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lsdiamondToday's been an interesting one.
We've been seriously going through all our junk this week. There's just so MUCH that we never use, unfinished projects, and general clutter. For instance, I have this mass collection of several hundred audiocassettes - all recorded from the radio, my own compositions, old time radio progams, etc. It came to me that if I download MP3s of all this public domain music, I could fit about 13-15 cassettes worth of music on one disc. Boy that'd be a reduction of space!
So the first tape I pulled out today was one from the mid '90s. Mostly stuff recorded from Rick Dees' top 40, but a few others mixed in from who knows where. Here's the playlist:
"High Energy Mix"
4 Non Blondes - What's Up
Gina G - Just A Little Bit
EMF - Unbelievable
Republica - Ready to Go
No Mercy - Where Do You Go
Danny Elfman - Gratitude
Los del Rio - Macarena
Robert Miles - One & One
Jock Jams - Pump Up the Volume
Baha Men - Back to the Island
Adam Ant - Wonderful
Boys II Men - Water RUns Dry
INXS - Need You Tonight
Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf. Rio, Ordinary World, Come Undone
Now if that isn't an eclectic mix, I don't know what is. ^_~
Seriously, though...I really don't get into the techno/house/dance mix stuff anymore, but this really made for a fun listen today. When these songs came out, I was still struggling under a deep 2-year depression. It's no wonder I fed on the energy from these songs like I did.
In the early days, I basically decided that God hated me, having lost many people in a short amount of time, and so He (in my mind) certainly was no reason to get up. I was bored out of my mind with school, and frustrated too. My mother was depressed all the time, so I was often the one to keep the house clean, make sure my brothers did their schoolwork and ate, etc. I was always tired from that, and depression only made it worse. Being 14 or 15, I didn't see eye-to-eye with my parents, and my mom's depression of course coloured that further - my dad having to deal with that didn't help either. My three younger brothers were annoying, so my entire family was no reason to get up. The fact that none of them realized I was so depressed didn't help. I don't know if I felt unloved or just unnoticed. Math has never been my strong point, and my mind just couldn't grasp even basic principles in algebra at this time. School was no reason to get up. I didn't even try during that time. I don't know how I wound up with enough gradepoints to graduate.
But always there was music. I talked to DJs a lot during my teen years. That's pathetic, I know, but it was something. This was before MP3s, so I had all these tapes, and always a walkman with me. I had friends, but I don't think anyone knew really what to do with me. This was when I was first starting out on the internet, and I was growing away from my RL friends in other ways as well...probably because I never really wanted to do anything.
I used to cut myself.
Sometimes I still want to.
It was never very bad, really. I only drew blood a few times, and even then not much. That's something, because the skin on my wrists is so thin. I remember the first time. I had one of those magnetic strips from a CD that I'd cut open with scissors. There's a really thin flexible metallic strip in those, and it was my first tool. Those thin strips are very sharp. The first time I bled a little. Tiny drops marked the perforation on my skin. It felt really good...a lot better than the nothing I always felt then. I did it for the pain more than for the blood..like I had to be punished for something. Mostly, though, because it was something to feel at all. I used all kinds of things. Knives, cut up soda cans, my fingernails, whatever.
It really is a drug, you know. When you experience pain, the body makes these hormones called endorphines (Adrenaline is one), so you get this rush from it. It's why you feel light-headed after a car accident. It's why even though your skin is welting up around this jagged pink line, you feel good inside your head.
I had suicidal thoughts fairly often. I always "chickened out" though. Not that suicide isn't the coward's way out, but I was more afraid of how everyone would react if I did that. I envisioned all the different ways I would do it, but always came back these thoughts of my family. Mostly my unrealistic views of "If I die, who will do the dishes?" but the point made itself enough, I suppose. And even feeling about God the way I did, I still believed in hell...I still believed suicide was the murder of self, and thus a 'do not pass go' ticket to hell...so I guess I did have some strange twisted form of faith even then. At any rate, I never killed myself...just found a lot of excuses to wear long-sleeved shirts. (Thank goodness for the grunge era.)
It's more or less safe now.
I found out somehow that my mom had been cutting too. She didn't know I did, but she had joined some online support group. I joined it too under an alias. We talked to each other there. A lot of people talked to me there.
This was about the time I really started talking with +Kyle (who most of you know I'm now married to - that was his chat nick.) So now I had this long distance relationship that made me more depressed. But, I knew he didn't like what I was doing, so I tried to get out of it. The group helped a lot. I remember Wall, and Yaffa and RK and Paneklr and llama. I wonder how they are now.
The group is how I told my mom. I wrote a letter telling about how I needed to leave, but how I knew my mom was on the same group. I told about my need to meet +Kyle. I said enough that she would know. We talked for real after that. She was getting better and so was I, although these were wounds that would take years to heal, and even now come back to haunt me...and probably her too.
I guess I'm just a needy person...codependant or something. #_# I dunno, but I'm thankful that everyone got out of that mess alive. I would have missed out on a lot.
We've been seriously going through all our junk this week. There's just so MUCH that we never use, unfinished projects, and general clutter. For instance, I have this mass collection of several hundred audiocassettes - all recorded from the radio, my own compositions, old time radio progams, etc. It came to me that if I download MP3s of all this public domain music, I could fit about 13-15 cassettes worth of music on one disc. Boy that'd be a reduction of space!
So the first tape I pulled out today was one from the mid '90s. Mostly stuff recorded from Rick Dees' top 40, but a few others mixed in from who knows where. Here's the playlist:
"High Energy Mix"
4 Non Blondes - What's Up
Gina G - Just A Little Bit
EMF - Unbelievable
Republica - Ready to Go
No Mercy - Where Do You Go
Danny Elfman - Gratitude
Los del Rio - Macarena
Robert Miles - One & One
Jock Jams - Pump Up the Volume
Baha Men - Back to the Island
Adam Ant - Wonderful
Boys II Men - Water RUns Dry
INXS - Need You Tonight
Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf. Rio, Ordinary World, Come Undone
Now if that isn't an eclectic mix, I don't know what is. ^_~
Seriously, though...I really don't get into the techno/house/dance mix stuff anymore, but this really made for a fun listen today. When these songs came out, I was still struggling under a deep 2-year depression. It's no wonder I fed on the energy from these songs like I did.
In the early days, I basically decided that God hated me, having lost many people in a short amount of time, and so He (in my mind) certainly was no reason to get up. I was bored out of my mind with school, and frustrated too. My mother was depressed all the time, so I was often the one to keep the house clean, make sure my brothers did their schoolwork and ate, etc. I was always tired from that, and depression only made it worse. Being 14 or 15, I didn't see eye-to-eye with my parents, and my mom's depression of course coloured that further - my dad having to deal with that didn't help either. My three younger brothers were annoying, so my entire family was no reason to get up. The fact that none of them realized I was so depressed didn't help. I don't know if I felt unloved or just unnoticed. Math has never been my strong point, and my mind just couldn't grasp even basic principles in algebra at this time. School was no reason to get up. I didn't even try during that time. I don't know how I wound up with enough gradepoints to graduate.
But always there was music. I talked to DJs a lot during my teen years. That's pathetic, I know, but it was something. This was before MP3s, so I had all these tapes, and always a walkman with me. I had friends, but I don't think anyone knew really what to do with me. This was when I was first starting out on the internet, and I was growing away from my RL friends in other ways as well...probably because I never really wanted to do anything.
I used to cut myself.
Sometimes I still want to.
It was never very bad, really. I only drew blood a few times, and even then not much. That's something, because the skin on my wrists is so thin. I remember the first time. I had one of those magnetic strips from a CD that I'd cut open with scissors. There's a really thin flexible metallic strip in those, and it was my first tool. Those thin strips are very sharp. The first time I bled a little. Tiny drops marked the perforation on my skin. It felt really good...a lot better than the nothing I always felt then. I did it for the pain more than for the blood..like I had to be punished for something. Mostly, though, because it was something to feel at all. I used all kinds of things. Knives, cut up soda cans, my fingernails, whatever.
It really is a drug, you know. When you experience pain, the body makes these hormones called endorphines (Adrenaline is one), so you get this rush from it. It's why you feel light-headed after a car accident. It's why even though your skin is welting up around this jagged pink line, you feel good inside your head.
I had suicidal thoughts fairly often. I always "chickened out" though. Not that suicide isn't the coward's way out, but I was more afraid of how everyone would react if I did that. I envisioned all the different ways I would do it, but always came back these thoughts of my family. Mostly my unrealistic views of "If I die, who will do the dishes?" but the point made itself enough, I suppose. And even feeling about God the way I did, I still believed in hell...I still believed suicide was the murder of self, and thus a 'do not pass go' ticket to hell...so I guess I did have some strange twisted form of faith even then. At any rate, I never killed myself...just found a lot of excuses to wear long-sleeved shirts. (Thank goodness for the grunge era.)
It's more or less safe now.
I found out somehow that my mom had been cutting too. She didn't know I did, but she had joined some online support group. I joined it too under an alias. We talked to each other there. A lot of people talked to me there.
This was about the time I really started talking with +Kyle (who most of you know I'm now married to - that was his chat nick.) So now I had this long distance relationship that made me more depressed. But, I knew he didn't like what I was doing, so I tried to get out of it. The group helped a lot. I remember Wall, and Yaffa and RK and Paneklr and llama. I wonder how they are now.
The group is how I told my mom. I wrote a letter telling about how I needed to leave, but how I knew my mom was on the same group. I told about my need to meet +Kyle. I said enough that she would know. We talked for real after that. She was getting better and so was I, although these were wounds that would take years to heal, and even now come back to haunt me...and probably her too.
I guess I'm just a needy person...codependant or something. #_# I dunno, but I'm thankful that everyone got out of that mess alive. I would have missed out on a lot.
