lsdiamond | Dream Tradeoff: A Bad One For A Good One

After having a pleasant dream yesterday, I guess it's inevitable that today's would be less enjoyable.

~~~~~

In this dream, I'm at my parents house. We're all just hanging out doing the family thing and visiting when Peggy calls me out of the blue. This is always a bittersweet event because she is a nice person who deserves better, but she always mentions +Kyle and how it's been X number of months since she heard anything from him. But I still care for her so I listen to all her latest non-news and update her on mine.

Finally she gets to the point, have I seen or heard from him. She is in denial at just how bad things were between us, and I don't blame her. No mother wants to hear that her son is a vile and loathsome creature. I always skirt this the best I can with, "Well, I don't live in Athens anymore, so I don't see many people from back then besides my folks, and Pam & Maalac sometimes." She usually accepts that.

But this time she's depressed, and pushes the issue. He hasn't called her in six months. She hopes he's not dead in an alley somewhere. I am overly patient with her this time, well beyond any comfort level, but she needs it.

Eventually she decides she has "bothered me long enough" and we hang up, to which of course Mom and Dad want to know who that was and why I was so tense.

The dream shifts a bit here. I'm in a large van rather like John & Julie's Previa, which is filled with piles, bags and hampers of dirty laundry. The lighting is dim but oppressive: evening in the summer. I'm driving into what would be Ardmore except that it looks like somewhere else. It's time to wash clothes for everyone. (Perhaps my parents' washer went out?)

At any rate, I get to the place and drive into the building that's no bigger than a garage. I can sense that he is there, but the only place to park is right next to his seat so that he is at my left. I never look at him, but in my periphery notice that he at first isn't sure if it's me, then realizes that it is. I pretend to be blissfully unaware, but am trying too hard to be believed. It still bothers me to see him.

Washing all those clothes takes a while in the tiny facility. Angel comes to help out or at least keep me company. I don't tell him who is sitting in the corner because we don't need the drama.

Eventually +Kyle gets through with all of his stuff and leaves; I'm not sure if it's because he sees I'm with someone else, or because of how Angel looks, or if he was just finished with his laundry. This is about when I wake up.

~~~~~

Sigh. The lack of closure on this whole thing just eats at me sometimes. But the type of closure I wanted then wouldn't have done any good, and I think it unkind to rub it in his face what a good life I have now that he's no longer involved in it. I think to myself if I ever saw him in Athens or Huntsville, how would I react? Would I ignore him or speak if he tried to say anything? I really don't know what the right thing would be anymore. Angel would want to give him a piece of his own mind if we ever saw him, but that's not right either. There is no excuse for any sin against God or against each other, but there is forgiveness despite.

I just don't know. What I *do* know is I need to call Peggy, send her a ton of pictures of Dorian, and spend a good long time talking with my Daddy today. He'll help me sort through all these difficult feelings.

Pray with me today.