Queen B.

I've never thought like anyone else I've met. It's not a matter of opinion, but rather, the actual processing of thoughts. I don't think I'm necessarily 'slow' or have a learning disability...my brain just takes a different path to come to certain conclusions.

As a young child, my parents told me on a particular occasion to 'put your toys away'. When they came back to check on me some time later, I had done nothing. They asked, "Why haven't you put your toys away?" My reply: "Where is away?" Many children could have figured out that away meant in the toybox or on the shelf...but I had to be told.

Naturally, my parents teased me at times, especially Dad. Now, my parents don't lie to their children, but sometimes I had a hard time differentiating when (especially) my father was actually kidding. That came up on several occasions, but I don't think it ever really sank in.

At some point, I started growing up, and my parents made various comments. "You can't be interested in boys." "You're not old enough to date" "You can't date until you're 30" etc...

Looking back, I realize now that most of that, if not all, was kidding around...but it affected me then, and for years later.

I was so boy crazy when I was 11...12...13...and up... But what could I do about it? I wasn't allowed to like boys. It made no sense to me then - did they want me to be gay? I actually believed that. But I didn't question their authority, although I tried to undermine it a few times. Once, a friend told me her cousin had said he thought I was pretty. I pursued it with maybe too much fervor, but it never went anywhere. I don't think they ever found out about that one.

Once, a particular lad simply wouldn't leave me alone. It was just childish teasing, but he was SO obnoxious, and I really wanted him to just leave me alone. I wrote him a letter saying so, and my parents found it. They didn't read it, just confronted me with it and asked what it was about. I told them exactly what it was about, but I'm sure to this day they didn't believe that. I destroyed the note instead of giving it to him.

The one I regret most is a guy I knew in high school, Nathan. I really liked him, and the feeling intensified when a mutual friend told me he would ask about me now and then. I wanted so badly to know him more than just as a fellow student in our group - as a friend, and maybe more.

But I was afraid. I was so terrified that my parents would find out their daughter liked boys and wanted to be around them. I couldn't risk them being displeased with me, so I hid this as well.

Back then, the cool thing to do among my clique was cut each other down as far as possible. The one who could come up with the most stinging blow was considered the winner. I usually won...but then, I was really angry in those days. My friends were always impressed.

I couldn't flirt with this guy in front of my mother...and she was generally around when I saw him - at art class, in gym, etc. So I took to including him in our little game. This backfired - he had no clue what was going on. His mother came to our house to ask why I was so mean to him. >_< I told her it was a game, which was the truth. He played too, or so I thought, as he usually came right back at me. No doubt he was just upset and hurt by it.

Either way, it was a bad situation all around. I smoothed things over with his mom and sometimes they came over, usually to let his younger brother play with my brothers.

I remember one time they were over. We took the siblings down the road to the creek near my house. The kids of course ran ahead, and we walked behind. At some point, he asked me 'Do you know what sex is?'

Stop.

Naturally, I knew exactly what it was. But my paranoia set in, because my parents hadn't TOLD me yet. I wasn't supposed to know.

So I replied lamely, "Of course I do - the difference between a boy and a girl". He didn't ask anything else. I've often wondered why he did ask that. I've also wondered why I never said anything then - it was the perfect opportunity. No parents around, kids off playing in their own world. I wish I'd told him then how I felt. Don't know what it would have led to, if anything, but I wonder...

Cut to today.

Why do I regret these things, aside from the fact that I was just a cruel person? Why do I think about a guy I barely know if I'm honest with myself? Why am I not satisfied with my husband? Why do I wonder about someone else when I know it would only ruin - completely - my marriage?

I love +Kyle. But I don't think I love him enough anymore, and I don't know why or how to get it back.