BAH

[lsdiamond]

I really don't know what's going on right now. Things between me and +Kyle seem to be going better, but there's still some tension. It's largely from him directed at me: I've changed in some ways, and he doesn't like or understand it. For the most part, I've learned to be true to myself. I have changed styles many many times since being a teenager, and every time it fit me for that time, for the most part. There was always something missing, though. So now I find myself in a new phase, and it fits me for now, and I like it. Everyone likes it, except +Kyle. I feel bad for him, but it's who I am right now. It's how I express myself. I'm sorry that he doesn't like it, but I won't pretend anymore. I can't be someone I'm not, because it just kills me to do so. Maybe it's wrong of me. I don't know, and really, I don't know if I care.

I've taken to washing my face as soon as I get home, or at least before he gets home from school, since I know he doesn't love the whole goth thing on me. It makes me feel a little like I'm once again succumbing to others' desires instead of being true to myself, but I can deal. It makes him happy, and believe it or not, that's still important to me. I still wear it out, and will continue to do so for however long this phase lasts. I wish he would accept that I'm happier this way for now, but if not, again, I can deal.

A week or so ago, we had a talk during which he asked if, were he to ask me now if I'd marry him, would I still say yes? I said I'd have to think about it. Naturally, he got upset over that, and I can certainly understand his feelings, but I thought we were being totally honest with each other now. I'm not the girl he married, and Oklahoma has been the major contributor to that. From day one, I have been in a situation I wasn't built for - to be the breadwinner, and to be 99.9% independent. +Kyle wouldn't be around much, and wouldn't have time for a 'real' job, we'd have no friends to start out, and family would be accessible only over the phone or online. No more Friday nights at the 'rents house...No more Sunday dinners...No more visits with beloved Pam & Maalac...

So I've had to learn to survive without much support. Yes, we've made friends over this time, and yes +Kyle's been around some, but let's face it - it's mostly just been me taking care of things. What I'm built to do is to adapt. With issues like +Kyle being unsupportive for so long in my weight loss, I learned for the most part to just do as I pleased, since he wasn't going to be helpful in my decisionmaking anyway. Having learned to get along without people in general has also taught me that I don't really need a man in my life. I love +Kyle, and I want him in my life, but if tomorrow he were to decide that he didn't care about our vows anymore and left, I know I could get by.

So tonight I found out that +Kyle's really truly happy with my size now...but...he'd like my stomach toned more as well. Granted, I would too, but I'm going to need surgery to do it. Exercise and the loss of fat can only do so much - there's skin to contend with as well, and since I was as I was for years and years, there's not a whole lot of elasticity left. I'm about as small as I'm going to get. No reason to stop working out, of course, but it's a little frustrating to learn this from him. I mean, for years it was always, "I love you...you're beautiful the way you are...", etc. etc..., and now all of a sudden it's "Well, this is nice, but can't you go a little further with it?" It makes me fearful of what's going to happen when I get older and start to lose this look we've both come to enjoy. I don't expect him to stop loving me or anything, but is he going to stop finding me attractive someday when we're old and inevitably the lbs. start to creep back on?

Sigh.

What else? That bloody mutt. I am so sick of Washu it's not even funny. She's too big for this house, takes up so much time and she needs way too much attention. There's only room for one needy person in this household, and I was here first. Selfish? Yeah, I admit it, but that's the way it is. She's loud, obnoxious, rowdy, expensive, and annoying. Worst of all, +Kyle is absolutely in love with her, and doesn't want to give her up. I can't ask him to give her back to Brian & Evelyn, because then I'll be the bad guy, and he'll resent me for the rest of our lives for 'making' him give up his dog. I don't think I resent him for wanting to keep her, but I honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore. She's so invasive, because she's "not just a pet, but part of the family". No. She's a big, stupid animal that chews on everything, and won't leave me alone. "Hon, she likes you." Well, if she likes me so much, she'll just have to figure out that I don't like her and nothing she does can *make* me like her. I don't like being jumped on. I don't like being licked - anywhere - I really HATE her PEEING on EVERYTHING because she thinks it's submissive. I'm not a dog! I don't find that appealing! I'm tempted to disable posts on this because I don't want people saying, "Well, you just don't understand ______ about dogs." I understand it perfectly; I just don't like it. A year ago, I thought it could be neat to have a wolfdog. Ten months ago I decided it really wasn't my cup of tea.

I can only hope that having her outside when we move will solve all of this, because I don't know if I can put up with her for 19 more years.