Exhaustion

[lsdiamond]

I am utterly spent.

Friday was not exacly relaxing, but mostly spent with friends, so it wasn't too bad.

Saturday was absolutely harrowing. I honestly don't remember most of it. I was so tired all day, and all +Kyle and I did was talk.

I've said in times past that my brain is fried, but it's never been like this. I have gotten to the point where my body literally cannot stay awake because my brain is so tired from talking and thinking. I'll start to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation just because I can't handle any more.

Sunday was much the same, but we made a lot of progress. I told +Kyle about the inappropriate touching when I was little. I really hadn't made the connection to all the problems of resentment toward +Kyle stemming from that. I know it's where my inability to forgive myself comes from. But when I told him, he said that a lot of other things made sense now. I guess they do make more sense to me, too, now, but I still feel like one of those people who tries to hang all their problems on a "traumatic childhood". I'd buried it a long time, and it would pop up now and then, but was never anything that I truly considered serious, short of my own lack of self-forgiveness.

The other individual involved in the situation is not important. I have never held it against them - only myself, for being afraid of "being told on", and for being afraid that the authority figure would not side with me, even though I *knew* the situation was inherently wrong.

I suddenly realize why I feared being in the wrong with that authority figure. I was placed in a daycare for a short time, and the "caretaker", such as she was, was not kind to me (or the other kids, I'd imagine). I got picked on a lot at that daycare. I recall being held down by bigger kids so they could take my gum. I wasn't generally included in games - even when they'd say I could play, I was ignored. I tried to get the caretaker's attention when I saw something was wrong, or felt I was being mistreated, but she always said I was a tattle-tale and not to bother her with that. She was just mean. Her bratty granddaughter bit me once, and I admittedly retaliated by tripping her, but I was the one placed in the corner, despite showing the caretaker the teeth marks that left a bruise. Her granddaughter was not found at fault at all.

I am grateful that I was not in that place for very long.

How can I forgive myself for allowing something wrong to happen? Have I not truly forgiven those who mistreated me and whose who did not defend me when I was in pain? How can I stop this pattern in my life?

Comments

[lipsy.livejournal.com]

Let me tell you this: My best friend had (if I read you right) a similar thing happen. This friend was about 5 years old when sexually abused by another child. How do you get over that? My friend didn't want to be a "tattle-tale" either. My friend is nearly 30 and didn't even start to deal with these issues until about 5 years ago. It has influenced even the furthest reaches of my friend's life. I was the first person my friend told - 5 years ago.

Now, I don't know the specifics of your circumstances, but I know this much: you've got to talk about it with people you trust. My friend doesn't let blame become an issue, and you don't have to either. You still have the ultimate control over your life and I think you know that. But it's important to understand yourself. Abuse as a child may not manifest as sexual disfunction, but in trust and forgiveness issues. My friend still has trust problems.

I'm happy to listen, but it sounds like Kyle needs to hear about all this more than I do. :)

[lsdiamond.livejournal.com]

Yes; we talked at length about it on Sunday... He came up with answers that I didn't even realize, but basically I've come to the conclusion that we've saved a lot of money on therapists bills. :P

This is one of those things I don't really want to talk with a lot of people about, anyway...I debated mentioning it here at all.

[lipsy.livejournal.com]

I totally respect that you don't want to talk about it much. My friend doesn't like to talk about it either. But please don't think that it's something to be ashamed of. It has happened to so many people. It's frankly (and sadly) common. My 84 year old neighbor told me about how she was abused in grade school. Take care. :)

[lsdiamond.livejournal.com]

This is really old stuff, but I've been editing tags and ran across your reply here.

Just wanted to tell you how much I treasure you as a friend, and wish we could be closer than we are, both in proximity and in friendship itself.

[lipsy.livejournal.com]

I feel like I missed out on your son being born. :( This school year has been tough, and I have a feeling that they will all be this way - that I'll be forever pushing aside my relationships to maintain production at work.

It sucks, although I'm told that my third year is supposed to be better. Guess we'll see.

Anyway, Friday the 23 is my last day. Then I'll sleep for a week. Then I'll be on a bit more often. :) *hugs*

[lsdiamond.livejournal.com]

Well, don't feel that way if you can help it...just share vicariously through my only-sometimes-sporadic weekly updates! I PROMISE there will be new pictures soon. ^_^

*hugs* Work sucks, I know it, and anything school-related is particularly life-draining. It's a tough life!!! But it's got to be rewarding, or else no one would do it.

Can't wait to hear from you more often. Call me if you get the chance (and still have my number)?

[lipsy.livejournal.com]

Email me the number anyway - or reply and delete. I think I have it, but it might be on my old phone. :)

[lsdiamond.livejournal.com]

deleted!

[lsdiamond.livejournal.com]

Is (256) 497-3662 lovey!!!