So tired I couldn't even sleep...so many secrets I couldn't keep...

I know it's not the answer, but I almost don't care. I'm so sick this morning.

Maybe if I just get something in my stomach to settle it...

I need to talk to +Kyle about everything now that I've sorted it out, but...ugh...I'm scared to. It's okay, D... He's not going to come back fighting right away. He's going to be upset, but he knows better than to take it out on you. You hope. But he asked last night if we were okay, and you said you were. But *we* *are* okay. No grudges, no hard feelings. *I* am not okay. I hurt. I need to be understood.

Maybe I should just give up...keep him happy again. I learned to live with losing before. I stood up for awhile, things got okay, but everything's just pressing down again on me. I can be a zero again. I even have a hat to prove it now.

I need a blade. Can't I just stay home from work today and sleep?

No Joan of Arc, I...

So God spoke to me this morning. Audibly. I mean, it was in my head, but all clear. A voice I don't recognize, but know, despite. This hasn't happened in a *very* long time, and I have been avoiding contact lately, so I'm not surprised.

I was starting breakfast, and thinking how maybe I should just take (certain unnamed friend) up on her offer for antidepressants. It's an easy way out, but at least I wouldn't break my promise to +Kyle to "never cut again". At least I wouldn't care anymore. At least I wouldn't hurt.

So I went into the bathroom while it cooked, to clean up a bit before getting ready for work, and there it was.

"I sent My Son to die for you."

"...I know you did," I said aloud.

"I got you out of this once."

I waited. "...I know you did."

I waited more. There was silence awhile, while I thought...not directly asking, but just thinking questions. "Yes, but how did you do it? It's been so long...I don't remember." I thought I'd better be quiet inside so I could hear anything else, then thought, "Duh, He's God...He can drown the rest out if He wants to." More silence.

Then, "All you had to do was ask."

That's true. "Yeah, ask, and give myself totally over to you. I don't know if I want that in my life right now."

A little more silence, and then, as calmly and gently as before, "What is so wonderful about your life right now that you don't want to give it up? What are you going to miss?"

I don't know. Neither of us said anything else, but now I have to think. What *is* it that I don't want to give up? Misery? Sadness? Grief? Worry? The constant battle over my language? The nagging (if few and far between) thoughts of getting what I need elsewhere? The distress of having to talk to +Kyle about anything for fear of his reaction, despite the fact that he's doing much better? The daily annoyances? That unending on-the-verge-of-tears-yet-they-won't-come? I could be giving all that up. I wouldn't have to worry about it...about anything.

I have to go to work. I need to think.

The day progresses...

Well, I had something of a spiritual experience this morning after my first post, so my outlook on the day is much better now than it was. More on that later.

I also came to a realization this morning. Mom said it a couple of weeks ago, but it didn't truly strike me until today. I have been seeing the world through these dimmed, muted glasses for so long it's been hard to see the bright patches that come up. Depression just does that to a person.

All it took was +Kyle saying 'thank you' for something as trivial as giving him the leaner piece of bacon at breakfast. I then saw a glimmer, and a realization that, while I *have* acknowledged that he is trying to do the things I need him to do, perhaps I have *not* acknowledged the frequency with which he does them. I'm going to spend a few days and really pay attention to what he says and does. I'm willing to accept the fact that I need to make some changes, too, in my attitude and in my outlook. I may even be willing to accept the fact that I didn't do it alone the last time I got out of this pit, and might yet be willing to accept the same help I had before.

I'm also making a conscious effort to smile more today. It's funny, but it really does make one feel better to smile, even if it starts out as rather fake. If you can get someone to smile back, it doubles the effect. In public service, they pay people to smile...why can't I just give it away?