Hopeless

May. 14th, 2004 02:13 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
I don't know what to do.

+Kyle says he's not willing to wait any longer for me to "fall in love" with him. He's at his wit's end and says he has given me long enough to be happy with him - 4 weeks. He says I should just stay here.

Says he's going to be miserable if we keep going the way we are, and says I shouldn't be miserable just trying to make him happy...

I'm going anyway, but I don't know if it's really the right thing to do now. But I don't know if staying is really what I want, either. I've been willing to try, but if he's not willing to let me, what can I do?

Time to shut down the machines and finish packing the house.

Sigh. What should I do?
lsdiamond: (Default)
...but obviously need to...


Many times women who claim to be submissive are only outwardly going through the motions of submission while inwardly they are still resenting their position in life. A prayer of submission would be in order: "Father, help me to be content in the role you created me for and give me a submissive spirit, not only toward my mate, but also toward each member in the body of Christ. Let me serve and not expect to be served. Create within me a lamb-like spirit even as Christ our Lord had. Amen." Of course, as we have mentioned, there are limits to submission as it should always be "as unto the Lord." We must first submit to God and then the problems involving submission to others will be resolved by Him. Some results that can occur when women are not in a right relationship with men are divorce, rebellious children, emotional problems and sexual frigidity. (To read more on the proper submission to a husband click here: http://www.bible.com/answers/asubmit.html )


Mutual submission in love, huh? No, I know I've been wrong. I've been acting out of obligation and not love for as long as I can remember. I'm just admitting to that fact and trying to do the right thing.

I suppose we have to talk about this...I'm just so tired of talking.

Anyone have a little cheese to go with my whine? :P
lsdiamond: (Default)
I feel strange, and it's hard to identify. Time to ramble.

+Kyle & I are doing really well. He makes a concerted effort to show me that he loves me every day. It's usually something simple; a hug when I'm not expecting it, or just being playful. It doesn't really matter what it is; he's doing what he promised he'd do. Still waiting on a rose, though. :P

So why am I having such a hard time accepting this? I finally got what I've needed, and now that I have it, I don't know how to take it. Maybe I'm afraid it won't last, so I'm trying not to hold on too tightly. I do this when I lose someone close to me...get distant from people so I don't get hurt again, but eventually I remember that I need people and get close again. What a vicious cycle I lead myself through.

I still think about that night a lot, and remember it all fondly...maybe a little too much so. I still feel as though my dark knight deserves some form of thanks more than the words I whispered afterward. I've written letters, but none of them feel right. He touched me, not just my body, but my mind and soul in ways that I didn't know I *needed* to be touched. I want to talk with him and tell him what he did for me. Call it closure.

There's a concept I can't stand, and yet I feel the need for it in this case. I want to ask him 'why', but I'm afraid of the answer. Whether he was just being nice, or if it was anything else, I'm not sure how I would react. I imagine that no matter what he said, I would feel a twinge of disappointment. If he was interested, disappointment in not being able to pursue anything but friendship (which would then be awkward). If he wasn't interested, but just being nice, I think there would be a slight sting of rejection...that very thing I seek so much to avoid...although it would be bearable.

I should probably just not say anything...continue being friendly, but not too. I'd rather have him in my life never knowing how much he changed for me and in me, than to risk having him out of my life because I let a crush get in the way. Let's face it...that's all this ever was. The tenderness he showed me that night wasn't out of love; he didn't know me, and still doesn't. He hasn't shown anything but the potential for friendship in the other times I've seen him, so I don't even know that he'd be interested in that. He's willing to help me with a project. That's not exactly romantic.

Get real, sister. You have a man who is learning to work to give you what you need, and sometimes just what you want. You also have the potential for a friend, and a fun one at that. Don't blow it by letting chemical reactions get in the way. Yes, you find him attractive in many ways, and yes, he gave you something special...but you can keep that for yourself. It's okay. If he's meant to know, it will come out somewhere. LJ proved that to you once already. Get over your schoolgirl crush and concentrate on what you have. Maybe if you're lucky, you'll gain a wonderful friend in the process.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm so glad all this mess came out. Things have been incredible between me & +Kyle ever since he found out everything.

I'm thankful for whatever was involved with that night's LJ fluke.

I know that I'm largely to blame for everything... I should have been willing to talk to him, to tell him what was wrong for all this time. But +Kyle's not totally without fault. After years of being verbally beaten down when we fight, he trained me into becoming this mouse, timid and afraid of saying ANYTHING, because it would, inevitably, be the wrong thing. Even so, I should have been strong enough to speak my mind. I should have stood up and said just what it was that I needed. But, for fear of sounding critical and causing him to become angry at that critique, and thus at me, I just vented here, and hoped it would be enough.

Obviously, it wasn't.

I'm honestly stunned by +Kyle's reaction to the whole thing... Truly, his temper has mellowed since we've moved out here, but the fact that he was not utterly furious, or kick me out, or yell and berate me...well...I couldn't believe it.

So we come to that Sunday night after the library. As soon as we left the room, +Kyle started acting strange (to me)...he came up and hugged me for no apparant reason...he opened doors for me... Without knowing what was going on, I knew. Somehow, he had tapped in, and I knew that somehow, this journal was to blame.

He started asking things like, "So what did you and Andrea talk about yesterday?" I answered as little as I could...we had talked about how busy she is being a new mom, life in general, etc. I said I didn't want to bother him with petty things, but admitted that I knew we'd had that conversation before (meaning I knew better).

So he started telling me how he knew he hadn't been paying attention to me in a long time, and how sorry he was. He asked, "Why didn't you come and talk to me?" My premonition was verified. He had read my journal. For whatever reason, LJ had published all my private entries as public that night, and he knew everything.

He said it hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn't upset with me or anything. I told him that I wanted to tell him, but was so afraid that he'd be angry with me, so I've just kept all this stuff to myself. He said he was sorry for leading me to believe that he'd be mad at me just for telling him what was wrong. He said he knows that it's probably been 3-4 years since he really showed me he loved me. He apologized for getting so mad at me for meaningless things, like the laundry debacle. He said he was sorry for all the negativity he's had against my lifestyle changes. He apologized for making fun of the way I dress, and the things I eat. He recognizes that it's about health, and even talked about trying to shape up some, himself.

He said he wished he would have danced with me that night. He said he had felt a little jealous over Scooter taking me away, but didn't want to seem overbearing, so he didn't say anything. I told him I would rather he'd at least acted a little jealous over it. He said he's been reassuring himself for years that I would be home when he got there...he's prayed that nothing would happen to me, and that I wouldn't leave him for any reason. He said he couldn't believe how lucky he is to have me.

He talked about how, the week before, when we had that fight and he kicked me out, all he really wanted from me on the drive home was for me to bounce back and talk to him. I was being quiet so I wouldn't set him off again, but he kept coming at me, being upset that I wouldn't talk...I felt like it didn't matter what I said, so I just stayed quiet so I wouldn't bother him. I wish I had realized that he just wanted me to have gotten over it, and be happy again like usual. I guess it just broke me. I couldn't be happy after that.

So, I told him everything. We sat in the car and talked for an hour.

I told him how I'd been feeling abandoned and rejected by him for so long. I told him how I was afraid to talk to him anymore. I don't think I explained exactly why, but he asked if his temper was really so bad that I felt like I couldn't come to him at all. I admitted that it was, but that within the past couple of months, it had improved markedly.

I told him how special that dance was to me...how it made me feel wanted again. It felt like being in love again.

I told him about how damaging it was when he'd make derogatory remarks about the lifestyle changes I've made. They were never enough to make me stop (doing WW, or later, Atkins), but they were enough to make me not want to talk to him about it. I decided it was better to just make changes myself than try to discuss them...he was just going to make fun of me, anyway, right? The same thing with the animegirl and goth styles...Better to just change and not say anything.

I told him I had been considering leaving him for a long time. I know that cut him deeply to hear, but if I was going to tell him everything, it had to be absolutely everything. I haven't cheated on him...haven't had anyone to cheat on him *with*, for one thing. I was at the point where I really didn't care if it was right or wrong. Partially, I decided, I couldn't live with being a hypocrite. I disowned my mother's sister for destroying her family in this way...how could I make that decision? But, ultimately it was because I love +Kyle too much to just destroy him like that. Yes, I was unhappy..maybe even miserable. I'd considered finding some other way to get what I needed. It was never about sex...just acceptance and gentle, kind affection. But I suppose even those things could be considered cheating if obtained through other means.

He asked if he came after me for sex too often. I said no, but just that I needed more of the other kinds of affection, too...it's like getting enough water, but not enough sunshine. Even sex is better now. For the first time in as long as I can remember...years...I want him for real, not just to keep him happy.

I'm still curious as to how my LJ posts became public for that one night, but I'm not upset over it. I'm relieved to have all this out in the open. It's been painful, and I sense it will take us both awhile to fully trust each other again. It's hard for me not to think in that "don't tell him, or he'll get mad" mode. I know he has moments of doubt about my fidelity. But I am working to regain that trust, and I am working to trust him to be more composed with me, even when I'm frustrating to him. I'm learning to communicate again.

+Kyle, if you're still reading these entries, I love you. We'll get through this.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Everything is out in the open.

We're going to be okay.



Song of the Day:

Rush - Free Will
There are those who think that life is nothing left to chance
A host of holy horrors to direct our aimless dance.

A planet of playthings,
We dance on the strings
Of powers we cannot perceive.
"The stars aren't aligned
Or the gods are malign"
Blame is better to give than receive.

You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose free will.

There are those who think that they were dealt a losing hand,
The cards were stacked against them
They weren't born in lotus land.

All preordained
A prisoner in chains
A victim of venomous fate.

Kicked in the face,
You can pray for a place
In heaven's unearthly estate.

You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose free will.

Each of us
A cell of awareness
Imperfect and incomplete.
Genetic blends
With uncertain ends
On a fortune hunt that's far too fleet.

You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose free will.
lsdiamond: (Default)
It's time to go just a little bit crazy(ier)...a vaccine, if you will, against total insanity.

Why yes...yes indeed.

I phoned one of my oldest and dearest friends yesterday, Andrea. She knows me far too well...asked me point blank if I was thinking of having an affair, or leaving +Kyle, though I really hadn't said it to that degree. It's good to have someone who can read me like that. She's keeping me in check...told me about some experiences she's had, and the outcomes - some nearly devastating to her and Tim. Gave me a whack in the head that I've very much been needing.

Overall, things are going better, I guess.

OH!

I met a goal today! A couple months back, we were at Old Navy for new school clothes for +Kyle. They had some very nice bells on sale for like $4, and they *almost* fit. I picked up a pair, deciding that I would be able to wear them for Christmas. Looks like I can wear them for Thanksgiving. Rowr...

Wish I'd gotten 2 or 3 of 'em - these are sexy as all...not quite black vinyl, but...nice. They'll look really great under my boots.

My RAM should be here between Nov. 13-17... I would HOPE it would get here sooner, but... Well, we've determined that PCBoost sucks. Anyway, I'll get the camera set back up, probably put some stuff up for auction, etc... New pix for the LJ will be forthcoming.

January 2012

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