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Life 5u><0r
Mar. 1st, 2002 05:38 pmToday has been a mixed day...+Kyle had a day off, and earlier in the week we had planned to go biking today if the weather was nice. That's all well and good, except for that I, being the duck that I am (waking up in a new world every day, and all), forgot. Dad called this morning in panic mode - the job we worked on all day yesterday ended up being the wrong design....so I was going to go out and help out with that. Then my dear husband reminds me "I thought we were going to go out today." "Oh yeah!" (Not that I remembered WHAT we were going out to do, but I did realize we had some plan of some sort.) So I call back and see if my brother can help out instead because we have things that need doing today...long story short, I got a couple things together to run some errands "while we were out". Did +Kyle ask "Why are you doing that if we're just going to ride bikes?" or "Can that wait till we get back?" No... just "Oh, OK." Did he proceed to get the bikes out of the study so they'd be ready when I was through at the post office? No... So I'm at fault for forgetting, but also feel he's at fault for not mentioning (especially knowing my penchant for forgetting things) what we're doing. Long story short, we get into a fight outside the post office (still sitting in the truck, mind you), and he abandons me there. He actually walked home from the post office, leaving me in the truck. It's only a mile or 2 away, but geesh! "You can drive home, I'm walking." "No I can't - it's..." "Tough" (insert car door slam) "...illegal for me to drive without an unlicensed driver in the car with me."
So I waited 30 minutes in the truck for the post office to open...talking to myself, going over what was said and what happened, trying to make some rational judgement as to why, and all I can come up with is I'm an idiot who screws up everything I touch. I walked over to the gas station to call home and see if he'd gotten in ok. No answer. He's either ignoring the phone, turned it off, or never got inside.
So I waited some more...post office opened again, and I went in to mail stuff. The cute lady at the counter asked if all the stuff I mail is stuff I'm making. I tried to be polite and all, but I'd been crying for half an hour, so I didn't feel like being very talkative...any other day and I'd have gone on about my hobby.
Left the post office...debated driving home anyway, but with the way things have been for the past year, I'd have gotten pulled over for SOMETHING and ticketed for only having a permit...and we certainly can't afford that. So I walked home. About 3/4 of the way there, who do I see walking up the road? I crossed the street to meet him, and he just kept on walking. He walks fast anyway, but faster when he's mad, so I got left behind pretty quickly. We got to the truck and he started in with the "Why don't you want to spend time with me?" thing.
"I do, but I'm trying to help our financial situation as much as possible - trying to alleviate all the things you're SO worried about and you don't think I care to spend time with you?"
"You were so ready to drop our plans to help your dad."
"That was BEFORE you reminded me that we HAD plans to begin with." He knows I'm forgetful. Yada yada yada...we really could go on like this forever if I didn't apologize for whatever he seems to think I've done every time he's mad at something totally unrelated. Plus, I was mad because a few years ago we watched some movie where Kurt Russell let his wife go off to get help when their car broke down in the desert, and she ended up getting kidnapped, and he promised me then that he'd NEVER abandon me in a car like that. He doesn't remember it, but we never remember things the same way. I'm probably wrong somehow, but that's what I remember him saying, so that's what I was mad about.
This whole day happened because he's making $170 less than the bare minimum we need to pay our bills (not including groceries, gasoline, etc.) every month, and he just can't let that go and realize that we're BOTH still looking for SOME better job, we're being mostly provided for as far as food goes because of his current job. My little hobbies are bringing in a little bit of extra fundage, our landlady is FABULOUS about letting us pay rent when we can, and the other bills can be mostly taken care of. He just can't seem to comprehend working on one problem at a time - he lets everything pile up until one little annoying thing (like me) sets him off and he blows up (at me).
I said something snide before about him almost always jumping on "that machine" as soon as he gets home. He *sometimes* lets me hug him when he comes home, and he *sometimes* comes up and hugs me if I'm doing the dishes when he gets home, but 80% or more of the time the first thing he does is go for email, or a game, or something. And he complains that I don't want to spend time with him? It's no wonder I'm a chat addict. OK, so I'm not totally over it...I still feel hurt by his accusations and then his "Oh I'm sorry, were you saying something, dear?" when I was through going on about it.
So he's sitting at his computer, and I'm on the couch, seriously considering going into the kitchen and just slashing my wrists to ribbons like I promised I'd never do again. (The veins were throbbing so badly...I really wanted to cut like I haven't in years...that scares me now that I'm not in that mode.) Our neighbor (friend of my family for as long as I can remember) knocks on the door. He offered to help us out with rent the other day, and was coming over to talk with my hub about it. They went over to his house, and I sat in here and contemplated cutting some more. I ended up wrapping my forearms in paper towels and Priority mail tape to keep from doing anything stupid. I should take that off before we leave.
There really was a good part to today, but we're going to my parents' house for our usual Friday fare, so I'll have to write about that later.
...So now it's later. ^_^ Anyway, after awhile +Kyle came back over to get out current bank balances. I dug those out and took them over, and our neighbour invited me to stay and chat as well. Turns out we got some much-needed spiritual counseling, as well as help with our budget. He was an accountant major, and has really helped us see how to work with crisis management...negotiating with our bills and whatnot.
More importantly, he helped my husband see what I haven't been able to communicate to him - He HAS to learn to let things go. He has to put them aside and make that decision to not let them bother him, and put his faith (that God will provide) into action. He has to lay these things at the throne of grace.
Our neighbor is really a Moses when it comes to these things...he isn't elegant or eloquent in his speech, but he sure gets the point across. Thank God for this wonderful brother!!!! He hit numerous nails on the head - stuff my hubby didn't want to (and sometimes couldn't see to) admit. It's just so amazing to speak with someone so 'in tune' with the Word.
I know I need to put most (if not all) of these things more into practice too, but +Kyle has been affected the most by this. He thinks I don't care about the situation, but the truth is that I am at peace with whatever happens. I know it's for a reason, and that we'll get out of it. God's been too good to me (in spite of how difficult I've made that) for me NOT to acknowledge this. Plus just bottling things up is just one of those "guy" things to do. One more addition is that +Kyle is so anti-social. He doesn't mind talking with people...as long as he's not around them. Tonight on the way home from the 'rents house, he told me he wanted to get out of his shell, but at the same time he doesn't want to. I can understand that...he hasn't had good experiences with people overall. But take my (extended) family for instance - they're GREAT. I come from a long line of Christians, and everyone is just so....loving. Sure, I'm not entirely comfortable with my cousin's new husband - only cause I haven't really sat down and talked with him yet. Sure I still don't particularly like my widowered uncle's new wife (but that's another long long story), but that is more a problem with my unwillingness to accept her. My family is the best family I know....and my hubby wants little to do with them. I hope he can garner the strength to get over this aversion to people...I hope I can support him however he needs.
This has gone on too long...I ramble on so. -_- It just had to come out, though. I had to get rid of it, because making up today just wasn't enough this time.
So I waited 30 minutes in the truck for the post office to open...talking to myself, going over what was said and what happened, trying to make some rational judgement as to why, and all I can come up with is I'm an idiot who screws up everything I touch. I walked over to the gas station to call home and see if he'd gotten in ok. No answer. He's either ignoring the phone, turned it off, or never got inside.
So I waited some more...post office opened again, and I went in to mail stuff. The cute lady at the counter asked if all the stuff I mail is stuff I'm making. I tried to be polite and all, but I'd been crying for half an hour, so I didn't feel like being very talkative...any other day and I'd have gone on about my hobby.
Left the post office...debated driving home anyway, but with the way things have been for the past year, I'd have gotten pulled over for SOMETHING and ticketed for only having a permit...and we certainly can't afford that. So I walked home. About 3/4 of the way there, who do I see walking up the road? I crossed the street to meet him, and he just kept on walking. He walks fast anyway, but faster when he's mad, so I got left behind pretty quickly. We got to the truck and he started in with the "Why don't you want to spend time with me?" thing.
"I do, but I'm trying to help our financial situation as much as possible - trying to alleviate all the things you're SO worried about and you don't think I care to spend time with you?"
"You were so ready to drop our plans to help your dad."
"That was BEFORE you reminded me that we HAD plans to begin with." He knows I'm forgetful. Yada yada yada...we really could go on like this forever if I didn't apologize for whatever he seems to think I've done every time he's mad at something totally unrelated. Plus, I was mad because a few years ago we watched some movie where Kurt Russell let his wife go off to get help when their car broke down in the desert, and she ended up getting kidnapped, and he promised me then that he'd NEVER abandon me in a car like that. He doesn't remember it, but we never remember things the same way. I'm probably wrong somehow, but that's what I remember him saying, so that's what I was mad about.
This whole day happened because he's making $170 less than the bare minimum we need to pay our bills (not including groceries, gasoline, etc.) every month, and he just can't let that go and realize that we're BOTH still looking for SOME better job, we're being mostly provided for as far as food goes because of his current job. My little hobbies are bringing in a little bit of extra fundage, our landlady is FABULOUS about letting us pay rent when we can, and the other bills can be mostly taken care of. He just can't seem to comprehend working on one problem at a time - he lets everything pile up until one little annoying thing (like me) sets him off and he blows up (at me).
I said something snide before about him almost always jumping on "that machine" as soon as he gets home. He *sometimes* lets me hug him when he comes home, and he *sometimes* comes up and hugs me if I'm doing the dishes when he gets home, but 80% or more of the time the first thing he does is go for email, or a game, or something. And he complains that I don't want to spend time with him? It's no wonder I'm a chat addict. OK, so I'm not totally over it...I still feel hurt by his accusations and then his "Oh I'm sorry, were you saying something, dear?" when I was through going on about it.
So he's sitting at his computer, and I'm on the couch, seriously considering going into the kitchen and just slashing my wrists to ribbons like I promised I'd never do again. (The veins were throbbing so badly...I really wanted to cut like I haven't in years...that scares me now that I'm not in that mode.) Our neighbor (friend of my family for as long as I can remember) knocks on the door. He offered to help us out with rent the other day, and was coming over to talk with my hub about it. They went over to his house, and I sat in here and contemplated cutting some more. I ended up wrapping my forearms in paper towels and Priority mail tape to keep from doing anything stupid. I should take that off before we leave.
There really was a good part to today, but we're going to my parents' house for our usual Friday fare, so I'll have to write about that later.
...So now it's later. ^_^ Anyway, after awhile +Kyle came back over to get out current bank balances. I dug those out and took them over, and our neighbour invited me to stay and chat as well. Turns out we got some much-needed spiritual counseling, as well as help with our budget. He was an accountant major, and has really helped us see how to work with crisis management...negotiating with our bills and whatnot.
More importantly, he helped my husband see what I haven't been able to communicate to him - He HAS to learn to let things go. He has to put them aside and make that decision to not let them bother him, and put his faith (that God will provide) into action. He has to lay these things at the throne of grace.
Our neighbor is really a Moses when it comes to these things...he isn't elegant or eloquent in his speech, but he sure gets the point across. Thank God for this wonderful brother!!!! He hit numerous nails on the head - stuff my hubby didn't want to (and sometimes couldn't see to) admit. It's just so amazing to speak with someone so 'in tune' with the Word.
I know I need to put most (if not all) of these things more into practice too, but +Kyle has been affected the most by this. He thinks I don't care about the situation, but the truth is that I am at peace with whatever happens. I know it's for a reason, and that we'll get out of it. God's been too good to me (in spite of how difficult I've made that) for me NOT to acknowledge this. Plus just bottling things up is just one of those "guy" things to do. One more addition is that +Kyle is so anti-social. He doesn't mind talking with people...as long as he's not around them. Tonight on the way home from the 'rents house, he told me he wanted to get out of his shell, but at the same time he doesn't want to. I can understand that...he hasn't had good experiences with people overall. But take my (extended) family for instance - they're GREAT. I come from a long line of Christians, and everyone is just so....loving. Sure, I'm not entirely comfortable with my cousin's new husband - only cause I haven't really sat down and talked with him yet. Sure I still don't particularly like my widowered uncle's new wife (but that's another long long story), but that is more a problem with my unwillingness to accept her. My family is the best family I know....and my hubby wants little to do with them. I hope he can garner the strength to get over this aversion to people...I hope I can support him however he needs.
This has gone on too long...I ramble on so. -_- It just had to come out, though. I had to get rid of it, because making up today just wasn't enough this time.
