GothGeek's Musings

One of these days, I will learn to listen to my own advice.

I knew from the start of this how things would have to turn out. No one could escape a situation like this unscathed. What I didn't realize was that I was the one doing most of the hurting on all sides. No one *told* me so, but I should have realized it, being that I was in the middle of everything.

Anyway... All is forgiven. All parties are healing. We all remain friends. Ground rules have been set, and I have peace and faith that we will all be stronger for it. Stronger people, *and* stronger friends.

Remember last Tuesday, how my one prayer was for that "move out" to be for the best for +Kyle & me? Frankly, I expected to have lost everything within three days - +Kyle for his anger, Phoenix for needing to be alone, my family for running away, and my friends for lack of understanding of what I felt I needed to do.

Instead, we all have been granted grace. My husband has come to realize all the harm he has done to me, and appears to be working to correct it. He's also forgiven me all the wrongs I've done to him. We have both come to love a good friend more deeply than mere emotions can dictate, and the three of us will be better for the things we have been through together. My family has respected my need for space, and, though I'm sure they're still displeased with the way I "handled" things, I truly believe that it was the only way, and that I was right in doing so the way I did. +Kyle said it was the wake-up call he needed, and has nothing bad to say about the results, although my leaving hurt him deeply.

You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, right?

Anyway... +Kyle has made phenomenal changes just since Sunday. Truthfully, I am having a hard time accepting that he means it. I'm so used to being manipulated that I see him changing tactics so he can keep control of me another way. Still, I *hope* he is for real. Time will tell if he really means it. Gamegod says he's grown up a lot in the past few days, so I have hope.

We're looking for some kind of counselor, but are not having a lot of success. Too many people who know either one of us already. We want a completely impartial person - someone we've never met, but who has a good reputation in the area.

Some things came together for me on Sunday, too. It's long, painful, and nothing I care to go into here. Suffice it to say, +Kyle understands why I have reacted to situations the way I have, and frankly, now I understand a little bit better, too.

My only question now is...how do you learn to forgive yourself? I can forgive anyone for anything. I can accept forgiveness from others, even when I know it's the last thing I deserve. But I can't..or maybe I won't...give myself that luxury, and +Kyle says it's something I absolutely have to do...for things that are 20 years old, in some cases.

To rebuilding bridges, and learning new things.