How do you open up again?
Jun. 10th, 2004 06:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lsdiamondWe talked a lot last night and early this morning. Some things seem better.
Overall, though, I find myself in that same old place...I want to lock my heart away where it can't be touched...where I can't be hurt. I'm resentful of +Kyle for his demand yesterday, be it out of love or jealousy or control or righteousness or something else entirely. When we talked about it, I thought I was just upset, but...over the course of the day, and in spite of good progress, I think it's resentment about this one issue. Things were getting better between us for awhile there. I was starting to open up to him again when I thought he was opening up to me...accepting me for who I am now, and not demanding I be someone who is gone. I was getting closer to being in love with him when I thought he was beginning to understand me, or at least trying to.
Now I'm just inclined to again protect myself from getting hurt any more. I'm afraid to give *anyone* my heart ever again, because inevitably it gets broken...and so far +Kyle has the longest track record of doing so. One of these times it's going to shatter irreparably, and I'm pretty sure that will kill me. If not my physical body, then what is left of my spirit.
Sigh. My choices are as follows: Voice my consternation, but suck it up and do what he's said (which is what I've done), or continue to fight over this, even though it's a losing battle. Either way I don't see anything but more resentment coming as a result. Maybe I'll get over this, but it's going to be awhile.
A lighter, entirely unrelated post to follow...and then I think that killing some demons sounds like a good idea...DII time.
Overall, though, I find myself in that same old place...I want to lock my heart away where it can't be touched...where I can't be hurt. I'm resentful of +Kyle for his demand yesterday, be it out of love or jealousy or control or righteousness or something else entirely. When we talked about it, I thought I was just upset, but...over the course of the day, and in spite of good progress, I think it's resentment about this one issue. Things were getting better between us for awhile there. I was starting to open up to him again when I thought he was opening up to me...accepting me for who I am now, and not demanding I be someone who is gone. I was getting closer to being in love with him when I thought he was beginning to understand me, or at least trying to.
Now I'm just inclined to again protect myself from getting hurt any more. I'm afraid to give *anyone* my heart ever again, because inevitably it gets broken...and so far +Kyle has the longest track record of doing so. One of these times it's going to shatter irreparably, and I'm pretty sure that will kill me. If not my physical body, then what is left of my spirit.
Sigh. My choices are as follows: Voice my consternation, but suck it up and do what he's said (which is what I've done), or continue to fight over this, even though it's a losing battle. Either way I don't see anything but more resentment coming as a result. Maybe I'll get over this, but it's going to be awhile.
A lighter, entirely unrelated post to follow...and then I think that killing some demons sounds like a good idea...DII time.
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 04:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 04:17 pm (UTC)And there's hugs over here if you want them ... Aussie hugs! ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-06-10 05:15 pm (UTC)And I never pass up a chance for a hug, especially a Bundaberg Bear hug! ^_^ *hug*