The Talk

[lsdiamond]

Well, boy did WE get into it last night. I don't expect this is fully coherent, or in the proper sequence of events, but I'm running on about 3 hours' sleep, so at least I have an excuse. I don't pretend that the conversations logged are verbatim, either...they're all paraphrased to some extent.

Went to bed around 11:30ish, and talked first about whether or not this me moving ahead thing was really such a good idea. We eventually got to the point of, "Maybe two months apart would be good for us." (He said it.)

So I said, "Maybe. But what scares me is that it will be good for us. That we'll decide it's to our liking."

I asked what was going to happen when we moved. I was purposely vague in asking, and got the stock answers: We'll both work, get our schooling and other debts paid off...maybe it'll take 5 years if we're vigilant...etc. So I pressed with a more direct, "What's going to happen with *us*? What good am I going to be to you?" He was still on that, "Well, I will be taking care of our needs, so you'll just be paying down debt with your job."

Still not what I was looking for. I forget exactly what I asked, but he got it. "You're not happy with our marriage, again, are you?" More like, 'still', but yeah. That led to him asking what it is - exactly - that I'm looking for in a husband. "If you had $20,000 to complete your guy robot," he asked, "What would he be like?" I just don't have an answer for that. +Kyle's not a bad husband, really. The only answer I could come up with was, "Just someone who understands me."

Well, that tore it. "How can I understand you if you don't communicate with me?" That's a fair question, and didn't upset me. "It seems like you don't want me to communicate with you," was I think the essence of my reply. I told him to ask me exactly what it was he wanted to understand about me.

"Why body piercings?" Of all the things to ask first. I didn't laugh, but I wanted to. I just explained that it's something I've thought about for years...even since before we got married. Tattoos, too. I'm sorry that he wasn't privy to it, or didn't *see* that wild side of me back then, but it's always been there.

"So why makeup all the time?" I like it. Pure and simple. It's fun. It's a vice. "You LIKE painting your face to look like someone you're not?" I really tried to make him understand that it's not out of thinking I "need" it (as I used to believe!). It's just fun for me. I paint other things, why not me, too?

What got me was, he wasn't upset about the makeup itself...he's upset that it's become more frequent than "anniversary special". I mean *really* upset over it. Angry upset. He didn't yell, or anything, but his voice shook when he talked about it, and how "It. Is. Illogical.". I simply can't fathom that. I did explain to him that no, it *isn't* every day, and pointed out I hadn't been wearing it *around him* for his sake.

All this time, I have been under the impression that it was the "gothness" that he hated so much...because that's always what he spat out when he'd be in a mood about it. "Why are you wearing that goth crap all the time?" That kind of thing... Until last night, he has not once mentioned the 'specialness' factor of it.

Finally, finally, we got to the point that was really bothering him. At some point, he said he loved me, but I said what we both knew: he doesn't like me anymore.

"The girl I married was plain. Happy. Happy with me." He listed off a couple of other things, but I've forgotten them. It struck me that he doesn't realize that I have *never* been "plain". For as long as I can remember, I have always done things *to be different*. I'm not a follower. I'm a run-out-from-left-field-and-do-what-I-feel-like *individual*. I hated the thought of being "plain"! When I said at Halloween that I was an exhibitionist, I wasn't joking. How did he not see that all those years ago?

He said that who I am now is my fault, and I said, "Of course it's my fault. You've taught me that. Everything is my fault."

He stopped there, and came to a realization that he voiced. "Then I have made you who you are now. I killed the girl I married...the girl I loved. I said things I didn't mean in anger. I abused her. I treated her horribly, and she went away." I wanted to ask if he thought our vows were already broken, then, but didn't. He said he wanted to die, knowing this that he had done. I leaned against him, put my arm around him, and didn't say much. What could I say? That there had been times in the past when I had thought to myself that maybe it was a good thing that we didn't have forever? That the thought of losing him used to devastate me, but that now I realize I can make it on my own?

He cried a little, and eventually said, "My life is half over. I have 25, maybe 30 years left, at the most. What have I done with what I've already spent? I haven't brought this up in four years, but it used to upset you more than it is now."

I wasn't upset. I came to terms with the shortness of our time together long ago. I guess I got used to hearing about it back when we talked about it more. I'm sure he's brought it up since four years ago, but he's sure he hasn't. Doesn't matter. We both know we don't have forever...we've always known that.

He talked about how, the first 14 or so years of your life, you are expected to be a child. But then he talked about how, for the last 10, he should have been growing up, and hasn't. He said he knows he's been childish with me for all this time, to get the things he wants...whatever those might be. He said how I've helped him grow up so much...how he needs me to keep him growing up.

He went off on another tangent about various things - the house he wants for us...he wants to get good enough to join the Gunsmithing Guild, etc. He said he wanted recognition. He never thought he liked attention, but he's decided that he does. I agreed.

"When I was little, my mom made me take piano lessons from my grandmother," I began. "I hated them, because piano lessons meant recitals." He laughed, which was the reaction I was going for. "I hated recitals. I always did pretty well at them, but I hated having to be up there in front of everyone. But now...now I love attention. I crave it."

"What kind of attention? From who?"

"Everyone. I love it when people smile at me. I love making people smile...making them happy. I don't necessarily want to be lauded for things I do - although it's nice sometimes - but... I just like it."

We talked about interests.

"We're not alike. You don't like the things I do. I'm not as much into things that interest you anymore."

"Well, I like the anime. I raise my eyebrow at some of the music you listen to, but..." he shrugged. The other night when we went to that dance at MSC, I offered to take you out to one song, and you declined. You asked me to on another song, and I declined. When I found out how much that first dance meant to you, I thought you would want to again."

"I declined, because I thought you were just trying to do it to make me happy. You didn't really want to do it, you were just trying to satiate me. (Pacify might have been a better word here). I wanted you to want it. It doesn't mean anything otherwise." I think that what I am thinking here is that we don't have dancing. We never will. That's something special that another man shared with me. It's a bond +Kyle will never understand, and I accept that, although it makes things harder.

"But I still had fun with you that night," he said.

"You said you were bored out of your mind."

"But that's the kind of thing I like to do."

I can't think of a more dreadful evening than sitting on the sidelines watching people. I like to go out and party *with* them. He's a recluse. Granted (and I told him this) he's MUCH better about getting out and DOING things with PEOPLE, I still can't fathom his getting enjoyment at just sitting, watching, and listening. I'd rather be out there IN it.

We finally got back to the real question: What about us? I asked, "Half an hour ago or so, you were all, 'I made you who you are' and recognizing you don't like who I am, and that I'm not the girl you married, and that she's *gone*. So what happens to me?"

"Do you think she's really gone? Do you think she'll come back?"

"I don't know. Maybe, with time, and care, but I don't know that I want her to. The girl you married was sad. She hated herself. The only thing that made her happy was knowing that someone actually wanted her."

He denied all this, but I hope deep down he knows it's true. He has known my self-loathing, and tried to deal with it in various unsuccessful ways. I wanted him to be involved in my remaking, but he wasn't interested. He mocked instead of molded. It is no wonder I am not what he wants now - he had no part in rebuilding what had been broken.

We talked about MechWarrior, though. We'll put Washu up, lay some boards out on the bed, and set up landscapes and play some. It'll be better when we're back and can play with Gamegod and the boys, but we need practice. He mentioned DDR faceoffs, too. I know he doesn't love the game, but he enjoys it enough that I think this is a good thing.

"I'm fat." he decided.

"Yeah. So am I." I said.

He thought for a minute and said, "We talked about working out together. We're busy tonight and Thursday. How about Friday night we start?"

"Okay." I'll go for this. I haven't trained in about two weeks, which is a BAD thing, especially since I'm really loving the cuts that are once again emerging in my arms, especially. I do fine with self-motivation, but I haven't had it for awhile.

We didn't say anything for awhile. I turned around, my back to him, and just thought. I don't know what to feel about all of this. I'm glad he wants to make an effort, but I have to admit to have felt some...relief?...at his previous mention of it maybe being time for us to call the game.

Eventually I spoke. I told him that all I've wanted to do for days is just cry, but the tears won't come. He pulled me over to him, holding me, and whispered, "I'm sorry."

The thing that upsets me now is that they still won't come.

I said, "If I tell you something you're not going to like, do you promise not to get mad at me?"

"I promise."

I waited a minute, because even after saying it, I still wasn't sure I wanted to tell him. "You know Saturday, when I told you I cut myself at work? That wasn't an accident. I didn't say it was, but I didn't emphasize what I meant, either. Frankly, I was surprised you noticed it at all, as often as I get hurt at work."

He hugged me and said, "I ususally notice glaring things like bandaids and bruises, don't I?" I nodded yes.

"Gamegod wrote a post about SI a couple of days ago. I didn't see it until after...but tomorrow you should go and read it. I think it would help you understand."

"I'll look it up. Let me see it."

I pulled off the bandaid and he tried to see from the moonlight, but couldn't, and just touched where it was.

"I cut a diamond into it."

He hugged me again. "My Diamond," he whispered. I used to love it when he called me that. Now I don't know how it makes me feel.

"I really wanted to cut a big one over my heart, but decided it would be too hard to hide from you."

He was quiet for a minute and said, "Let's get you a diamond tattoo."

I thought about that. "You don't want me to have one. And I don't really know if I want one, anyway." That's not a 'no'...but I doubt I will do it. It does help a little just knowing that he would put something like that aside if he thought I would like the result.

We got quiet for awhile, and I guess we eventually drifted off to sleep.

I still don't know what to think, or how to feel. I should be ecstatic that he's trying to understand me. I should be thrilled that he does care, and that he finally realized how broken I am, and that he wants to make them right, even if they can't be undone. I should be happy that he came to conclusions without my having to spell them out anymore.

Maybe I'm just jaded. Maybe I think that things won't really change...or that they will for a little while, and then just slip back to the old ways.

Maybe I gave up on us a long time ago and didn't even realize it.

...and I can't even cry about it.

Comments

[cougarkittyn.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[lipsy.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: That's a lot to go through in one night.

My boyfriend asked me recently "What happened to that happy girl who used to forgive everyone and everything?" "She changed. She grew up." I'm not the same as I was 5 years ago, and I plan on being different yet again in another 5 years.

Like my mom says - what's the only thing that you know will stay the same? Constant change.

Love you.

[lsdiamond.livejournal.com]

Sounds all too familiar! Who was it that said that to me the other day? Must have been VJ.

Love you too, Lipsy.. *hugs*

[saditymaus.livejournal.com]

No one ever stays the same, even if they insist that they do. We all change, and at our age group this is especially true. Part of the difficulty of getting married young is knowing this and growing together and understanding the differences that emerge in your loved one. It's hard, ranging from silly things to important ones. And sometimes the silly ones add up. Pavel and I got married young and it has been hard, but we are making it. It can be done and I do hope that you guys don't give up, at least not yet.

I know that I'm depressed (not just "sad" or "blue" but DEPRESSED) when I can't cry anymore. It's like I'm watching myself from a distance and I don't have a say in what I do or how I behave. It is something outside of me. In this I must do what I can do get better, like listening to my doctor. But the hard part is making myself listen when I already feel so disconnected.

[lsdiamond.livejournal.com]

Sounds familiar, Crystal... I'm definitely in that "from a distance" place right now.

Thanks for the words of encouragement - I know we will make it through as we always have...I just wish I *wanted* to right now.