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I'm growing more concerned that I'm the type of person who would take advantage of an affair if given the opportunity. This concerns me greatly, as it goes against everything I believe and want.
1) I'm flirty by nature. I enjoy having meaningless fun with people, especially the opposite sex. It feels great being given attention by a guy.
2) I develop crushes in no time at all. It's so easy to fall for someone who's just gorgeous, or fun to be around, or who seems to connect with me on some level...especially if that level isn't met by +Kyle. (Usually some little piddly useless thing like a more similar taste in music - something we can talk about.)
3) I've been having more and more dreams about 'other men'. I want them to be an extension of my relationship with +Kyle, as is suggested by most dream dictionaries, but they feel like a wish of replacement. We're moderately affectionate with each other, but in dreams it's different - it feels more pleasant and desireable. They give me a false sense of the grass being greener.
4) Since losing half a person in size, I receive MUCH more attention from guys. They notice me; they smile at me; they are friendlier toward me; they wave. I know they don't know me, don't care about me, don't love me, and only pay attention because I'm cuter than I used to be. But the pleasure of knowing that someone finds you physically attractive is a powerful and deceptive spell. I love the feeling I get from a cute guy flashing a smile at me, even though I will probably never see him again or even know his name.
Some of these things are irrational... For one thing, +Kyle has always found me attractive, even when I was so heavy. I always had a hard time believing that - not that I didn't believe him...I just didn't believe it myself. I was ugly to myself...hideous, really, and ashamed of it. I couldn't believe that *anyone* could find the thing in the mirror beautiful. But we go back to that "inner beauty" crap that has always annoyed me so.
There were times when I told myself that he only thought I was a beautiful person inside, that no one could ever find me physically attractive. I found that easier to believe, but it undermined him, and certainly didn't help my self-esteem any.
Now that I'm much thinner, I feel better about myself, overall. Once we had a short conversation about the matter:
Me:
Are you okay with all this? I mean, do you like me better this way, or did you like me better before?
Him:
Well, are you happier this way?
Me:
Yeah, I really am.
Him:
Then I like you better this way.
So he's obviously concerned with my happiness. Love is definitely more important than that flash of electricity you get when you make eye contact with someone you like...but we used to get that electricity, and we don't anymore.
Still, there are the criticisms. He thinks I'm childish (and sure, in some ways, I am), he doesn't like it when I get cutied up or wear foofy pink things. It's the sort of thing that makes me want to do those things to embarass him rather than just because I like to.
Then there's me taking things too far...if I miss something on a dish, I can never do the dishes well enough to suit him, for instance. That's all me, but I don't know how to get out of that mindset....I'm just not good enough, no matter how hard I try.
I want to talk about it, but am not sure how to bring it up...just do it, I guess...but I'm afraid...
1) I'm flirty by nature. I enjoy having meaningless fun with people, especially the opposite sex. It feels great being given attention by a guy.
2) I develop crushes in no time at all. It's so easy to fall for someone who's just gorgeous, or fun to be around, or who seems to connect with me on some level...especially if that level isn't met by +Kyle. (Usually some little piddly useless thing like a more similar taste in music - something we can talk about.)
3) I've been having more and more dreams about 'other men'. I want them to be an extension of my relationship with +Kyle, as is suggested by most dream dictionaries, but they feel like a wish of replacement. We're moderately affectionate with each other, but in dreams it's different - it feels more pleasant and desireable. They give me a false sense of the grass being greener.
4) Since losing half a person in size, I receive MUCH more attention from guys. They notice me; they smile at me; they are friendlier toward me; they wave. I know they don't know me, don't care about me, don't love me, and only pay attention because I'm cuter than I used to be. But the pleasure of knowing that someone finds you physically attractive is a powerful and deceptive spell. I love the feeling I get from a cute guy flashing a smile at me, even though I will probably never see him again or even know his name.
Some of these things are irrational... For one thing, +Kyle has always found me attractive, even when I was so heavy. I always had a hard time believing that - not that I didn't believe him...I just didn't believe it myself. I was ugly to myself...hideous, really, and ashamed of it. I couldn't believe that *anyone* could find the thing in the mirror beautiful. But we go back to that "inner beauty" crap that has always annoyed me so.
There were times when I told myself that he only thought I was a beautiful person inside, that no one could ever find me physically attractive. I found that easier to believe, but it undermined him, and certainly didn't help my self-esteem any.
Now that I'm much thinner, I feel better about myself, overall. Once we had a short conversation about the matter:
Me:
Are you okay with all this? I mean, do you like me better this way, or did you like me better before?
Him:
Well, are you happier this way?
Me:
Yeah, I really am.
Him:
Then I like you better this way.
So he's obviously concerned with my happiness. Love is definitely more important than that flash of electricity you get when you make eye contact with someone you like...but we used to get that electricity, and we don't anymore.
Still, there are the criticisms. He thinks I'm childish (and sure, in some ways, I am), he doesn't like it when I get cutied up or wear foofy pink things. It's the sort of thing that makes me want to do those things to embarass him rather than just because I like to.
Then there's me taking things too far...if I miss something on a dish, I can never do the dishes well enough to suit him, for instance. That's all me, but I don't know how to get out of that mindset....I'm just not good enough, no matter how hard I try.
I want to talk about it, but am not sure how to bring it up...just do it, I guess...but I'm afraid...
