Ryan wants to be the only one to make me happy, yet still seems bent on
making sure I don't do anything he doesn't like, regardless of whether or
not it makes me happy. My style isn't good enough for him. (It 'repulses'
him. I like the way it looks, and it's fun.) My job isn't good enough for
him. (I'm 'better than that'...never mind that I enjoy the work *and* the
hours.) My desire to
go back to school isn't good enough for him. (He hasn't actually
discouraged me from going, but always says how we can't afford it, and how
it's more time away from him). My friends aren't good enough because
they're not like us. (Many of them aren't Christians, and have worldly
views...but I seem to attract those kinds of people, and they tell me it's
because I'm a light. I do my best to witness to them through example,
although I fail consistently.). I'm not good
enough for him. (I could be more physically fit; I don't want sex enough to
suit him.) Frankly, I think that when he says he wants to make me happy, he
means in bed.

I really am still going back and forth about staying with him. We do fine
for several days, then one of these major issues that KEEPS coming up comes
up, we fight, and it starts all over again. None of our real problems are
getting resolved. Perhaps if we were both willing to give in on some
things, but we're both so stubborn and don't want to give in. I'm tired of
always being the one to give in, and he tends to be spoiled and pouty when
he doesn't get his way. We both want what we want, and don't want to lose
any ground for the other. We're not being loving toward each other at all,
but neither of us seems to care much about that because we're so busy being
upset about not getting our way.

So what to do? I've posited my potential solutions, and he's knocked them
all down. Moreover, he's started putting his foot down about things, and
says it will continue if things keep causing problems between us. I have to
wonder who else he will forbid me from spending time with. What else that I
do, wear, say, think, or feel, is he going to tell me I can't any longer?
He hasn't actually forbidden me from going goth, but he's totally
guilt-tripping me over it, and seems to enjoy doing so. And why wouldn't
he? He gets his way if he pouts enough.

I've had to learn not to step on other people's toes to make myself
happy...so when will people stop stepping on me just they can be happy?

I'm so tired of this shit.