lsdiamond: (Default)
Crudmonkeys!

I forgot to order a hard drive yesterday, and left the phone card at home, so I can't do it now.

>_< atashi wa hontouni baka desu!
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm so glad all this mess came out. Things have been incredible between me & +Kyle ever since he found out everything.

I'm thankful for whatever was involved with that night's LJ fluke.

I know that I'm largely to blame for everything... I should have been willing to talk to him, to tell him what was wrong for all this time. But +Kyle's not totally without fault. After years of being verbally beaten down when we fight, he trained me into becoming this mouse, timid and afraid of saying ANYTHING, because it would, inevitably, be the wrong thing. Even so, I should have been strong enough to speak my mind. I should have stood up and said just what it was that I needed. But, for fear of sounding critical and causing him to become angry at that critique, and thus at me, I just vented here, and hoped it would be enough.

Obviously, it wasn't.

I'm honestly stunned by +Kyle's reaction to the whole thing... Truly, his temper has mellowed since we've moved out here, but the fact that he was not utterly furious, or kick me out, or yell and berate me...well...I couldn't believe it.

So we come to that Sunday night after the library. As soon as we left the room, +Kyle started acting strange (to me)...he came up and hugged me for no apparant reason...he opened doors for me... Without knowing what was going on, I knew. Somehow, he had tapped in, and I knew that somehow, this journal was to blame.

He started asking things like, "So what did you and Andrea talk about yesterday?" I answered as little as I could...we had talked about how busy she is being a new mom, life in general, etc. I said I didn't want to bother him with petty things, but admitted that I knew we'd had that conversation before (meaning I knew better).

So he started telling me how he knew he hadn't been paying attention to me in a long time, and how sorry he was. He asked, "Why didn't you come and talk to me?" My premonition was verified. He had read my journal. For whatever reason, LJ had published all my private entries as public that night, and he knew everything.

He said it hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn't upset with me or anything. I told him that I wanted to tell him, but was so afraid that he'd be angry with me, so I've just kept all this stuff to myself. He said he was sorry for leading me to believe that he'd be mad at me just for telling him what was wrong. He said he knows that it's probably been 3-4 years since he really showed me he loved me. He apologized for getting so mad at me for meaningless things, like the laundry debacle. He said he was sorry for all the negativity he's had against my lifestyle changes. He apologized for making fun of the way I dress, and the things I eat. He recognizes that it's about health, and even talked about trying to shape up some, himself.

He said he wished he would have danced with me that night. He said he had felt a little jealous over Scooter taking me away, but didn't want to seem overbearing, so he didn't say anything. I told him I would rather he'd at least acted a little jealous over it. He said he's been reassuring himself for years that I would be home when he got there...he's prayed that nothing would happen to me, and that I wouldn't leave him for any reason. He said he couldn't believe how lucky he is to have me.

He talked about how, the week before, when we had that fight and he kicked me out, all he really wanted from me on the drive home was for me to bounce back and talk to him. I was being quiet so I wouldn't set him off again, but he kept coming at me, being upset that I wouldn't talk...I felt like it didn't matter what I said, so I just stayed quiet so I wouldn't bother him. I wish I had realized that he just wanted me to have gotten over it, and be happy again like usual. I guess it just broke me. I couldn't be happy after that.

So, I told him everything. We sat in the car and talked for an hour.

I told him how I'd been feeling abandoned and rejected by him for so long. I told him how I was afraid to talk to him anymore. I don't think I explained exactly why, but he asked if his temper was really so bad that I felt like I couldn't come to him at all. I admitted that it was, but that within the past couple of months, it had improved markedly.

I told him how special that dance was to me...how it made me feel wanted again. It felt like being in love again.

I told him about how damaging it was when he'd make derogatory remarks about the lifestyle changes I've made. They were never enough to make me stop (doing WW, or later, Atkins), but they were enough to make me not want to talk to him about it. I decided it was better to just make changes myself than try to discuss them...he was just going to make fun of me, anyway, right? The same thing with the animegirl and goth styles...Better to just change and not say anything.

I told him I had been considering leaving him for a long time. I know that cut him deeply to hear, but if I was going to tell him everything, it had to be absolutely everything. I haven't cheated on him...haven't had anyone to cheat on him *with*, for one thing. I was at the point where I really didn't care if it was right or wrong. Partially, I decided, I couldn't live with being a hypocrite. I disowned my mother's sister for destroying her family in this way...how could I make that decision? But, ultimately it was because I love +Kyle too much to just destroy him like that. Yes, I was unhappy..maybe even miserable. I'd considered finding some other way to get what I needed. It was never about sex...just acceptance and gentle, kind affection. But I suppose even those things could be considered cheating if obtained through other means.

He asked if he came after me for sex too often. I said no, but just that I needed more of the other kinds of affection, too...it's like getting enough water, but not enough sunshine. Even sex is better now. For the first time in as long as I can remember...years...I want him for real, not just to keep him happy.

I'm still curious as to how my LJ posts became public for that one night, but I'm not upset over it. I'm relieved to have all this out in the open. It's been painful, and I sense it will take us both awhile to fully trust each other again. It's hard for me not to think in that "don't tell him, or he'll get mad" mode. I know he has moments of doubt about my fidelity. But I am working to regain that trust, and I am working to trust him to be more composed with me, even when I'm frustrating to him. I'm learning to communicate again.

+Kyle, if you're still reading these entries, I love you. We'll get through this.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Bizarre things are afoot. Last Sunday, I started feeling cruddy...like "that time of the month" cruddy. All the typical symptoms...nausea...tender nipples...fatigue... So 2 days went by and nothing happened. "That's kinda weird...but then, it's been a couple of months, and I've been under so much stress lately," I shrugged. The symptoms have only continued, increasing in severity. Now, 5 days later, I have odd sensations in my abdomen, my appetite has increased slightly, and I have a recurring backache in addition to all the rest. I started looking up symptoms, and, well...it's not looking so good. First off, it's highly improbable that anything DID happen. But if it did, I know when it happened...we made love at the lake, and my only thought was, "gee, if I were going to get pregnant, this would be the time that would do it". The strangest thing of all is that if I am, I'm okay with it. I've never been fond of kids - certainly never wanted any of my own...but having this "what if" in the back of my mind has made me realize that it's something I could do if necessary. I even had a dream about it last night. The problem... +Kyle was asking how I was feeling last night, and in the midst of relaying my symptoms, I blurted out, "I think I might be pregnant." His reaction was not good. I knew he'd be worried, but he took it to such an extreme that I really couldn't believe it. The worst thing is, I can't tell him how I feel about it. If I were pregnant, he doesn't want to keep it...thus I can't tell anyone. He's so paranoid about the whole thing that I can't tell him that I really think it would be okay. Yes, we'd have to make adjustments, especially with me working. Yes, it'd be (a LOT of) added expense and responsibility. Yes, it would be the exact opposite of what we planned and prepared for. But, we've always adapted to whatever new problem has arisen. What's more, we've ALWAYS been provided for, somehow. God has never let us down, even if we haven't been exactly comfortable in our surroundings. So anyway, we're going to get me tested on Monday...+Kyle just keeps saying to me over and over, "please don't be pregnant" and that hurts a lot more than I expect it to. I'm scared and worried, too, but I'm not 100% adverse to the idea like I used to be. If I do end up testing positive, I can't give it up to someone else to raise. No one else would do it right.

Bored...

Jul. 19th, 2002 10:44 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm having so much fun today I could just shoot myself...
lsdiamond: (Gir)
I am not doing well at all with the bike. I fell again today on the way to the post office...landed on my right hip and bonked my noggin on the road - in the middle of an intersection, no less. I felt ok, so finished my errands, but had a lady who was coming out of the post office look to see if I was bleeding or anything. She said to put ice on it when I got home, and that's what I'm doing now. My pupils are the same size, and I don't feel dizzy or anything, but the bump is pretty big - about the size of my palm. Methinks I will invest in a helmet. ^_^'>

The good news? I got a bunch more grab bags mailed out today. +Kyle made an appointment to get the brakes fixed on Tuesday! Wai! Wai! Thank you to everyone who helped to this end!
lsdiamond: (MadLegolas)
Had a quiet day today...

Biked around and found the city park. It's a smallish park with picnic tables, swings, several slides, a merry-go-round, a jungle gym, and a curiousity...a square concrete slab painted with a numbered circle - 1-32. +Kyle doesn't know what it is, and I certainly don't. We played awhile, then picked up dinner stuff at the grocery store.

It was kindof a sad July 4th, really. My dad always goes all out with fireworks, and plays Handel's Water Music, and some other choice pieces to go along with the show. Mom says my youngest brother was morose all evening.

Oh, and I am a moron...the soundtrack I'm looking for is "Tenchi Forever" (or Tenchi in Love 2) and not the one by Christopher Franke. No luck finding it so far...but still watching that Universe OST.

Robyn Hitchcock was on tele tonight. Some late night talk show on CBS. +Kyle was just flipping over to avoid Celine Dion and happened to see that, and knowing I like Robyn, called me in there to see. ^_^ He looked pretty good, though he's gone much greyer than when Des & I saw him in Nashville. He sounded great, and the song was lovely. The Soft Boys are getting back together for a new album. Should be good.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Lost a whole pound this week. I'm glad for that, but had rather hoped for 2. I suppose I haven't been REALLY good this week.

In other news, I fell off my bike today on the way to the Post Office, and now have two horribly bruised knees. Ow. When I got to the PO, I found out they are only open for 1 hour on Saturdays! x_X (Of course, I had missed that hour.)

Yes, I know. It's my own fault for riding out there not having called first to MAKE SURE they would be open. Don't keep reminding me. I am an idiot.

*sniff*

Feb. 19th, 2002 05:58 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
I don't deserve to have the wonderful friends I've been so blessed with. *hugs everyone* I love you guys!

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