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Impatience
May. 22nd, 2004 11:56 amSo +Kyle came to me yesterday and said, "You're not happy with me, are you?"
I said I didn't know. I don't know. I should be. He's done everything he said he would, and things have turned out like he said they would. He got the job. He found us a place to live, with Ian's help. We got moved out here with relative ease. People are glad to have us back. He already says he hates his job, but he'll stick with it as long as he has to. It looks very good that I'll be getting work soon.
So what the hell is wrong with me? All these positive aspects, and I am still depressed over leaving. Of course, it's mostly only one person I miss enough to BE so depressed, but I have many twinges of sadness for the others, as well. It feels like part of me is missing. I guess it is, really, but for whatever reason I can't or won't let +Kyle fill it. But which is it - can't or won't? Probably the latter, just because I seem to be that awful of a person. Grieving for the loss of one over the gain of many. I wouldn't make a very good world leader.
But the point is, what is wrong with me? Why aren't I happy with what I have? Why can't I even be merely content with it? Don't I believe that what we have can be better, if we're patient and work with it? Moping around isn't helping things, but I don't know how to speed up the process and move on.
He told me to just take the truck and go because he's about had all he will take. I can't do that. What good would it do? He says I'd be happy, and he wouldn't have to put up with all this crap from me anymore. But he doesn't understand that I wouldn't be truly happy. Sure, the situation would likely be more enjoyable, and certainly easier, but with the decision overall, taking the easy way out, no...that wouldn't make me happy, either. So how do I become happy with +Kyle instantaneously, so he doesn't have to suffer? I don't know how to do that. Is it possible to control one's emotions, or only their reactions to the emotions they feel? I have great difficulty "making" myself act happy when I'm depressed. It's not heartfelt, so it's obviously fake.
He doesn't want to wait any longer on me to fall in love with him again - it's been over a month, and that should be long enough, to him...but I don't know how to do it at the drop of a hat. So what happens next? I am here. With him. That's a start. We couldn't start over very well if I were somewhere else. I'd hoped he would appreciate that, but perhaps that was silly of me to consider.
+Kyle's been telling me all sort of things he needs from me for weeks, but this has been one of those things I had to figure out on my own. Sometimes you can be told something over and over, and not get it until you've mulled it over for yourself.
I have to be a wife who loves her husband (and acts like it)...for real. The question is can I do it quickly enough to suit +Kyle before he finally kicks me out? We made some progress tonight, talking about several important aspects, and things seem better for now. I'm just afraid that if I screw up any little thing now, that will have been my very final chance. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me," after all...
We have been going back and forth with this for awhile now. One of us wants to fix things, and the other pulls away. Then it reverses. Back and forth. If we could just both want to fix things together, I'm sure things will work out. It seems like that's where we are right now.
I have to give this marriage everything I have, which is not a whole lot right now...I just hope it's enough.
I said I didn't know. I don't know. I should be. He's done everything he said he would, and things have turned out like he said they would. He got the job. He found us a place to live, with Ian's help. We got moved out here with relative ease. People are glad to have us back. He already says he hates his job, but he'll stick with it as long as he has to. It looks very good that I'll be getting work soon.
So what the hell is wrong with me? All these positive aspects, and I am still depressed over leaving. Of course, it's mostly only one person I miss enough to BE so depressed, but I have many twinges of sadness for the others, as well. It feels like part of me is missing. I guess it is, really, but for whatever reason I can't or won't let +Kyle fill it. But which is it - can't or won't? Probably the latter, just because I seem to be that awful of a person. Grieving for the loss of one over the gain of many. I wouldn't make a very good world leader.
But the point is, what is wrong with me? Why aren't I happy with what I have? Why can't I even be merely content with it? Don't I believe that what we have can be better, if we're patient and work with it? Moping around isn't helping things, but I don't know how to speed up the process and move on.
He told me to just take the truck and go because he's about had all he will take. I can't do that. What good would it do? He says I'd be happy, and he wouldn't have to put up with all this crap from me anymore. But he doesn't understand that I wouldn't be truly happy. Sure, the situation would likely be more enjoyable, and certainly easier, but with the decision overall, taking the easy way out, no...that wouldn't make me happy, either. So how do I become happy with +Kyle instantaneously, so he doesn't have to suffer? I don't know how to do that. Is it possible to control one's emotions, or only their reactions to the emotions they feel? I have great difficulty "making" myself act happy when I'm depressed. It's not heartfelt, so it's obviously fake.
He doesn't want to wait any longer on me to fall in love with him again - it's been over a month, and that should be long enough, to him...but I don't know how to do it at the drop of a hat. So what happens next? I am here. With him. That's a start. We couldn't start over very well if I were somewhere else. I'd hoped he would appreciate that, but perhaps that was silly of me to consider.
+Kyle's been telling me all sort of things he needs from me for weeks, but this has been one of those things I had to figure out on my own. Sometimes you can be told something over and over, and not get it until you've mulled it over for yourself.
I have to be a wife who loves her husband (and acts like it)...for real. The question is can I do it quickly enough to suit +Kyle before he finally kicks me out? We made some progress tonight, talking about several important aspects, and things seem better for now. I'm just afraid that if I screw up any little thing now, that will have been my very final chance. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me," after all...
We have been going back and forth with this for awhile now. One of us wants to fix things, and the other pulls away. Then it reverses. Back and forth. If we could just both want to fix things together, I'm sure things will work out. It seems like that's where we are right now.
I have to give this marriage everything I have, which is not a whole lot right now...I just hope it's enough.
