May. 22nd, 2004 11:56 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
So +Kyle came to me yesterday and said, "You're not happy with me, are you?"

I said I didn't know. I don't know. I should be. He's done everything he said he would, and things have turned out like he said they would. He got the job. He found us a place to live, with Ian's help. We got moved out here with relative ease. People are glad to have us back. He already says he hates his job, but he'll stick with it as long as he has to. It looks very good that I'll be getting work soon.

So what the hell is wrong with me? All these positive aspects, and I am still depressed over leaving. Of course, it's mostly only one person I miss enough to BE so depressed, but I have many twinges of sadness for the others, as well. It feels like part of me is missing. I guess it is, really, but for whatever reason I can't or won't let +Kyle fill it. But which is it - can't or won't? Probably the latter, just because I seem to be that awful of a person. Grieving for the loss of one over the gain of many. I wouldn't make a very good world leader.

But the point is, what is wrong with me? Why aren't I happy with what I have? Why can't I even be merely content with it? Don't I believe that what we have can be better, if we're patient and work with it? Moping around isn't helping things, but I don't know how to speed up the process and move on.

He told me to just take the truck and go because he's about had all he will take. I can't do that. What good would it do? He says I'd be happy, and he wouldn't have to put up with all this crap from me anymore. But he doesn't understand that I wouldn't be truly happy. Sure, the situation would likely be more enjoyable, and certainly easier, but with the decision overall, taking the easy way out, no...that wouldn't make me happy, either. So how do I become happy with +Kyle instantaneously, so he doesn't have to suffer? I don't know how to do that. Is it possible to control one's emotions, or only their reactions to the emotions they feel? I have great difficulty "making" myself act happy when I'm depressed. It's not heartfelt, so it's obviously fake.

He doesn't want to wait any longer on me to fall in love with him again - it's been over a month, and that should be long enough, to him...but I don't know how to do it at the drop of a hat. So what happens next? I am here. With him. That's a start. We couldn't start over very well if I were somewhere else. I'd hoped he would appreciate that, but perhaps that was silly of me to consider.

+Kyle's been telling me all sort of things he needs from me for weeks, but this has been one of those things I had to figure out on my own. Sometimes you can be told something over and over, and not get it until you've mulled it over for yourself.

I have to be a wife who loves her husband (and acts like it)...for real. The question is can I do it quickly enough to suit +Kyle before he finally kicks me out? We made some progress tonight, talking about several important aspects, and things seem better for now. I'm just afraid that if I screw up any little thing now, that will have been my very final chance. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me," after all...

We have been going back and forth with this for awhile now. One of us wants to fix things, and the other pulls away. Then it reverses. Back and forth. If we could just both want to fix things together, I'm sure things will work out. It seems like that's where we are right now.

I have to give this marriage everything I have, which is not a whole lot right now...I just hope it's enough.


May. 16th, 2004 07:42 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Well...we're here, in more or less one piece. The trip was a disaster. Over 18 hours of driving - should have been no more than 14 hours.

Friday, we got finished packing the van around 7:00 pm, then went to to meet Scooter at the Western Inn for one last conversation over coffee. We pretty much just talked about Neverwinter Nights, getting our systems up on Linux, and good old geeky stuff. +Kyle and I had dinner of omelettes. Their Denver omelette is pretty darn good. Two hours and 6 or 7 cups of coffee later (and that was just me), it was time to say goodbye. It was quick...but it couldn't have been any other way. We stood and held each other for probably too long, although I don't think either of us really wanted to let go. He shook +Kyle's hand, then pulled him into a hug, and went to his car, saying he'd see us around.

I didn't even make it to the truck before breaking down. +Kyle put his arm around me as we walked and finally said, "If you want to stay, this is your last chance."

"The van is packed."

"That doesn't matter."

I think I just shook my head...I don't even remember if I said anything. I just got in the truck and we drove out, and took the highway up toward I-40. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.

In doing this, I realize...or at least think I do...that leaving must be the right thing to do...because it was so damn hard. It's almost never truly easy to do the right thing. Not really. Even for so-called "good people". If it's easy...if it doesn't hurt...require some it really right? I've been called a martyr for saying things like this, but isn't it true, really? Staying would have been selfish...a hell of a lot easier than leaving, especially after the fight we'd had earlier that day...but selfish nonetheless. Is thinking like this being lost in self-pity? I don't think's just one of those things that keeps popping up.

I know that, had I stayed, a life would have been available. They'd have welcomed me back at the Record. I'd have had friends. I'd have gone to school - maybe not for the language, but MSC had some courses I'd have been interested in, and Ms. Coulter seemed like such a wonderful teacher. I'd have kept going to New Beginnings, and gotten involved with the people of that church. Most importantly to me, I'd have had a family - maybe not by blood, but certainly by agape.

So I just prayed. I took something Don said a few weeks ago, and prayed to be like Jabez. My name may not be a cursed name, and there are millions of people with harder lives than mine, but I asked blessing. I asked that this decision to leave behind that which I want, for sake of ease and all the rest, this decision to stay with +Kyle, knowing that the healing needed is going to take time and hard work and many many unpleasant be blessed. I'm not doing it FOR blessings. I made the decision to stick by him because it seems the right thing to do. But I asked them anyway, because I am so tired of being sad...of hurting... I don't think it's wrong of me to ask this, because Jabez did, and God blessed him just for asking.

I also asked Him not to make me wait too long for real happiness.

Somewhere around Vian, OK, (midnightish?) we stopped for a break at a Phillips 66. I went inside, got cleaned up from crying so much, and then went for coffee. Some cop had just finished at the counter, and he and the guy were talking. I got something like a 16 oz. cup, and went up to pay for it. The guy at the counter was probably around 45, maybe 6 ft. tall, greying, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt with a Harley logo. "Traveling?"

"Yep...long, long drive..."

He just looked at me for a second, then said, "Are you a biker? Leather...all the black...chain wallet..." He smiled.

"No...this is just me..." I smiled a little.

I pulled out the wallet, and tried to pay, but he said, "Just take the coffee. You look like you need it."

I smiled a little more, thanked him, and left. That little exchange really blessed me. More than just the coffee, it was an element of caring that you don't see very often. I wish I'd gotten his name - I would have liked to send a note. I can't find a Phillips 66 actually IN Vian...the closest one listed in the yellow pages is about 8 miles away. I pray many many blessings in return for him.

We had planned on getting to Little Rock before stopping, but I wore out way too early. We only made it to Clarksville, which is about 100 miles west of Little Rock. We found a Super 8, and stopped for the night. The shower was nice.

We passed a place called Toad Suck, Arkansas shortly thereafter. We've passed it several times, of course, but I've never remembered to mention it until now. We crossed a bridge at one point, and there was a sign for Lotahwatah Road. There are way too many bridges on this drive.

I made about 12 mix tapes for the trip - only listened to about half of them, because I torture myself with depressing music when I'm already depressed. Maybe I'll post the playlist. Maybe not.

We left out around 11:00 the next day. Things went pretty smoothly until Mayflower, Arkansas...or actually about 7 miles out from it. It was about noon by then. Traffic stood at a complete halt up until just past the exit for Mayflower. We were in line for an hour.

Now, about a mile out from the exit, we saw a nasty wreck in the westbound lane. There was a trooper in the eastbound lane, but he wasn't the problem. Underneath the overpass at Mayflower, there was another cop keeping things slowed down for no apparant reason. Immediately past that, traffic picked up again.

Anyway, we got off at Mayflower because I needed petrol badly, and were there for probably half an hour because they were having trouble with EVERYTHING...the debit machine...the pumps...everything. The lady said it was her first day working alone, and everything that had could go wrong had - they had even run out of gasoline once already that day. (I'm not surprised, with all the people WAITING for AN HOUR...)

I called Nancy and the 'rents to tell them where we were and how far behind things were. Nancy sounded glad to hear from us.

So we drove and drove, and got to Memphis around 4:30 or 5:00. I hate that bridge. I hate it in the dark. I hate it even worse in the daytime.

Memphis was the seventh circle of hell. There is NO exit marked for Highway 72. We miss that exit every time we get off I-40. Every time. Even when we have directions. This time we got really lost, except for that we remembered that the road name was a tree...Pecan or Poplar...we were sure it started with a 'P'. Eventually we stopped and got directions, then happened upon Poplar. Problem was we turned West instead of East. So we got turned around, and of course by now, Rush Hour was REALLY going, so it was about 6:30 before we even got OUT of Memphis. I have to keep telling myself to stop looking at little maroon cars.

Somewhere in Memphis, while stopped at one of the million or so stoplights, I saw a store called Dan West Christmas Supplies. Their little slogan was, "When it comes to Christmas...go West..." I don't know why, but it was of interest at the time.

That was the most harrowing part, and I really got to the point of not being able to control myself. Could not stop crying. +Kyle kept getting on the radio and asking where we should be turning, etc., and of course I have no idea, so that just made me crazier. I was pretty rude, screaming at him and such... I plead temporary insanity. I told him I wasn't ready to make this move. I told him I couldn't handle it, that my nerves were already shot to hell and that I really needed to wait a few more weeks to settle down.

But anyway... In Germantown, we pulled over, and +Kyle basically told me that I just had to pull myself together and keep going. Maybe I needed it, but at the time I definitely didn't want to hear it. He went off and called the 'rents and his mom to tell them what was going on, we got some drinks and went on.

Somewhere in Mississippi we stopped again at a little gas station to fill up. Some kid who looked about 12 came out of the store holding a root beer, then got into a green VW beetle (his shirt matched), backed out, and drove back behind the station, to some housing in the back. The guy who runs the store came out, saw me gawking, and said, "Don't be surprised when you see things like that around here." I guess the kid really was about 12. He looked like a sandy blonde Daniel Radcliffe...Harry Potter glasses and everything.

The clerk said we had another 3-1/2 to 4 hours drive to the Huntsville area. I called the Scotts again - Jim answered this time - to let them know we would be getting in FAR later than anticipated and didn't want to bother them when we got in, instead. He sounded glad to hear from me, too, and wished us well.

The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful...just long...

We got to Athens right around 10:30. Found the house with little difficulty. It's a nice place. Hardwood floors. Basement. Probably about 1200 sq. ft. It's a steal, really, at $350 a month.

I've got to find a job. I was really hoping to be able to take a break, but even if +Kyle gets this job tomorrow, it's not going to pay the bills, much less get us caught up. He's talking about getting a second job, too, but we need fun money, too, or we're going to go insane. There are way many movies this summer that will not be worthy unless seen on the big screen. We would like to bowl more regularly, go skating, etc., take Ian, the boys, and probably Logan out some. Need to get out with Gamegod and Geekgrrl...etc.

Oh well... It's late, and that's pretty much the whole trip, so...for now, goodnight.
lsdiamond: (Default)
So last Sunday, before we went out to Jim & Nancy's, Scooter got the shock of his life... 12 volts across his heart - in one arm, and out the other. (1.2 volts can kill you if it crosses your heart.) Jim was welding on the shop we've all been helping to build, and apparantly something slipped.

Anyway, he was fine for a couple of days, but then started having severe chest pains, and yesterday, his left arm started going numb at various intervals. That's kinda scary.

So I've been praying (and worrying) about this for some time now - that any damage done would be completely healed, and that his overall health would be surprising to the doctors in charge.

Today he was able to see someone at the Kingston clinic about it. They said that the jolt basically threw off his heart's rhythm, and to take ibuprofen for the pain for awhile. The numbness should stop in a few weeks. He's fine. Thank you, Lord!

Not only that, but they said he is in far better health than he should be after a shock like that. He said his blood pressure is better than it's ever been in his life. Second answer to prayer.

Needless to say, I feel a lot better now.
lsdiamond: (Default)
In reply to my brother's recent post, "Confustication"

Okay... I don't know how much of this will have any bearing on your current mental state, but I'm compelled to say it, even understanding your tone. ^_^

Such introspection will take you one of two places...toward your "calling", if you have one, and I think most people (or at least Christians) do...or toward utter despair for dwelling on your failings.

All you have to do is decide which path to take with it, kiddo. I tried one road, and it didn't work. Actually, it led me to a bend where I had another chance to get back on the other road. It's kinda cool, although right now I'm on this "Okay, so now what do I do?" kick.

I guess my point is that if you never truly give up, you'll always have a whatever your hand finds to do. Not only that, but if you seek *God's* purpose in what you do, you're guaranteed to, if not find it, at least fulfill it.

Take this from someone who admires you, too. I look at myself - age 24 - and how little I have accomplished, or even *tried* to accomplish with my life. I think to myself that you have no right to be so down on yourself, because you're right: not everyone does or at least *tries* to do many of the things you do and have six years younger than I, no less.

Whether I use that as incentive to push myself, or let myself get down in the dumps over it is up to me. You've got the same choice, li'l bro. And as far as hating yourself? That's what the blood is for...tell yourself (or whoever it is who is attacking you) that yes, you're hypocritical and sinful...but that you're forgiven and cleansed, so no one has ANY claim to you for past wrongs, or even mere stupidities. In that, (I believe) that you do have no right to berate yourself, even in the name of logic.

In the name of being the elder sibling, and since Brian did it to me, I now challenge you to come up with a list of reasons why you think people like you. It could even just be a list of positive adjectives, no commentary needed (although that's not likely with you, ;). Comments off that list if you have that option.

I love you.

- A


Feb. 28th, 2004 07:13 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Does anyone have any idea how hard it is to hear that someone sees you as perfect in spite of your flaws, and says you're the most worthy thing they've ever found in which to place their faith?

What a burden...especially knowing myself. I am the last person on earth anyone should *ever* place their faith in. Chiefest of sinners? Paul has got *nothing* on me.

How do you make someone understand this - one who has no real frame of reference for such things?

God, release me from this burden, please. Give me the words to me how to teach... Help me to channel this energy in a productive way.


Feb. 24th, 2004 11:33 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
Dear God, I hate being an empath sometimes.

That's not really true. I love people so much. I relate to them. There's nothing more satisfying than helping someone who's having a rough time. It's special to be there for someone who needs you. It's different than being the provider of all needs. I wouldn't say it's any more important, but it's what I'm made to do. It fits me better than does 'breadwinner'.

I've been given just the thing to get me out of this pathetic funk I've been in for so long. The Voice was right...all I had to do was ask.

All the hurts to be in such pain for someone, especially knowing that truly all you can do is be there to listen if they need you. It's hard to be limited in that way.

It hurts to have been there, to hear their words and be reminded of dark days, some not so long ago. I can only hope to be a light, and pray for strength to be what I must.

January 2012

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