Computer Rework
Feb. 1st, 2004 11:10 pmBeen down for awhile. My system kept running really slowly for no apparant reason. After three reinstalls, things seem to be going fine again. *knocks on wood*
Yesterday was *busy*. I got up and ran a couple of errands, and worked out when +Kyle got up. I pulled something at work last week, and wasn't able to work out for a couple of days, but made up for it yesterday, no doubt. I am *so* sore. My abs are getting stronger. Lying flat, with +Kyle holding my feet down, I can pull myself up surprisingly far off the ground after 2-3 weeks of working on an incline. I remember being able to completely sit up from a *reverse* incline, so I'm looking forward to being able to do that again. At this rate, I could do it by summer. I'm benching over half my bodyweight now, squatting 100 lbs, and doing leg curls at 80 lbs. That number seems really pathetic to me, but I always have to be careful of my right knee, and my left ankle is still giving me trouble. It's getting better all the time (*sings*), but I don't want to push it and injure either one further. Also, I can do push-ups again! I can't imagine these guys who just up-down-up-down like it's as easy as walking, though. It's really hard, but feels great. Jack Palance is the man!
Needless to say, I am *really* sore today, but it's a good hurt. I wonder if I'll be in good enough condition to train again tomorrow, but if not, I'll do more stretches. I miss doing Pilates and Tae Bo, but since our VCR died, that's not an option, right now. :P
I'm so wanting DDR! Everyone back home is getting their skillz on with it, so I'm a wee mite jealous. But, I really want to have that costume made before we leave Oklahoma. Both require funds I don't really have, but I'm doing what I can.
My getting *either* one of these hinges on our being able to save enough to actually *move*. +Kyle should be getting his last disbursement around the 14th, so I am hoping there is plenty left over (after tuition and any other tools he needs) that we can set aside specifically for moving costs. We have enough for a U-Haul now, but we need monies for deposits, gasoline, a hotel, etc. I admit to being a little worried about the situation, but the funds were provided for us to *get* out here...I know we'll be granted the funds to get back.
But I still want the fun stuff, too. :PPP Mostly the costume. I can get DDR anywhere.
Speaking of spending money we shouldn't be spending on fun stuff, we went out for dinner last night before grocery shopping. It was really nice to just sit down at a table and have dinner together, talking about nothing in particular. We need a table. Usually, we just sit at our desks and watch TV or mess around online during meals, but that's not really conducive to conversation.
Talked with +Kyle today about the junk that's been floating around in my head. It seems he only meant to encourage me in my endeavours. I'm so used to his cynicism and negativity that I read it to mean "Well, you're looking great, but can't you do more?" Sigh. At least this thing is sorted out, but we're both sort of in this "I can't do anything to make you happy" funk now. He feels like he's giving me all the attention he possibly can, but it's still not enough to me. I feel like, no matter how hard I try, it's (you name it) not ever really good enough to make him happy.
He wants to know why he has to be the one to change. First, I said, because I started making the changes I made because he didn't care. Now all of a sudden, he does care. Second, I asked, what is it you want me to to change?
He wants me to be happy like I was when we got married. But I don't know how to get there. Where do we go from here? Obviously talking is a good way to start, but more importantly we have to start doing. I can't "just be happy".
He went on about his past failures. Screwing up good work situations, etc., and how he doesn't do anything around the house. Something I've thought about now and again, but never really dwelt on is that I feel like I shouldn't have to tell him when something needs doing. It's obvious when dishes need washing, or the floor needs vacuuming, etc. He shouldn't have to ask, "can I help you", and I shouldn't have to ask "Hey, would you do this?" So I told him. I've never really held onto that thought for very long at a time, when it does come up in my mind...I've always talked it down by reasoning that, "He's always at work, so he doesn't have to do __________" or "He's at school, and he'll be tired when he gets home after 12 hours of classes..." I've always sortof let him get away with it, which wasn't good for him, because it just fed a tendency to be lazy (his word, but I won't argue). It wasn't good for me, either, because it just bred resentment at "always being the one to (name thankless chore)".
Anyway, I don't know what to do to change to be happy like I used to be, but if we just keep plugging away, finding the things that have changed between us, and repairing damages done, maybe we will find that path together.
To rebuilding bridges.
Yesterday was *busy*. I got up and ran a couple of errands, and worked out when +Kyle got up. I pulled something at work last week, and wasn't able to work out for a couple of days, but made up for it yesterday, no doubt. I am *so* sore. My abs are getting stronger. Lying flat, with +Kyle holding my feet down, I can pull myself up surprisingly far off the ground after 2-3 weeks of working on an incline. I remember being able to completely sit up from a *reverse* incline, so I'm looking forward to being able to do that again. At this rate, I could do it by summer. I'm benching over half my bodyweight now, squatting 100 lbs, and doing leg curls at 80 lbs. That number seems really pathetic to me, but I always have to be careful of my right knee, and my left ankle is still giving me trouble. It's getting better all the time (*sings*), but I don't want to push it and injure either one further. Also, I can do push-ups again! I can't imagine these guys who just up-down-up-down like it's as easy as walking, though. It's really hard, but feels great. Jack Palance is the man!
Needless to say, I am *really* sore today, but it's a good hurt. I wonder if I'll be in good enough condition to train again tomorrow, but if not, I'll do more stretches. I miss doing Pilates and Tae Bo, but since our VCR died, that's not an option, right now. :P
I'm so wanting DDR! Everyone back home is getting their skillz on with it, so I'm a wee mite jealous. But, I really want to have that costume made before we leave Oklahoma. Both require funds I don't really have, but I'm doing what I can.
My getting *either* one of these hinges on our being able to save enough to actually *move*. +Kyle should be getting his last disbursement around the 14th, so I am hoping there is plenty left over (after tuition and any other tools he needs) that we can set aside specifically for moving costs. We have enough for a U-Haul now, but we need monies for deposits, gasoline, a hotel, etc. I admit to being a little worried about the situation, but the funds were provided for us to *get* out here...I know we'll be granted the funds to get back.
But I still want the fun stuff, too. :PPP Mostly the costume. I can get DDR anywhere.
Speaking of spending money we shouldn't be spending on fun stuff, we went out for dinner last night before grocery shopping. It was really nice to just sit down at a table and have dinner together, talking about nothing in particular. We need a table. Usually, we just sit at our desks and watch TV or mess around online during meals, but that's not really conducive to conversation.
Talked with +Kyle today about the junk that's been floating around in my head. It seems he only meant to encourage me in my endeavours. I'm so used to his cynicism and negativity that I read it to mean "Well, you're looking great, but can't you do more?" Sigh. At least this thing is sorted out, but we're both sort of in this "I can't do anything to make you happy" funk now. He feels like he's giving me all the attention he possibly can, but it's still not enough to me. I feel like, no matter how hard I try, it's (you name it) not ever really good enough to make him happy.
He wants to know why he has to be the one to change. First, I said, because I started making the changes I made because he didn't care. Now all of a sudden, he does care. Second, I asked, what is it you want me to to change?
He wants me to be happy like I was when we got married. But I don't know how to get there. Where do we go from here? Obviously talking is a good way to start, but more importantly we have to start doing. I can't "just be happy".
He went on about his past failures. Screwing up good work situations, etc., and how he doesn't do anything around the house. Something I've thought about now and again, but never really dwelt on is that I feel like I shouldn't have to tell him when something needs doing. It's obvious when dishes need washing, or the floor needs vacuuming, etc. He shouldn't have to ask, "can I help you", and I shouldn't have to ask "Hey, would you do this?" So I told him. I've never really held onto that thought for very long at a time, when it does come up in my mind...I've always talked it down by reasoning that, "He's always at work, so he doesn't have to do __________" or "He's at school, and he'll be tired when he gets home after 12 hours of classes..." I've always sortof let him get away with it, which wasn't good for him, because it just fed a tendency to be lazy (his word, but I won't argue). It wasn't good for me, either, because it just bred resentment at "always being the one to (name thankless chore)".
Anyway, I don't know what to do to change to be happy like I used to be, but if we just keep plugging away, finding the things that have changed between us, and repairing damages done, maybe we will find that path together.
To rebuilding bridges.