lsdiamond: (RoseTat)

Well, the "official" defriending has happened. Stings as much as I thought it would...I guess in my mind, she already had.

 

Spent time with one of my oldest friends last night. She was totally plastered, so the majority of the conversation was her drunkenly telling me what a good person I am, and giggling over things I barely remember from our teen years. She got sober enough after awhile, though, to tell me that she's been worried about me & Angel...for about 3 months now. Like, can't get it off her mind worried. Which is interesting, because I thought we were doing better than we had in years. And she told me about this shield I always have up around me, and how there are only ever these glimpses in to who I really am. The shield is absolutely there; I've had it up so long, I dont even notice it. She said it's because my brothers and I have for our entire lives vied for some - any - kind of recognition, praise, acknowledgement of any kind - from our parents. She's, sadly, so right. They did their best by all of us; there was always food on the table, and they raised us as people of faith. But Desi says they created 4 brilliant monsters with us, and that our parents are afraid of us. Which also makes sense. Dad is an adult child, and mom is a very Beta personality.

 

So, came back to the hotel, had a very long discussion with Angel, and have learned that...he's only been staying with me because he had nowhere else to go...for like 2 years now. And no money for divorce fees of course. I don't pay attention to him, like...at all. I work, talk to my friends to escape, read, but have been so wrapped up in both the depression and the frustration of being around my family 24/7/365, that it's never occurred to me just how far gone he's been.  I'm in awe of my own cluelessness. He's been on the back burner so long that I assumed he liked it there. He's always liked his space, or said he did. The ways he's complained about wanting to change, I've encouraged, but he's taken it as, "yeah, get some exercise, fatass." But the ways he takes care to present himself, I get fed up with because they aren't important to me.

 

I've always been the pursuer, except in abusive (toward me) relationships. And I just learned that I conquer and move on. What a fantastically loving character I've turned out to be. Who knew I was the abuser?

 

Bull in a china shop...I don't take care of the people (or things) around me. I enjoy them, but inevitably wind up breaking and damaging...never beyond repair, but any break is too much.

 

I miss her so much. I'd give so much to go back just a few months and return to being two friends who knew their place. But she's gone, and it's my fault. I'm making concentrated efforts toward Angel...but don't know how well that will end up at this point, either.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

lsdiamond: (RoseTat)

Mental tallying has brought some things to light.

Early 30s
Depression
Fatigue & inability to sleep
Heaviness in chest
Chest pains
Difficulty breathing/Underwater feeling
Deep yet shallow cough
Throaty quality to voice

Mom had all these symptoms, and was eventually diagnosed with sarcoidosis. Her mother had it too, she just told me today. Soooooooo... I need to start treatment immediately. Thankfully, she is an encyclopedia of knowledge, and our family doctor actually listens to things like family history and previous treatments that have worked. She doesn't like unnecessary testing, so I'm hoping to avoid X-Rays and skip straight to a biopsy. Best case scenario, maybe she'll just start me on the inhaler they put mom on, and maybe the cough meds as well.

This also means I should probably start cutting back on wheat. Mom's sarc symptoms eased somewhat when she went gluten-free. I don't generally mind food substitution, so that won't be too terribly painful.

The depression may or may not be linked directly. Well, i know parts of it are not. but maybe the extremism is just an offshoot of sarc.
















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lsdiamond: (RoseTat)


Why do I bother writing things out? They usually wind up more or less sorting themselves out shortly after I have a bitchfest or pity party.

Ah well. The junk I think about has to go somewhere...


Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

lsdiamond: (RoseTat)

Kinda everyday stuff
Tommy & dad talking
Boy's carseat
Bubble stuff
Play Doh in Boy's bath

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

lsdiamond: (RoseTat)

The first dream, I don't remember too much of.  I lived in a large hotel or apartment complex.  For part of it, I was on an elevator filled with convention kids in full costume.  The whole place was very brightly lit.
 

Second was the same way.  Ann or another similar entity was with us at my parents' house.  The skies were dim, and winter was at its peak.  The weather was uncharacteristic, with lighting, thunderstorms, and even tornadoes in addition to driving snow.

Everyone in the house was gone after awhile.

The mail ran, and I got a letter.  Although I didn't read it (this is odd for me to not be able to read in dreams), I simply knew that it was going to be my time to go.  The appointment was for 8 the following day, and I would have opportunity to contact the most important people in my life.

I went driving with Ian and told him all about the letter.  Even though it hadn't said so, I knew I'd be "going up" as it were.  So I was excited, and he was apprehensive.

Later, I was with mom in a rickety wooden attic.  She was exceptionally shaken by the news, the last thing I'd expect from my saint of a mother.  She got really upset over the fact that I was going for good.  She is not a naturally emotional woman, so this was alarming in the dream.

Twelve hours later, it was nearly 8:00 am.  Dorian was sleeping on a bed.  I hoped very much that he would not wake up for the end.  I talked to him for as long as I could.  Told him I had to leave for now, but would watch as often as I'd be allowed to.  I don't know that this is possible from the realms beyond, but I believe it must be to some extent.  I told him to be good.  All of my excitement of leaving was instantly shattered as I'd be separated from my Beepadoo and wouldn't have a way to ensure he'd come with me.

I started crying in the dream so violently that it woke me up, still bawling.

Boy woke up crying later in the morning, and said he was crying for me.

lsdiamond: (RoseTat)

Comedian Mike Williams had it right: some weeks have two Mondays in 'em. We just finished up a straight week of Mondays. Angel dubbed it the attack of the stupid, which is 100% accurate and truthful. There were no major catastrophes or terrible occurrences, it was just little niggling problems constantly, and literally not being allowed to sleep.

We'd been trying to move during all our "free" time, and just little stuff would keep coming up to prevent us from focusing for more than a few hours at a time. The be-all-end-all of yard sales wasn't. The big stuff we needed gone wasn't going anywhere. Potential buyers would waste our time, etc. Finally, we got 90% of everything gone and/or in storage, but moving day was here. Hired Noel & Ferfer to clean the house since we were out of time. They did a marvelous job despite what was left in the house.

The trip itself was rough. Didn't get a lot of sleep, and I had jacked up my back just in time to be sitting in a car for four days.

When we got back, instead of having the weekend to rest and finish up the last of the moving out, while letting the kids & kitties acclimate, we wound up driving from Murfreesboro to Memphis to Elkmont, then printing some shirts (on a color that has been in a national shortage for much of the summer). It was by the grace of God that they were in stock within driving distance, as a delivery order would have taken til Monday...two days too late. Anywho, printed the shirts & finshed up some signs, and drove to Chattanooga to deliver them first thing this morning. All on no sleep. We crashed hard at the Kyser house, then drove back to the Boro to finish removing the last of the little in the way kinds of things. This trip was thwarted by a desperate need for an oil change, making us late to take back the Uhaul on the due date. Good times.

The week of stupid continued, but we made the best of the bad situations by using the Uhaul to move the majority of things down to storage. Mere minutes from 12 midnight, I posted how glad I'd be when it was officially no longer the week of Mondays. We stopped for gas, and wouldn't you know? I wanted coffee to get to Elkmont without killing anyone on the road. Guess what the gas station didn't have?

I stared at the machine and wanted to rage at the clerk. But what good would it have profited? Instead, I rolled my eyes, asked the universe in general, "are you freaking kidding me??", went into the restroom and prayed things would work out when I was done cooling down mentally. When I came out, I noticed an instant cappuccino machine...no good flavors, but the caffiene hit was enough.

But even in the worst of weeks (and looking back, this one wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been) God is good. I've been craving crabapples for like 3 years, and the Dahlkes gladly donated some...we will be back end of August for more next year, and many more times inbetween! :D It's hardly a major crisis solved, but it's a reminder that even our tiniest desires are important to God, even when they're not vital or especially needed. Casting ALL your cares on Him, for He cares for thee! Yup, even stupid little crap like a rare fruit.

This morning started out well, we got the trailer unloaded in record time, got cleaned up & back to the Boro for church, and even made it to the Uhaul place where they did not charge extra for the late day! We enjoyed a visit with Angel's aunt Julie, had a pleasant couple hours boxing the last of the last junk and visiting with Sarah & Joey in their new home, and got back to Elkmont in time for me to write this small book.

Notes from church:

There's an app for that: Faith
Romans 1:16-18

Wisdom is accepting by faith, God's sacrifice for your sin. Folly is leaning on your own spiritual resumé for your standing with God.

Jeremy gave a smashing breakdown of his favorite verses: Proverbs 3:5-6. This is a completely fog-clearing passage, for those times in life where you're just not sure where to turn next.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

The word for trust in the Greek here is "be secure". Trust/faith always leads to a transaction, and that transaction is the test *of* that trust. You can recommend a babysitter all over town, but until you hand over your child, no trust has been given.

The Lord in this verse refers to the name Jehovah - the all-encompassing God. Trust/faith always has an object. Jeremy told of a cemetary plot where a full size Harley Davidson had been carved from granite and put as a memorial to a man. It was obvious from that headstone what this man had put his life's trust in. But if we honestly look at ourselves, oftentimes we can find something just as absurd that we lean on for our own identity. Things, people, occupations, sports, money...any of these and more can take God's place. Yet, any of these things will fail at some point or another. People let us down. Things fall apart. Jobs are lost. The economy crashes. Health fails, etc. God is the *only* one who will never abandon or fail us. Our faith is the confidence that God is who He said He is, and that He will do what He said He will do. If I lost everything I have and everyone I love, my life will not fall apart, because my foot is set on a rock that will not move. I pray each of you can say that, also.

2 Timothy 1:12, Hebrews 1:1-3

The Hebrew used throughout Scripture for 'heart' in this context is literally "the seat of decision". Our choices define our trust. Are we making conscious efforts to trust God, or do we just give Jesus a high-five now and then. "Yeah, God!" Trust/faith is putting all our eggs in Jesus' basket. God doesn't give a Plan B in Scripture. Jesus is THE way, truth and life! In 1519, when Cortez sailed to Mexico, there was excitement and fear from the men. When they landed and unloaded the ships, Cortez went back and burned all 11 ships so they would have no backup plan, no "well, if it doesn't work out, we can always go home." How many kids tell their parents "I'm going into the ministry!" only to have mom & dad reply, "okay, but make sure to take some extra courses in case it doesn't work out." God doesn't ask a lot from us: He asks everything of us!

Lean not on your own understanding. We acknowledge that ultimately, Jesus will run our lives better than we can. Our skills and knowledge are limited, and His are not. Trust/faith means falling on Christ, not leaning on Him. Ephesians 2:8-9.

In all your ways acknowledge Him. Have a relationship with God...let Him speak to you through His word, then pray in your words. It's just like any other relationship: communication (communion!) is everything. Trust/faith leads to greater levels of relational intimacy...and not *only* with God: it will spread to other areas of your life as well!

He will make your paths straight. We often think of this as our happiness level. Things are going well = God's looking out for me. Life is terrible = God hates me or is turning His back on me because of something I did/failed to do. But this *actually* refers to our *holiness*. God will set us apart, making it ever easier to grow in Him. The rest will follow.

With Love

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

January 2012

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