lsdiamond: (Default)
Today did not go at all like I expected.

First off, I was expecting that we'd be going out to visit Jim at the very least so +Kyle could learn more about welding. Didn't happen.

I'd been given a sign that I needed to bring up the whole "I'm ready to leave" thing again, and was quite quite sick over it. I did actually try sleeping before anything else, but the nausea was just too great. So I went to work for my good blade, and made a larger diamond above the first one. Thought about making the first one more 3-D instead, but ehh... It was pretty pathetic, considering, as I'd agreed to at least be careful if I needed to do it again. Everything welted up quickly because I didn't go deep, so it didn't bleed much at all. Not what I was hoping for. Also, I was really lightheaded afterward, so I had to lie down for a few minutes.

So anyway, I packed a lot of stuff this morning, and was just sitting down to check blogs and the like when +Kyle got up. I had made that post earlier, and +Kyle read it right away, which shocked the daylights out of me. I'm sitting here doing my own thing, and he pops up with, "What happened, hon?"

"...what happened with what?"

"Your latest blog entry. What's wrong?"

"Oh, that. I cut today." Matter of fact. No emotion.

"What do you mean?"

"I was sick this morning, so I cut today."

So he freaks out and comes over to look, and I'm more annoyed by that than anything. He's all, "What's wrong? Tell me what's the matter." and I'm just getting more annoyed, but I know what I have to do, so I go lie down.

I asked if he remembered telling me to find what makes me happy and go for it. He vaguely did, and I said I still wanted to leave. I want time alone. I think it will make me happy.

So +Kyle got really mad, and told me that wasn't happening. He wasn't going to let me, and started going off about all the promises we made. Well, that just made me mad, too. Why on earth would I be so distraught about all of this if I hadn't been considering that very thing?

Getting into the 'why' of it all was *really* fun. I told him about the whole fear of being alone thing...told him how I've lied about sex ever since before we got married, although I'd tried to talk myself into believing that I was okay with everything that happened. Told him myriad things that I had done over the years because he wanted them done, and I thought I was being a good wife by trying to make him happy. Moving to Oklahoma included in that. I never wanted to leave family...friends...home... But he had a dream, and I wanted to help him realize it, so I went. Told him about talking myself into getting Washu because it was something we'd talked about, and he really wanted her. Then when I just couldn't stand her anymore, how I tried to at least tolerate her for his sake. I told him I wasn't trying to keep score or anything, but just that these were the things weighing on my mind.

The worst thing? He makes me feel like a complete heel for all of this. Like I should have tried harder to be happy with these situations - like I have no right to be upset, since they're basically my fault anyway. Like I should have stood up for the things I really wanted, and my beliefs.

He made me promise that I would tell him what I really want when it comes to decisions...I asked him to give me time to think when those decisions came up. We'll see how that goes. He doesn't tend to think about time the same way I do.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I really hate it when they welt up so badly they won't bleed.

But NO...I just had to say I'd be careful and not ever go too deep.

Still feel sick, too. That's the bit that really sucks.
lsdiamond: (Default)
ribbons of white silk, torn...
...a river, bitter and warm, but cooling
Its flow releases such pain
Pain for sweetness
Grief for rest
Sorrow for peace

I made no promise this time,
But you told me to feel loved
And so I stay awake another day
lsdiamond: (Default)
As I was writing that reply to my brother, I wondered at a reason behind SI.


Now, I've never been one to cut for the blood. It's always been more about pain than anything else, and besides: blood is messy, and if it gets on anything that will stain, it's hard to remove. But I have known many people who cut specifically *for* the blood. It makes me wonder if perhaps for some. it doesn't go back to some ancient and ritualistic need for cleansing. Mankind has always had need of some way to atone for the wrongs they've done, and it's always been in the form of some sacrifice or another, but more often than not, blood is the key point of freshness. How many people get that little reference? It was silly to throw it in, but am I.

Blood and death. Something or someone must eventually bleed and/or die for the wrongs committed. I'm sure there are some cultures in which large sums of money, or a goat, or whatever will also make up for wrong deeds. Heck, 'modern civilization' has brought us the wonderful legal and prison system, where, for a mere few years of your life, you can get away with theft, murder, and even such abominations as molestation of children. Oops, did I say 'get away with'? Oh yeah...I meant 'pay their debt to society'.

< /puts away soapbox before she runs the risk of being late for work' >


I don't remember quite where I was going with this now...I skip topics so frequently, I really need to start making an outline of my thoughts. :P I think I was trying to say that some people who perhaps believe blood to be necessary to pay for their wrongs are the people who need to see that the blood they desire has already *been* shed.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast.

No matter how stressed out I am. No matter how bad this speech impediment becomes in any given day, if I have music, I can sing to it, and I'm fine as long as I am. It takes no effort, it just comes.

Dear God, my wrist is just throbbing. Haven't DONE anything about it, but man...I wanna. I am going absolutely crazy today with so much to do. I should have come back in last night like I thought about doing. >_<

I could probably stop drinking coffee, but then I would just want to sleep, so oh well. I guess I will just be jittery and stressed.


Mar. 4th, 2004 06:45 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I don't know if I'm just that tired, or if my defenses are just that wrecked. Either way, the dam broke last night, so maybe that's a good thing.

I have no sense of coherency about last night, save that I told him I want out. Everything I do, I do for him. I know what I mean to him, and that's the only reason I've stayed...that and this bloody conscience and "fear of the wrath of God" and whatever else. And spite at all the people who said we would never work out. At first, it was out of love. Now, obligation. I told him my realization of having given up on us years having resigned myself to, "This is the way life is with him, I made a vow, so I'm stuck, so I'll just have to learn to deal."

I told him about years of living in fear for what he would do or say if I told him that something - anything - was wrong. He had a hard time grasping that, since what I've been telling him *lately* (which is true) is that he's doing so much better.

I acknowledged...thanked...him for *trying*. I know he's making efforts. I just told him I didn't know if I wanted those efforts to be made.

He couldn't talk much. One, he was just speechless from all this. He did apologize unendingly for putting so much pressure on me. For dragging me out to Oklahoma. For my being the only one really working. For not doing even little things around the house.

Two, I just had to ramble while I had some form of capability to recognize all the things that are wrong with me. He knew I've been unhappy. He didn't know I feared him that much. He knows I'm not in love with him. He didn't know it had been years since I'd felt anything at all.

I'm tired. Tired of doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do. I know I'm a terrible person for that. All this is selfish. I know that. I don't deny it; what's the point? He said only a terrible person would NOT do the right thing, but to me it's the same. If wanting to is the same as doing, I am as bad as the next. I just want to be happy. I can't even remember the last time I was happy. Not an evening out with friends or even a date with +Kyle. Those are bandaids when what I need is chemo. I mean *happy*.

He begged me to stay, to keep giving him another chance, reminding me that he IS trying. He knows the decision is made. He knows it's not because I feel anything for him, but because it's the right thing to do. He knows I'm unhappy. He knows my motives are not out of desire, but obedience. He knows my heart's not in this. Yet, he wants to get back to where we were, and believes it's possible. "If it takes another six years to unlearn this stuff, it's worth it," he says. I agree in principle, but I admit that it's a reluctant agreement.

We set some goals for the next two months. One, when one of us starts on a "I don't deserve you, etc." kick, the other to step in and gently correct. Two, to stop assuming the worst immediately. To, when something seems amiss, stop, and say, "I'm not going to get upset about this yet. There's probably a good explanation, and I'm going to ask first." I guess this is a good thing to do.

I woke up this morning, and for the first time, +Kyle was the one rolled over on the other side of the bed. I don't know what to make of this. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's something.

All I know is this is far from over, and it's a battle I gave up on a long time ago. I'm already defeated because of my beliefs, so why bother?

Unlocked Friday's post about the cut, since he knows. It's going to scar; my skin is just too thin for something so deep.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I know, I said I wouldn't, but it hurts so much. I had to do something just to get through the day, and I can't sleep at work.

The blade was brand new. Clean.

It's a diamond-shaped cut. I kept it wet for a long time so it would bleed longer. It stings a little. It's a lot deeper than I ever cut before, but I don't think it'll scar. Even if it does, it's okay. I think it's pretty.

It's high. Will hide under a t-shirt sleeve. I should put something on it, but I don't really want to yet.

What I really want is to keep it open. Cut over it as it heals. Keep the lines fresh. They're so beautiful.

I'm not sorry I did it. I was just so sick today. If I can't sleep, I have to do something, and I have drugs nor herbs. I never filled that Paxil scrip, and I bet I don't have it anymore. I think I burned it. Not that it matters. It's like $100 for only a couple of weeks' worth...and that's generic. I don't have that kind of money.

But blades are cheap, and blood flows with no effort.

I hope I don't need this too much. +Kyle probably won't notice me coming home with a new wound now and then, since I'm such a klutz, but I can't make him suspicious, and it's getting too warm to wear long sleeves all the time.

I want to tell him, but he's going to be so upset with me when he finds out. He made me promise I'd never do it again, and we all know how he reacts to broken promises. Good Lord, it was just LAUNDRY! I'm sorry I forgot!

I have to stop thinking about this, or I'm going to do something else really stupid.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I know it's not the answer, but I almost don't care. I'm so sick this morning.

Maybe if I just get something in my stomach to settle it...

I need to talk to +Kyle about everything now that I've sorted it out, but...ugh...I'm scared to. It's okay, D... He's not going to come back fighting right away. He's going to be upset, but he knows better than to take it out on you. You hope. But he asked last night if we were okay, and you said you were. But *we* *are* okay. No grudges, no hard feelings. *I* am not okay. I hurt. I need to be understood.

Maybe I should just give up...keep him happy again. I learned to live with losing before. I stood up for awhile, things got okay, but everything's just pressing down again on me. I can be a zero again. I even have a hat to prove it now.

I need a blade. Can't I just stay home from work today and sleep?
lsdiamond: (Default)
She's afraid. Not for me, but for +Kyle.

She says the best thing he can possibly do is keep me in a small town. She "just knows I'll go wild" if I get near a city. She trusts me - knows my convictions and beliefs - and has lauded me for being as tolerant as I have been for the past two years. "You're a stronger woman than I am...I'd have left a long time ago, honey. Most women would have," quoth she. But she fears that he will either be unwilling or unable to either understand or accept the changes in me. Changes that have happened, and will continue to happen, probably until I'm 30...changes that occur simply because I'm a woman, and women change.

She calls me "so emotionally starved it's not even funny". I hadn't thought of it in those terms, but it's the same as Vera's sponge theory. She's worried that +Kyle will refuse to accept that he must also change and adapt with me, and that I will go out and eventually some other man will give me the emotional attention and support I want and need. (This after saying she knows I'll do the right thing, but I digress...)

She suggests I give +Kyle an ultimatum before this happens. She says I need to list everything I need from him, and give him, say, one year to meet all those needs. Tell him that, at the end of that year, we will reevaluate, and if we deem it's time to part, so be it. This way, he has a choice: to change, to adapt, to accept, or to not. If someone comes along who can and will give me what I need, +Kyle will have no choice in the matter. I think I agree with her in principle (i.e., choice) , but not perhaps in execution. It seems too extreme, because *I* change on a daily basis sometimes... How can I give a set amount of time for such a volatile thing as an evolving relationship?.

I hurt. I just want everything fixed. I don't want to turn this into a contest. Likewise, I don't want to find someone else. I don't want things to *get* that the point where I would have to choose who to hurt. I know which one it would have to be if I were in that scenario.

I hurt inside so. Let me hurt outside instead.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Having been unable to find a suitably sharp blade here at work, I have pierced my arm...just inside the elbow. There's now a sewing pin inserted as far as it will go. I've a bandage over it so it won't slip out.

I'm rather swimmy headed at the moment. I'd forgotten what this felt like. The pin feels strange under my skin..foreign. I don't want to take it out. I avoided major veins and arteries, so I'm not worried about loss of blood. Every so often it will hit the muscle of my forearm and sting a bit. It's very sensitive under one's skin.

If I didn't know there were very real chemicals involved with this sort of thing, I would think it was all in my head.

I feel rather sick to my stomach just now. Wonder if that's related.




Taking the thing out was rather unpleasant. Much more painful than putting it in, probably due to swelling. ah well. I did feel like vomiting for a few minutes after.

Haven't decided if it's worth it. I've several lovely little welts from looking for a good blade in the first place. I don't feel like it again today, though. Maybe another time.


Mar. 24th, 2002 02:24 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
Today's been an interesting one.

We've been seriously going through all our junk this week. There's just so MUCH that we never use, unfinished projects, and general clutter. For instance, I have this mass collection of several hundred audiocassettes - all recorded from the radio, my own compositions, old time radio progams, etc. It came to me that if I download MP3s of all this public domain music, I could fit about 13-15 cassettes worth of music on one disc. Boy that'd be a reduction of space!

So the first tape I pulled out today was one from the mid '90s. Mostly stuff recorded from Rick Dees' top 40, but a few others mixed in from who knows where. Here's the playlist:
"High Energy Mix"
4 Non Blondes - What's Up
Gina G - Just A Little Bit
EMF - Unbelievable
Republica - Ready to Go
No Mercy - Where Do You Go
Danny Elfman - Gratitude
Los del Rio - Macarena
Robert Miles - One & One
Jock Jams - Pump Up the Volume
Baha Men - Back to the Island
Adam Ant - Wonderful
Boys II Men - Water RUns Dry
INXS - Need You Tonight
Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf. Rio, Ordinary World, Come Undone

Now if that isn't an eclectic mix, I don't know what is. ^_~

Seriously, though...I really don't get into the techno/house/dance mix stuff anymore, but this really made for a fun listen today. When these songs came out, I was still struggling under a deep 2-year depression. It's no wonder I fed on the energy from these songs like I did.

In the early days, I basically decided that God hated me, having lost many people in a short amount of time, and so He (in my mind) certainly was no reason to get up. I was bored out of my mind with school, and frustrated too. My mother was depressed all the time, so I was often the one to keep the house clean, make sure my brothers did their schoolwork and ate, etc. I was always tired from that, and depression only made it worse. Being 14 or 15, I didn't see eye-to-eye with my parents, and my mom's depression of course coloured that further - my dad having to deal with that didn't help either. My three younger brothers were annoying, so my entire family was no reason to get up. The fact that none of them realized I was so depressed didn't help. I don't know if I felt unloved or just unnoticed. Math has never been my strong point, and my mind just couldn't grasp even basic principles in algebra at this time. School was no reason to get up. I didn't even try during that time. I don't know how I wound up with enough gradepoints to graduate.

But always there was music. I talked to DJs a lot during my teen years. That's pathetic, I know, but it was something. This was before MP3s, so I had all these tapes, and always a walkman with me. I had friends, but I don't think anyone knew really what to do with me. This was when I was first starting out on the internet, and I was growing away from my RL friends in other ways as well...probably because I never really wanted to do anything.

I should warn you I'm going to get graphic here )

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