GothGeek's Musings

Well, here I am... Getting ready to go in for my first training session at The Dreaded Mart of Wal. Almost finished with breakfast, then I need to make myself look somewhat less undead (having been on a more-or-less third-shift lifestyle for about two weeks now), then leave in about 10 minutes.

We watched Big Fish last night. I really enjoyed it, and +Kyle seemed to. There's something about stories of eternally-devoted lovers that stings a bit at the moment, but it's a good story about not-so-tall tales. It wasn't as Burtonesque as I'd expected...definitely strange, and exactly the sort of story he'd do, but it wasn't as overt as his work usually is. Maybe our boy is growing up. *sniff*

I chatted with Nancy a bit last night over Yahoo. She's such a delight to talk to, and I miss going over to her house to spend time with her. It sounds like they're going to have a lot of fun at Lake Powell later in the summer.

Well, I'd best go so I'm not late. Rather be early! Ganbaru!

I realize it's probably a good thing that Scooter is not online tonight... I can't be emotionally dependent on someone who isn't around. It would be comforting, but also painful.

+Kyle is driving me absolutely bonkers, though. He keeps asking me what's wrong. It hasn't changed - I don't want to move, but I am going to anyway. I told him I'd work through this with him, that I'd be with him no matter what. He's moving, so that means I have to as well. He says I'm not trying to make this work. How can I tell him about my inner battle? I may have had to force down emotional attachment from Scooter, but I *do* still love him. Just because he's not going to be around doesn't mean he'll be gone from my mind or my heart right away.

I wish that the idea of seeing everyone again was comforting or even happy, but it's not. All I can see right now is that I am leaving a lot of people I love dearly behind...especially one.

+Kyle wrote this immense letter today outlining that he wants to be everything for me...so much so that I never even think of another man. He wants me to smile about him like he does about me. Having little more than compassion for +Kyle right now, that's not a thought that seems feasible. It doesn't sound pleasant. It feels like going back to prison after being pardoned from a life sentence. Isn't that a horrible way for me to feel?

I want to do the right thing...apparantly that is to stay with +Kyle and work my ass off for the next however many years. But at the same time, I see my reasons to smile being left behind. Perhaps I will find old ones again in Alabama. Perhaps new, what with school coming up...although I think I'm going to have to put it off because +Kyle keeps reminding me how much debt we already have. -_- I really don't want to do that, because if I don't go back now, I may never go back.

For +Kyle's sake, I'm hopeful that these strong emotions will fade over time, but I'm also fearful that they will. No one *wants* to hurt, but I am afraid that one day I will find I don't miss him that much, and the pain inside me even now will cease. What happens in that case? What if he still misses me? Or what if he finds he doesn't miss me so much anymore, either? What if he finds someone else? I would be happy for him...but would I not also feel a sense of loss? He says he doesn't want anyone else...but life tends to throw things at us when we least expect it. I have to keep that possibility in mind. He is strong, but can he last that long? Will he grow weary? Will loneliness overtake him? Bitterness? I hope not. I have given him yet another hypocrite to despise, yet he does not see it, or at least, has not acknowledged it to me.

We got up rather late (9-ish) and went to church shortly thereafter. Mainly it was a ceremony to honor mothers, being Mother's Day.

So afterward, we came back to the house, grabbed a quick lunch (bratwurst & salad), and Scooter came by about half an hour earlier than we expected, so we ran around and left out shortly after 1:00.

The drive to Sherman is interminable going the back roads, because there is just nothing to look at. Trees. Sign. Trees. Grass. Trees. Grass. Bridge. Grass. Cows. Grass. Cows. Sign. Grass. Grass. Cow. Barn. Sign. Grass. Cows. Trees. Grass. McDonald's. Then you meet Hwy 82, and you're basically there.

So we got tickets for the 4:00 showing of Van Helsing, then bummed around the mall for awhile. +Kyle had a nosebleed shortly after we arrived.

Really, all we did was play in the arcade. I did pod racing, but the screen is going out, so it wasn't a very successful run. +Kyle found an awesome game that senses your movement - you're a member of the Japanese police, and you go in, taking out the yakuza (Japanese mafia). Very very cool. If you duck, the viewpoint ducks. Hide behind a wall, likewise. Stand up to fire, etc. It's really awesome. They need it in Huntsville if they don't have it already. Can't remember what it was called, though. Scooter very nearly beat Soul Caliber. On the very last guy, in the very last battle, the enemy overtook him with a series of devastating blows. He said it was the closest he's ever come to beating it without using any Continues. ^_^ After that, he challenged us each to air hockey. +Kyle won 7-6, in a very long match. The puck flew off the table several times. My game wasn't nearly as long, but I still did pretty well - 7-6, but Scooter won that time. My weak spot is the right side of the goal, and I didn't guard it very well.

After playing, it was getting close enough to 4:00 that we decided to head toward the theatre. We got there about 10 'til, and the place was pretty much packed. Our seats were in the front row of the stadium area, which is placed *about* as far back as we like to sit, so they were decent.

( Van Helsing - possible spoilers ahead )

After the film, we went for Chinese at China Star. It was of course quite good. It's no Formosa, and hopefully one of these days we can show our friend what REAL Chinese tastes like...but it was still good. We made small talk...largely about the movie.

by now it was about 7:30, and thus far too early to think about calling it a night, so we decided to go back through Durant and do the Sunday night bowling deal. It didn't start until 10, so we put our names on the list - lane 16 - the first lane we ever played. Since it was rather early yet, we went for coffee at the Waffle Shoppe. I don't remember much of the conversation...just enjoyed the company. I know 80s cartoons were discussed at some point. Probably plans for the future. Reminiscence... I tried not to think about the fact that this was our last outing.

So...Bowling! On Sundays, it's a $5 cover (shoes included), and each game is a quarter.
We can play four games in two hours, so this turned out to be a good deal. We still never broke 400, but it was a lot of fun. Scooter & I split a pitcher again, but I didn't get nearly as blitzed as last time. :P That's probably the last time I'll be combining alcohol and any kind of publicly recreational activity, simply because +Kyle only drinks the really dark beers. Maybe if Des comes along, or if we go anywhere with Gamegod and Geekgrrl. Ian's not old enough yet.

The place shut down around midnight, so since I had to be at work later, we figured it was a good idea to get back to Madill. It seems like the ride home was pretty quiet. Bridges were discussed. At some point in the evening, Scooter informed us that the Roosevelt Bridge between Kingston and Durant sways, and he had had to stop on it one time (due to traffic, I think), and noticed it then. Once again, I am not looking forward to the one over the Mississippi on I-40. I always dread bridges of any sort, anyway, but that one is just...yikes... +Kyle jokingly said he was going to cross it and I could follow him or not, but I don't think he realizes just how much they scare me. Worse than high places. Upon a Googling, I find the term to be "gephyrophobia", and that it is a fairly common fear. Meh. Doesn't make me not have to drive over it!

Overall, it was a great day. I can't believe how much I'm going to miss these outings with our illustrious friend - even when he's on a down cycle. Yes, we'll do similar activities with friends in Alabama...I'm really trying to look forward to that...but this especially hurts.

Nancy finished my costume. It's hella cool, and absolutely incredible work. We had one last fitting before she hemmed the bottom of the bodice, and we just sat and talked about miscellany for about an hour. We talked a little about the move, but not much, and it's a good thing.

Anyway, pictures will be forthcoming. I made the cloak, and it's pretty good. It flows beautifully - am considering lining it with a red metallic flecked material that I just love, but it won't flow the same if I do, so I'm going to have to try a small piece of the two materials first.

Jim came in a couple of times - they're taking a vacation somewhere this summer, and he was getting a place reserved. Their whole family gets together for *everything*. It's pretty cool. ^_^

Leaving was hard. I managed to not break up until after driving off, but after that was the end. I'm going to miss them so much, especially Nancy. I finally realized who she reminds me of so much...Kathy...

And lastly, some fitting words from Chobits...

"Oh, no, I’m fine. I only feel like an angel who was sitting on cloud 9, playing my harp without a care in the world, when all of a sudden, my wings were ripped off, sending me plummeting down to hell and the sulfurous Abyss of Pure Misery." - Hideki

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today was a pretty good day, overall. Not much really went on for the first half. I got up around 8:00 so I could check email and such before running some errands around town.

First, I took laundry to the 'mat, and then ran to the post office for a couple of cube boxes. Those two eBay auctions NEED to go out Monday. Then I went to Wesley's Closet to look for clothes. Being the 4th Saturday, it was bag sale day - $1.00 for you to cram as many clothes as you can into a standard size plastic grocery bag. Not a bad deal. I think I got about a dozen pairs of jeans for +Kyle and myself for $4, plus some workout shorts and a couple nice shirts. Eat that, Old Navy!

Ran back to the laundromat and put things in the dryer. Next, onto The Dreaded (Mini) Mart of Wal for some cough drops, as I'd woken with a nasty cough, much like when I'm coming down with something. I'm pretty sure I am. :P Bleh. Saw George out in the parking lot, corralling shopping carts. He seemed in good spirits as per usual.

Back to the laundromat for a second round through the dryer, then went back to the house to see if it was "safe". +Kyle had said he needed me out of the house *anyway*, so he could wrap my pressie. He was finished with that, so I checked email and such before going back for the clothes.

+Kyle called the guys back about taking Washu, and they agreed to. +Kyle drove her out there, and said that she was just as happy as anything after her initial "I'm meeting someone new" growl. He misses her, but I think we did the right thing giving her up. She needs more room than we can give her at this time, and probably for awhile. She needs a pack. These people have a huge place and several animals for her to befriend. They have several years' experience in caring for and breeding them. +Kyle said their animals weren't as pretty as Washu, though.

So later, +Kyle ran out and got a cake for the party, and picked up something else, but I don't remember what it was. We just basically vegged for a couple of hours. I think there was talking, but that would have put me in a poor mood for the day, so I think we dropped it. We took about an hourlong nap, since it was likely we'd be out late, at least with the movie.
We got ready to go around 3:00 and left at 4:00. I forgot the camera, and we had to come back for it; fortunately it was easy to find, and we realized it was missing only just after the first bridge, so it wasn't terribly out of our way.

We stopped by Clary's to see if they were still open for an imprinting, but they close at noon on Saturdays. D'oh... A quick run by the ATM, and then we went to Simple Simon's to wait on people. It was right at 4:30 like we expected.

Everyone was there by 5:00 except VJ. Mike & Lydia, Scooter, Micah, and Joanna were all there, and VJ came very shorly after 5:00. Brian wasn't feeling well, which was sad, because we like him. Joanna's boyfriend was also unable to make it, which was fine, because we don't really know him. We took LOTS of pictures. Everyone got along famously, so it was great. We all talked about everything under the sun, mostly just goofing off, and telling stories on ourselves. I wish I remembered entire conversations like that better. I need to start carrying around a tape recorder. :P

Presents! I had told +Kyle to make sure people knew NO GIFTS, but somehow that word was not spread to everyone. This was meant to be rather a Hobbit birthday. Mike and Lydia bestowed upon me a copy of Tales of Mystery and Imagination by The Alan Parsons Project, which ROCKS. VJ brought me some new face paint (haha! - eyeliner and the like). The pièce de résistance was from my family - DDR Max 2 with 2 gamepads. Muahahaha! I have already gotten a 111 combo, albeit only on Beginner Mode. I've played at least a half hour every day since, and today over an hour.

The cake was a disaster. Oh, yes, it was good. Fudge. Chocolate icing. Tasty. But ugh. +Kyle nearly went into a diabetic coma after eating his. Really, we all did. I definitely got sick on it, and I didn't eat nearly the whole piece. Sugar and I just do not get along. We all agreed it was divine, but also of the devil. LOL

Everyone dissolved around 7:00, which was about as long as we expected. It had been a quiet evening at Simple Simon's, so we didn't bother anyone, and no one bothered us. The manager gave us a sweet deal on dinner since we were having so many people.

So, Scooter, +Kyle and I had already been planning to go see The Punisher all week, so we went down to Jim & Nancy's to shoot some pool before heading down to Sherman, since we'd miss the 7:30 showing by now. Much of their extended family was there due to Promise's baby shower. Tyla and a cousin were watching The Haunted Mansion, so we saw about the second half of that. It really is kindof a cute movie. Cheesy as all, but cute.

Got to Sherman about half an hour early for the 10:30 showing. We'd seen all the previews except for The Village. This was funny. I had just said not 5 seconds before that promo came up that I was ready for a new M. Night Shamaylan film. Voila! It really does look interesting, and I'm glad to see Joaquin Phoenix in another one of his films.

( So The Punisher was freaking AWESOME! )

So after the movie, we went for the customary coffee and chat, this time at IHOP. This is definitely my favorite so far. Waffle Shoppe...ehh... Denny's...very not bad... IHOP...magnifique... Oh dear, am I becoming a coffee snob? Help! There is a Starbuck's in Sherman, after all. But I doubt they're open late, and we only drink coffee after midnight...

So I think the next movie we're going to see is going to be Van Helsing... Really looking forward to that one!

I'm reminded that it was only a week ago that Nancy and I were talking about this situation, albeit not *everything* involved. It feels like a month.

I forget exactly what brought it up, but there was the subject of happiness. She mentioned that you can't step on other peoples' toes for your own happiness. But, at the same time, you can't try to make everyone else happy - you have to make *yourself* happy, because no one else really knows how. I think that was the gist of what she was saying. Knowing the way she believes, I understand that she was leading me to a conclusion without preaching at me. She understands that you sometimes have to let people make their own mistakes, and then show them that love, grace, and forgiveness I was talking about before.

So I understand that what I need to be concentrating on is "what would make God happy?"

The problem is that I don't know what that is. I know that 90% of the people I know are spouting "divorce is a sin" and "the wife's body is not hers, but her husband's" and how wrong I am for even being in the place I am right now, for allowing that vicious cycle to ever start. Listen, people, I already know that I've been wrong. I've been admitting that since I started coming out about all of this stuff. I took that speck out of my eye as soon as I saw it was there, and now I'm pointing out that some of you might just have splinters to contend with.

Do I think I'm better than you? No. I know better than that. None of us is better than anyone else in God's eyes. No one deserves anything more than death and hell. But look at what we have, despite what we deserve.

I have learned over the years that even advice given with the best intentions is not always good advice. I have learned over the years that no one congregation or individual has 100% of the truth correct. I have learned over the years that God is not the tyrant that many religions and "denominations" make Him out to be. Yes, He has a plan for everyone's life. It's the ideal path for any one person to take. And yes, there's only one way to reach Him - through Christ Jesus. But He also allows for the fact that humans are weak. He gives us an outline, but He also provides grace and forgiveness for the times when we go out of those bounds.

Sometimes we children run out into the street instead of staying in the safe playground. When that happens, He picks us up, kisses our skinned elbow, makes it better, and shows us the way to get back to the playground. He never ever drags us back with Him. He shows us what could be, and lets us decide whether to come with Him or continue playing in the street.

This is what I was talking about when I said that the Scott family has a more Christian love than most Christians I've ever met.

The one thing I am certain of that would make God happy is to treat others with love. Right now, I don't know exactly how to do that with certain people. I need time to learn how. I need space to learn how. Frankly, I need time and space just to learn how to treat *myself* with love, because I *really* don't know how to do that. How can I be expected to know when others are *truly* treating me with love?

I know I was put in a loving, Christian family for a reason. I just believe that maybe that reason was to teach them something they may not have thought of or realized before. I don't pretend to be any great scholar. But I do know that God gave me one gift for certain - a mind that doesn't work like everyone else's. It never has. It's caused a lot of problems for me. It takes longer to reach some conclusions than most people's. The path it takes is longer and more difficult, and the footing is usually unsure. I have a hard time with simple mathematics, for example. But when I am in a discussion with people, sometimes the most off-the-wall idea will come to my mind, and it takes awhile for me to explain it to where everyone understands where I am coming from. But once everyone does, it makes sense, and I have contributed something worthwhile, something useful. I have helped someone. I have been given the way to help someone.

+Kyle sat on the couch a minute ago, to try something that we had talked about over coffee Saturday morning. Scooter used to use the Bible as a tool of guidance. He would, when a situation arose that he didn't know how to handle, set a Bible up on its' edge, close his eyes, let it fall wherever, and run his finger down the page until it 'felt' right. He said never once did it fail to apply to what he needed at that time. He said that he understood then that the whole of the Word can apply to every situation we come across.

I'll note here that I used to use this method as well, especially in my teenage years. He never failed to show me the truth in whatever I was going through - even when it hurt to see that truth. +Kyle said Saturday morning that he had tried it over the years as well, but that it never worked for him, and he was frustrated by that. (I have a feeling it just didn't tell him what he wanted to hear...)

So +Kyle just now tried again, and was again frustrated by it "not working". Here's what he found:

Galatians 2:4-7
And this occurred because of false brethren secretly brought in (who came in by stealth to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage), to whom we did not yield submission even for an hour, that the truth of the gospel might continue with you. But from those who seemed to be something--whatever they were, it makes no difference to me; God shows personal favoritism to no man--for those who seemed to be something added nothing to me. But on the contrary, when they saw that the gospel for the uncircumcised had been committed to me, as the gospel for the circumcised was to Peter (for He who worked effectively in Peter for the apostleship to the circumcised also worked effectively in me toward the Gentiles),

Wow. That is exactly what I have been writing about for the past hour or so. Maybe +Kyle didn't see how it applied to the situation at the time, but I hope and pray he sees how it applies now.

Do I believe myself some visionary, some leader of a new order of Christianity? God forbid. But I do believe that He has granted me a small form of insight. No, I know it. +Kyle has told me on numerous occasions that he has seen the folly in not listening to my advice. As have others. If insight, sometimes even foresight, is not a God-given talent, then the church of Christ is correct in their beliefs that we no longer receive spiritual gifts from Him. But if they're wrong about that...what else are they wrong about?

I need to be away from influences from either side. From one who says, "I love you", from one who says "I love you more", from everyone who says I shouldn't even be in this situation (gee, I hadn't figured that one out). Away from potentially false brethren.

Maybe I should have VJ E.O.D. *my* ass for 72 hours. Maybe then people would leave me alone.

I see now that this goes deeper than a marriage that I now know was based in something that it shouldn't have been. (There's an example of +Kyle telling me I was right, he didn't listen, and now look where we are. He reminded me last night something I had long forgotten. I told him when he was pressuring me that people who have sex before they're married wind up having problems later in their marriage. Damn, I hate being right about things!) He admits now that we should have not only waited 'til after we had that piece of paper, that we should have waited to get married at all.

I'm not going to pull a Brainy Smurf here, but...damn...

This goes beyond my realization that our marriage for the wrong reason, and I have wondered for many years if it was even *valid* before the eyes of God because of that. This goes beyond my own "feelings" for any one person over another. This goes beyond the fact that we have been in a situation that is both spiritually and mentally unhealthy, and now that is creeping into my physical health, and could spread to others.

This goes beyond even my thoughts that +Kyle killed me a long time ago. It was a slow death...and I let it happen, even enabled it to happen in some cases, but it doesn't change the fact that I have been dead to him for so long that it is impossible to come back without a total rebirth. I am a pile of ashes, and everyone is trying to relight me. The phoenix rises from the ashes to become more than it was before...greater than it was before. He is hanging onto a lifeless corpse and trying to resuscitate it, when what is needed is to be buried and resurrected anew.

These are the things that lead me to believe that -all- parties concerned would be better off if +Kyle and I separate for awhile. Not permanently at this point. Not so I can date around and get what I missed out on because I got married before I was ready. So I can be alone for a time, to see where it is He really wants me to be. So I can learn who He wants me to be. So +Kyle and maybe even Scooter, if he's willing, can learn who He wants them to be.

I hear the collective sucking in of pained and angry breaths from here. How dare she turn her back on her vows? It's not turning your back if you're willing to allow for the fact that it's POSSIBLE to be healed.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I can't find the reference for this quote, short of it being an old proverb.

The promises +Kyle and I made to each other were broken before they were ever made. It has caused nothing but years of pain, heartache, deceit, misunderstanding, and has been a breeding ground for resentment on both sides of the equation.

Here is just one more small part of my quandary. He seems to treat me better than he used to...so I feel obligated to stay with him. The physical abuse has lessened, although there have been a couple of shoving matches here in Oklahoma, too, but my perception has been that he has merely changed his tactics of control. He tells me that he's never meant to be controlling, but my experiences and perceptions tell me not to believe that. Trust is a very large problem between us, and has always bee, even though we didn't always realize it, and not just because I kissed Scooter. When we first moved here, I had to work a lot of late nights, learning a new job. We had a scare that first summer because my period was really late, and the first thing he did was ask me what I was *really* doing all those nights I worked late. He didn't believe me until after we got me tested and it came back negative. He has never trusted me, even though I'd never given him reason not to trust me. Perhaps that's why I made the choice I did the other night. Perhaps I decided that it didn't matter if I remained trustworthy, since +Kyle didn't trust me anyway. Maybe I just wanted to hurt him.

I had an important event a few days ago - must have been last Wednesday or Thursday. I wrote about it somewhere, but can't find where that is - probably in my email box, and that's on my currently downed system.

I knew it wasn't the right time to share it in LJ then, but I believe now is the time. I wish I had access to the raw thoughts, but for now, this will have to do:

So I was really angry at God today about all this that's been going on. I'm hurting on several sides right now. My heart hasn't been in this marriage for so long. I've known it wasn't right, but didn't know how to fix it, and because of the reasons behind it not being right, I've been afraid to ask for help. Fearing +Kyle's reaction to something like that has also been a huge deterrent.

God doesn't usually answer me when I talk to Him - He usually only comes to me when I am refusing to acknowledge Him, but I don't care, so I asked the question anyway. Mary has been on my mind a lot lately, and I've feared being in the same situation as she.

So I asked, "Is it *really* possible for You to use divorce as a way to do Your will?"

The answer, as always, was calm, assured, and I knew Who it was.

"Even death can be used to do My will."

The funny thing was that it wasn't me asking if I should just up and leave +Kyle. I don't believe that was even necessarily what He meant by that answer. I am of the belief that He is telling me that no matter what happens in this, it's for the good of everyone involved. If it means +Kyle and I stay together, and work for years to get things patched, it will be because that's what's best. If we find it healthier to be apart, then that will be what is best. We must all simply trust God that whatever happens is truly for our benefit, and because He loves us.

Maybe the answer will be something no one expects.

Nancy thanked me.. She was fixing breakfast, and just kindof stopped for a second and said, "In case I don't get another chance to tell you, thank you for being Scooter's friend. He really needs one right now."

I laughed lightly, and said there was nothing to thank me for... I've only ever done that which I'm halfway proficient at doing, and I'm not even very good at that... Besides, he has always been a wonderful friend to me. I almost said more, but chose against it.

I've alluded to some of the difficulties between me and +Kyle this weekend... She has said, not knowing everything, that I need to pray about it a lot, and follow my heart.

Good Lord that is getting to be a repetitive answer. Everyone's telling me the same thing, though... Even +Kyle did at one point. Make yourself happy. Follow your heart.

Everyone except the people I'm afraid of. My parents. The church. Etc...

I know what it is I want to do. I want to stay here. I want to be alone...no relationships...no pressure... Just to get on with life as I see fit. I have a potential plan all worked out, and it's good.

It would explain why my dreams of future events never involve +Kyle.

He will not grant me a separation. If we split up, it will be for keeps. He wants a clean break from Oklahoma...he will want the same with me. I sense that he will not want even friendship after such a departure, but I will offer it freely.

Well!

This weekend turned out quite differently than initially planned, but it was simply marvelous.

Saturday, +Kyle & I got up at 4:30. I went ahead and got dressed for the MedFaire, despite a lack of breakfast because my outfit takes so long to get into. +Kyle opted to wait until we got closer to Norman to get changed. Anyway, we met Scooter at Denny's in Ardmore at 6:00 (He was also already in-costume - a very nice Ranger outfit), had breakfast and chatted nicely for probably an hour and a half before setting forth. Nancy & Jim were meeting Promise and Jason for breakfast, too, so we saw them before we left, as well. ^_^

The drive wasn't too bad; only about an hour, and then +Kyle got dressed at a gas station. Several fairegoers passed in and out while we waited outside for him. We got to the softball field for parking right at 9:00. There were maybe a dozen or twenty other vehicles. We meandered through Reeves Park, which is absolutely huge. This faire is easily three-to-four times larger than the one in Florence...and Scooter said it was two-to-three times larger than it was when they held it at the duck pond. Lori had said it was huge, but I had no frame of reference...wow...

Somehow or another, a running joke for the day was +Kyle being French...all in a derogatory sense, of course, but also in good fun. I think it started with the frog on his sash, included the frog that holds his sword, and things just snowballed from there, especially when he affected a French accent.

Let me tell on myself for a moment: one of the earliest places we stopped in at was an art booth. The vendor said to me, "Those aren't the two you were in here with yesterday." I just stared blankly for a minute and said, "Excuse me?" My mind was running through how he couldn't have possibly seen me here with or without anyone yesterday, as I was at work. Eventually, it registered, and I *facepalmed*, laughing, and walked out of the tent, shaking my head. The guy just goes, "Oh good, she got it!" and we all laughed. Oh, that was bad.

One girl was running around with a basket of eternal roses. These were really gorgeous - even more real-shaped than the one I have. +Kyle asked if I would like another, and while that would have been nice, it wasn't a big deal, so I just said 'maybe' and we went off. If I ever see anymore like these, definitely...but right now just isn't a good time.

Many people of course were in costume, and there were some very impressive ones, including an Ent and Dryad (both with amazing body sculpture), a mime-type fellow called "Toy", who winds himself and moves "mechanically". +Kyle posed with him. ^_^ There were gypsies, belly-dancers, pirate-types, and many obligatory faeries. Some of the more interesting ones we saw were a dark rogue-type fellow on long stilts. Scooter chased after a black fae with dreadlocks and tattered wings...he did get her picture. We all chased another guy who had some incredible angel wings. They looked like they moved (similarly to how I want the batwings to move), and upon stopping him and his lady, found that they were. He gave us a demonstration, and let us look at the mechanism (what we could see of it), and provided his email address so I can contact him about more information. He said he builds them, but I'd just like to ask some questions...rather build them myself. Let's see...there was a beggar who went around dipping his fingers into a stein of some kind of gruel, then eating it messily before belching in a most obnoxious fashion. He'd stand there afterward and say, "Who did that?" or something else similar. Oh! There was a slaver; he'll slap a set of manacles on you and drag you around for a few minutes, heckling your friends to find a replacement before letting you go. Fortune smiled on us, and we escaped capture in the first place. Some of the more disturbing folk we saw were a man in an orange dress, dress shoes and some ring-shaped monk-type hat thing. Having only seen him from a distance, I insisted he must be some kind of monk, but upon closer inspection, we all decided that no...he was probably just a queen. Scooter saw another fellow wearing basically only pink tights. Neither +Kyle nor I ever saw him, but our good friend seems scarred for life by the sight.

There is a neat carousel that these two guys cranked by hand. Eight or ten hammock-type seats hung from overhead. A person could lounge in one, and the cranked device would swing them around in a circle, then the guys would spin the hammocks themselves, causing the children to scream. It was most entertaining.

What would a Medieval Faire be without a live chess game? This one was choreographed very well, and the story was pretty good - King Arthur's Court against another court, of whose name I can't recall. Morgan and her sisters were key players. The game ended in more of an all-out brawl between the two teams, but it was still cool.

There was also a booth with birds: two falcons and an owl. For $5, one could get their picture taken with said bird. We took pictures of just the birds for free. :P

We passed by a strength test booth - you know, ring the bell by hitting the post with a sledge hammer? Well, this was more of an Orcish wooden mallet, really. Anyway, my company challenged each other to see who could actually do it. Neither one did, although Scooter only missed the bell by perhaps two inches on his second try. The fellow running the booth heckled them both madly over it. I got pictures, of course...hope they turn out!

We stopped around 1:00 or so for lunch - turkey legs and McGilly's fine beverages of sarsparilla and cream soda. They've come up with a nifty bag to carry the bottles in. It's a disc of leather, slit in such a way that it unfolds down into a mesh-like pouch.

Lunch was good, if rather messy. That is an awful lot of meat for one sitting, but we all picked the bones clean. I have been deemed both a 'prissy' and 'dainty' elven lass. Prissy, because I really didn't care for turkey juice running down my arm while I tried to eat... Dainty? Not sure where that one came from...but it's cute. ^_^

We walked around for another several hours. Scooter saw three or four people he knew, having lived in Norman throughout high school and for several years after that.

Of course, there were many armourers there, but one tent stood out in particular. The piece that caught my eye was a stunning leather set with enormous batwings coming out from behind it. They didn't move, but the leatherwork was incredible. They're quite like what I'm interested in. I took several pictures of these guys' work. Gamegod will absolutely love this particular one.

We went back to the pavilion area on our second time around, and sat at a concrete picnic table this time. We were all starting to pink up a bit by this time. I could feel the heat coming off my skin by 11:00, so I knew I was in trouble early on, but of course you never see it until hours later. SUNSCREEN! Remember it next time!

We set up the timer on our cameras and got some pictures together later in the afternoon. I'm not sure that the timer on our camera worked, so hopefully Scooter's came out well. It's a nice digi, so I'm sure it will. I really wish I'd taken about a million more pictures at the faire... Maybe we can come back next summer.

It would be really cool to come to that (maybe even hit the gun show first, if +Kyle wanted to), then come down to Madill for maybe a week, visit everyone at work, VJ and Brian, and then go down to Scarborough Faire before heading back...assuming it was within that same time frame, which I think it is. I will guarantee that if I ever even *mention* the possibility of coming to visit, there are at least half a dozen households who'd invite us stay with them rather than get a hotel. Lori, Edith & Dale, VJ & Brian, Jim & Nancy, Mark & Sherry, and probably even Jay & Doris or Marsha & her husband, although we're not as close with them as some of the others.

Around 5:30, we decided it was about time to think about going, and besides, we were quite tired from walking around in thin-soled moccasins all day...we had a movie to catch, and wanted to grab a bite beforehand, and we had to think about changing, since we were planning to go clubbing after the movie let out.

First, Scooter stopped by a liquor store called Hob Nob Rob's to get some hard-to-find stuff for his birthday party Saturday. They were out of honey mead, so he was mildly disappointed.

So we ran to Wal-Mart...+Kyle needed socks anyway...and got changed. I took the longest this time, having to fight with my domme boots for about 10 minutes, trying to get my jeans tucked in AND get the boots to zip up...the bells on these jeans are just a bit bigger than on my Old Navy jeans, so it took some doing. +Kyle went for socks, and Scooter wanted to find a better shirt for clubbing in, but couldn't find anything he liked.

We went to the theatre next and procured tix for the 7:40 showing of Hellboy. Muahaha...

So we went to the mall for awhile and tried to decide what to have for dinner. Joe's Crab Shack was mentioned, but the drive was prohibitive due to time, so we just bummed around part of the mall.

There was a nifty hobby shop, similar to the one at the Target center in Huntsville. They had a fantastic setup in the back, filled with all manner of old aviation gear - flightsuits...the ejector seat from a plane...helmets...the thing that they set the trig for dropping bombs with (can't remember the name of it at the moment)...old patches from flight groups... There were other pieces of miscellany, and I wished I'd brought the camera. Dad would love it.

There was a Hot Topic, so of course we had to go in there. They still didn't have any good club shirts for guys, but I saw about a dozen things I'd probably have gotten. :P I was wearing my "I'd be goth, but I can't afford to shop at Hot Topic" shirt...one of the sales people walked up to me and said, "You know we're having a sale today, right?" LOL! I'm sure he was just doing his job, but it was funny nonetheless.

I think I've realized the tattoo problem. I want one, but don't like the idea of the permanence of it. I've considered the airbrushed type, and could probably learn to do that fairly easily, so I'd like to give that a try before too long. But there's Henna, as well. They're still rather popular, and Hot Topic carries a starter kit for about $20. I'd like to get one fairly soon (sadly not 'til after we move) and see how I like it. *ponders* Birthday, maybe? Hmm... :P

We went to the arcade, too. +Kyle played some flight combat game, I think, but I can't remember what it was called. He also tried out a sword-fighting game where you sand on this platform, and there's a motion-sensitive stick, so you actually have to swing, defend, etc. to play. It was really keen. Kinda cheesy, graphically, but a great concept, and the technology seemed fairly sound. Scooter played some driving sim that had good graphics, but he didn't like the controls. We all played Star Wars pod racing. This unit wasn't as nice as the one in Huntsville - you couldn't sit back as far, for one thing, and the screen was small...but it was still pod racing! +Kyle did the best at it, of course. They also had an original Galaga machine, so the guys both played it once just so we'd use the last two tokens.

On our way out, we watched a guy doing DDR. He was absolutely incredible...moved like lightning. He did a combo of 120, and then another one of 108, I believe, and that was just in the couple of minutes we watched him. We were amused to note that the arcade had placed a bench behind the game unit...to accommodate the line of people always waiting to play. Yes indeed, that will be the next game we get for PS2. I need to start doing aerobics and build up stamina anyway...may as well do it to good music. ^_^

About this time, we decided it would be good to get food and get back to the theatre, so we went to Chik-Fil-A and obtained edibles. We got to the theatre plenty early. There are soooo many good films coming up this year! Van Helsing...Troy...King Arthur...Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban...I, Robot... We only saw a few of those trailers this time, but oh yeah... It's going to be a good year for movies...

Anyway, Hellboy... ( snipped in case of potential spoilers )

So after the movie, we decided what to do next. My burn was starting to hurt pretty badly during the movie, but I fortunately remembered that there was toothpaste in the car...that helped somewhat, but it was rather conspicuous, and I got it all over my shirt in the process. LOL Ah well... I was still good for clubbing or whatever all night, but Scooter mentioned thinking about going back toward McBride instead of staying overnight in the City. +Kyle had already decided that we weren't going to be staying overnight, either, so we went back to Jim & Nancy's house to watch movies and play pool instead.

But first, the obligatory coffee stop after an evening out. (It must be a law out here.) We went to IHOP and sat just talking for probably two hours or better. We talked about everything from the movie to storm chasing to being overly paranoid to bugging out when everything eventually hits the fan, as +Kyle predicts it will within the next 10 years. It was really a wonderful fellowship. Our waitress, Florence, was super, ultra-friendly, and kept an eye on us all night. She was an absolute doll. +Kyle had three cups of coffee. I had four. Bear in mind that I had been off caffeine totally for a week at this point, so not only was I excited from just being in party mode, I was jittery from being utterly doped up. But, I got really cold when we went outside after, so I put on my velvet shirt to warm up. This was a good idea for the burn, too.

We stopped by our house first to check on Washu and leave our costumery at the house, since the cab was absolutely *packed*. The mutt was fine, but excited to see us, and didn't want to get in her cage when we were ready to leave.

So, on to the house... Jim and Jason were up talking when we got there about 2:30 (actually 3:30 with the time change), and we stood around for awhile, then decided to pop in Sleepy Hollow. Poor +Kyle really was getting tired by this time, and nodded off when Ichabod was attempting to ride a horse, and it wouldn't go where he wanted it to. S seemed rather amused by the movie, but figured most of the ending out fairly early on. Meh! :P

When it was over, neither of us was very tired, so we just sat up chatting about Johnny Depp movies (Pirates!!), which led to Disney World, and then things must have kindof deteriorated, because I don't remember much else. I guess I was more tired than I realized. I went and laid down on some bed around 6:30, but only slept about an hour. Came back into the game room and found the guys asleep on either end of the reclining couch. LOL! It was pretty cute. I should have taken a picture, but it probably would have woken them up.

I heard life upstairs, so I went up to visit with whoever was up. It was Jim. We sat outside on the kitchen balcony and talked about all kinds of things. He's from Colorado, and told me about the Red Mountain Pass (I think is what he called it), that's a 1000 ft. sheer drop, and he's seen it completely full from avalanches and regular snowfall. He told me about one year where a guy cleaning the roads had an avalanche fall on him; it swept him into the ravine, and they had to wait until July or August before all the snow melted and they could retrieve his body.

We laughed about how people in the south freak out over two inches of snow, and suddenly everyone needs snow tires and chains, and bread and milk are the first things to go. He said there's no such thing as snow days where he's from - they have hunting days, but because they take care of their roads, there's no need to close school over inclement weather.

He also talked about building his workshop and laying stone for Nancy's patio soon. I guess we sat for about an hour, then he had to go to Kingston to pick up a trench digger to lay the electrical and plumbing lines for the shop. He's hoping to have it mostly completed by next week.

I went downstairs and dug out my sketchpad to work on The Pearl Hotel series for awhile.

Much more to come...but I have only so much downtime to write...

April 04 10:50 pm

Yesterday's mail brought a very special gift from my beloved Andrea. For the sake of sharing beauty, (and the fact that it brings tears to my eyes) I asked if I could include it in my journal, and she obliged.

March 15, 2004
Dearest Ariel,

I know it's been forever since I've actually written a "real" letter to you, but I wanted this to be something more tangible than words on a computer screen.

You do have a gift for loving, listening, and "just" Being there. If you were not in my life, there would be much missing. You make me smile & laugh & always have. I can talk to you about things I can't talk to anyone else about. I know without a doubt, you will never judge me unfairly. My soul delights in your creative works - your poems, art, drawings - as things of great beauty.

You bring out the best in me. Knowing you has helped me to reach out of my comfort zone & try new things, helped give me the courage to stand up to my parents & marry Tim, the love of my life.

Your friendship, caring, listening, encouragement - I don't have words to tell you how much they mean to me. In your dark valleys you are going through, you do have strength. The comparison to a diamond for you is very accurate - a diamond has to go through great, unbelievable pressure to become the brilliant, strong stone. I am glad for your sake that I have been struggling with depression because I can empathize with you now. Many of the statements you've made about yourself ring true with what I think in my mind about myself many times. I have a very difficult time asking for help - that is something Tim has had to deal with the whole time we've been married, and especially so since Seamus was born.

There are moments of happiness in my life of late, more and more so. One night I was tired & went to bed early, wasn't quite asleep & Tim called me from the nursery. Shay was standing up in his crib, holding onto the rail, all by himself. It was so cute & I took him out and gave him a big hug. He started wanting to play & he blew raspeberries on my arm & shoulders & was just laughing & giggling! That was the first time I had really felt any joy in many months, & there have been several such times since then.

Yours will come too, in their own way & time. God is there & does love you so much He died for you.

I am, in all my imperfect humanness, here for you, too. I love you & cherish our friendship for the priceless gift it is.

Your friend forever & your sister in Christ,

Andrea

*cry*