![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Assignment
Apr. 21st, 2004 12:56 amWhat Men Want
Go read this now. Especially if you're a woman with any kind of man in your life.
That is all.
Go read this now. Especially if you're a woman with any kind of man in your life.
That is all.
Apr. 21st, 2004
BY THE WAY...
Apr. 21st, 2004 01:07 amMy husband is treating me with cruel and unusual punishment.
My parents have sent me a birthday present.
He knows what it is.
He has hidden it and I am not allowed to look for it.
I am not allowed to open it until Saturday!
Go figure.
In all seriousness, I don't *really* care that I have to wait, nor do I want to know what it is until I get to open it, and neither do I intend or even want to look for it! It's no fun shaking the box, because I am a pretty good guesser. Also there's the mild ESP thing we've done before. ;)
But man is he rubbing it in every time the subject comes up.
My parents have sent me a birthday present.
He knows what it is.
He has hidden it and I am not allowed to look for it.
I am not allowed to open it until Saturday!
Go figure.
In all seriousness, I don't *really* care that I have to wait, nor do I want to know what it is until I get to open it, and neither do I intend or even want to look for it! It's no fun shaking the box, because I am a pretty good guesser. Also there's the mild ESP thing we've done before. ;)
But man is he rubbing it in every time the subject comes up.
(no subject)
Apr. 21st, 2004 06:18 pmOne of these days, I will learn to listen to my own advice.
I knew from the start of this how things would have to turn out. No one could escape a situation like this unscathed. What I didn't realize was that I was the one doing most of the hurting on all sides. No one *told* me so, but I should have realized it, being that I was in the middle of everything.
Anyway... All is forgiven. All parties are healing. We all remain friends. Ground rules have been set, and I have peace and faith that we will all be stronger for it. Stronger people, *and* stronger friends.
Remember last Tuesday, how my one prayer was for that "move out" to be for the best for +Kyle & me? Frankly, I expected to have lost everything within three days - +Kyle for his anger, Phoenix for needing to be alone, my family for running away, and my friends for lack of understanding of what I felt I needed to do.
Instead, we all have been granted grace. My husband has come to realize all the harm he has done to me, and appears to be working to correct it. He's also forgiven me all the wrongs I've done to him. We have both come to love a good friend more deeply than mere emotions can dictate, and the three of us will be better for the things we have been through together. My family has respected my need for space, and, though I'm sure they're still displeased with the way I "handled" things, I truly believe that it was the only way, and that I was right in doing so the way I did. +Kyle said it was the wake-up call he needed, and has nothing bad to say about the results, although my leaving hurt him deeply.
You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, right?
Anyway... +Kyle has made phenomenal changes just since Sunday. Truthfully, I am having a hard time accepting that he means it. I'm so used to being manipulated that I see him changing tactics so he can keep control of me another way. Still, I *hope* he is for real. Time will tell if he really means it. Gamegod says he's grown up a lot in the past few days, so I have hope.
We're looking for some kind of counselor, but are not having a lot of success. Too many people who know either one of us already. We want a completely impartial person - someone we've never met, but who has a good reputation in the area.
Some things came together for me on Sunday, too. It's long, painful, and nothing I care to go into here. Suffice it to say, +Kyle understands why I have reacted to situations the way I have, and frankly, now I understand a little bit better, too.
My only question now is...how do you learn to forgive yourself? I can forgive anyone for anything. I can accept forgiveness from others, even when I know it's the last thing I deserve. But I can't..or maybe I won't...give myself that luxury, and +Kyle says it's something I absolutely have to do...for things that are 20 years old, in some cases.
To rebuilding bridges, and learning new things.
I knew from the start of this how things would have to turn out. No one could escape a situation like this unscathed. What I didn't realize was that I was the one doing most of the hurting on all sides. No one *told* me so, but I should have realized it, being that I was in the middle of everything.
Anyway... All is forgiven. All parties are healing. We all remain friends. Ground rules have been set, and I have peace and faith that we will all be stronger for it. Stronger people, *and* stronger friends.
Remember last Tuesday, how my one prayer was for that "move out" to be for the best for +Kyle & me? Frankly, I expected to have lost everything within three days - +Kyle for his anger, Phoenix for needing to be alone, my family for running away, and my friends for lack of understanding of what I felt I needed to do.
Instead, we all have been granted grace. My husband has come to realize all the harm he has done to me, and appears to be working to correct it. He's also forgiven me all the wrongs I've done to him. We have both come to love a good friend more deeply than mere emotions can dictate, and the three of us will be better for the things we have been through together. My family has respected my need for space, and, though I'm sure they're still displeased with the way I "handled" things, I truly believe that it was the only way, and that I was right in doing so the way I did. +Kyle said it was the wake-up call he needed, and has nothing bad to say about the results, although my leaving hurt him deeply.
You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, right?
Anyway... +Kyle has made phenomenal changes just since Sunday. Truthfully, I am having a hard time accepting that he means it. I'm so used to being manipulated that I see him changing tactics so he can keep control of me another way. Still, I *hope* he is for real. Time will tell if he really means it. Gamegod says he's grown up a lot in the past few days, so I have hope.
We're looking for some kind of counselor, but are not having a lot of success. Too many people who know either one of us already. We want a completely impartial person - someone we've never met, but who has a good reputation in the area.
Some things came together for me on Sunday, too. It's long, painful, and nothing I care to go into here. Suffice it to say, +Kyle understands why I have reacted to situations the way I have, and frankly, now I understand a little bit better, too.
My only question now is...how do you learn to forgive yourself? I can forgive anyone for anything. I can accept forgiveness from others, even when I know it's the last thing I deserve. But I can't..or maybe I won't...give myself that luxury, and +Kyle says it's something I absolutely have to do...for things that are 20 years old, in some cases.
To rebuilding bridges, and learning new things.
Exhaustion
Apr. 21st, 2004 08:52 pmI am utterly spent.
Friday was not exacly relaxing, but mostly spent with friends, so it wasn't too bad.
Saturday was absolutely harrowing. I honestly don't remember most of it. I was so tired all day, and all +Kyle and I did was talk.
I've said in times past that my brain is fried, but it's never been like this. I have gotten to the point where my body literally cannot stay awake because my brain is so tired from talking and thinking. I'll start to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation just because I can't handle any more.
Sunday was much the same, but we made a lot of progress. I told +Kyle about the inappropriate touching when I was little. I really hadn't made the connection to all the problems of resentment toward +Kyle stemming from that. I know it's where my inability to forgive myself comes from. But when I told him, he said that a lot of other things made sense now. I guess they do make more sense to me, too, now, but I still feel like one of those people who tries to hang all their problems on a "traumatic childhood". I'd buried it a long time, and it would pop up now and then, but was never anything that I truly considered serious, short of my own lack of self-forgiveness.
The other individual involved in the situation is not important. I have never held it against them - only myself, for being afraid of "being told on", and for being afraid that the authority figure would not side with me, even though I *knew* the situation was inherently wrong.
I suddenly realize why I feared being in the wrong with that authority figure. I was placed in a daycare for a short time, and the "caretaker", such as she was, was not kind to me (or the other kids, I'd imagine). I got picked on a lot at that daycare. I recall being held down by bigger kids so they could take my gum. I wasn't generally included in games - even when they'd say I could play, I was ignored. I tried to get the caretaker's attention when I saw something was wrong, or felt I was being mistreated, but she always said I was a tattle-tale and not to bother her with that. She was just mean. Her bratty granddaughter bit me once, and I admittedly retaliated by tripping her, but I was the one placed in the corner, despite showing the caretaker the teeth marks that left a bruise. Her granddaughter was not found at fault at all.
I am grateful that I was not in that place for very long.
How can I forgive myself for allowing something wrong to happen? Have I not truly forgiven those who mistreated me and whose who did not defend me when I was in pain? How can I stop this pattern in my life?
Friday was not exacly relaxing, but mostly spent with friends, so it wasn't too bad.
Saturday was absolutely harrowing. I honestly don't remember most of it. I was so tired all day, and all +Kyle and I did was talk.
I've said in times past that my brain is fried, but it's never been like this. I have gotten to the point where my body literally cannot stay awake because my brain is so tired from talking and thinking. I'll start to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation just because I can't handle any more.
Sunday was much the same, but we made a lot of progress. I told +Kyle about the inappropriate touching when I was little. I really hadn't made the connection to all the problems of resentment toward +Kyle stemming from that. I know it's where my inability to forgive myself comes from. But when I told him, he said that a lot of other things made sense now. I guess they do make more sense to me, too, now, but I still feel like one of those people who tries to hang all their problems on a "traumatic childhood". I'd buried it a long time, and it would pop up now and then, but was never anything that I truly considered serious, short of my own lack of self-forgiveness.
The other individual involved in the situation is not important. I have never held it against them - only myself, for being afraid of "being told on", and for being afraid that the authority figure would not side with me, even though I *knew* the situation was inherently wrong.
I suddenly realize why I feared being in the wrong with that authority figure. I was placed in a daycare for a short time, and the "caretaker", such as she was, was not kind to me (or the other kids, I'd imagine). I got picked on a lot at that daycare. I recall being held down by bigger kids so they could take my gum. I wasn't generally included in games - even when they'd say I could play, I was ignored. I tried to get the caretaker's attention when I saw something was wrong, or felt I was being mistreated, but she always said I was a tattle-tale and not to bother her with that. She was just mean. Her bratty granddaughter bit me once, and I admittedly retaliated by tripping her, but I was the one placed in the corner, despite showing the caretaker the teeth marks that left a bruise. Her granddaughter was not found at fault at all.
I am grateful that I was not in that place for very long.
How can I forgive myself for allowing something wrong to happen? Have I not truly forgiven those who mistreated me and whose who did not defend me when I was in pain? How can I stop this pattern in my life?
Dream a little dream of me...
Apr. 21st, 2004 10:32 pmSo I know I'm still dreaming...doubt I ever stopped, to be honest. But I haven't been able to remember them in over a week. I'm still not resting when I do sleep, so I'm guessing that I just don't have the energy for good recall right now.
There must be a lot of interesting stuff rolling around up there lately. I hope I can tap back into things soon and start to remember again.
There must be a lot of interesting stuff rolling around up there lately. I hope I can tap back into things soon and start to remember again.