I'm a dork...sue me...

[lsdiamond]

Okay, so on Thursdays it has become my tradition to do something fun with my hair. It's like a little bit of stress relief at work, and it gets smiles of genuine amusement - not deridement - from my co-workers. That little "You look adorable today" makes me feel good about myself, and lifts my spirits.

So I've got braids today, pinned up into loopy things by butterfly-decorated barrettes. The ends of the braids kinda stick out like little ponytails. Since my hair is so long, it's really cute (imo, and nearly everyone else's as well) with the mini-tails.

So I come home for lunch, and what is the first thing I hear?

"I didn't expect you to be home before I left. You look even dorkier with my contacts in. Why?"

"Because."

"...Because...why?"

"Just because."

Gosh, thanks. My "dear hubby" knows this is what I do on Thursdays. He has ribbed me about it on several occasions, but I think this was the first actual *insult*, and it cut deeply. The half dozen or so positive comments from friends at work are swept away by one stinging blow.

So he heads out the door to go to the laundromat. I took down the braids, and changed clothes (he had said something derisive about that *before* I left for work...), not expecting him to come back in. He did.

"Why'd you take them down and change?"

"Because they bother you so much. I'm tired of your negative comments."

"You've never said anything about it before."

"Well, I should have. I'm sorry I offend you so."

"Fine, be a child about it. I don't care"

Maybe my reaction is childish. I don't really care if it is. I think he's being the childish one. *shrug* Clearly he cares TOO much, if my doing something he doesn't even have to look at all day upsets him to this degree. Frankly, the whole thing makes me want to cut off most of my hair, dye it pink or something, and just go wild. He loves long hair, and dyeing it any 'unnatural' color would embarass him to no end. Mean, huh? Of course I won't do it. I like long hair, too. :PPP

What I really want to know is what has he been festering over this morning to set him off like that. He holds about a million little things in until one tiny last thing sets him off, and then he blows up...usually at me, because I'm usually the cause of that tiny last thing. Of course he apologizes later, but that doesn't undo the damage.

The scary thing is is how much *better* he's gotten since we got married. We had some dandy fights the first couple of years. Not many, but they were always big. Now we still don't have many fights, and they're usually small. Of course, we both have to be right.

I know that what I should have done is left it all in, up and on, held my head up and said, "Oh well!", but I caved. Why do I live trying to suit others? Why do their opinions matter so much to me? Why do I care what people think about me? Why is my self esteem so co-dependent? Why am I so easily shattered? Why are you still reading this?

Comments

[ex-myladysi.livejournal.com]

Spotci festers, too. Then, all of a sudden, gets upset about something totally stupid, and I have to try to figure out what it is that he is really mad at that he's been festering over for three days. ::sigh::

Sometimes when someone makes you feel ashamed, it's hard to just look them in the eye and keep things the way they are instead of changing your hair or outfit or whatever.

I had taken you off my friends list because at one point it had been months since you'd posted anything and figured you weren't coming back to LJ. I was sad. But, I am happy that you're back now! I just noticed that while cleaning up my friends list today, and so I added you back on, yay!

[summerglow.livejournal.com]

oh babe. Im reading it cause I still love you!

*sigh* our church here has "recovery" or whatever type meetings for people to get together and deal with their problems. One of the groups is co-dependents. too bad you dont live here....

(hugs)

[cougarkittyn.livejournal.com]

D, I've missed that you'd started posting again. *weeps* I was looking through my birthday alarm files tonight and saw that your birthday card was never read (due to it being sent to an OLD email addy) and decided to go looking for you. Regretfully, I had moved you off the "read" filter when you were gone for soooo long (which was REALLY dumb, cuz it's not like your posts were filling it up....). Anyway, I feel like the world's worst friend and hope that you can forgive me for neglecting you.

I love you, Sis.

Now... about this Kyle thing. Men are jerks. They treat us like shit. If you figure out the solution, lmk, k?

[brianspinkicker.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about your hubby's negative comments. It's so odd that we often treat strangers better than we do those closest to us, isn't it?

It seems to me that you are addicted to praise and support. It's easier to cave into other people's wants and needs, because you get an automatic acceptance from them. It's easy to do. The only problem with that is: your needs are not being met in the process. So yeah, hubby is happy when you don't dye your hair or restyle it, because that satisfies his desires and keeps him happy, so you get an automatic and quick fix from his immendiate happiness. However, you just sacrificed your own individuality and artistic expression by doing that. In the long run, that expression is what makes you truly happy.

So how do you get around it? First: be confident in who you are to be able to deal with any criticism, comment, or negative action that others do. (That may take some introspection...such as the stuff detailed in the first few chapters of Self Matters.) Next: get rid of that negative internal dialogue and replace it with something positive. Challenge ALL the negative things you say about yourself--nothing is sacred or absolute! Then explain to those who are close to you why you need to do what you do. Explain and be clear to them who you are. Sometimes it takes a while for them to get it. Sometimes it may take some negotiation to accept who you are if it conflicts with others. Then, after that, go out and do it! Get what you want without the guilt!

Be careful with dodging issues. It's important to maintain your emotional integrity in any kind of relationship. In other words, if you really have a reason for doing what you do, don't say "just because." Say, "I am doing this because..." etc. etc. Perhaps he really doesn't get it or knows what motivates you to do this on Thursdays.

I think this is explained somewhere in Self Matters...can't rememeber where tho. Dr. Phil actually had a 2-part show on self-esteem using tools in the book.