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lsdiamondMay 15th...
+Kyle wants to be leaving Oklahoma next weekend.
Words escape me...I never wanted to love this place...but now I don't want to leave.
...the mere thought of leaving has been tearing me apart inside for a long time.
...the realization that it is about to happen hasn't fully hit yet. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when it does.
+Kyle is driving me insane. He wants to be all comforting, but it's not working. I let him try, but I'm still numb to him a lot of the time. Maybe this time it's because he's the cause of the hurt. I know it's not intentional - he wants to do whatever's best for the both of us. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me want to let him try to help me...quite the opposite. When you get burned, you pull your hand out of the fire...not roll around in it.
What happened to waiting to move until I was a little more stable, mentally and emotionally? What happened to him working here until we had the money to move on our own? He says it's because he has a good job opportunity. Guy won't hire him over the phone. I am really uncomfortable with this whole "Well, it looks good, but he wants to talk to me in person" thing. I told +Kyle two weeks ago when I agreed to stay until he finished school that I wasn't leaving this state until he had a job lined up FOR CERTAIN, and a place to stay. Maybe it's a test of faith, but it's really hard to trust *anyone* right now, especially someone who has been so manipulative and so hurtful for so long. All I can see is one more case of him making a decision FOR us and it's hurting. I hope I can look back at some point and realize that it wasn't really like that, but from this side........
I want to cry, but I have been pretty much all day, so I'm tired...but I'm also jittery because I've been into the coffee at work all day. Not smart in my current condition, but...I don't care about much of anything right now.
So anyway, I told Mark & Sherry that +Kyle was ready to go, and they said the 12th should be my last day. I can't even give them a two week notice. They haven't been the greatest of bosses I've had, but they've been wonderful, and I feel like eleven kinds of awful for not being allowed this courtesy.
Called Nancy this afternoon. She said she should have everything finished in plenty of time. I said it was okay if she didn't, because everything fits right, and I don't mind paying to have it shipped if she can't get to it. But she's sure she will, so with any luck, this weekend we'll have it done. She was sorry we won't get to play in her garden together this summer. I am, too. She wished us well. I thanked her and Jim for being so great to us - so much like family.
Am trying to look forward to this weekend, but knowing it's the last time we're going to see so many dear friends (at least until we come back for a visit, and who knows when that will be?) is making that very hard.
Am also feeling bad that I am not looking forward to seeing everyone as much as it seems like I should. Yeah, I miss Ian and the rest of the family, Gamegod & Geekgrrl, Desireah, Logan, and all the rest...I don't really understand this right now.
Thank you, Niki, for the hug today. I love you, too.
...and yes...I'm aware that this is just another whinefest... Here, have some cheese, too...
+Kyle wants to be leaving Oklahoma next weekend.
Words escape me...I never wanted to love this place...but now I don't want to leave.
...the mere thought of leaving has been tearing me apart inside for a long time.
...the realization that it is about to happen hasn't fully hit yet. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when it does.
+Kyle is driving me insane. He wants to be all comforting, but it's not working. I let him try, but I'm still numb to him a lot of the time. Maybe this time it's because he's the cause of the hurt. I know it's not intentional - he wants to do whatever's best for the both of us. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me want to let him try to help me...quite the opposite. When you get burned, you pull your hand out of the fire...not roll around in it.
What happened to waiting to move until I was a little more stable, mentally and emotionally? What happened to him working here until we had the money to move on our own? He says it's because he has a good job opportunity. Guy won't hire him over the phone. I am really uncomfortable with this whole "Well, it looks good, but he wants to talk to me in person" thing. I told +Kyle two weeks ago when I agreed to stay until he finished school that I wasn't leaving this state until he had a job lined up FOR CERTAIN, and a place to stay. Maybe it's a test of faith, but it's really hard to trust *anyone* right now, especially someone who has been so manipulative and so hurtful for so long. All I can see is one more case of him making a decision FOR us and it's hurting. I hope I can look back at some point and realize that it wasn't really like that, but from this side........
I want to cry, but I have been pretty much all day, so I'm tired...but I'm also jittery because I've been into the coffee at work all day. Not smart in my current condition, but...I don't care about much of anything right now.
So anyway, I told Mark & Sherry that +Kyle was ready to go, and they said the 12th should be my last day. I can't even give them a two week notice. They haven't been the greatest of bosses I've had, but they've been wonderful, and I feel like eleven kinds of awful for not being allowed this courtesy.
Called Nancy this afternoon. She said she should have everything finished in plenty of time. I said it was okay if she didn't, because everything fits right, and I don't mind paying to have it shipped if she can't get to it. But she's sure she will, so with any luck, this weekend we'll have it done. She was sorry we won't get to play in her garden together this summer. I am, too. She wished us well. I thanked her and Jim for being so great to us - so much like family.
Am trying to look forward to this weekend, but knowing it's the last time we're going to see so many dear friends (at least until we come back for a visit, and who knows when that will be?) is making that very hard.
Am also feeling bad that I am not looking forward to seeing everyone as much as it seems like I should. Yeah, I miss Ian and the rest of the family, Gamegod & Geekgrrl, Desireah, Logan, and all the rest...I don't really understand this right now.
Thank you, Niki, for the hug today. I love you, too.
...and yes...I'm aware that this is just another whinefest... Here, have some cheese, too...
