Crushed...
Sep. 15th, 2002 09:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lsdiamondWe were up late talking last night. +Kyle was so worried about everything, and I tried to reassure him that things would be okay, that we would find a way to get by, if...
So he suddenly turns on me, wanting to know if I intended to keep it or not (again, if...). I said I didn't know, and he started shooting me with all these things like "What about everything we said before we even got married? We talked about this already. We decided no kids. I can't believe you would even consider keeping it!"
I tried to figure out why he was even trying to argue about this with hypotheticals, when we don't even know a yes or no answer about the situation at hand.
I guess we argued for about an hour. It doesn't matter what I say when we argue. He's always already made up his mind about stuff, so it's no use reasoning with him. He absolutely hates dealing with people like that, yet does it himself. I called him on it, and he tried to change the subject, shoving responsibility back on me. Typical.
I'm not even trying to remember things in chronological order. He always picks times when I'm exhausted and really want to sleep to start this sort of thing. But, I love him and don't like "letting the sun go down on my wrath" so I try to work things out...I don't know why I bother.
He went on for the longest time about all the promises we made. I wish I'd thought to say "What about 'always forever, no matter what...'"? Sigh...I'm so terrible at fighting...
He kept going on about *his life*... He won't accept the fact that when you marry someone you no longer HAVE "your life". It becomes "our life". Adam said that, and Jesus quoted him on it, so it MUST be what God wants out of a marriage.
So anyway, the truth came out. He will leave me, and make sure our baby knows it's unwanted in his life, (assuming I am even pregnant at all)...and if I decided to keep it.
How horrible. What kind of a choice is that to force on someone? When faced with a choice like that, how can I want to keep something, as he said, unwanted and unexpected? Yet...how can I live with someone who would make me choose between the lesser of two evils? I know it's wrong to leave your spouse for anything less than adultery. I believe (haven't found the answer yet) it's wrong to just give up a kid when you don't want it. +Kyle's insistent there's nothing in there about the subject, but I don't see how that's possible. Sometimes we're thrown into situations we don't want, but have to adapt. I just want to do the right thing. Abortion is out of the question - we agree there. But he wants it given to someone else to raise. I can't do that, no matter what I WANT.
So if I'm pregnant, I have to choose between +Kyle or the baby. There's no good choice in that equation...I'd regret either decision for the rest of my days...
So he suddenly turns on me, wanting to know if I intended to keep it or not (again, if...). I said I didn't know, and he started shooting me with all these things like "What about everything we said before we even got married? We talked about this already. We decided no kids. I can't believe you would even consider keeping it!"
I tried to figure out why he was even trying to argue about this with hypotheticals, when we don't even know a yes or no answer about the situation at hand.
I guess we argued for about an hour. It doesn't matter what I say when we argue. He's always already made up his mind about stuff, so it's no use reasoning with him. He absolutely hates dealing with people like that, yet does it himself. I called him on it, and he tried to change the subject, shoving responsibility back on me. Typical.
I'm not even trying to remember things in chronological order. He always picks times when I'm exhausted and really want to sleep to start this sort of thing. But, I love him and don't like "letting the sun go down on my wrath" so I try to work things out...I don't know why I bother.
He went on for the longest time about all the promises we made. I wish I'd thought to say "What about 'always forever, no matter what...'"? Sigh...I'm so terrible at fighting...
He kept going on about *his life*... He won't accept the fact that when you marry someone you no longer HAVE "your life". It becomes "our life". Adam said that, and Jesus quoted him on it, so it MUST be what God wants out of a marriage.
So anyway, the truth came out. He will leave me, and make sure our baby knows it's unwanted in his life, (assuming I am even pregnant at all)...and if I decided to keep it.
How horrible. What kind of a choice is that to force on someone? When faced with a choice like that, how can I want to keep something, as he said, unwanted and unexpected? Yet...how can I live with someone who would make me choose between the lesser of two evils? I know it's wrong to leave your spouse for anything less than adultery. I believe (haven't found the answer yet) it's wrong to just give up a kid when you don't want it. +Kyle's insistent there's nothing in there about the subject, but I don't see how that's possible. Sometimes we're thrown into situations we don't want, but have to adapt. I just want to do the right thing. Abortion is out of the question - we agree there. But he wants it given to someone else to raise. I can't do that, no matter what I WANT.
So if I'm pregnant, I have to choose between +Kyle or the baby. There's no good choice in that equation...I'd regret either decision for the rest of my days...
