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Just more talking
I'm getting tired of talking. I just want things to be fixed.
I hate myself for hurting +Kyle so much. I wish I'd never said a word about any of this, that I'd just continued to pretend that everything was fine. I think the depth of "I'm not in love with you, and can't even remember the last time that I was" has finally struck him. We're going to work through this...for better or worse, right? But it's so damned hard.
I tried to explain to him again about people changing as they grow up. He asked about how he had changed over the years. "You get out and do things with people. You don't always enjoy it, but you try, and sometimes you have fun." I'm so proud of him in that. He asked what else, and I had to think because I wasn't sure if I should go from this direction, but if we're trying to understand each other, it's important.
"You control your temper a lot better than you used to. You don't put me down anymore. You don't shove me around. You don't throw things when you're angry. You're more willing to listen. You're more patient than you used to be." He just closed his eyes and winced every time I threw one of these punches, but he knew they were all true. I said some other things, but I can't remember what.
I told him it had been simply years since I had been in love with him...mostly out of fear, I put up a wall between us so I wouldn't keep getting hurt. I don't think I even realized it was happening at first, but when I did, I knew it was wrong, but didn't know how to take it down, and even if I had, I was still afraid, and couldn't say anything.
I told him how I hated lying to everyone all the time. I remembered a distinct time when we were fighting over...who knows what...and we argued, and he ranted, raved and yelled during the entire drive. It must have been a Friday, because we were going to my parents' house. We fought and I cried up until we got to their driveway, and then we sat in the car a minute so I could compose myself somewhat. We went inside, and *snap* just like that, he was all, "Oh, yeah, we're fine, thanks, you?" and I made some crack about allergies or something... God, I hated that. I remember other times like that, but that was the most memorable time.
I reminded him of a time we were going out to my parents' house another day - I think I was going to work for Dad that day - and he got so angry for whatever it was we were upset over that he ran us off the road and blamed me for it. It took us probably an hour to get out of the ditch, because it was really muddy and slick. He wouldn't let me put rocks under the tires to get them to stop spinning, insisting that that never worked. I think a guy stopped with a chain and offered to pull us out, but he wouldn't accept it. Whenever we did get out, he turned around and we went back to the house. I called and said we'd changed our minds and wouldn't be coming out, or something...I don't even remember.
But I asked him if, after all that, he still really couldn't understand why I put up a wall...if he really didn't understand why I wasn't in love with him after all that. I told him that I think we made a mistake in not waiting longer. We didn't even know OURSELVES well enough to make a permanent, life-altering decision like that. How could we expect to know each other that well?
He doesn't regret it at all. I guess he has no reason to; he's really become a better person, and I guess it is truly because of me. I seem to have that effect on people, or so they keep telling me.
I just realized why I put up with so much. I've blamed it on beliefs and obedience to God, but I suddenly realize that it really comes down to my having been afraid that no one else would ever want me. The changes I've made in myself over the past two years - getting and staying fit, gaining confidence, trying new things, and my experiences in doing so - have taught me that I am and have always been worth more than that, even though for so long I didn't see it. Perhaps that is why I'm so unsatisfied now. Perhaps that is why I don't really feel like trying, despite my beliefs.
Damn it, I'm not Mary. I'm better than she is. I'm a better person. Not because of ME; because I'm saved and forgiven and because I DO try to let God guide my footsteps. I have to make an effort. I have to try to learn to FEEL that love again besides just acting it out of obligation. You know, maybe she DID go through the same types of things with her husband. But I'm at least willing to TRY instead of running away from a hateful situation. I don't mean to compare myself to someone else, and be all holier-than-thou. I truly don't mean that at all by what I'm saying here. I am recognizing a potential weakness; a chink in my armour, and trying my hardest to repair it before it gets any worse.
We talked some more about what's going to happen when we move...What faith means to each of us, etc... Maybe more on that later. It's a good thing, either way.
Edit: 10:54 PM
Well, we just got back from Sherman. We bummed around Target and the mall for a few minutes, then went to see The Last Samurai again. The old theatre there is a dollar theatre now, so yay! Cheap movie=good. This film is just so...very... Wow. I still can't talk about it. If it's still playing near you, go see it. If it's not, rent it as soon as it comes out on video/DVD.
After, we went to Johnny Carino's, which is an (according to the yokels) authentic Italian restaurant. It was *fabulous*... I had the Pot Roast, and +Kyle had Shrimp Scampi. It's good when you can even find low-carb answers at a place that serves pasta with *everything* :P Our waiter, Greg, was really nice, but the place was packed and extremely busy.
We went to TRU and The Dreaded Mart of Wal afterward, so +Kyle could keep looking for a new watch. He did finally find one he liked.
More tomorrow...have conversations to record, provided I don't forget them in my sleep.
I hate myself for hurting +Kyle so much. I wish I'd never said a word about any of this, that I'd just continued to pretend that everything was fine. I think the depth of "I'm not in love with you, and can't even remember the last time that I was" has finally struck him. We're going to work through this...for better or worse, right? But it's so damned hard.
I tried to explain to him again about people changing as they grow up. He asked about how he had changed over the years. "You get out and do things with people. You don't always enjoy it, but you try, and sometimes you have fun." I'm so proud of him in that. He asked what else, and I had to think because I wasn't sure if I should go from this direction, but if we're trying to understand each other, it's important.
"You control your temper a lot better than you used to. You don't put me down anymore. You don't shove me around. You don't throw things when you're angry. You're more willing to listen. You're more patient than you used to be." He just closed his eyes and winced every time I threw one of these punches, but he knew they were all true. I said some other things, but I can't remember what.
I told him it had been simply years since I had been in love with him...mostly out of fear, I put up a wall between us so I wouldn't keep getting hurt. I don't think I even realized it was happening at first, but when I did, I knew it was wrong, but didn't know how to take it down, and even if I had, I was still afraid, and couldn't say anything.
I told him how I hated lying to everyone all the time. I remembered a distinct time when we were fighting over...who knows what...and we argued, and he ranted, raved and yelled during the entire drive. It must have been a Friday, because we were going to my parents' house. We fought and I cried up until we got to their driveway, and then we sat in the car a minute so I could compose myself somewhat. We went inside, and *snap* just like that, he was all, "Oh, yeah, we're fine, thanks, you?" and I made some crack about allergies or something... God, I hated that. I remember other times like that, but that was the most memorable time.
I reminded him of a time we were going out to my parents' house another day - I think I was going to work for Dad that day - and he got so angry for whatever it was we were upset over that he ran us off the road and blamed me for it. It took us probably an hour to get out of the ditch, because it was really muddy and slick. He wouldn't let me put rocks under the tires to get them to stop spinning, insisting that that never worked. I think a guy stopped with a chain and offered to pull us out, but he wouldn't accept it. Whenever we did get out, he turned around and we went back to the house. I called and said we'd changed our minds and wouldn't be coming out, or something...I don't even remember.
But I asked him if, after all that, he still really couldn't understand why I put up a wall...if he really didn't understand why I wasn't in love with him after all that. I told him that I think we made a mistake in not waiting longer. We didn't even know OURSELVES well enough to make a permanent, life-altering decision like that. How could we expect to know each other that well?
He doesn't regret it at all. I guess he has no reason to; he's really become a better person, and I guess it is truly because of me. I seem to have that effect on people, or so they keep telling me.
I just realized why I put up with so much. I've blamed it on beliefs and obedience to God, but I suddenly realize that it really comes down to my having been afraid that no one else would ever want me. The changes I've made in myself over the past two years - getting and staying fit, gaining confidence, trying new things, and my experiences in doing so - have taught me that I am and have always been worth more than that, even though for so long I didn't see it. Perhaps that is why I'm so unsatisfied now. Perhaps that is why I don't really feel like trying, despite my beliefs.
Damn it, I'm not Mary. I'm better than she is. I'm a better person. Not because of ME; because I'm saved and forgiven and because I DO try to let God guide my footsteps. I have to make an effort. I have to try to learn to FEEL that love again besides just acting it out of obligation. You know, maybe she DID go through the same types of things with her husband. But I'm at least willing to TRY instead of running away from a hateful situation. I don't mean to compare myself to someone else, and be all holier-than-thou. I truly don't mean that at all by what I'm saying here. I am recognizing a potential weakness; a chink in my armour, and trying my hardest to repair it before it gets any worse.
We talked some more about what's going to happen when we move...What faith means to each of us, etc... Maybe more on that later. It's a good thing, either way.
Edit: 10:54 PM
Well, we just got back from Sherman. We bummed around Target and the mall for a few minutes, then went to see The Last Samurai again. The old theatre there is a dollar theatre now, so yay! Cheap movie=good. This film is just so...very... Wow. I still can't talk about it. If it's still playing near you, go see it. If it's not, rent it as soon as it comes out on video/DVD.
After, we went to Johnny Carino's, which is an (according to the yokels) authentic Italian restaurant. It was *fabulous*... I had the Pot Roast, and +Kyle had Shrimp Scampi. It's good when you can even find low-carb answers at a place that serves pasta with *everything* :P Our waiter, Greg, was really nice, but the place was packed and extremely busy.
We went to TRU and The Dreaded Mart of Wal afterward, so +Kyle could keep looking for a new watch. He did finally find one he liked.
More tomorrow...have conversations to record, provided I don't forget them in my sleep.
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You've no idea what it means to me to hear this from you. I've feared for so long that we'd grown too far apart, and, like everything else, didn't know what to do about it, so I did little or nothing.
It's going to be good to be back home in May. I think that you and I still have a lot in common, and hope to repair, renew, and rebuild that which has been misplaced. I won't say lost, because we're still here.
I love you, Des. Thank you for being a better friend to me than I've been to you.