A Recurring Theme
Mar. 2nd, 2004 12:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lsdiamondPeople keep telling me to look out for myself first. I must not know how to do that, because when I try, all it gets me is someone (anyone) not happy with the way I do things.
I thought I was past this. I thought I didn't care what people thought of me anymore.
Mark came up to me a little while ago, not really reprimanding, just saying that some things have gotten shuffled around in the confusion of having a new ad manager, and that I need to be sure that if I don't know where something really goes, to just give it to him or Sherry. (Meanwhile, Sherry is running around, crazed, and back to her not-so-pleasant self, and making me very uncomfortable).
What was I supposed to do? One thing was admittedly my fault - I put it up on the board because I assumed it was ready to go. I know, never assume, but how many people actually think I'm thinking straight these days? I apologized.
He stopped and said, "It's okay. You really don't have to apologize; you didn't do anything wrong, we're just letting everyone know.
I just want to cry right now, but I can't. I have weeks of tears stuck in my throat, and they won't come. I'm dying inside. I wish +Kyle was here so he would just hold me on the couch, and maybe I could maybe get all this out of me.
But then he'd want to know what was wrong, and then what am I supposed to do? It's all always the same old things. Work. Dog. House. Stress. Missing family. My problems haven't changed, and I haven't learned to deal with them any better. Everything that is wrong today is the same that was wrong a year ago, and even two years ago, with one exception: Now we are getting ready to go home, and now I have friends here I don't want to leave behind...again... I want to pack everyone up with me and take them back. Micah and I are getting closer as we talk through emails. And Joanna, to a lesser extent. There's my beloved Vera Jean, and our new pal Scooter, who hasn't seen Evangelion yet, and tells me about music I'll probably like, and taught me how to two-step. Then there's all the people I like to just chat & hang out with on game nights and stuff.
I have so many friends, and the best family in the world, but I have never felt more alone.
I thought I was past this. I thought I didn't care what people thought of me anymore.
Mark came up to me a little while ago, not really reprimanding, just saying that some things have gotten shuffled around in the confusion of having a new ad manager, and that I need to be sure that if I don't know where something really goes, to just give it to him or Sherry. (Meanwhile, Sherry is running around, crazed, and back to her not-so-pleasant self, and making me very uncomfortable).
What was I supposed to do? One thing was admittedly my fault - I put it up on the board because I assumed it was ready to go. I know, never assume, but how many people actually think I'm thinking straight these days? I apologized.
He stopped and said, "It's okay. You really don't have to apologize; you didn't do anything wrong, we're just letting everyone know.
I just want to cry right now, but I can't. I have weeks of tears stuck in my throat, and they won't come. I'm dying inside. I wish +Kyle was here so he would just hold me on the couch, and maybe I could maybe get all this out of me.
But then he'd want to know what was wrong, and then what am I supposed to do? It's all always the same old things. Work. Dog. House. Stress. Missing family. My problems haven't changed, and I haven't learned to deal with them any better. Everything that is wrong today is the same that was wrong a year ago, and even two years ago, with one exception: Now we are getting ready to go home, and now I have friends here I don't want to leave behind...again... I want to pack everyone up with me and take them back. Micah and I are getting closer as we talk through emails. And Joanna, to a lesser extent. There's my beloved Vera Jean, and our new pal Scooter, who hasn't seen Evangelion yet, and tells me about music I'll probably like, and taught me how to two-step. Then there's all the people I like to just chat & hang out with on game nights and stuff.
I have so many friends, and the best family in the world, but I have never felt more alone.
