lsdiamond | The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly...

DDRed for the first time in forever tonight. I've been so sore from work that I haven't felt like playing. Bleh. My muscles are getting used to being used all night, though, so tonight I was up to the challenge.

ENDLESS MODE COMBO: 325!!!

Muahahaha...

Yeah, I'm still on light mode. I need to finish the rest of the yellow songs with at least an A before I move on... My stamina is way up, though. I remember having a hard time getting up a single flight of stairs. It's been a long time since I noticed it, but the last time we were at the mall, the escalator was broken, and running up didn't wind me at all. I still can't run the .75 mile around our block, but it'll come.

The definition in my forearms is getting really noticeable, and my shoulders are starting to get some as well. My legs have looked great for awhile now, what with biking to work every day in Madill. I'm gonna have to do something with my abs and back to get that complete balance back, though. Pilates, maybe.

I need a punching bag or a sparring partner or something. I really enjoy punching my brothers in the upper arm when we're play-fighting, but they all whine now because I hit a lot harder than I used to. Wussies! Can't even take a girl hitting them in the arm. LOL!

What else to do tonight? It's almost 2:00, and +Kyle is going to be going to bed soon. I'm probably going to play some DII unless anyone is around and wants to chat. ^_^

+Kyle has agreed that he needs to get over the fact that I'm really enjoying this goth phase. He's going to try to get over it, which means I can still have fun with it on occasion. No, I don't intend to go all out with it all the time, but there are gonna be sometimes when I go out with friends or my brother, or even some nights at work. I'll continue to go without whenever +Kyle and I do stuff together, i.e. the mall, out for coffee, etc. Compromise...

The step backward comes in where we had a misunderstanding about my still being allowed to talk to a certain individual. I haven't been speaking to Scooter for quite some time now...separating myself from emotions and all... I've made real progress there, and +Kyle and I have been getting along better overall as a result, which was the entire point. Anyway, yesterday, I just happened to have sent him a 'hi how are ya?' type message, since it had been awhile, and we chatted for a few minutes about an anime he's watching called Witch Hunter Robin, another anime I discovered called Hellsing, and how his car is still acting up. He thinks it's the wiring and plugs, as they haven't been replaced in a couple of years.

So today +Kyle asks me how he's doing, and when the last time we spoke was. I was straight up, told him it happened to be yesterday, and just for the sake of being friendly. "I thought I told you I didn't want you speaking with him ever again," says +Kyle, and I can't even tell him what we talked about because he won't hear it. I told him was under the impression that, when I said I wasn't speaking to him *for now*, so I could separate myself from those feelings, that I'd still be friendly once in awhile, and +Kyle didn't object when I told him this, it was okay. Apparantly not. The last thing he had told me was that he didn't want me to have to give up any friends in spite of this, and wasn't going to make me. The decision to stop talking to Scooter for awhile was my choice, and I made it because it seemed the most healthy thing for all parties concerned. Maybe +Kyle changed his mind and just didn't tell me. *shrug*

He asked if Scooter had said anything more about his feelings toward me. He hasn't. The feeling that it's better to be just friends and separate ourselves from stronger emotions than to never be able to even speak again is mutual. He knows I'm not coming back, and he's fine with that, and hasn't continued to ask if I might change my mind. He's glad that +Kyle and I are working things out. He's encouraging me to go back to school. He's got a good 4-6 years of school left, himself. It's a funny thing, but friends tend to be happy for each other when life is going well. Yeah, he misses going out with us and doing things like we used to. So do I...especially playing pool or going bowling. But he still gets out and does things, even if it's just gaming on Wednesdays, what with finals coming up. He's moving on, as I have had to do. No one knows what the future will bring, but we know and agree that it's neither healthy nor profitable to dwell on things that might have been. As Albus Dumbledore once said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams...and forget to live..."

+Kyle is the only one still holding onto the past, and he's punishing me for it. Yeah, there was a problem, but there isn't one anymore. I don't have to talk to Scooter every day, but I really think that saying 'hey' every couple weeks or so is a reasonable request.

+Kyle said today that anything that causes problems between us is going to be forbidden. He later admitted that he goes to extreme extremes, and recognizes that it's detrimental to our getting things sorted out between us. Maybe it's just me, but this really seems like another example of that. He's making efforts to stop doing those types of things. I just hope he understands how much being told that (after being told I didn't have to!) I have to stop talking to a friend even sporadically doesn't exactly endear him to my heart.

Oh but I forget. "He's not a friend. He never has been." If that's the case, then neither have I even been a friend to +Kyle.

So lost ground is gained, and ground thought stable is in fact lost. The actual tradeoff isn't worth it, although I'm grateful that +Kyle is starting to see things from a more rational standpoint. I hope...hope beyond hope...that he's willing to see that he is the only person still letting this affect him negatively. I have tried to explain it to him to no avail. He still reads this blog, so perhaps something written here will make more sense than anything I've said TO him. I'm pretty sure he's still reading my email, too, so maybe something will click eventually.

The only way this can affect me negatively is if I really do lose a friend. My friends are as good as family, and the ones that are worth holding onto for life, even moreso. I'd have the same reaction if he told me I couldn't speak with Des, Andrea, Brian, VJ, Nancy, cougar, Tipper, Alyce, or any of my other especially close friends.

Sigh. Okay, I'm through venting about that.

+Kyle and I talked about my job today. He's ashamed of it, and by extension, perhaps, me. He absolutely hates the fact that I work at "fucking Wal-Mart". He hates the fact that it's manual labour. His reasoning is that I'm better than that...more intelligent, more talented, and more skilled. I could be doing something "more worthwhile", and making more money doing it. He hates the shift hours, although he said he'd rather me work any other job with the same hours. He hates the company itself. He would shop at other stores if we were better off financially.

I explained, or tried to, exactly what it is that I am enjoying so much about this job. It's so easy. Physically, sure, it's hard work, but it's mindless. I don't have to think.

Anyone with a fourth grade reading level could do this job. Heck, anyone who can match labels can do this job. You don't have to be particularly skilled to work at The Dreaded Mart of Wal, although I don't think you could pass the CBLs if you can't read.

But back to the point... I like not having to think about work. I like not having to consider things like elements of design, or which font to use, or having to draw and re-draw something to get it just right, or editing graphics, or working photos for a bloody paycheck. My creative batteries have been spent for far too long, and they need a recharge. I've had moments of inspiration, and neither the time nor the energy nor even the will to do anything with my ideas. This has gone on for years. My list of creative projects is too long, and now I have a chance to pare it down and actually DO some of it.

First on the list is to complete this costume before Halloween. All that entails is building and covering the wing frame, and getting some fangs and coloured contacts. I think it'd be great fun to dress up and go out again this year...dunno what'll be playing, but I bet some of the clubs in town will have costume parties. It's not exactly a medieval theme, but I'd love to wear it to the RenFaire this October. There are plenty of fantasy-themed costume-wearers there. Not only that, but there are conventions coming up, and with any luck we'll be able to go to some of them. There's always a costume contest.

So yeah...it's not much to complete for one project, but I haven't had the inspiration to finish it until now. Now all I need is the resources. Guess what you need to have for those kinds of resources? A JOB!

Yeah, there are no doubt better places to work. There's always something better out there, somewhere, no matter the subject. But the pay is decent, the benefits are great starting out, and only get better as you go, and the company is founded on solid (Christian!) principles. No, Sam Walton didn't beat his employees over the head with a 10 lb. King James, but the basic principle of the company is to respect others, and lead by being a servant. It's no wonder the chain has been so very prosperous...you don't get much more Christlike than by having that kind of attitude. Yeah, they've run a lot of small businesses out of town. They've bought a lot more businesses out. Sure, there's a lot of inter-company propoganda, look how great a company we are, and aren't you glad you work for us, but the proof is in the pudding, as they say.

For now, I'm not only grateful to have a job at all...I'm incredibly thankful for everything about it. I love the work. I love the hours. I love the people with whom I work. I explained all of this to +Kyle, and I think he got what I was saying, for the most part, but he doesn't really care. It's one more thing that's not good enough for him.

But for now, I'm going to play a little more DII and get to bed around 8:00. We're supposed to go over to mom and dad's this afternoon to play Mechwarrior clix with the boys, have dinner and go to church...dunno in what order, though.