Jan. 9th, 2012

lsdiamond: (RoseTat)

Well, the "official" defriending has happened. Stings as much as I thought it would...I guess in my mind, she already had.

 

Spent time with one of my oldest friends last night. She was totally plastered, so the majority of the conversation was her drunkenly telling me what a good person I am, and giggling over things I barely remember from our teen years. She got sober enough after awhile, though, to tell me that she's been worried about me & Angel...for about 3 months now. Like, can't get it off her mind worried. Which is interesting, because I thought we were doing better than we had in years. And she told me about this shield I always have up around me, and how there are only ever these glimpses in to who I really am. The shield is absolutely there; I've had it up so long, I dont even notice it. She said it's because my brothers and I have for our entire lives vied for some - any - kind of recognition, praise, acknowledgement of any kind - from our parents. She's, sadly, so right. They did their best by all of us; there was always food on the table, and they raised us as people of faith. But Desi says they created 4 brilliant monsters with us, and that our parents are afraid of us. Which also makes sense. Dad is an adult child, and mom is a very Beta personality.

 

So, came back to the hotel, had a very long discussion with Angel, and have learned that...he's only been staying with me because he had nowhere else to go...for like 2 years now. And no money for divorce fees of course. I don't pay attention to him, like...at all. I work, talk to my friends to escape, read, but have been so wrapped up in both the depression and the frustration of being around my family 24/7/365, that it's never occurred to me just how far gone he's been.  I'm in awe of my own cluelessness. He's been on the back burner so long that I assumed he liked it there. He's always liked his space, or said he did. The ways he's complained about wanting to change, I've encouraged, but he's taken it as, "yeah, get some exercise, fatass." But the ways he takes care to present himself, I get fed up with because they aren't important to me.

 

I've always been the pursuer, except in abusive (toward me) relationships. And I just learned that I conquer and move on. What a fantastically loving character I've turned out to be. Who knew I was the abuser?

 

Bull in a china shop...I don't take care of the people (or things) around me. I enjoy them, but inevitably wind up breaking and damaging...never beyond repair, but any break is too much.

 

I miss her so much. I'd give so much to go back just a few months and return to being two friends who knew their place. But she's gone, and it's my fault. I'm making concentrated efforts toward Angel...but don't know how well that will end up at this point, either.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

January 2012

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