason I'm sad is the main reason he's angry. It's not fair that he is in this situation, but it's still not fun for me, either.

So +Kyle came to me yesterday and said, "You're not happy with me, are you?"

I said I didn't know. I don't know. I should be. He's done everything he said he would, and things have turned out like he said they would. He got the job. He found us a place to live, with Ian's help. We got moved out here with relative ease. People are glad to have us back. He already says he hates his job, but he'll stick with it as long as he has to. It looks very good that I'll be getting work soon.

So what the hell is wrong with me? All these positive aspects, and I am still depressed over leaving. Of course, it's mostly only one person I miss enough to BE so depressed, but I have many twinges of sadness for the others, as well. It feels like part of me is missing. I guess it is, really, but for whatever reason I can't or won't let +Kyle fill it. But which is it - can't or won't? Probably the latter, just because I seem to be that awful of a person. Grieving for the loss of one over the gain of many. I wouldn't make a very good world leader.

But the point is, what is wrong with me? Why aren't I happy with what I have? Why can't I even be merely content with it? Don't I believe that what we have can be better, if we're patient and work with it? Moping around isn't helping things, but I don't know how to speed up the process and move on.

He told me to just take the truck and go because he's about had all he will take. I can't do that. What good would it do? He says I'd be happy, and he wouldn't have to put up with all this crap from me anymore. But he doesn't understand that I wouldn't be truly happy. Sure, the situation would likely be more enjoyable, and certainly easier, but with the decision overall, taking the easy way out, no...that wouldn't make me happy, either. So how do I become happy with +Kyle instantaneously, so he doesn't have to suffer? I don't know how to do that. Is it possible to control one's emotions, or only their reactions to the emotions they feel? I have great difficulty "making" myself act happy when I'm depressed. It's not heartfelt, so it's obviously fake.

He doesn't want to wait any longer on me to fall in love with him again - it's been over a month, and that should be long enough, to him...but I don't know how to do it at the drop of a hat. So what happens next? I am here. With him. That's a start. We couldn't start over very well if I were somewhere else. I'd hoped he would appreciate that, but perhaps that was silly of me to consider.

+Kyle's been telling me all sort of things he needs from me for weeks, but this has been one of those things I had to figure out on my own. Sometimes you can be told something over and over, and not get it until you've mulled it over for yourself.

I have to be a wife who loves her husband (and acts like it)...for real. The question is can I do it quickly enough to suit +Kyle before he finally kicks me out? We made some progress tonight, talking about several important aspects, and things seem better for now. I'm just afraid that if I screw up any little thing now, that will have been my very final chance. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me," after all...

We have been going back and forth with this for awhile now. One of us wants to fix things, and the other pulls away. Then it reverses. Back and forth. If we could just both want to fix things together, I'm sure things will work out. It seems like that's where we are right now.

I have to give this marriage everything I have, which is not a whole lot right now...I just hope it's enough.

I realize it's probably a good thing that Scooter is not online tonight... I can't be emotionally dependent on someone who isn't around. It would be comforting, but also painful.

+Kyle is driving me absolutely bonkers, though. He keeps asking me what's wrong. It hasn't changed - I don't want to move, but I am going to anyway. I told him I'd work through this with him, that I'd be with him no matter what. He's moving, so that means I have to as well. He says I'm not trying to make this work. How can I tell him about my inner battle? I may have had to force down emotional attachment from Scooter, but I *do* still love him. Just because he's not going to be around doesn't mean he'll be gone from my mind or my heart right away.

I wish that the idea of seeing everyone again was comforting or even happy, but it's not. All I can see right now is that I am leaving a lot of people I love dearly behind...especially one.

+Kyle wrote this immense letter today outlining that he wants to be everything for me...so much so that I never even think of another man. He wants me to smile about him like he does about me. Having little more than compassion for +Kyle right now, that's not a thought that seems feasible. It doesn't sound pleasant. It feels like going back to prison after being pardoned from a life sentence. Isn't that a horrible way for me to feel?

I want to do the right thing...apparantly that is to stay with +Kyle and work my ass off for the next however many years. But at the same time, I see my reasons to smile being left behind. Perhaps I will find old ones again in Alabama. Perhaps new, what with school coming up...although I think I'm going to have to put it off because +Kyle keeps reminding me how much debt we already have. -_- I really don't want to do that, because if I don't go back now, I may never go back.

For +Kyle's sake, I'm hopeful that these strong emotions will fade over time, but I'm also fearful that they will. No one *wants* to hurt, but I am afraid that one day I will find I don't miss him that much, and the pain inside me even now will cease. What happens in that case? What if he still misses me? Or what if he finds he doesn't miss me so much anymore, either? What if he finds someone else? I would be happy for him...but would I not also feel a sense of loss? He says he doesn't want anyone else...but life tends to throw things at us when we least expect it. I have to keep that possibility in mind. He is strong, but can he last that long? Will he grow weary? Will loneliness overtake him? Bitterness? I hope not. I have given him yet another hypocrite to despise, yet he does not see it, or at least, has not acknowledged it to me.

Today did not go at all like I expected.

First off, I was expecting that we'd be going out to visit Jim at the very least so +Kyle could learn more about welding. Didn't happen.

I'd been given a sign that I needed to bring up the whole "I'm ready to leave" thing again, and was quite quite sick over it. I did actually try sleeping before anything else, but the nausea was just too great. So I went to work for my good blade, and made a larger diamond above the first one. Thought about making the first one more 3-D instead, but ehh... It was pretty pathetic, considering, as I'd agreed to at least be careful if I needed to do it again. Everything welted up quickly because I didn't go deep, so it didn't bleed much at all. Not what I was hoping for. Also, I was really lightheaded afterward, so I had to lie down for a few minutes.

So anyway, I packed a lot of stuff this morning, and was just sitting down to check blogs and the like when +Kyle got up. I had made that post earlier, and +Kyle read it right away, which shocked the daylights out of me. I'm sitting here doing my own thing, and he pops up with, "What happened, hon?"

"...what happened with what?"

"Your latest blog entry. What's wrong?"

"Oh, that. I cut today." Matter of fact. No emotion.

"What do you mean?"

"I was sick this morning, so I cut today."

So he freaks out and comes over to look, and I'm more annoyed by that than anything. He's all, "What's wrong? Tell me what's the matter." and I'm just getting more annoyed, but I know what I have to do, so I go lie down.

I asked if he remembered telling me to find what makes me happy and go for it. He vaguely did, and I said I still wanted to leave. I want time alone. I think it will make me happy.

So +Kyle got really mad, and told me that wasn't happening. He wasn't going to let me, and started going off about all the promises we made. Well, that just made me mad, too. Why on earth would I be so distraught about all of this if I hadn't been considering that very thing?

Getting into the 'why' of it all was *really* fun. I told him about the whole fear of being alone thing...told him how I've lied about sex ever since before we got married, although I'd tried to talk myself into believing that I was okay with everything that happened. Told him myriad things that I had done over the years because he wanted them done, and I thought I was being a good wife by trying to make him happy. Moving to Oklahoma included in that. I never wanted to leave Alabama...my family...friends...home... But he had a dream, and I wanted to help him realize it, so I went. Told him about talking myself into getting Washu because it was something we'd talked about, and he really wanted her. Then when I just couldn't stand her anymore, how I tried to at least tolerate her for his sake. I told him I wasn't trying to keep score or anything, but just that these were the things weighing on my mind.

The worst thing? He makes me feel like a complete heel for all of this. Like I should have tried harder to be happy with these situations - like I have no right to be upset, since they're basically my fault anyway. Like I should have stood up for the things I really wanted, and my beliefs.

He made me promise that I would tell him what I really want when it comes to decisions...I asked him to give me time to think when those decisions came up. We'll see how that goes. He doesn't tend to think about time the same way I do.

I'm so glad all this mess came out. Things have been incredible between me & +Kyle ever since he found out everything.

I'm thankful for whatever was involved with that night's LJ fluke.

I know that I'm largely to blame for everything... I should have been willing to talk to him, to tell him what was wrong for all this time. But +Kyle's not totally without fault. After years of being verbally beaten down when we fight, he trained me into becoming this mouse, timid and afraid of saying ANYTHING, because it would, inevitably, be the wrong thing. Even so, I should have been strong enough to speak my mind. I should have stood up and said just what it was that I needed. But, for fear of sounding critical and causing him to become angry at that critique, and thus at me, I just vented here, and hoped it would be enough.

Obviously, it wasn't.

I'm honestly stunned by +Kyle's reaction to the whole thing... Truly, his temper has mellowed since we've moved out here, but the fact that he was not utterly furious, or kick me out, or yell and berate me...well...I couldn't believe it.

So we come to that Sunday night after the library. As soon as we left the room, +Kyle started acting strange (to me)...he came up and hugged me for no apparant reason...he opened doors for me... Without knowing what was going on, I knew. Somehow, he had tapped in, and I knew that somehow, this journal was to blame.

He started asking things like, "So what did you and Andrea talk about yesterday?" I answered as little as I could...we had talked about how busy she is being a new mom, life in general, etc. I said I didn't want to bother him with petty things, but admitted that I knew we'd had that conversation before (meaning I knew better).

So he started telling me how he knew he hadn't been paying attention to me in a long time, and how sorry he was. He asked, "Why didn't you come and talk to me?" My premonition was verified. He had read my journal. For whatever reason, LJ had published all my private entries as public that night, and he knew everything.

He said it hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn't upset with me or anything. I told him that I wanted to tell him, but was so afraid that he'd be angry with me, so I've just kept all this stuff to myself. He said he was sorry for leading me to believe that he'd be mad at me just for telling him what was wrong. He said he knows that it's probably been 3-4 years since he really showed me he loved me. He apologized for getting so mad at me for meaningless things, like the laundry debacle. He said he was sorry for all the negativity he's had against my lifestyle changes. He apologized for making fun of the way I dress, and the things I eat. He recognizes that it's about health, and even talked about trying to shape up some, himself.

He said he wished he would have danced with me that night. He said he had felt a little jealous over Scooter taking me away, but didn't want to seem overbearing, so he didn't say anything. I told him I would rather he'd at least acted a little jealous over it. He said he's been reassuring himself for years that I would be home when he got there...he's prayed that nothing would happen to me, and that I wouldn't leave him for any reason. He said he couldn't believe how lucky he is to have me.

He talked about how, the week before, when we had that fight and he kicked me out, all he really wanted from me on the drive home was for me to bounce back and talk to him. I was being quiet so I wouldn't set him off again, but he kept coming at me, being upset that I wouldn't talk...I felt like it didn't matter what I said, so I just stayed quiet so I wouldn't bother him. I wish I had realized that he just wanted me to have gotten over it, and be happy again like usual. I guess it just broke me. I couldn't be happy after that.

So, I told him everything. We sat in the car and talked for an hour.

I told him how I'd been feeling abandoned and rejected by him for so long. I told him how I was afraid to talk to him anymore. I don't think I explained exactly why, but he asked if his temper was really so bad that I felt like I couldn't come to him at all. I admitted that it was, but that within the past couple of months, it had improved markedly.

I told him how special that dance was to me...how it made me feel wanted again. It felt like being in love again.

I told him about how damaging it was when he'd make derogatory remarks about the lifestyle changes I've made. They were never enough to make me stop (doing WW, or later, Atkins), but they were enough to make me not want to talk to him about it. I decided it was better to just make changes myself than try to discuss them...he was just going to make fun of me, anyway, right? The same thing with the animegirl and goth styles...Better to just change and not say anything.

I told him I had been considering leaving him for a long time. I know that cut him deeply to hear, but if I was going to tell him everything, it had to be absolutely everything. I haven't cheated on him...haven't had anyone to cheat on him *with*, for one thing. I was at the point where I really didn't care if it was right or wrong. Partially, I decided, I couldn't live with being a hypocrite. I disowned my mother's sister for destroying her family in this way...how could I make that decision? But, ultimately it was because I love +Kyle too much to just destroy him like that. Yes, I was unhappy..maybe even miserable. I'd considered finding some other way to get what I needed. It was never about sex...just acceptance and gentle, kind affection. But I suppose even those things could be considered cheating if obtained through other means.

He asked if he came after me for sex too often. I said no, but just that I needed more of the other kinds of affection, too...it's like getting enough water, but not enough sunshine. Even sex is better now. For the first time in as long as I can remember...years...I want him for real, not just to keep him happy.

I'm still curious as to how my LJ posts became public for that one night, but I'm not upset over it. I'm relieved to have all this out in the open. It's been painful, and I sense it will take us both awhile to fully trust each other again. It's hard for me not to think in that "don't tell him, or he'll get mad" mode. I know he has moments of doubt about my fidelity. But I am working to regain that trust, and I am working to trust him to be more composed with me, even when I'm frustrating to him. I'm learning to communicate again.

+Kyle, if you're still reading these entries, I love you. We'll get through this.