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[personal profile] lsdiamond

Comments off. I would strongly recommend against emailing me, calling me, or anything else right now. I'm really rather not interested in hearing your beliefs or how right or wrong I am. Just leave me the hell alone. Figure it out, people. Leave me alone.

Everything in this letter, +Kyle and I have already discussed over the past few days. It was written before we talked, but I chose to speak with him before sharing it with whoever wanted inside my head.

I really don't know what to call you right now... God?...Lord?...that's not really fair, since I'm not particularly interested in your being that at the moment...Rock? Salvation? Whatever... You know how I feel toward you right now, and that's really all that matters. I'm sure I will soften a bit before finishing this letter, but for now...I'm just angry and hurt.

You're doing it *again*. You gave me some wonderful people to enjoy for a little while, and now it seems you're taking them away from me. You're breaking me again. Breaking my spirit. Breaking my will. You know I'm tired, yet you keep pressing me, pushing me. Free will? Yeah right. You know that I can't stop caring what people think of me and the decisions I make. That's why you put me in a family who loves me and wants what's best. I know that's why they're pushing their beliefs on me right now. Doesn't make it hurt any less. Doesn't mean I share in all of those beliefs. It doesn't even mean that all of their beliefs are right, although I know they are shared with good intent. I know for a fact that you give far more liberty (and grace and forgiveness) than the church does. I'd make a political comparison here, but that's beside the point.

Even +Kyle admits that I have legitimate reason to leave him, even though many of those reasons are old and he has changed over the years. He said that he has scarred me so deeply that I may never fully recover. I know that you have power to change that...but I don't know if I want that change, at least not right now. I'm so, so, so tired of doing "the right thing". I want to be happy. When was the last time you let me be that? Have I ever been? I can't remember anymore. I look back at my life, and it's small good times with friends surrounded by loss and trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces of whatever piece of life I've dropped this time. I'm not very good with life, you may remember.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase...

I'm not blind, you know. I know what it is you're doing. You're testing my mettle yet again. You're putting me through the fire yet again, skimming off more impurities. You're crushing me under incredible weight, making me a little harder. I know that you're doing this so I am forced to rely on you again, or otherwise despair alone. But you know I've thought for many years that maybe being alone isn't such a bad idea.

I'm sick of being lied to. Everyone, even +Kyle, tells me that everyone has a right - given by YOU, no less - to happiness. Yet when you show me something that *gives* me happiness...without strings attached...without asking anything in return...out of nothing more than a pure desire to put a smile on my expect me to *remain* happy when you tell me, "Ah, ah, still have a job to finish." Yeah, that's happening.

Well, someone tells me this happiness is just "a buzz", anyway. A high. I don't believe that. I'm the one who feels it. I know what it's like. Maybe it's true, but it's still better than this. I think it's really funny that everyone all of a sudden says I'm sick and I'm not myself. I have never been myself. I have hidden myself for years, to the point where I even forgot who that person was.

I am ONLY even speaking to you because you haven't completely taken this away from me...yet. You can bet I'm still waiting. I'm grateful for the grace you're showing me in letting me keep him as a friend. I
still don't believe a kiss is cheating. That's something +Kyle and I never discussed, in our admitted arrogance, and yes, I thought he'd probably feel that way about it, but as I've admitted, I weakly gave in
to temptation. I made a bad decision, and it cost what little trust +Kyle may have still had in me. (Not that he ever has trusted me...I've always been "a liar", amongst other choice names over the years. Remember when we thought I might be pregnant? I really should have left over that debacle.) I recognize my fault in this, admit it, repent of it, and have been forgiven (at least by you) for it.

You showed me what unconditional love is *supposed* to be like. Why wouldn't I want to hold onto that, when I've never experienced it before? Our marriage wasn't based in communication, or love, or even happiness. "It is better to marry than to burn," right? It was all about one primal urge, and that's been the deepest seed of resentment since BEFORE day one.

We got married for the wrong reasons. Yes, we prayed and hoped and wished and begged and studied and looked for every little possible sign we could think of to go ahead and do so...but when all was said and done, it was only so he could get laid, and because I was afraid no one else would ever want me. You remember, we didn't even wait 'til we had that piece of paper (even though it was vitally important to me to have - I caved to his constant barrage of "We may as well - we're practically married, anyway".) His sin was pushing me so hard into it. My sin was not standing up for what I believed. I have regretted that act, and the ensuing marriage ever since.

But, I've tried to be 'the good Christian wife'... I've stood by him in sickness and health, for better or worse, in good times and in bad, and for richer or silence and in screaming...for scoffing and for compliments...for shoving and for holding... I've sacrificed much for *his* *happiness*. He even admits that the most he's ever sacrificed for me was a trip to Tulsa and being willing to give up the dog - things he only sacrificed recently for fear of losing me. Losing his control over me. He makes sacrifices when it's going to reflect on or affect him directly.

I know you're breaking him, too...frankly, that doesn't make me feel any better, because now he's dragging me along with him as usual. More, he's trying to push me back into you just because he wants to take up the reins he's ignored for so long. The reins I begged him to pick up for years. Now that he is, I'm not ready, and he doesn't care that I am not ready for that right now. He's still afraid to let go. Maybe more now than before, since he "can't trust me". Not that he ever has. The leash is much shorter now, but it's always been there.

I know that you're trying to show me that people can and do change. I see it. But you have to understand that my experiences make it very hard for *me* to let go, too. For all the
strength that people say they see in me, I am weak in this light, and even more than that, I'm weary of trying. I'm angered by the fact that he CLAIMS to want to change for me, because right now, I'm not willing to change for him. I know that's unloving. I know it's not "right". But it doesn't change the way I feel right now. It also doesn't change the fact that I see daggers in his every action. He says, "I love you," but his actions have never spoken it. Never. Before we even married, I was afraid he would rape me at least once. I knew that wasn't love, then, but my fear of rejection won out. We had fun when we were dating. THAT was a buzz. We talked for ages, and thought we knew each other, but looking back, we can both admit that we never communicated. We have never understood each other.

I understand his upset at the fact that now I have some small idea of the things he could do to change "for me", but I'm so hurt, so scared, and so pained that I see only him saying, "I forgive you," and not meaning it. He says he is willing to give me a break, yet continues to ask for sex, for me to come to bed. He tells me he agrees to let me initiate conversation,
yet bombards me with questions for which I have no answers. He tells me this is for me, for us, but then reverts back to questions of "what about me?" I recognize my own selfishness in this matter, but I am not blind to his.

He tries to pin this situation on others...Lori and VJ, specifically. He tries to pin it on me wanting my way and not getting it. I see it as another issue of control. When I once told him I'd like to get a tattoo, he did not calmly say, "Why?" or "That might be interesting, but have you thought of something less permanent?" He said no. Flat out no. Why did he say no? Because "your body is mine, and I said so." That "ownership" thing really pisses me off, but what upsets me more is the fact that he didn't care about why I wanted one in the first place. Just no.

He's tried to pin it on my current style of dress. He doesn't like it, so he demands that I stop. When that doesn't work, he'll be calm for a little while, until I explain that I just enjoy it, that it's a vice. He only stops whining about it when I cave into his desires. There is no compromise on even PETTY things in our relationship. It is and must always be HIS way.

"All ways here are MY ways..."
- Red Queen, Alice in Wonderland

Yet he says it's all for me...what's best for me... I wish I believed that, but I just don't. Experience tells me not to.

How can he know what's best for me when he hasn't even cared enough to know who I am? As long as I was what he wanted, he was happy. When I changed to someone that pleased me (losing weight, finding a comfortable style of dress, etc.), he felt that loss of control, and now he feels it slipping further away, so he's grasping for dear life. I perceive that he is so terrified of losing me that he would STILL DEMAND I STAY even if I *had* slept with anyone else. Upon asking later, I've found that no, he would just have given the 10 o'clock news a lovely 3-way murder-suicide story. So I did get at least one thing wrong.

He doesn't see the things he's done as controlling because I have never really told him how I felt about many issues. That was that vicious cycle I was talking about. "A good Christian wife" makes her man happy. If I voiced an opinion that was different from his, it would not make him happy. I felt like a mom caving to her bratty child, but I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I recognize my own fault at not speaking up, especially after Peggy telling me how strong-willed he is. But I honestly thought I was doing "the right thing."

Brat. Selfish, lazy, childish, unforgiving brat. Is it scoffing if you are telling the truth? I suppose he'd call me a selfish, unloving, hateful whore at the very least, if that were the case. I doubt either of us would agree with the others' assessment. But truth
is truth, I suppose.

Do you remember what his excuse for not getting a job throughout school was? "I want to spend more time with you." and "I have so many credit hours already." I foolishly enabled him by cutting back on things we both wanted. More sacrifices. We didn't even have heat or hot water that first winter out here. He could have provided that and chose not to.

That said, do you remember what he did with that time? Sat in front of the computer or the PS2. Got a dog to play with (which I again foolishly allowed, not REALLY wanting her...caving to his whims). When I told him I felt like I was jealous of her, that he spent more time with her than with me, he said that wasn't true, and I talked myself into believing that I was just being unreasonable with her.

Oh yeah, sometimes we went out. Caught the very occasional movie, or went out to dinner if I had a shop. I managed to sneak in a form of separate job just so we could have some fun money, and go out occasionally if you recall. He didn't want me to work another job, saying I was already doing too much. I have believed that he actually meant that it would only reflect more poorly on him than my working 40+ hours a week already did.

Am I being selfish or egotistical by realizing the enormity of what I have done for him versus the enormity of his ignoring me? I really hope not, because these are aspects I hadn't even THOUGHT of until this moment.

I'm tired, God. I'm weary of staying with him just because it's what my family says is "the right thing to do", or because it makes +Kyle happy, or because it would break Peggy's heart if I ever left him, or because the church will shun me as it has my aunt and so many others who needed forgiveness and LOVE, and grace. and to be shown how to pick up the pieces and move on. This entire marriage, I have tried to do the right thing, and have exhorted him to do the
same...and now that he actually claims to want to, I don't care anymore. I have some level of love for +Kyle as a human being...but I do not love him, save in my actions toward him. Even seeing him cry does not break my heart. The thought of losing him even to death does not cause me grief, save concern for his soul. I do not love him completely. That is my sin, and I freely admit it, for there is no use denying the truth.

I ask you again, as I have so many times throughout the years...when is it my turn to be happy? "Heaven will surely be worth it all" isn't enough for me anymore. I feel like a little kid, wanting some toy in the store, and being told, "No; you don't play with the toys you have now." I'm doing my utmost to not throw a hissy fit over this, because I know it's no
use, and would be childish, selfish and foolish of me to do so. But still, honestly, I ask, what is wrong with just wanting to be...happy... I've tried to settle for contentment, but that, too, has been out of my grasp for so long that I don't see it as a possibility. Not with +Kyle, anyway. I will be better off alone than being slowly drowned by this stone around my neck. I will be better off serving you as Paul did than by hold onto an emotional drain, as he knows he is.

I've asked for a reprieve...for a break with +Kyle, and have been granted it in name, but his actions still speak that he is afraid of losing control of me. There are kinks to work out in our current arrangement. Kinks??? We need a signed, witnessed contract if I'm going to stay under the same roof with him.

Like it or not, I am still acting as the head of the household, and have already had to pull that rank again within the last couple of days. I can't keep being his mother, and making a transition between where we are and where we "need to be" is going to be exceptionally difficult, if not impossible, especially for me, and especially right now. I don't know how willing or even capable I am to go through with that.

I really, truly, want to be alone. Growing up, I always knew I would be happier and better off not tied down in a relationship. I forgot that in the excitement of knowing that someone *said* I was worth spending the rest of their life with. I ignored the things that told me EVEN THEN that this was a bad idea, for the sake of lust. I regret that decision. I have for a long, long time. I believe I always will, because I too have a hard time letting go of my past faults and forgiving myself.

Speaking of being alone, I should thank you for making sure my computer is currently incapacitated. You know my tendancy to run into the (figurative) arms of whoever seems most willing and able to help me when I'm in trouble, so you're forcing me to come to you instead. My will is strong enough to not do so, after Mary Anne's advice...especially now that my character is tarnished, anyway. Pity I didn't speak with her *before* making that choice. I'm able and willing to not rely on my tomodachi for emotional support. I'd really like to get it up and running again today, so please let me get things copied so I can format and
start over.

Gee, if that isn't a good analogy of the current situation, I don't know what is.

So here is the current plan:
Kyle has one job right now - finish school. That's it. If he blows this, it's over, no questions asked. He has failed me too many times. This is my last straw, and he knows it. Right or wrong, the past two years will have been an utter waste if he fails or gives up now. It will have been an utter waste for the work he has put into it, and an utter waste for the sacrifices I have made for HIS HAPPINESS. He has an incentive, although he recognizes it is not a sure thing. The one sure thing is that *I am gone* if he does not graduate and get that certification.

Next will come the finding of work. Since December, +Kyle has ignored my exhortations (I REALLY avoided just nagging him about this) to keep in touch with the fellow in Cowan, Tennessee, and ensure that he have at least a chance at that job come May. He disregarded
the possibility that God was speaking DIRECTLY TO HIM THROUGH ME, choosing instead to go on blind faith. Faith without works is dead, and well, he doesn't have a job lined up now, does he? I took the risk of losing my job, or at least getting a SEVERE reprimand so he could apply for that position, and he threw that away, too. I fully believe that provisions would have been made for that position, had he but listened.

I will not leave Oklahoma unless he has a job lined up. Period. Be it two days or two months, my feet are planted. For the sake of brutal honesty, I don't know that I will be ready/willing to leave with him when he does find that work. But we will cross that bridge when we get to it, and I am not looking beyond that at this point.

Frankly, at this point, I feel incapable of leaving the state, simply for the fact that I am already teetering on an edge, and could fall off and shatter at any moment. +Kyle has agreed to this. I am not mentally strong enough right now to make another huge move.

+Kyle is understandably upset at my friends' willingness to help me get away for an evening. "Friends don't help friends break up marriages," quoth he. Perhaps that is true. But friends DO help friends when they believe their lives are in danger. VJ helped me move my things out of the house. Lori opened her home to me. But he forgets that the one thing I asked of God before even making the decision to leave was whether or not doing so THAT DAY and in the way I chose would be what is best for both +Kyle AND me in the long run. I asked for four different signs to be absolutely certain I was doing the right thing in making a point. I still firmly believe that those fulfilled events were from Him. I believe the resulting events, though extremely painful, are for a higher purpose. What that purpose is at this point, I can't say.

My limited foresight either sees this as, or maybe just wishes it to be a way for +Kyle (and well, all of us) to learn and to grow as he should. My heart is hardened, and my soul is bitter. It can be healed, but only when/if I am willing to let you help me. That may be some time, and I trust you will give it to me, even if no one else wants to. +Kyle may have to learn to live without me at least for awhile. I wish that he would be willing to do so. I have always said that I am not worth him placing his faith in, or putting me on such a pedestal...that he must find something higher. One day I will be gone, and if he truly has nothing further to live for when that day comes, mine will have been a wasted life, as well as his. Now he understands that this same burden is placed on me from another as well. If all of this is the way to lead them both closer to something higher - you, then so be it: I will definitely allow myself to be used in that work.

January 2012

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