GothGeek's Musings

One of my oldest and dearest friends called me last night. I had to go back in to work late, and Jon mentioned that she had called, so we got back in touch.

She's been going to a counselor a couple of times lately, and says it's really helping her. She suggests I try to find our local state-run organization and see about getting some help. It's not a bad idea, really...her appointments only run around $20, and her husband makes twice what I do. She sees I'm at a point where I at the very least need some outside help, and more than what friends, family, or church family can do. I inferred that perhaps it wouldn't hurt for some marriage counseling, too, but she didn't actually say that.

She reminded me that I am in a place right now where I'm seeing things through dark, distorted glasses. It's hard to think straight enough to make important decisions when you can't really see, so I/we should wait until I/we have a network of support again to make any real "plans". I'm not even sure what any of those plans might be, suffice it to say the "D" word has been thrown around in anger in recent months, so I don't know. I've never seriously considered it, and don't think +Kyle has, really...just letting annoyances become greater than they really are, perhaps.

She caught up with my LJ, and admitted that she's never known +Kyle well enough to say whether or not she liked him or even thought very well of him. They've only met the one time when we all had dinner at Applebee's, because she and Tim were driving through the area and stopped to say hi. Same with me and Tim, but I can tell he's good for her.

She sees he's trying, and knows I see it, too, but reminded me anyway, because she's a good friend. She says that what we are going through right now, being where we are, in the situation we're in, and on top of that, what *I'm* going through right now, that he's still here beside me speaks volumes. He's a good man. She knows my decision to stay with him was made a long time ago, but said maybe sometimes it's necessary to remake that decision daily. It's easier knowing that he's not going to blow up at me over some little nothing...that he's not going to automatically assume the worst about things that come up. Or at least that he'll try. I have to be grateful for that. I'm not *as* afraid as I used to be...things are getting better.

She also said that she's been going through the same thing with Tim...the whole lack of feelings thing, but reiterated my thoughts on showing love through actions. She said that the fact that I had done so much to help him get through school, moving out here, etc. prove that I do still love +Kyle. She said that the lack of emotion does not necessarily reflect on him or me, but perhaps more largely on my current state of mind, being in something of a depression. She's been on Paxil a long time, and it's taking its sweet time to wear off, and I got that she blames her lack of feelings for Tim on that, at least partially. I don't know where either of us was going with this, but it seemed to make sense when she was talking about it.

For as long as we've been friends, and as well as she's always read me, she never knew I was so depressed when we were teens. I always had a joke, always made her laugh. I seemed "a jolly person". I guess I really didn't talk about it with her, and now I wonder why. I wonder how many people *really* knew, or really didn't know. It makes me wonder what people would have said if I ever really had gotten those sleeping pills or shredded my arms in the tub one day while everyone was out of the house. I had other ideas, too, but those were the easiest and generally surest...methods. Of course, there was the bus ticket, too, but I never took that offer, either.

I told her about what had gone on in that time. She says I'm too hard on myself, that no one could be as strong as I had to be for so long without it affecting them negatively. I guess in my mind I know she's right, but at the same time, I still feel that guilt. Like I could have done more. Like I could have held on.

She also mentioned having dreamed about me within the past couple of days. She couldn't remember most of it, save that my arms were covered in a network of criss-crossing scars...the diamond being on my upper left arm, on the outside. I'd be very interested to know what exactly she did dream, but she was more relieved to learn that the scar in question is actually on the inside of my right arm.

She told me what it seems everyone is telling me lately. "I love you, and you mean so much to me. You've always been one of the most important people I've known." I got a little exasperated, (sorry, sis!) to be honest, and asked why people kept insisting on telling me this. "You need to hear it." Maybe. She told me to expect a rather mushy letter in the post in the next few days, so I am now insatiably curious as to what she's on about. :P Thanks, Andrea. LOL!

She gave me much food for thought, as always, and said she's been praying for me almost constantly over the past few days. I thanked her, saying that was probably what I need more than anything.

I laughed more than I have in weeks. Months, probably, if you don't count Christmas. Thinking back, it was all smalltalk, me making cracks at things she said, and both of us recalling fond memories, like the day we met at the library... But it felt good to be that happy again, even for a few minutes.

It's going to be wonderful being home. She and Tim are in South Carolina now, so maybe we'll actually be able to get together. Visit her on our way to see Peggy, or meet in Atlanta, or something.

I love you, Andrea. Thank you for being you, and a better friend than I could ever ask.