Unexpected...
Apr. 11th, 2004 09:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lsdiamondToday did not go at all like I expected.
First off, I was expecting that we'd be going out to visit Jim at the very least so +Kyle could learn more about welding. Didn't happen.
I'd been given a sign that I needed to bring up the whole "I'm ready to leave" thing again, and was quite quite sick over it. I did actually try sleeping before anything else, but the nausea was just too great. So I went to work for my good blade, and made a larger diamond above the first one. Thought about making the first one more 3-D instead, but ehh... It was pretty pathetic, considering, as I'd agreed to at least be careful if I needed to do it again. Everything welted up quickly because I didn't go deep, so it didn't bleed much at all. Not what I was hoping for. Also, I was really lightheaded afterward, so I had to lie down for a few minutes.
So anyway, I packed a lot of stuff this morning, and was just sitting down to check blogs and the like when +Kyle got up. I had made that post earlier, and +Kyle read it right away, which shocked the daylights out of me. I'm sitting here doing my own thing, and he pops up with, "What happened, hon?"
"...what happened with what?"
"Your latest blog entry. What's wrong?"
"Oh, that. I cut today." Matter of fact. No emotion.
"What do you mean?"
"I was sick this morning, so I cut today."
So he freaks out and comes over to look, and I'm more annoyed by that than anything. He's all, "What's wrong? Tell me what's the matter." and I'm just getting more annoyed, but I know what I have to do, so I go lie down.
I asked if he remembered telling me to find what makes me happy and go for it. He vaguely did, and I said I still wanted to leave. I want time alone. I think it will make me happy.
So +Kyle got really mad, and told me that wasn't happening. He wasn't going to let me, and started going off about all the promises we made. Well, that just made me mad, too. Why on earth would I be so distraught about all of this if I hadn't been considering that very thing?
Getting into the 'why' of it all was *really* fun. I told him about the whole fear of being alone thing...told him how I've lied about sex ever since before we got married, although I'd tried to talk myself into believing that I was okay with everything that happened. Told him myriad things that I had done over the years because he wanted them done, and I thought I was being a good wife by trying to make him happy. Moving to Oklahoma included in that. I never wanted to leave Alabama...my family...friends...home... But he had a dream, and I wanted to help him realize it, so I went. Told him about talking myself into getting Washu because it was something we'd talked about, and he really wanted her. Then when I just couldn't stand her anymore, how I tried to at least tolerate her for his sake. I told him I wasn't trying to keep score or anything, but just that these were the things weighing on my mind.
The worst thing? He makes me feel like a complete heel for all of this. Like I should have tried harder to be happy with these situations - like I have no right to be upset, since they're basically my fault anyway. Like I should have stood up for the things I really wanted, and my beliefs.
He made me promise that I would tell him what I really want when it comes to decisions...I asked him to give me time to think when those decisions came up. We'll see how that goes. He doesn't tend to think about time the same way I do.
First off, I was expecting that we'd be going out to visit Jim at the very least so +Kyle could learn more about welding. Didn't happen.
I'd been given a sign that I needed to bring up the whole "I'm ready to leave" thing again, and was quite quite sick over it. I did actually try sleeping before anything else, but the nausea was just too great. So I went to work for my good blade, and made a larger diamond above the first one. Thought about making the first one more 3-D instead, but ehh... It was pretty pathetic, considering, as I'd agreed to at least be careful if I needed to do it again. Everything welted up quickly because I didn't go deep, so it didn't bleed much at all. Not what I was hoping for. Also, I was really lightheaded afterward, so I had to lie down for a few minutes.
So anyway, I packed a lot of stuff this morning, and was just sitting down to check blogs and the like when +Kyle got up. I had made that post earlier, and +Kyle read it right away, which shocked the daylights out of me. I'm sitting here doing my own thing, and he pops up with, "What happened, hon?"
"...what happened with what?"
"Your latest blog entry. What's wrong?"
"Oh, that. I cut today." Matter of fact. No emotion.
"What do you mean?"
"I was sick this morning, so I cut today."
So he freaks out and comes over to look, and I'm more annoyed by that than anything. He's all, "What's wrong? Tell me what's the matter." and I'm just getting more annoyed, but I know what I have to do, so I go lie down.
I asked if he remembered telling me to find what makes me happy and go for it. He vaguely did, and I said I still wanted to leave. I want time alone. I think it will make me happy.
So +Kyle got really mad, and told me that wasn't happening. He wasn't going to let me, and started going off about all the promises we made. Well, that just made me mad, too. Why on earth would I be so distraught about all of this if I hadn't been considering that very thing?
Getting into the 'why' of it all was *really* fun. I told him about the whole fear of being alone thing...told him how I've lied about sex ever since before we got married, although I'd tried to talk myself into believing that I was okay with everything that happened. Told him myriad things that I had done over the years because he wanted them done, and I thought I was being a good wife by trying to make him happy. Moving to Oklahoma included in that. I never wanted to leave Alabama...my family...friends...home... But he had a dream, and I wanted to help him realize it, so I went. Told him about talking myself into getting Washu because it was something we'd talked about, and he really wanted her. Then when I just couldn't stand her anymore, how I tried to at least tolerate her for his sake. I told him I wasn't trying to keep score or anything, but just that these were the things weighing on my mind.
The worst thing? He makes me feel like a complete heel for all of this. Like I should have tried harder to be happy with these situations - like I have no right to be upset, since they're basically my fault anyway. Like I should have stood up for the things I really wanted, and my beliefs.
He made me promise that I would tell him what I really want when it comes to decisions...I asked him to give me time to think when those decisions came up. We'll see how that goes. He doesn't tend to think about time the same way I do.
