lsdiamond: (Default)
Been down for awhile. My system kept running really slowly for no apparant reason. After three reinstalls, things seem to be going fine again. *knocks on wood*

Yesterday was *busy*. I got up and ran a couple of errands, and worked out when +Kyle got up. I pulled something at work last week, and wasn't able to work out for a couple of days, but made up for it yesterday, no doubt. I am *so* sore. My abs are getting stronger. Lying flat, with +Kyle holding my feet down, I can pull myself up surprisingly far off the ground after 2-3 weeks of working on an incline. I remember being able to completely sit up from a *reverse* incline, so I'm looking forward to being able to do that again. At this rate, I could do it by summer. I'm benching over half my bodyweight now, squatting 100 lbs, and doing leg curls at 80 lbs. That number seems really pathetic to me, but I always have to be careful of my right knee, and my left ankle is still giving me trouble. It's getting better all the time (*sings*), but I don't want to push it and injure either one further. Also, I can do push-ups again! I can't imagine these guys who just up-down-up-down like it's as easy as walking, though. It's really hard, but feels great. Jack Palance is the man!

Needless to say, I am *really* sore today, but it's a good hurt. I wonder if I'll be in good enough condition to train again tomorrow, but if not, I'll do more stretches. I miss doing Pilates and Tae Bo, but since our VCR died, that's not an option, right now. :P

I'm so wanting DDR! Everyone back home is getting their skillz on with it, so I'm a wee mite jealous. But, I really want to have that costume made before we leave Oklahoma. Both require funds I don't really have, but I'm doing what I can.

My getting *either* one of these hinges on our being able to save enough to actually *move*. +Kyle should be getting his last disbursement around the 14th, so I am hoping there is plenty left over (after tuition and any other tools he needs) that we can set aside specifically for moving costs. We have enough for a U-Haul now, but we need monies for deposits, gasoline, a hotel, etc. I admit to being a little worried about the situation, but the funds were provided for us to *get* out here...I know we'll be granted the funds to get back.

But I still want the fun stuff, too. :PPP Mostly the costume. I can get DDR anywhere.

Speaking of spending money we shouldn't be spending on fun stuff, we went out for dinner last night before grocery shopping. It was really nice to just sit down at a table and have dinner together, talking about nothing in particular. We need a table. Usually, we just sit at our desks and watch TV or mess around online during meals, but that's not really conducive to conversation.

Talked with +Kyle today about the junk that's been floating around in my head. It seems he only meant to encourage me in my endeavours. I'm so used to his cynicism and negativity that I read it to mean "Well, you're looking great, but can't you do more?" Sigh. At least this thing is sorted out, but we're both sort of in this "I can't do anything to make you happy" funk now. He feels like he's giving me all the attention he possibly can, but it's still not enough to me. I feel like, no matter how hard I try, it's (you name it) not ever really good enough to make him happy.

He wants to know why he has to be the one to change. First, I said, because I started making the changes I made because he didn't care. Now all of a sudden, he does care. Second, I asked, what is it you want me to to change?

He wants me to be happy like I was when we got married. But I don't know how to get there. Where do we go from here? Obviously talking is a good way to start, but more importantly we have to start doing. I can't "just be happy".

He went on about his past failures. Screwing up good work situations, etc., and how he doesn't do anything around the house. Something I've thought about now and again, but never really dwelt on is that I feel like I shouldn't have to tell him when something needs doing. It's obvious when dishes need washing, or the floor needs vacuuming, etc. He shouldn't have to ask, "can I help you", and I shouldn't have to ask "Hey, would you do this?" So I told him. I've never really held onto that thought for very long at a time, when it does come up in my mind...I've always talked it down by reasoning that, "He's always at work, so he doesn't have to do __________" or "He's at school, and he'll be tired when he gets home after 12 hours of classes..." I've always sortof let him get away with it, which wasn't good for him, because it just fed a tendency to be lazy (his word, but I won't argue). It wasn't good for me, either, because it just bred resentment at "always being the one to (name thankless chore)".

Anyway, I don't know what to do to change to be happy like I used to be, but if we just keep plugging away, finding the things that have changed between us, and repairing damages done, maybe we will find that path together.

To rebuilding bridges.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Aaaaah!

Why didn't I try these sooner? I guess after the jicama fiasco, I was afraid to try anything else as a substitute for potatoes. -_- But yes, I have found something wonderful! Even +Kyle was surprised, although he says it's very bland. Sure, without anything in it, but then, so are potatoes. :P

It's a little sweeter tasting than potatoes, at least from what I remember - haven't had potatoes in probably 6 months or more. I do remember them being very sweet to the taste, not being used to the starch anymore. Rutabagas have about 1/3 the carbs per serving as potatoes do, though.

Still, I can go lower. When I was at the store, I thought rutabagas were lower in carbs than turnips, but I had them mixed up. I'll get a turnip next time and try it instead. It has about a tenth the (net) carbs of a potato, and for twice the serving size. :PPP

Last time I had a potato, I felt hungry for*ever* afterward. Those empty carbs did me in big time, even with the butter and cheese. This doesn't seem to have the same effect, but I'm still not eating a *lot* of the stuff. I'm glad to see that they have potassium. Since I don't have bananas anymore, that's a good thing to be getting.

Yummmmmm...Steak and Mashed Wannabepotatoes... Heaven...I'm in heaven... *sings with a mouthful*

Oops, I need to train tonight, catch up with the dinner dishes, and put away the laundry before bed. Maybe we can catch an ep or two of Berzerk or Kare Kano, too.

Thankful

Nov. 27th, 2003 07:32 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm thankful we have somewhere to go to celebrate with friends today.

Brian & Cassie have invited us to their new house in Commerce, TX, so we are about to leave. It's going to be weird not seeing them very much after this.

I'm also thankful that my muse has been so patient. Let's see if she inspires me any during the trip. *brandishes sketchpad and pencil*

I'm thankful for a lot of other things...family...friends...a place to live... I'm thankful that +Kyle is trying so hard. He's been cleaning the study this week, looking for his ring (He had taken it off and thrown it during one of the many "you're a liar" fights...one over laundry, I think), and happened upon some old pictures yesterday. He came to pick me up after work, and called me over to him for a hug. He whispered, "You're right."

"...Right about what?"

"You do look better now. I found some old pictures today...I guess they're from your bridal shower."

We had had a small disagreement a day or so before. I found a picture of me from last summer and groaned at it. He was insistent that you couldn't tell I was pretty large even then. I said, "Well, *I* can." and it ended there.

^_^ I'm glad he likes me this way. I was so miserable when I was fat. I'm thankful for being a resaonable size now!

OH! I'm thankful that my computer is (almost) working! Our Windows installation discs have developed pinholes, so they're really finicky about working. We had to copy +Kyle's system files over to my new hard drive, then go in and remove his motherboard and card settings so it would catch mine. It's NOT the best solution, but until we can get a new Windows ME disc to replace this one, it's about as good as we can do. At least I'm up and running. Going to install the Wacom tomorrow and PLAY!!!!!

Well, we need to get out of here pretty shortly. I hope you all have a lovely holiday, whether or not you celebrate it. :)
lsdiamond: (Default)
It's time to go just a little bit crazy(ier)...a vaccine, if you will, against total insanity.

Why yes...yes indeed.

I phoned one of my oldest and dearest friends yesterday, Andrea. She knows me far too well...asked me point blank if I was thinking of having an affair, or leaving +Kyle, though I really hadn't said it to that degree. It's good to have someone who can read me like that. She's keeping me in check...told me about some experiences she's had, and the outcomes - some nearly devastating to her and Tim. Gave me a whack in the head that I've very much been needing.

Overall, things are going better, I guess.

OH!

I met a goal today! A couple months back, we were at Old Navy for new school clothes for +Kyle. They had some very nice bells on sale for like $4, and they *almost* fit. I picked up a pair, deciding that I would be able to wear them for Christmas. Looks like I can wear them for Thanksgiving. Rowr...

Wish I'd gotten 2 or 3 of 'em - these are sexy as all...not quite black vinyl, but...nice. They'll look really great under my boots.

My RAM should be here between Nov. 13-17... I would HOPE it would get here sooner, but... Well, we've determined that PCBoost sucks. Anyway, I'll get the camera set back up, probably put some stuff up for auction, etc... New pix for the LJ will be forthcoming.

Thursday

Sep. 4th, 2003 02:28 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Opted for brown eyeshadow today. I like it and the blue about equally. They both have a deadish look to them with the eyeliner and all.

Jon likes the silver lipstick. Actual conversation:

"I'm liking the silver lipstick."

"Oh, really? Thanks!"

"Yeah, it's absolutely cute as hell."

"Ahh... Okay, but we're not doing the cute thing anymore"

"I know. The bad girl thing is working for me; this is Splinter we're talking about. Nice to meet you."

"Have we met?"

Hehe...

I can wear all my chokers on the smallest settings. It's lovely.

I've got to get my ring resized. Even some of those plastic clippy sizer things would be okay. I'm afraid I'm going to lose it. It flew off the other day as I was gesturing wildly. Christmas is coming. The place we bought it in Athens will do our first resize free.

More later, maybe

Day 3

Sep. 3rd, 2003 12:41 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Here I am...day three...

I'm doing okay. I'm intensely bored with lunch meats and tuna. I do have hot dogs, but those are going to get old rather quickly as well. Am glad wee're going grocery shopping Saturday. I hope we can afford some interesting lunches for me. The weather's cool, so I'll be getting eggs for rolls. Yes!

I accidentally almost pulled out my new flares this morning, thinking they were the black jeans. I am reminded of part of the reason I'm doing this. The flares will be a big deal at Christmas.

I have the perfect outfit, which I'll also be able to wear out. Doubt I'll have a "reason" to wear it when we go back, but maybe I can et away with it since we'll be going to church with the 'rents.

It's a pity I never got to wear the little black dress. It was always too small, then suddenly, it was too large. It's gone now.

I should find some new church-able clothes before Christmas as well. Wesley's Closet will have some, I'm sure, and perhaps some more shoes. I should have gotten the brown ones while I was there the other day. Could have afforded a .50 bag of stuff, too.

ANYWAY...

Once Induction is over (Sept. 14), I'll measure and keep up with things like that again. I'd just as soon not see the numbers as they are right now. >_

Concerns

Aug. 7th, 2003 10:37 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm growing more concerned that I'm the type of person who would take advantage of an affair if given the opportunity. This concerns me greatly, as it goes against everything I believe and want.

1) I'm flirty by nature. I enjoy having meaningless fun with people, especially the opposite sex. It feels great being given attention by a guy.

2) I develop crushes in no time at all. It's so easy to fall for someone who's just gorgeous, or fun to be around, or who seems to connect with me on some level...especially if that level isn't met by +Kyle. (Usually some little piddly useless thing like a more similar taste in music - something we can talk about.)

3) I've been having more and more dreams about 'other men'. I want them to be an extension of my relationship with +Kyle, as is suggested by most dream dictionaries, but they feel like a wish of replacement. We're moderately affectionate with each other, but in dreams it's different - it feels more pleasant and desireable. They give me a false sense of the grass being greener.

4) Since losing half a person in size, I receive MUCH more attention from guys. They notice me; they smile at me; they are friendlier toward me; they wave. I know they don't know me, don't care about me, don't love me, and only pay attention because I'm cuter than I used to be. But the pleasure of knowing that someone finds you physically attractive is a powerful and deceptive spell. I love the feeling I get from a cute guy flashing a smile at me, even though I will probably never see him again or even know his name.

Some of these things are irrational... For one thing, +Kyle has always found me attractive, even when I was so heavy. I always had a hard time believing that - not that I didn't believe him...I just didn't believe it myself. I was ugly to myself...hideous, really, and ashamed of it. I couldn't believe that *anyone* could find the thing in the mirror beautiful. But we go back to that "inner beauty" crap that has always annoyed me so.

There were times when I told myself that he only thought I was a beautiful person inside, that no one could ever find me physically attractive. I found that easier to believe, but it undermined him, and certainly didn't help my self-esteem any.

Now that I'm much thinner, I feel better about myself, overall. Once we had a short conversation about the matter:

Me:
Are you okay with all this? I mean, do you like me better this way, or did you like me better before?

Him:
Well, are you happier this way?

Me:
Yeah, I really am.

Him:
Then I like you better this way.

So he's obviously concerned with my happiness. Love is definitely more important than that flash of electricity you get when you make eye contact with someone you like...but we used to get that electricity, and we don't anymore.

Still, there are the criticisms. He thinks I'm childish (and sure, in some ways, I am), he doesn't like it when I get cutied up or wear foofy pink things. It's the sort of thing that makes me want to do those things to embarass him rather than just because I like to.

Then there's me taking things too far...if I miss something on a dish, I can never do the dishes well enough to suit him, for instance. That's all me, but I don't know how to get out of that mindset....I'm just not good enough, no matter how hard I try.

I want to talk about it, but am not sure how to bring it up...just do it, I guess...but I'm afraid...
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm on the last 10 lbs. to lose to reach my goal weight...my body seems to have other
plans, and has been at 135 for the past month. I'm still losing inches and burning fat, though, so the actual numeral doesn't bother me. If I never see even 129, I'll be happy as long as I'm healthy.

SNOW!

Feb. 28th, 2003 08:27 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
It snowed this week - the deepest snow they've had in years, in fact - about 6 inches here in Madill.

We built a snowman, and he's still standing. It's supposed to rain by Sunday, so I doubt he'll last.

In other news, today was day 14 of Induction into Atkins. I lost 9 lbs total! My energy is WAY up, I don't have those constant moments of "what was I doing?" or losing my train of thought. I've been using http://pub176.ezboard.com/batkins and www.thinner.com for ideas and help.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Interesting.

Dad and my brother have been doing the Atkins low-carb diet for awhile now, and have had great success with it. I've been doing research for a couple of weeks, and found some very interesting things about both Atkins and Weight Watchers.

It seems that about 40% of the weight you lose while on WW is lean muscle mass, and that's with exercise. I haven't been doing as much of the exercise as I need to, so I wonder how much greater my percentage is!

There's a lot of negativity towards Atkins from people who either haven't studied the theories behind it, or who just don't have the common sense God gave a rabbit. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that we're dying of diseases our ancestors rarely had (heart disease being the major one). The difference between our diets is that theirs was largely natural (and laden with fat!) and ours is largely processed (and laden with sugars, white flours, and starches).

I don't know. It doesn't seem to require huge stretch of imagination to figure out that something is wrong.

Either way, I've decided to try out Atkins and see what all the hype is about. I've been off WW for quite some time now, because I was always hungry. My point range got down to the point where it was supposed to sustain me, but even eating the max amount daily, even adding exercise and gaining activity points...always hungry. Not cool, because when you're hungry you stop caring as much about what you need to be eating.

Induction is 14 days long, and I expect it to suck. I don't even know if I'll get through it, but I have proven to myself that I *can* do things if only I *will*.

Christmas

Dec. 29th, 2002 10:00 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
My parents paid the way for us to come visit for the holidays. Thank you, mom and dad!!!

We were off for the whole week of Christmas at work, due to the way the publication dates fell, so it made for a good visit. We saw lots of friends, and most importantly family.

Everyone says we look great, and are amazed at my successes with weight loss. Tommie has also been on WW, but is on a plateau right now. She had prepared meals suitable for WW for the family Christmas get-together, so that was excellent. I didn't have to worry about keeping up with points too much.

So much happened. We had to leave right after the family event, so we could drive all day Sunday and get back here. I didn't want to leave ever again, and cried for a long time. I miss everyone terribly. I know +Kyle does, too, but never to the extent I do. He just wasn't raised in a close family unit, so he doesn't "need" it as much.

But enough negativity. The new year is soon to be upon us.
lsdiamond: (Default)
+Kyle noticed something the other day...my collarbone. He said "I don't recall it ever sticking out that much before!"

It's definitely more pronounced than it had been. ^_^ It's by no means "sticking out" (implying gauntness), but now I might reach up to scratch an itch or something, and I really notice it. Come to think of it, when I scratch or rub my back, I notice the shoulderblades a lot too... Yay! I have bones under all this mess!!

Stuff

Mar. 25th, 2002 01:26 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I don't know what it is....I've just been so depressed this week. Maybe it's just hormones. I haven't had a period since before Christmas, so God only knows what kind of hormonal buildup has happened. It's worth it not to have to put up with the problems every single month, but man...

+Kyle told me tonight, "You're beautiful, you know that?" I never know what to say when he says something like that. I know what he wants me to say ("I know"), but how can I when I don't believe it myself? Sometimes I do just to humour him, but tonight I said "I must be, I guess." He really seemed upset over that and made me give him the answer he wanted anyway.

The whole interchange just depressed me more. I'm one of those people who, when someone says "you're a beautiful person", they mean "you're beautiful on the inside". I don't kid myself...I know I'm not much to look at, and even when I do get my weight down where it needs to be, I'm not going to be supermodel material. But is it wrong for me to wish that I had what it takes for people to notice me? I'd never act on a come-on or have an affair or anything, but just once I'd love to know what it feels like to have some cute guy at the mall do a double-take when I walk by.

Just once.

I really should be happy, you know. I should be thankful that I have a great husband who thinks I'm really all that - and I am thankful...I just wish I could live up to that belief, you know what I mean? I really don't deserve to have wound up with such a great guy.

So I guess that's enough pity-partying. The year's a quarter over, and I need some goals. I cleaned my desk off (mostly) Saturday, and found the fakie Points Finder I bought....3 months ago. I made a printable chart that I can fill out daily so I can keep up with the points of what I eat. I'm going to follow this for one month. If IceFeather can do it, I can. (Insert panicked expression in Icey's general direction!!) That's my goal - follow the plan for one month. At this point, weight loss is not the issue - sticking with something for that long is the issue. I'm terrible at remembering to do things, and let myself get off track really easily. (Just look at our Bible Study group! x_X) So, if I can do this for one month, that will be progress in itself - anything else will be icing on the cake.

So Ice, if you have any more sage advice, I am ALL EARS!!!

Well, I feel some better now. That's probably a good thing. =)

January 2012

S M T W T F S
1234567
8 91011 121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 24th, 2017 04:27 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios