Game Night and the continuation of the saga...

[lsdiamond]

Actually, I had a good time with everyone, but the before and the ignoring and the...*sigh*

Okay. Here's the thing... When we got married, I kept my maiden name as my middle name, dropping my given name. I liked my family name better than the given name, and this was never a problem. I've used it more often as a middle initial, but in several cases spelled out (mostly in places you have to have it, like driver's license, etc. So a couple weeks ago, I decided (for no other reason than that I like the way it sounded together, mind you) to hyphenate the two surnames as one.

Bad tiki.

+Kyle didn't notice it until yesterday when he found an old email I'd sent him at school. Ohhhh, he was mad. I was sitting in the cab catching up on sketching some dreams until everything got started. All of a sudden, there's this banging on the glass behind me - it's +Kyle, and he's obviously livid about something. I'm clueless. I roll down the window, and before I can ask what's wrong, he growls, "What is going on here?"

"...What is going on with what? I'm drawing."

He then launches into a spiel about how I'm "distancing myself" from him by putting my old name before his. "Announcing to the world that you were here first, and I'm just added on," I think was the way he put it. He went on about how feminists and women who hyphenate their last names because want to show off their success as though they did it all without their husbands.

I didn't think about it until today, but I could have mentioned that women who think their family names are important enough to keep them do this, too. Also, writers of comedic television, a la Corky Sherwood-Forest. For that matter, some people think it looks professional to do so. I don't hold to that belief, especially, and would probably revert back to an initial on things like resumes, etc. Not that it matters now, but I'm just saying...

Meanwhile, I'm trying to tell him that no, it has nothing to do with that at all. It was something I thought I'd try for a little while, see if I liked it, and go from there.

All this over a hyphen. And he wonders why I call him a cynical pessimist. He boggles when I tell him I can't stand his near-constant negativity. This is proof positive that the *first* thing his mind jumps to about many (if not all) subjects is whatever the worst case scenario could possibly (theoretically, yet!) be. He calls this trend "realism". I call it, "why do you bother getting up in the morning?" and "Why don't you ask before you start assuming the worst?"

So he then goes on about how I don't care about what's important to him. That's such a crock. I said that I definitely did care. If I didn't care, I wouldn't still be here (read: in Oklahoma, paying the bills, keeping him fed, washing his clothes and dishes, etc. etc. etc.) Caring is the *only* reason I'm still here.

I told him that if it really bothered him that much, I'd stop doing it. Had to tell him like 4 times, but I think I finally hammered it in there. See? I am willing to compromise on some issues! I am not wholly unreasonable! It wasn't any big deal to me to try something new. It's not going to kill me to give it up in this case. A hyphen is not part of who I am.

I don't know how long we went on, but Joanna came up to give us more bad news. No one ordered pizza for game night. It turns out it was Sgt. Smith's fault - he was the one who said how he wanted to buy pizza for everyone and make a big deal about getting more people involved with game night. He was given all the information he needed, told who to contact, told who to give the money to, etc., and didn't follow through. Granted, someone should probably have followed through on him as well, but if you instigate something, shouldn't you finish it? I don't know - it just seems like a good idea to me.

+Kyle stopped speaking to me after saying, "Do what you want, I don't care", and slamming the door to go with Joanna to try to fix the FUBAR. I mean noticeably stopped speaking to me, sitting across the room from me, etc....to the point of Micah, Joanna, Scooter *and* Robbie each asking at some point what was wrong. Why lie? I just said we were having a fight, it was my fault, and he wasn't speaking to me right now. No big deal - we'll get through it.

I worked on the standoff scene from my police chase dream a few more minutes to cool down, then went inside to see if there was anything I could do to help. There wasn't, so I stood around chatting with Micah and Joanna for a couple minutes while they decided who'd be watching ping pong, who'd be calling bingo, and getting people signed up for pool.

Scooter tapped on the glass door, so I went outside to say hi, and everyone came out to smoke. Joanna has a new guy, "Cooter", and we learned there was already someone by that nickname inside, plus Scooter, so there was potential for confusion, but things seemed to work out all right. I wasn't really paying attention to that. This was where Joanna asked what was wrong, so I just said what time it was. Everyone was concerned, but I didn't go into detail, just said it would work itself out. After this, Micah came up and we talked for a minute as well.

We all went back inside; I picked a table and sat down. I think Micah sat with me, and some girl name Shavonne, I think. Scooter sat at a table across from us, and said, "You just don't look happy tonight."

"I'm not. But I'm used to it lately, so no worries...it'll work out eventually."

"You should smile more." I did, a little. "That's what I like to see...even if it's fake." I smiled for real.

Joanna got ready to call Bingo, and since that's the only thing I can do with any proficiency, that's what I play. (That and I'm not qualified to play against anyone else at pool or ping pong, since I'm not a student. The other person would win by default, so it's kindof pointless to sign up.)

Spongebob sat to my left at my table, and various people sat to my right throughout the evening. He was noticeably less hyper tonight, but still Robbie. This was cute: One prize was an orange MSC cap sporting two zeroes in a sports number style digit. I happened to get the first bingo, (but I never say anything since I can't win anyway) so I swapped cards with Robbie and didn't say anything. When he realized what had transpired, he got all excited, and waved the hat around, hollering, "your girlfriend is cool!" at +Kyle, who said nothing. Shortly thereafter, he asked if I would like the hat since he already had one in another color. I said that was sweet of him, and that I'd love it if he *really* didn't want it. "I'm a zero, anyway, so it'll fit." I was proud of the Smashing Pumpkins reference, but nobody got it. :P Stupid fans of Outkast and other drivel not from 6+ years ago. Robbie's a good kid, even if he does belong on ritalin, thorazine and horse tranqs. :P I'm just kidding, Spongebob!

+Kyle left the room to sulk in the car about this time, but I stayed inside. This seems mean, but when he leaves, he generally wants to be *left alone*, so I made that call and didn't follow him. Clearly this was the wrong thing to do, because when he *did* come back, and I asked him if he was okay, he got upset and made some crack about me not bothering to see where he was. I can't win. If I *had* gone out to see, he'd have ignored me or sent me away. I know this from experience.

At some point, Scooter moved to my table as well, and went back and forth between bingo and playing pool when his name was called. We chatted a bit about nothing in particular - music, or something. Oh, and he told me his mom was going to call me about this project in about two weeks. He went out to smoke, and said, "Why don't you come outside with me?", so I followed.

Once outside, he asked what was wrong, adding that I didn't have to tell him if I didn't want to. I thought about it a minute, and gave him the short version.

"+Kyle doesn't like the phase I'm going through right now."

"...which is?"

"I'm finding myself....I'm not the person I was six years ago, and he doesn't like that. I'm learning to assert some level of independence, and I think he's threatened by that. But that's what being forced to *be* independent for two years will do to you."

I was trying to keep this short, because I didn't want the evening to become any more of a gripefest than it already had been. I probably shouldn't have said anything, but, ehh..

He said if I ever needed to talk, he'd be there to listen, and said he'd write down his email address later for me, but that he didn't want to cause any (more) problems between me & +Kyle. I said I really appreciated that.

He asked how old I was. We're both 24. He's exactly 16 days older than I am. No wonder we get along.

About then, someone came out to tell him he was up for pool again. He sucked down the rest of his cigarette, I thanked him, and we went inside.

This conversation made me realize how important this friendship is to me. He was very clear about not wanting to jeopardize my relationship with +Kyle. I sense why, but feel I'm not at liberty to say. Regardless, it's comforting to know. Here's someone who offered to be there, but knows their place. I saw potential for friendship with Scooter from that first night we met, but this is better than I could have hoped for.

Emerald and Robbie took turns calling for most of the rest of the evening. I received various threats from Robbie about "needing to win this game". LOL! The boy is not right. It was all in good fun, and just as well that my cards were terrible for the rest of the night.

Micah came by, on a break from watching ping pong, and confided in me about something important to her. I got her email address, too. We must get together soon. She's so sweet.

+Kyle had come back by now, and sat by the door until it was time to leave. He was still miffed, of course, but I really tried not to let it bother me. Game night is my one major social event per month, and I'm not going to let *anyone* screw it up for *any* reason. We helped clean up and left around 10:00. Scooter *did* give me his address, and +Kyle didn't say anything about it, so I don't think it was a problem. It would have come up in the car if it were.

Of course, the fight resumed once we were in the car, but it softened somewhat, although he threw around the "D" word a couple of times. When have I ever *ever* expressed a desire for that? Even when I admitted to thinking of leaving him last fall, it was for only a few days...something to cool my heels, sort things out, and come back to him when I felt like I could talk about everything.

When he said if I could just tolerate him for a couple more months, we could split up when we move, all I could say was, "I'm sorry you feel that way. It's not mutual." I have no feeling toward him about this. I think he was surprised that I didn't start bawling right there and beg him, "no, please don't leave me." I would have, even three years ago. But that was before Oklahoma. Do I want to split up? Of course not. But am I going to force him to stay with me if he wants to give up?

I'm not going to give up on us. This is going to take time and effort, and I'm willing to make it. If anyone gives up, it will be +Kyle, although I don't think he will. Right now, he needs me. He needs me just to get through school, through daily life. In twelve weeks, will he want me? Who knows? I hope so.

I don't really have a right to be upset with him. He's done measurably better about doing the little things it takes to *show* me he loves me...a lot better. I'm irritated by the fact that I have to spell these things out, though. If I have to tell you to thank me for doing something, are you really grateful for my doing it?

We came to some resolution, but he's made some requests.

* "Cut the goth crap"

Why? Because you don't like it? Because I do? I really don't want to compromise on this, and I'm tired of explaining to him why I like it, why it suits me, and why I don't want to stop. He complains about me not caring about his feelings about things...does he care about mine in this instance? I don't think so. Even so, I'm willing to compromise here. I won't do it when I go out with him. Dates (not that we have that many), grocery shopping, etc. At work? When I go out with my friends? He doesn't go anyway, so he doesn't have to see it. I don't care to stop then.

* "Stop feeling like you're not beautiful without makeup"

...He still doesn't get it. I know I'm beautiful now - I finally know it for me, not just because someone says it (although hearing it sure does feel good!). With or without makeup. Goth is a style that emanates from inside, and you can *be* goth without looking the part. I just happen to enjoy looking the part as well, especially here in Armpit, America. It's like GameGod said at Christmas - the outside matches the inside this way. I love the disturbed looks of the overly comfortable. I smile pretty much all the time when 'in costume' and out, as it were, and 90% of the time, people *actually* smile back, or maybe say 'hello'. I don't do it because I think I need it. I do it because I enjoy it, and the shock factor is fun. It's a vice, and I daresay it's a better vice than alcoholism, gambling, or anything else one could become involved in. Heck, if he wants me to start cutting again instead of wearing eyeliner, fine. I'm ready to take that up again, too.

* When we move, get a job.

Um, okay... We talked about this before. Lori has suggested that I need to take six months (at a minimum) off, but I doubt that will happen. As long as I can get DDR (and new music sometimes) to unlax, I'll be fine.

* 75% of whatever I bring in needs to go towards paying off debt. (Also, if I want, the 25% remaining can go toward divorce costs. WTD???)

Yeah, we talked about this before, too, although I'm more inclined to spend that 25% on counseling at this point...

I'm sure he listed a couple of other things he wants me to do, but I've forgotten them. I was already exhausted when we got home.

All this is so very controlling. He's trying to rein me in. Most of it was things we had already pretty much talked about and decided on together - but in this context, it's different. I don't mind most of it, but being told I can't express myself in a way that isn't harming anyone...well, he's no better than Mark and Sherry have been in that respect...and they have relented immensely.

We made up, and are okay now, but having sorted out my thoughts at these requests, I realize there's more to talk about. Sigh.