Fallen

Mar. 25th, 2004 12:44 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
[personal profile] lsdiamond


Yeah, so I opened up my scar today. +Kyle asked yesterday if I had cut anymore since last time, and I said no, despite wanting to. He was glad I hadn't. That's actually not why I did it today, though I don't expect anyone to believe me when I say that. It's not out of rebellion. I just wanted to feel something else today, and see it again. I figure some of you will be upset over it, but oh well.


Yes, I took care of it. It's sterile. I don't care to cause any diseases or go so deep that there are serious problems. I didn't even let it bleed very long this time.


He still doesn't get it. "You know it doesn't help anything," he says.

"No, but you don't notice that it doesn't help anything. It feels like it helps."

He asked if I'd read Gamegod's blog lately. Yes. And I understand. I understand that feeling of being cornered....trapped... How well I understand that feeling! I understand why we do it. I remember a lot about those days when he was going through all that. We kids were young and probably didn't know or understand what was going on behind the scenes...We just knew Gamegod was having a hard time, and he was working to make it better, and he was the coolest guy we ever knew.

~~~~~

Last night was incredibly frustrating.+Kyle just wants to know what's wrong; he just wants to help. He's just trying to do what he's supposed to do. I understand this. I even appreciate it. But when I tell him what's wrong, and it seems like all he wants to do is fix me immediately, that doesn't help. I'm not broken. I'm just between a rock and a hard place. He's trying to win me back and I haven't wanted that in a very long time. I'm there for him, and now that he wants to be there for me, I don't know how to handle it. I wanted him to give up like he always used to do.

He wanted to know what was on my mind. "Moving," I said. "I'm not ready for it."

Already exasperated by this response, he asked, "Why? You've been ready to leave for so long."

I tried. I really tried to explain. I have friends here. I've gotten close to people again. I don't really like Oklahoma, but I don't want to leave, because I am finally in a comfort zone. It took nearly two years, but here I am. Moving again is going to be another adjustment. I don't want to make that change. It's scary. It's going to hurt. It's not going to be the same being "home" with everyone. We're all different people now.

So what does he do? He blames me for getting too close to people. Then he tells me I don't really want to get as close to people as I think, because I don't know everyone's favorite color or their birthday. (I am grossly exaggerating and I know it, although those were things he mentioned.) He goes on about how we're 'familiar' with people, but we never really know them, because sometimes something comes out of left field, and we go, 'I thought I knew that person'.

I can't remember what he asked me then, but my answer threw him. "What's the matter? Thought you knew me?"

He kept going on about "my" family. I corrected him over and over, "our" family. He wouldn't let it go, and neither would I. Eventually, he said, "I love your family. I like spending time with them. I know they love me."

I got really fed up at that. "You don't love our family. If you did, you would claim them as your own as they've claimed you. You don't even care enough about them to let them get to know the real you. You're too busy being wrapped up in your little shell." I said some other things, but I can't remember what they were. I could have gone on about how all he ever really cares about is being right, but that would have just been another change of subject.

"Maybe so." I forget what else he said. I was too pissed off, even though his answers were quiet and gentle. This time I know I'm right, and I think he knows I'm right, but he won't admit it...because all he cares about is being right, himself.

You know, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be righteous. We should all strive for that. But to blindly say, "I'm right because I've made up my mind about something"? That's the kind of thing that really angers him when dealing with people, yet he can't or doesn't see that it's exactly what he does.

~~~~~

So I got quiet, and he asked what was wrong now. "Just everything. I don't like where I am right now."

"Emotionally? Spiritually?"

"Everything."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I think I said there wouldn't be any point to it. I don't even remember my response.

~~~~~

"Do you have pictures of all your friends yet?"

"No. I haven't seen everyone yet. I haven't seen Joanna or Micah. I haven't seen any of your friends, but I can do that when they have their get-together at the end of school."

"You want pictures of the people I associate with?"

"Why not? They were a part of my life, too."

Coldly, he said, "Take your camera around with you. Get pictures of all your friends now, because in six weeks, we're going to be leaving.

Really.

~~~~~

Somewhere the idea of happiness came into play. Don't know what he said, but I told him that wasn't what I have. My job is to make people happy. That doesn't necessarily mean I get to be happy, too.

So he starts in on me about me having a whinefest and held me down when I tried to move.

"That's not even what this is about. I'm not whining." He kept interrupting me, and went on this "oh, poor pitiful me" kick. Fine. Whatever. You've made up your mind, and you're right, as usual.

"Don't you even give me that **** right now. I'm not complaining. I'm stating facts. Since you're so obsessed with finding facts. This is the way it is."

He said something about no one being deprived of happiness, and kept holding me way too tightly for comfort, squeezing more whenever I tried to move. I never said people were *deprived* of happiness - just that I didn't have that right now. But he wouldn't know that, because he wouldn't let me speak.

"Would you please let me go so I can get comfortable???"

He did. But did he get what I was saying? I doubt it. He's too busy being "right" about me whining. Am I whining? Hell, I don't even know anymore. I just call it like I see it. I have a job in this life, and that's to please others. Make them happy. Help them as I'm able.

More than anything now, it's my job to stay with +Kyle and make him happy. It's the last thing on earth I want to do. My heart isn't in it, yet I'm compelled. Yes, I love my husband. Unconditionally, even. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here now. I'd have left years ago when he *didn't* treat me as well as he does now, and has for some time.


Truly, I don't understand my own resistance to this. I don't know why I want for him to have given up on this like he's given up (or tried to give up) on so many other things. So many jobs he left because he wasn't happy or comfortable, leaving us in a lurch. So many times he treated me like I was absolutely worthless. So many times he's failed me and I've stuck by him despite. Now, I have wanted to give up for so long, and he's the one who wants to stick by me, and I want to run as fast and as far away as I can. He says I'm good for him and he doesn't want to lose me. He says I make him a better person. How can I keep doing that when I don't want to care anymore? How can I make anyone else a better person when I am the one who wants to give up?

All I can think of is, "If you love someone, set them free." I hate this feeling of wanting to do the right thing, but not liking what the right thing is. I don't want to hurt +Kyle...I've already done so much of that... But I don't know how to start *really* caring again, either.

I find myself questioning the reasoning I ever got married in the first place, and I don't like the answers I come up with.


So, I came down on him for being afraid of failure with our moving out here. He says he was just making sure he was making the best decision for us. I apologized for being wrong in my beliefs of his reasoning, but I am still not sure I was completely wrong in my assertion.

~~~~~

There was another event, but no one needs to know about it.

January 2012

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