lsdiamond: (Default)
...except those who care enough to ask...

I lost my identity when we moved. I didn't find myself until more than a year fact, I only just truly found a place I can be happy(ier) last month.

I'm sad inside. This negative energy fills me much of the time, and it's a bad feeling. I used to vent that energy by bleeding it out. That wasn't really so long ago, when I think about it. Seven years is not so long. Maybe that wasn't the best way to release those forces, but it worked for a little while. I felt good for a few hours afterward....then, when that went away, I slept, so it didn't matter.

Then I met +Kyle. Truly, he helped dig me out of some of that stuff. But he also made me promise never to do it again.

He's on a REALLY big kick about promises right now, so I'm a little limited on what I can do.

Dressing up, acting out, whatever you want to call it, it worked. It's like wearing the darkness on the outside actually transferred it from inside me - a sort of shamanism, if you will.

And it didn't hurt anyone.

But now I've disrupted the white bread corporate wannabeism of their golf country club lifestyle. I'm an embarassment to them, and they won't admit it to themselves or anyone else. They patronize me.

They refuse to recognize the fact that, despite my outward appearance, I have always...ALWAYS...put the customer first. Never have I yelled at a customer. Never have I been rude to one. I don't yell throughout the building, ranting about meaningless things. I don't lose things. I don't complain (except here) very much at all. I've taken two sick days, and they were both legitimate. There have been MANY days when I *should* have taken off sick, and didn't because the work had to be done, and I didn't want to burden someone else with the tasks. I've never asked anything of them. I've saved them money on numerous occasions.

The only thing I've ever done is be myself, and suddenly they can't handle it...and they hide it in their syrupy speeches, making lame excuses as usual.

This is no different than the racist pigs who judge by the color of someone's skin or the manner in which they speak. I've been judged by my appearance alone, my skills, talents, and accomplishments disregarded. It's okay that a co-worker with seniority says, does, and looks however she wants...just not me.

They do have a point. Certain businesses should exhibit a degree of 'professionalism'. But if that means everyone must fit into the same box, I want no part of it.


Oct. 2nd, 2003 10:25 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I am hereby banned from expressing myself at work.
lsdiamond: (Default)
New pixtures to better fit the mood of late.


Sep. 4th, 2003 02:28 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Opted for brown eyeshadow today. I like it and the blue about equally. They both have a deadish look to them with the eyeliner and all.

Jon likes the silver lipstick. Actual conversation:

"I'm liking the silver lipstick."

"Oh, really? Thanks!"

"Yeah, it's absolutely cute as hell."

"Ahh... Okay, but we're not doing the cute thing anymore"

"I know. The bad girl thing is working for me; this is Splinter we're talking about. Nice to meet you."

"Have we met?"


I can wear all my chokers on the smallest settings. It's lovely.

I've got to get my ring resized. Even some of those plastic clippy sizer things would be okay. I'm afraid I'm going to lose it. It flew off the other day as I was gesturing wildly. Christmas is coming. The place we bought it in Athens will do our first resize free.

More later, maybe
lsdiamond: (Default)
I went to Wal-Mart last night. Decided it was time for a change.

I bought:
the palest foundation possible
black eyeliner (2 packs by mistake)
tweezers (yes, another pair - these STAY in my makeup bag!)
eyeshadow applicators
Passion Flower Conditioner
Beef Jerky

When I got home from work, I washed my hair and did my dreads - only 7 this time. They're messy as usual, but not to worry...I have hats and bandannas for that very reason.

I'm now doing my self-medication of gothing up. There are conditions. I'm also restarting Induction. Two weeks. Period. Today is Day Two. I'm going to work out tonight since the weather's cool...don't know how long it will last, so I need to take advantage of it.

The point of this all is that I have four months to look fabulous. It can be done, but it's going to take serious work on my part. I don't necessarily want to have or need an entirely new wardrobe by then, but there should be a marked difference in my appearance from last year. (Truth be told, there already is, but I want people to stop and make sure that's really me.) I'm still blubbery, and that needs to go away.

In the meantime, I have asked for help in a lot of areas. I asked for a refreshing of the Spirit, and also for a new desire to give. It's more blessed to give than to receive, right? Well, I've been giving all this time and haven't felt very blessed. I've been giving *grudgingly*...because I've felt forced into it. I want to give because I want to, and naturally, desire, nay, expect, to receive the blessings promised because of it. I don't see anything wrong with this - a promise is made, and that's an exercise in faith that the promise will be fulfilled...provided I do my part.

So that's where I am for today...
lsdiamond: (Default)
Why? Because when Monday is the third day, it completely negates the use of HAVING a three-day weekend.

I am currently at work.

I am quasi-working.

I am having violent mood swings. An hour ago, I was pretty happy - maybe a little too much so, actually. Just now I'm feeling rather mean and gripy.

We went to Mike's last night for dinner. He makes a fabulous goulash. Kelly was there, and was mostly civilized. We conversed about paranormal phenomena and spirituality. Mike shared some interesting theories and experiences, and he's barely 20. He's quite brilliant, really. I like hanging out with him, but last night I kept having things to interject, and no one would listen. Mostly +Kyle was the problem. I'd be just about to say something, then he would say something that inevitably changed the subject because he and Mike are both the type to argue a point for the sake of arguing it. UGH. I can't believe that my own husband is so inattentive when he's around his friends. So I was basically just there until Kelly left. It didn't really make me mad until now, since I'm thinking about it in an already foul mood. I had some interesting points to make, too, and the whole arguing just to argue thing makes me crazy.

Mike's going with us to Tulsa next month for the gun show, so no doubt we'll have some good conversation then as well.

I am seeping into another black phase. I've pulled out all my dark, depressing music, the really heavy stuff, and am getting into the makeup again. Wish I could find my black lipstick, not that +Kyle would approve of my wearing it. I also need eyeliner. And more black shirts. And some lighter foundation. This stuff is a little too dark for my skin tone anyway; not noticeably, if blended properly, but for this phase, yes...

Maybe I'll dig out the sketchpads again. My last black phase was great, creatively speaking. Oh yeah, I was miserable, but some of my best work came from then. I'm now regretting throwing away my glass painting. It really was quite good. Have a scan of it somewhere, but it's not the same, especially since the glass broke and did precisely what I wanted from the beginning. I still have the original pencil sketch somewhere...I think...

The problem with black is that I'm more inclined to do SI than when in pink phase. Can't afford to this week; probably until...Wednesday...we'll see after that. Maybe I won't feel like it then. It's a little hard to find a place to do anything anyway, being married now. Too many questions. Although...nahh... My right arm throbs today. Odd; I never did much with that arm, and never the inside of my elbow where it's bothering me.

I'm sitting at about 135, which is a good place to be, but I still need to tone up a lot. The weather has been so hot and humid that I haven't been working out for about a month. It's cooling off a little this week; hoping to get some of that in; it helps with the SI.

Oh yeah, I need some thank-you cards next time I'm out and about.

Bah. I need to work. Much to do before Tuesday, and we're STILL probably going to have to work late. Shelly said we should plan on ordering in. Joy.

January 2012

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