GothGeek's Musings

Bizarre things are afoot. Last Sunday, I started feeling cruddy...like "that time of the month" cruddy. All the typical symptoms...nausea...tender nipples...fatigue... So 2 days went by and nothing happened. "That's kinda weird...but then, it's been a couple of months, and I've been under so much stress lately," I shrugged. The symptoms have only continued, increasing in severity. Now, 5 days later, I have odd sensations in my abdomen, my appetite has increased slightly, and I have a recurring backache in addition to all the rest. I started looking up symptoms, and, well...it's not looking so good. First off, it's highly improbable that anything DID happen. But if it did, I know when it happened...we made love at the lake, and my only thought was, "gee, if I were going to get pregnant, this would be the time that would do it". The strangest thing of all is that if I am, I'm okay with it. I've never been fond of kids - certainly never wanted any of my own...but having this "what if" in the back of my mind has made me realize that it's something I could do if necessary. I even had a dream about it last night. The problem... +Kyle was asking how I was feeling last night, and in the midst of relaying my symptoms, I blurted out, "I think I might be pregnant." His reaction was not good. I knew he'd be worried, but he took it to such an extreme that I really couldn't believe it. The worst thing is, I can't tell him how I feel about it. If I were pregnant, he doesn't want to keep it...thus I can't tell anyone. He's so paranoid about the whole thing that I can't tell him that I really think it would be okay. Yes, we'd have to make adjustments, especially with me working. Yes, it'd be (a LOT of) added expense and responsibility. Yes, it would be the exact opposite of what we planned and prepared for. But, we've always adapted to whatever new problem has arisen. What's more, we've ALWAYS been provided for, somehow. God has never let us down, even if we haven't been exactly comfortable in our surroundings. So anyway, we're going to get me tested on Monday...+Kyle just keeps saying to me over and over, "please don't be pregnant" and that hurts a lot more than I expect it to. I'm scared and worried, too, but I'm not 100% adverse to the idea like I used to be. If I do end up testing positive, I can't give it up to someone else to raise. No one else would do it right.