GothGeek's Musings

This has been a strange, strange week.

Actually, things have been nothing but strange, hectic, and difficult since we got back. +Kyle and I have fought more than ever for weeks. I flipflop on how I feel, and what I think I'm capable of right now. He flipflops on whether or not to kick me out or hold onto me for dear life.

He's threatened to kill himself over me leaving twice this week...this after telling me to get out if I don't want him for him *now*. The last time (I guess it was Thursday) resulted in me getting pretty bruised and slightly cut up from wrestling his 1911 away from him, then his knife, then trying to wear him out hiding the gun in pieces so he couldn't use it. I actually remembered to take the bullet out of the chamber this time, but I couldn't get the safety off to actually do it. This is the pistol he built, and the safety is really tight. I let him believe I threw the gun under the stairs to buy some time, but since it wouldn't budge, I had to hide it. So we played, "Where's the gun? What did you do with it?" for about an hour. This is a fun game where I say nothing and he makes various threats to my bodily health and happiness to try to get me to talk. It's not fun getting tapped in the face with a flashlight, waiting for the blow that's going to cave in part of it.

So after about two hours, and another session of insane laughter at nothing funny, he got to the point of realizing just what he was doing, and stopped. He swears this was the last time. Never again. It sure as hell is the last time. I can't do this anymore. Love puts up with a lot, but it's not stupid, either.

I should note here that he had unplugged the phone and thrown it somewhere so I couldn't call the police, and I wasn't about to leave him alone in the house long enough to find a neighbor who would get up at that hour.

Lots of talking afterward. I don't remember what about, but we calmed down for the time being.

So Friday, we went out, despite having had quite the argument. Much the same topic. I'm not in love with him *now*, so I should just leave. We *had* to go out, because +Kyle needed to pick up his check, and we needed groceries, but also we had been planning to go to the mall all week, just to get out of the house. Now, the last time we'd talked about it, he'd mentioned just going alone. I thought that was a good idea. But we get to Friday, and when I don't want to go, still thinking it a good idea for him to try things without me, he sulks, provoking the argument.

So I ended up going anyway. We went to the mall, obtained Sakkio and then bummed around separately. Ran into each other a couple of times. Decided to leave, and in the car, he asked what kind of a break I wanted. I said I'd been thinking it might be a good idea for me to move out for a couple of months. No, that's not acceptable. If I leave for any amount of time, he'll find me with divorce papers.

So I left that alone, and we drove along to see if Formosa was still around. Someone allegedly found a cat's tooth in their chicken one time around November of last year. I smell conspiracy, because they were planning on a remodel, and had closed for it around that time. It's now something like Fortune Chinese Buffet, and I hope it's run by the same people, because their food was the absolute best. Maybe it really was cat, but if so, I'd live on it. :P Animals taste good.

So we went to Toys R Us afterward just to look around, and avoid going back to the house right away. More separate browsing. I was looking at CDs and games, and +Kyle came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but, can I take you out for coffee?" I didn't get what he was doing, but accepted and linked arms with him. He asked if I was that close with everyone, or if he was just that good. I started to understand, and said I was just that affectionate, and he was kinda cute.

So he started talking about his wife and how he was feeling neglected and they were having a lot of problems, etc. We went down to Barnes and Noble since there's a Starbucks, got frappuccinos and sat down and talked about our respective situations. It was interesting talking about him like he wasn't there, and hearing his take on things I have done. We speculated about each other's spouses and the reasons they might do the things they do. Maybe he didn't understand that his reactions to her "health craze" was actually destructive. Maybe she doesn't want to tell him about things that bother her, because it'll mean she's nagging, etc. "I know that's something I tend to do," type speculation.

It was an interesting approach, but I still didn't understand exactly his reasoning behind it. He kept saying things like, "Maybe I just need to let her go...give her the space she's looking for." I'm sitting here going, "He finally gets it!" He said that he didn't know how things were going to work out with his wife, but that he liked me and would like to spend some time with me, maybe going out on the weekends or something.

To me, that sounds like someone who has resigned themself to the fact that they can't be with the person they love for whatever reason. Perhaps I only think this way because it's what I've had to do.

But no...when we got back to the house, and I 'crashed at his place', he decided he wanted to talk about the evening. I really didn't think it a good idea, but agreed to against my better judgment.

It turned out that he was trying to start over with no baggage. Good idea, perhaps, but he was still trying to force something that isn't there, which only frustrated matters more. THEN he turned around and asked, "Will you marry me?" Did he really expect me to say yes?

I tried, I really did, to be calm and explain why this wasn't a helpful situation, but it just deteriorated. He started praying for me to be healed from our fight, and for our marriage to be restored. I didn't even say an amen. I was too beyond frustrated and exhausted to know if I really agreed, and am I going to lie about it? Not even.

So yesterday we muddled along after yet another fight before he went to work. He said, "If you don't want me for me...don't be here when I get back." So I tried to find somewhere to go with no luck. Called Mary. No answer. Called Pam. No answer. Got on LJ to see if anyone was even on that I could talk to. Des replied, but she was going out to help Jason, and she's been sick anyway, so I wouldn't want to burden her with this right now.

So I debated what to do at all, and, still being mentally exhausted, I took a nap on the couch. Most of my stuff is packed, and he didn't say I should take everything...just to not be there. The problem being that I had nowhere to go, I left messages and waited for some reply. Pam called around 6:00, and we talked for a long time about what's been going on. I came to some disturbing conclusions, the largest of which is that, even though I didn't sleep with anyone else, I'm still an adulteress in this. Emotional lust is still lust. Wanting what's not rightfully yours in the stead of what is yours. We talked about other things, like what's helped her in her marriage, their struggles with mental problems. Granted, she's never had to deal with physical abuse, but their problems have been dreadful.

She did tell me something that I think I finally get. I asked her, "How much is 'a lot'?" She said she thought I knew, but honestly, I didn't. She said that there comes a point where you have to ask if you've truly done everything you can for this person, and when you get to that point, you have to remember that the choices they make are THEIR choices. She said I am not responsible for the things +Kyle does. She said it was a hard lesson for her to learn that she was not responsible for the times when Gg made self-damaging choices, but eventually she learned it.

I'm at that point.

I told her about the things that +Kyle has changed so drastically to try to make this work. Yes, it was all based on hope and perhaps some faith, but he did get a job. He hates it, but he's said he'll stick with it as long as it takes. He found us a place to live. She expressed consternation on the timing of it, my stress level, and the fact that we have NO money.

I had seriously thought about staying in Oklahoma for a couple more weeks, just to keep drawing a paycheck and get things going that much more easily. She said that could have been a good idea. The problem was that +Kyle has always said if I stayed behind, or leave him, it's for good. So far I haven't been able to, in good conscience, do that. And the few times I've taken him at his word, it's resulted in him begging me to stay in some way or another.

I have, up to this point, been operating under the belief that it's possible that I could learn to love +Kyle again. I've come to realize that's impossible until my feelings for Scooter fade to a sufficiently "friendly" level. I don't know how long that's going to take, or honestly, if it will happen at all. Until that happens, all I have to hang onto is my desire to do what's right in spite of what I want. I've tried to explain this to +Kyle on numerous occasions, but only last night did he *get* it. Now all of a sudden, he's willing to wait. I guess he sees a ray of hope in this. I'm not there yet. I'm still hurting from this.

+Kyle has gone over time and time again how he's hurting too. I know he's hurting. It's kindof my fault that he's hurting. He reminds me constantly how we shouldn't even be here - I'm punishing him by making him wait for me to love him like I should, being that he's my husband and all. I've explained time and time again that it's not intentional. It never has been. Well...I can't say that...but it didn't start that way. I was starving for something, didn't know how to get it , and when it came along by accident, I held on with both hands, even when the voice in the back of my mind said, "You really don't need to be here." By then, I didn't care anymore because I was happy, and +Kyle didn't seem to mind since I was finally less melancholy.

Until of course it got to the point where I gave my heart, which I had so carefully locked away from +Kyle to keep from getting hurt anymore, to someone to whom I had no right. Then I got more depressed than before.

Still operating under this belief that it may be possible to be happy with +Kyle again, I've had to stop talking to Scooter at all, even as a friend. At least for awhile. It's so draining on me. I know we can't be anything more than friends, and I can't keep expending energy on something for which hope must be postponed indefinitely. Even if +Kyle and I do wind up separating, I'll have no choice but to be alone, because the woman at the well was forgiven...but told to go and sin no more. If I want to do the right thing, I have to play by the rules...even though it hurts like hell. I have explained this to them both as best I know how, but I don't think either one really understands.

Scooter has always said my happiness is the most important thing to him. If I can be happy with +Kyle, that's what he wants for me. If I can't be happy unless we're apart, that's what he wants for me. Yet, he will wait to the end of his days for a chance to be with me if possible. That is a great source of pain for me in this, too, because I let things go so far.

I can't help that we grew to love each other so deeply. I should have told him I feared where this was going much sooner than I did. And when I actually realized where it was going, I should have said goodbye before things got so involved. But I was foolish...arrogant...I thought I could control things better. I thought I could keep my feelings in check. We both did.

I miss him so, so much. I miss everyone.

There was a little girl in church this morning. She looked almost just like Twyla. About the same age...darker hair, but similar facial features, and a sweet temperment. I cried all during church, partially because of her and missing Twyla and everyone, and partially because the sermon and readings hit really close to home right now. It was about faith and what kinds you can have:

No faith (disciples in the storm)
Little faith (Peter falling after walking on the water)
Great faith (pagan woman begging Jesus for her daughter's healing)

The underlying idea was that faith, being the stuff of which our hopes are made, and the evidence of things we can't physically experience, is the reason behind the things we do as Christians, or rather, it should be.

I'm so sad today. I'm trying to open up to +Kyle, but it's hard because the main reason I'm sad is the main reason he's angry. It's not fair that he is in this situation, but it's still not fun for me, either.

Okay...

So I've already been plagued with strange dreams involving other men. Did I really have to go and make things worse on myself? Why yes, yes I did.

It finally rained today, so I decided to burn old papers that we didn't need anyore...bank receipts, etc. I had a couple folders of misc. stuff that I'd been meaning to get rid of, including Danny's old letters & our chats. I've been meaning to get rid of these things for about 5 years, but just never managed to get around to it. It's one of those things I didn't want to have to 'explain' having if +Kyle ever did find them.

But instead of just tossing the folder into the flames, I started reading. Yes, they all eventually got burned, and I didn't read everything all over again - just enough to remember the early days of our relationship when he ended every letter and chat with 'remember I love you.' I was so full of teen angst then, and he was a lot more mature than I gave him credit for toward the end.

I really believe he loved me once. He truly cared about my well being, and was concerned over the smallest things. He treated me like a princess. I actually found myself wondering...maybe regretting is too strong a word... I wonder what would have happened if I had run away to be with him. Or if I had at least told my parents about him...would they have let me meet him?

He was ready to take me away from everything if I would just say the word. He'd have bought me a ticket out of there. He would have taken me in. He'd have given me anything I ever desired. I'd have never wanted for anything.

But would I be happy like that?

I have to remember the fights. They weren't many, but they were over big things. He wanted kids. I disliked them. He's Catholic. Catholicism takes Christianity and twists it into such a contorted practice that it's no wonder it's so popular - who could complain about a free ticket to heaven? All you have to do is pay your way out of Purgatory. You don't even have to stop sinning, as long as you go to confession.

But I digress...this is not about the issues of traditionalism...this is about me in a place I don't understand.

Not only the fights...remember what he did? He didn't accept me for who I was when I went crazy. He barely tried to stop me when I was going to kill myself. Instead, he told a mutual friend that we had broken up and went with her. Who does that??

But I was a problem, too... I was so attached, but unwilling (??) to do anything to complete the circle. I wanted to be with him, but was too afraid to let it happen. Too afraid of my parents. I sought their approval rather than trying to be happy...even though I was miserable where I was. I knew they needed me. Mom was having so many problems then. Dad couldn't take care of everyone and keep working. I had to take care of everyone. I couldn't abandon them.

I pined after he so unceremoniously dumped me. Here, the man who had asked me to marry him didn't even officially break things off. Being the mature teen that I was, I wrote all kinds of awful pleading letters. Naturally, when those didn't work, I turned to bad-mouthing him to everyone we knew. Look what he did to your beloved Diamond...

I can't believe I was ever that horrible...but I was.

I did end up apologizing, and he accepted, saying we'd be friends...but I've heard from him perhaps once or twice since then.

He's married now. I happened upon the wedding site in late 2001. Kimmy is really cute, and I'm glad for them both. My entry of congratulation was deleted from the guestbook. I assume he's trying to close that chapter, or perhaps Kimmy doesn't want me around - don't blame either of them if that's the case. They've got a great new house...very pretty, and it sounds like a nice neighborhood. One of those fancy communities.

Am I envious of Kimmy? I don't think so - I'm genuinely happy that Danny found someone to have and to hold, and she seems like a nice girl. Certainly, I'm curious - what would it have been like if I had been that someone?

Maybe it just comes down to this...am I satisfied now?

I love +Kyle. I can't imagine losing him for any reason, and the thought of doing anything to hurt him absolutely kills me. I can't see myself in that position. We agree on the important things like Scripture. Neither of us wants kids.

But things aren't like they were. I don't get excited like I used to. Like when we first started dating, the mention or thought of just a kiss was enough to set my heart racing. It's commonplace now. It may mean 'I love you', but it doesn't MEAN it. The dreams I've had lately bring back that fluttering rush, and it both excites and saddens me.

I've spent the last year supporting him. He had a desire: to go back to school. No, I didn't want to move 800 miles away from everyone and live in the middle of nowhere. But I did it for him. Of course, I ONLY did it after months of prayer and uncertainty as to whether or not this was the right thing, but when it became apparant that it was the right decision to make, I agreed. Heck, I practically pushed him into it by the end of things.

I wanted a job, and I got it. I didn't intend to be the breadwinner: I'm not built or programmed for it, and I've paid for that dearly. But I've done it, and I've earnestly tried not to complain about it too much - I'm still thankful for the job. There's just the burnout setting in that makes me feel sick of it all. I'm stuck in the position, though, why? Because he wants to finish school, and I want him to be happy.

When do I get to be happy?

But then he wanted a dog. I hate dogs. Now I REALLY hate dogs. But no, this is different...we've talked about getting a wolf hybrid for years, studied them, etc. The opportunity arose, and he took me to meet the family. I caved. We talked about it the whole way home - should we? Can we afford one? Do we really want one now? I knew...I knew, I knew, I knew that we shouldn't. We really couldn't afford one (oh, but we could find a way to do so...adjust our budget...make it fit!) , but I had fallen into puppy love with that pup, and rather than sleeping on it as we should have, we made an executive decision based on the tugging of heartstrings. (Good DAY I hate that word...)

I think I resent +Kyle. I feel like he dragged me away from my family. (Reality: He didn't; I agreed to go...and anyway, it's OUR family even if he barely has anything to do with them.) I feel like he's not trying hard enough to make this work. (Reality: he is again working this semester to help get some debts paid off, even though last semester he said 'never again!'...all this with 5 or so more credit hours than he had last semester.) I feel like he pushed me into getting the mutt. (Reality: We were just stupid on this one, both of us, and no one forced us to get her.) He loves that stupid dog and I can't stand her. He resents me for that. I resent her for taking my place. (Reality: she hasn't taken my place, but she's made a crowd where before there was company.) He's offered to get rid of her, but I won't do it because then he'll resent me more for getting rid of her. So there we are again... He's happy and I'm not. Maybe not happy...he wishes I liked her, but oh well...

We never talk anymore. (True: He's always at school, I'm always at work, and when we're home, one of us is on the computer pretty much until bedtime.) Talking is all we had to base our relationship on from the start, and now we never do it.

Sex is still good...when I'm in the mood for it, which is maybe once a month anymore. The rest of the time, I pretty much just do it to keep him happy. This is definitely wrong. I remember being at a point where the slightest touch would get me so wet I needed to change JEANS. What happened? Half the time I'm not slick enough to even take him...even after a good tongue-lashing. Maybe it's just stress, but I think it's something more, and wish I could put my finger on it.

Everything must be tied together somehow- but how? I have all these negative feelings based on false events. When did I start remembering things differently than they happened?

I don't know. I just want things to be the way they were. I want my dreams to become real but with +Kyle there. I want to be happy for a change, instead of trying to please everyone else.

Today has been a mixed day...+Kyle had a day off, and earlier in the week we had planned to go biking today if the weather was nice. That's all well and good, except for that I, being the duck that I am (waking up in a new world every day, and all), forgot. Dad called this morning in panic mode - the job we worked on all day yesterday ended up being the wrong design....so I was going to go out and help out with that. Then my dear husband reminds me "I thought we were going to go out today." "Oh yeah!" (Not that I remembered WHAT we were going out to do, but I did realize we had some plan of some sort.) So I call back and see if my brother can help out instead because we have things that need doing today...long story short, I got a couple things together to run some errands "while we were out". Did +Kyle ask "Why are you doing that if we're just going to ride bikes?" or "Can that wait till we get back?" No... just "Oh, OK." Did he proceed to get the bikes out of the study so they'd be ready when I was through at the post office? No... So I'm at fault for forgetting, but also feel he's at fault for not mentioning (especially knowing my penchant for forgetting things) what we're doing. Long story short, we get into a fight outside the post office (still sitting in the truck, mind you), and he abandons me there. He actually walked home from the post office, leaving me in the truck. It's only a mile or 2 away, but geesh! "You can drive home, I'm walking." "No I can't - it's..." "Tough" (insert car door slam) "...illegal for me to drive without an unlicensed driver in the car with me."

So I waited 30 minutes in the truck for the post office to open...talking to myself, going over what was said and what happened, trying to make some rational judgement as to why, and all I can come up with is I'm an idiot who screws up everything I touch. I walked over to the gas station to call home and see if he'd gotten in ok. No answer. He's either ignoring the phone, turned it off, or never got inside.

So I waited some more...post office opened again, and I went in to mail stuff. The cute lady at the counter asked if all the stuff I mail is stuff I'm making. I tried to be polite and all, but I'd been crying for half an hour, so I didn't feel like being very talkative...any other day and I'd have gone on about my hobby.

Left the post office...debated driving home anyway, but with the way things have been for the past year, I'd have gotten pulled over for SOMETHING and ticketed for only having a permit...and we certainly can't afford that. So I walked home. About 3/4 of the way there, who do I see walking up the road? I crossed the street to meet him, and he just kept on walking. He walks fast anyway, but faster when he's mad, so I got left behind pretty quickly. We got to the truck and he started in with the "Why don't you want to spend time with me?" thing.

"I do, but I'm trying to help our financial situation as much as possible - trying to alleviate all the things you're SO worried about and you don't think I care to spend time with you?"

"You were so ready to drop our plans to help your dad."

"That was BEFORE you reminded me that we HAD plans to begin with." He knows I'm forgetful. Yada yada yada...we really could go on like this forever if I didn't apologize for whatever he seems to think I've done every time he's mad at something totally unrelated. Plus, I was mad because a few years ago we watched some movie where Kurt Russell let his wife go off to get help when their car broke down in the desert, and she ended up getting kidnapped, and he promised me then that he'd NEVER abandon me in a car like that. He doesn't remember it, but we never remember things the same way. I'm probably wrong somehow, but that's what I remember him saying, so that's what I was mad about.

This whole day happened because he's making $170 less than the bare minimum we need to pay our bills (not including groceries, gasoline, etc.) every month, and he just can't let that go and realize that we're BOTH still looking for SOME better job, we're being mostly provided for as far as food goes because of his current job. My little hobbies are bringing in a little bit of extra fundage, our landlady is FABULOUS about letting us pay rent when we can, and the other bills can be mostly taken care of. He just can't seem to comprehend working on one problem at a time - he lets everything pile up until one little annoying thing (like me) sets him off and he blows up (at me).

I said something snide before about him almost always jumping on "that machine" as soon as he gets home. He *sometimes* lets me hug him when he comes home, and he *sometimes* comes up and hugs me if I'm doing the dishes when he gets home, but 80% or more of the time the first thing he does is go for email, or a game, or something. And he complains that I don't want to spend time with him? It's no wonder I'm a chat addict. OK, so I'm not totally over it...I still feel hurt by his accusations and then his "Oh I'm sorry, were you saying something, dear?" when I was through going on about it.

So he's sitting at his computer, and I'm on the couch, seriously considering going into the kitchen and just slashing my wrists to ribbons like I promised I'd never do again. (The veins were throbbing so badly...I really wanted to cut like I haven't in years...that scares me now that I'm not in that mode.) Our neighbor (friend of my family for as long as I can remember) knocks on the door. He offered to help us out with rent the other day, and was coming over to talk with my hub about it. They went over to his house, and I sat in here and contemplated cutting some more. I ended up wrapping my forearms in paper towels and Priority mail tape to keep from doing anything stupid. I should take that off before we leave.

There really was a good part to today, but we're going to my parents' house for our usual Friday fare, so I'll have to write about that later.

...So now it's later. ^_^ Anyway, after awhile +Kyle came back over to get out current bank balances. I dug those out and took them over, and our neighbour invited me to stay and chat as well. Turns out we got some much-needed spiritual counseling, as well as help with our budget. He was an accountant major, and has really helped us see how to work with crisis management...negotiating with our bills and whatnot.

More importantly, he helped my husband see what I haven't been able to communicate to him - He HAS to learn to let things go. He has to put them aside and make that decision to not let them bother him, and put his faith (that God will provide) into action. He has to lay these things at the throne of grace.

Our neighbor is really a Moses when it comes to these things...he isn't elegant or eloquent in his speech, but he sure gets the point across. Thank God for this wonderful brother!!!! He hit numerous nails on the head - stuff my hubby didn't want to (and sometimes couldn't see to) admit. It's just so amazing to speak with someone so 'in tune' with the Word.

I know I need to put most (if not all) of these things more into practice too, but +Kyle has been affected the most by this. He thinks I don't care about the situation, but the truth is that I am at peace with whatever happens. I know it's for a reason, and that we'll get out of it. God's been too good to me (in spite of how difficult I've made that) for me NOT to acknowledge this. Plus just bottling things up is just one of those "guy" things to do. One more addition is that +Kyle is so anti-social. He doesn't mind talking with people...as long as he's not around them. Tonight on the way home from the 'rents house, he told me he wanted to get out of his shell, but at the same time he doesn't want to. I can understand that...he hasn't had good experiences with people overall. But take my (extended) family for instance - they're GREAT. I come from a long line of Christians, and everyone is just so....loving. Sure, I'm not entirely comfortable with my cousin's new husband - only cause I haven't really sat down and talked with him yet. Sure I still don't particularly like my widowered uncle's new wife (but that's another long long story), but that is more a problem with my unwillingness to accept her. My family is the best family I know....and my hubby wants little to do with them. I hope he can garner the strength to get over this aversion to people...I hope I can support him however he needs.

This has gone on too long...I ramble on so. -_- It just had to come out, though. I had to get rid of it, because making up today just wasn't enough this time.