GothGeek's Musings

This morning was the first in as long as I can remember where I didn't wake up with an aching sense of loss and the feeling of "I don't belong here."

Neither did I wake with a feeling of "I am exactly where I belong", but it seems to be a step in the right direction. I have some sort of peace about the entire situation.

+Kyle feels he has been making all the efforts to change in our marriage, and I can't say I entirely disagree. I have made changes, yes, however, I realize that they have all been in the name of protecting myself from harm, rather than rebuilding something which was slowly being torn down by both of us in various ways.

The things I have undertaken..the job...the house...moving at all so that he could go to school...all those things *have* been for him, and in that I believe my resentment has not been entirely unfounded, though it is (without question!) inherently wrong.

The changes I've made in myself began as a sort of self-therapy, and eventually became a way to overdo that assertive independence I've come to enjoy, perhaps a little too much. Learning that they annoyed him so much only made me want to do them to a greater extent and degree. Yes, I've thought off and on about tattoos and piercings and whatnot over the years...since before I ever even met him... But learning he really didn't want me to have those things gave me a way to get a rise out of him. That was beyond wrong.

He sees me as rebellious, and I don't deny it. I *do* feel that I should be able to do as I please, even when it's not in my best interest. It's not good of me to feel this way, but I guess it goes back to what mom was telling me about people in relationships.

Dr. James Dobson presented this model to help understand an aspect of human behaviour. When two people are close and one begins to move away from the other for any reason, the other person peceives the growing apart as a loss and begins to become more dependent or demanding and moves closer. This can make the first person feel trapped or smothered and want to pull away even more. As you can see this can become an unbearable situation. It is not a judgement on a person's character it is just the way we often behave. The converse can also happen. One person may feel a need to have a closer relationship at a time when the other is not ready for it. The sense of being trapped can make the second person want to escape. It can become a vicious cycle.

I tried to explain this to +Kyle last night...don't know if he really got what I was saying, since I was upset and didn't really feel like talking. I hope my efforts were not in vain. I think we're moving forward again.

We sat on the couch after getting back from groceries and whatnot, and talked yet more. He pulled out 1 Cor 13 - the chapter about love bearing all things, etc.

4 Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; 5 it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8a Love never ends;

I really didn't want to hear it, but I know it's right. He admitted his faults in these different aspects of love, but reminded me of the ways he's tried to fulfill them as well. I did the same, but I don't remember if I actually SAID them, or just thought about them while he talked. He says that's what he means when he says he's still in love with me. I told him that, by that definition, I was still in love with him, too, but I just don't FEEL it. It's not in my heart, it's in the things I do. I miss feeling that. I don't get a rush from him walking into the room anymore, or when he comes up behind me for a hug, or when he says he loves me. I guess this is what happens when you get comfortable with someone, but it's a very *uncomfortable* feeling for me, who bases so much on emotion and reaction. It's like something's missing, and I hate that.

I can only imagine that this is why some people have kids. To try to get that feeling back, when it may or may not happen.

Regardless of all of this, he recognizes that he hasn't been the support I've needed, and admits to having been wrong in that. He said last night that he's here to take that burden off me. He apologized for never doing anything around the house. He said it always seemed like I was happy to do them myself, and he was just as happy to let me. He has always *said* to tell him if I needed him to do something, but this was the first time I've ever felt like he really meant it.

He told me he's my servant. I told him I don't want a servant; that's not going to make me happy, but he said, "Aren't we all servants, though?" That struck a chord, so I accept it in that light, but in that light alone.

I am no queen deserving of faithful service. It was not until the fateful inspiration yesterday that I was able to even DEAL with such a promise. I can look at it from only one position: I am a servant of God. One who would swear fealty to me is not truly sworn to ME, for I am unworthy of such a promise. But if that person serves me as I serve the Lord (not that I do it very well), they are indirectly in the service of the Lord also. This gives me opportunity to bring that person BEFORE the Lord, and to make intercession for them.

This is not to say that those are the only circumstances by which I can make intercession or bring someone to God's attention...but it is at least a way that I can deal with being told someone is my servant.

So I am to take a break of sorts. I must continue to work for the next two months, which I expected and never questioned. That's fine with me. But he said that if there's something that needs doing around the house, for me to ask him to do it. He might not get to it until after 9:00, when he gets back from school, but he will. He did the laundry today...even put it away until I realized what he was doing and went to help. He said I didn't have to, but I still have to make efforts to change. I still have to make amends. I still have to give 100%...or perhaps I should say, I have to give 100% from now on.

I admit to still looking at this from a standpoint of, "It should be obvious what needs doing - dishes in the sink, dog hair on the carpet, etc.", but moreso I appreciate the enormous pressure that's been lifted. I thanked him, told him I'd do as he asked...to ask when I need something.

It suddenly strikes me that perhaps I have been too prideful TO ask for this help. I've always thought it to be in the name of doing my job, but perhaps it's been pride this whole time and I never realized it. Whatever the motive, it's a change that's required of me, and I will make it.