How do you open up again?

We talked a lot last night and early this morning. Some things seem better.

Overall, though, I find myself in that same old place...I want to lock my heart away where it can't be touched...where I can't be hurt. I'm resentful of +Kyle for his demand yesterday, be it out of love or jealousy or control or righteousness or something else entirely. When we talked about it, I thought I was just upset, but...over the course of the day, and in spite of good progress, I think it's resentment about this one issue. Things were getting better between us for awhile there. I was starting to open up to him again when I thought he was opening up to me...accepting me for who I am now, and not demanding I be someone who is gone. I was getting closer to being in love with him when I thought he was beginning to understand me, or at least trying to.

Now I'm just inclined to again protect myself from getting hurt any more. I'm afraid to give *anyone* my heart ever again, because inevitably it gets broken...and so far +Kyle has the longest track record of doing so. One of these times it's going to shatter irreparably, and I'm pretty sure that will kill me. If not my physical body, then what is left of my spirit.

Sigh. My choices are as follows: Voice my consternation, but suck it up and do what he's said (which is what I've done), or continue to fight over this, even though it's a losing battle. Either way I don't see anything but more resentment coming as a result. Maybe I'll get over this, but it's going to be awhile.

A lighter, entirely unrelated post to follow...and then I think that killing some demons sounds like a good idea...DII time.

Game Night

Well, we went to the rents' house tonight for dinner and Mechwarrior clix with the boys.

Any evening with my brothers promises to be amusing, because we are all completely insane. Quotes follow:

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Noel: Your nose is too big to be Xellos.
Alistair: Yeah, well your ugly is too big to be ANYTHING!

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Ian: Sometimes Pocky is just Pocky.

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Noel: The best things in life are Glico.

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On being attacked:
+Kyle: If you continue in your current course of action, you will live to regret it!
Noel: Boring! Let's fight!

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On Pocky:
Noel: I need a 'G'.
Alistair: This is the last one. Here, you can have half (meanwhile breaking the stick).
Noel: I don't want half; that's losery.
Alistair: Then you can have less than half! (throws him the smaller piece)

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We use pennies to mark which pieces have taken a turn so we can click the heat dials as needed. +Kyle picked up three or four and tossed them at Ian.

+Kyle: I'm throwing money around like it's candy.
Me: Oh yeah? (Tossing a piece of Pocky across the table) Well I'm throwing candy around like it's money!

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Noel: When would I be stupid and -- (everyone burst out laughing)

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On our considering dressing up as a party from The Slayers for the next anime convention. First Ian said +Kyle should be Red Priest Rezo, and the conversation deteriorated from there:
+Kyle: Let me be the invisible man. The mute invisible man, so you can just pretend I'm there and I can stay home.
Ian: +Kyle can be the deaf mute blind invisible man who has lost his sense of touch and smell!

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On Christopher Walken
Ian: Beware of the Anti-Walken!

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Someone requested that someone write a haiku about killing oneself, and I started to, but +Kyle asked that I don't, so I changed it to being about killing someone else:
I wish you would die.
I will shoot you in the head.
Ha, ha. I killed you.

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On 30+ year old people who live with their mothers:
Alistair: ...and if I do live with mom, it will be because I have a failed art career!

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On Super Mario World 3:
Noel: Half the fun of that game is playing it!
Me: Only half?

Memage stolen from featherypony

Meme of coolness stolen from marzipan9!

Here's how to play...

1. Take your LJ username and replace each letter with the corresponding number (A=1, B=2, etc...). If your name contains numbers, you'll need to convert them to letters first before you can convert to numbers.

A 1
B 2
C 3
D 4
E 5
F 6
G 7
H 8
I 9
J 10
K 11
L 12
M 13
N 14
O 15
P 16
Q 17
R 18
S 19
T 20
U 21
V 22
W 23
X 24
Y 25
Z 26

lsdiamond
12 + 19 + 4 + 9 + 1 + 13 + 15 + 14 + 4 = 91

2. Add all of the numbers together to create a kind of super number.

91

3. Make a note of the first digit of this number, then add the digits of the number together.

9, 10

4. Find the post of this number in your LJ. If you don't have that many posts, add the digits together again. Keep doing so until the number is smaller than your pathetic number of posts.

Post #10, January 20th, 2002

5. Take the digit you noted in step 3, and count that many words into the post.

Sometimes

6. Use the resulting word in a Google Image Search, and select a picture from the first page.

( Sometimes )

Recently Enjoyed

We watched Spriggan the other night.

Think Raiders of the Lost Ark meets Stargate meets Akira (sortof), and the story is about Noah's Ark and the destruction of humanity.

They didn't actually call the effects of the Ark the firmament, but it was the most interesting take on it that I've heard yet.

It's very cool; I highly recommend. Even the English dubbed version is fantastic, and you know what a purist I am.

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I need to come up with some sketches of this character I've created, Mukanshin Ririsu... Am thinking a short series of Flash animations with sound would be too too funny. We came up with some other amusing ideas last night, but I don't want to say anything yet, lest someone swipe my diabolical plans! Muahahaha...

Time for Bed

Well, I have work tonight, although I shouldn't be going in until midnight due to some overtime. I'm debating trying to stay up for a couple more hours, but I won't have dinner ready when +Kyle gets back from work if I do that.

I need to stay on the proper schedule, really...it'll do me no good to be up too late tomorrow, when I *do* need to be at work on time.

Later later

Enuff'zenuff

Ryan wants to be the only one to make me happy, yet still seems bent on
making sure I don't do anything he doesn't like, regardless of whether or
not it makes me happy. My style isn't good enough for him. (It 'repulses'
him. I like the way it looks, and it's fun.) My job isn't good enough for
him. (I'm 'better than that'...never mind that I enjoy the work *and* the
hours.) My desire to
go back to school isn't good enough for him. (He hasn't actually
discouraged me from going, but always says how we can't afford it, and how
it's more time away from him). My friends aren't good enough because
they're not like us. (Many of them aren't Christians, and have worldly
views...but I seem to attract those kinds of people, and they tell me it's
because I'm a light. I do my best to witness to them through example,
although I fail consistently.). I'm not good
enough for him. (I could be more physically fit; I don't want sex enough to
suit him.) Frankly, I think that when he says he wants to make me happy, he
means in bed.

I really am still going back and forth about staying with him. We do fine
for several days, then one of these major issues that KEEPS coming up comes
up, we fight, and it starts all over again. None of our real problems are
getting resolved. Perhaps if we were both willing to give in on some
things, but we're both so stubborn and don't want to give in. I'm tired of
always being the one to give in, and he tends to be spoiled and pouty when
he doesn't get his way. We both want what we want, and don't want to lose
any ground for the other. We're not being loving toward each other at all,
but neither of us seems to care much about that because we're so busy being
upset about not getting our way.

So what to do? I've posited my potential solutions, and he's knocked them
all down. Moreover, he's started putting his foot down about things, and
says it will continue if things keep causing problems between us. I have to
wonder who else he will forbid me from spending time with. What else that I
do, wear, say, think, or feel, is he going to tell me I can't any longer?
He hasn't actually forbidden me from going goth, but he's totally
guilt-tripping me over it, and seems to enjoy doing so. And why wouldn't
he? He gets his way if he pouts enough.

I've had to learn not to step on other people's toes to make myself
happy...so when will people stop stepping on me just they can be happy?

I'm so tired of this shit.