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It always comes back to this. What I want in life doesn't matter. Why doesn't it matter? Because what I want, inevitably I cannot have. God seems to delight in allowing things to come into my life and then showing me why they're not for me. (Well, it does say he loves chastisement, now doesn't it?) Right now, I want to run away from my problems, and ignore the fact that people always have problems, and they don't go away. I want to go back, to be with the one with whom I am still in love, despite everything. I want to be happy. But I want to do what's right despite my own desires, so I have stayed and acted in a loving way toward +Kyle, and

But none of that matters. Even if I didn't care about right and wrong, I can't go back now. Even if +Kyle kicks me out.

Why?

I need time. I found myself once, and that person seems better off alone right now. I want to go back to school. I want to learn Japanese, and finish my degree. I want to travel. I want to get out of debt. Can I do those things with a significant other, regardless of who that may be? Sure. In some ways, it would be easier. In others, more difficult. But will I still want to be alone after all of that? It could be years. What then? I can't get married again unless I go back to +Kyle, but since he wouldn't have me back, I couldn't marry anyone else unless +Kyle commits adultery. I don't know that I would want to remarry at all, but I have to consider every possibility.

Even if not for this, I don't have a job to go back to anymore. Terry pulled the Thrifty ad, our biggest client. There were several reasons, mainly the cost-effectiveness of inserts vs. the double-truck ad in the centre of the paper. But do you know what Niki told me he said? He said I was the best ever to do his ad. The best ever, and I am no longer there. I cried over that. I could cry over it now.

Oh, I have friends out there...many practically family. Someone would take me in until I was on my feet again. There are other jobs to be had. But the schooling I want isn't out there, anyway, and it would look terrible if I went back...even if I wasn't running back into someone else's arms (which I wouldn't be, wanting time *alone*), it would look bad.

So which do I want more? Happiness now? Or a hope of happiness later (that I frankly don't see, and don't know if I have faith for at the moment) if I do the right thing? Does it even matter? +Kyle doesn't want me to stay because it's the right thing to do. He wants me to stay because I want to stay. He wants me to want him again, and he wants it now. I've had "long enough" to love him again the way he wants and the way I should.

And if I don't want him *now*, he wants me out. Today. Before he gets off work. He's been telling me for days to pack up and go back to Oklahoma. "Go find a way to be with *him*," he says. Of course, he's just trying to give me what I want a hundred times over to make me sick of it...make me smoke the whole pack at once...he told me that last night.

I've asked for weeks, How do I turn it on? How do I make myself want something I haven't wanted in years? Now I ask, Why do I even bother? It's not good enough, because a desire to try to work it out because it's the right thing to do is "the wrong reason" according to +Kyle. It's not enough for him.

If I stay, we will both continue to be miserable. If I leave, no matter where I go, it's over for good because he wants a clean break. If I stay, he'll believe I feel something I don't feel, and it still won't be good enough for him. If I leave, he might try to kill himself again. If I stay, he'll keep bombarding me with "I'm in love with you", and then sulk when I can't return that to his satisfaction. If I leave, he'll be heartbroken because his universe revolves around me and he doesn't want to lose me. I have hoped that by staying, by making efforts to be happy again, by letting him be what he wants to be to me, that I would regain those feelings. He is not satisfied by that.

I had already said an indefinite goodbye to Scooter. That hasn't helped yet. Those feelings do not just disappear. We had remained friends with permission, and yeah, it's been hard, but just because you resign yourself to the fact that something isn't going to happen, it doesn't mean you don't miss it. It doesn't just go away. Even when you're not faced with that person anymore, it doesn't just go away.

Things were easier with +Kyle last night because he was operating as though we were just friends. We do well like that...palling around. He even agreed. Then we get back here, talk about the evening, and he tells me that no, he was not offering to let go and just be friends, that he was trying to start over with no baggage. THEN he comes off and asks me if I'll marry him right off the bat? I don't know! That just confuses me more!

What do I do? This just keeps coming up. It's not going away, and it's not going to. I'm tired of trying. He doesn't want me to try, anyway, because I don't share the feelings he does, and haven't for a very very long time. Knowing I have been in the wrong about much of this doesn't change the fact that I Can't Just Turn It Back On. Maybe some people can, but I'm not one of them. I know. I've tried.





Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble...
If I stay, it will be double...
So come on and let me know...
Should I cool it or should I blow?

I Wonder

May. 19th, 2004 11:08 pm
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I wonder what everyone at work is doing now... Is Niki still faithfully reading her Oprah Book of the Month Club Book (aka my blog)? How's Lori doing? What's Edith up to? I bet Mark and Sherry are swamped. How is Jay? How are Marsha and Clara?

...

...

I miss everyone so much...

Last Day

May. 12th, 2004 08:22 pm
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Okay, Niki! There you are - as promised, much to read about in your Book-of-the-Month novel that is my blog.

More about today, as it was my last at The Madill Record, but for now, I need to get ready to go out to Cory's, as we're going to D&D one last time.

Later later.
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We got up rather late (9-ish) and went to church shortly thereafter. Mainly it was a ceremony to honor mothers, being Mother's Day.

So afterward, we came back to the house, grabbed a quick lunch (bratwurst & salad), and Scooter came by about half an hour earlier than we expected, so we ran around and left out shortly after 1:00.

The drive to Sherman is interminable going the back roads, because there is just nothing to look at. Trees. Sign. Trees. Grass. Trees. Grass. Bridge. Grass. Cows. Grass. Cows. Sign. Grass. Grass. Cow. Barn. Sign. Grass. Cows. Trees. Grass. McDonald's. Then you meet Hwy 82, and you're basically there.

So we got tickets for the 4:00 showing of Van Helsing, then bummed around the mall for awhile. +Kyle had a nosebleed shortly after we arrived.

Really, all we did was play in the arcade. I did pod racing, but the screen is going out, so it wasn't a very successful run. +Kyle found an awesome game that senses your movement - you're a member of the Japanese police, and you go in, taking out the yakuza (Japanese mafia). Very very cool. If you duck, the viewpoint ducks. Hide behind a wall, likewise. Stand up to fire, etc. It's really awesome. They need it in Huntsville if they don't have it already. Can't remember what it was called, though. Scooter very nearly beat Soul Caliber. On the very last guy, in the very last battle, the enemy overtook him with a series of devastating blows. He said it was the closest he's ever come to beating it without using any Continues. ^_^ After that, he challenged us each to air hockey. +Kyle won 7-6, in a very long match. The puck flew off the table several times. My game wasn't nearly as long, but I still did pretty well - 7-6, but Scooter won that time. My weak spot is the right side of the goal, and I didn't guard it very well.

After playing, it was getting close enough to 4:00 that we decided to head toward the theatre. We got there about 10 'til, and the place was pretty much packed. Our seats were in the front row of the stadium area, which is placed *about* as far back as we like to sit, so they were decent.

Van Helsing - possible spoilers ahead )

After the film, we went for Chinese at China Star. It was of course quite good. It's no Formosa, and hopefully one of these days we can show our friend what REAL Chinese tastes like...but it was still good. We made small talk...largely about the movie.

by now it was about 7:30, and thus far too early to think about calling it a night, so we decided to go back through Durant and do the Sunday night bowling deal. It didn't start until 10, so we put our names on the list - lane 16 - the first lane we ever played. Since it was rather early yet, we went for coffee at the Waffle Shoppe. I don't remember much of the conversation...just enjoyed the company. I know 80s cartoons were discussed at some point. Probably plans for the future. Reminiscence... I tried not to think about the fact that this was our last outing.

So...Bowling! On Sundays, it's a $5 cover (shoes included), and each game is a quarter.
We can play four games in two hours, so this turned out to be a good deal. We still never broke 400, but it was a lot of fun. Scooter & I split a pitcher again, but I didn't get nearly as blitzed as last time. :P That's probably the last time I'll be combining alcohol and any kind of publicly recreational activity, simply because +Kyle only drinks the really dark beers. Maybe if Des comes along, or if we go anywhere with Gamegod and Geekgrrl. Ian's not old enough yet.

The place shut down around midnight, so since I had to be at work later, we figured it was a good idea to get back to Madill. It seems like the ride home was pretty quiet. Bridges were discussed. At some point in the evening, Scooter informed us that the Roosevelt Bridge between Kingston and Durant sways, and he had had to stop on it one time (due to traffic, I think), and noticed it then. Once again, I am not looking forward to the one over the Mississippi on I-40. I always dread bridges of any sort, anyway, but that one is just...yikes... +Kyle jokingly said he was going to cross it and I could follow him or not, but I don't think he realizes just how much they scare me. Worse than high places. Upon a Googling, I find the term to be "gephyrophobia", and that it is a fairly common fear. Meh. Doesn't make me not have to drive over it!

Overall, it was a great day. I can't believe how much I'm going to miss these outings with our illustrious friend - even when he's on a down cycle. Yes, we'll do similar activities with friends in Alabama...I'm really trying to look forward to that...but this especially hurts.
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Saturday was a late-getting-started day. We slept until about 11:00, then called Scooter at work to see if he still wanted to go to the range before VJ's luau. He said sure, so I ran to The Dreaded (Mini) Mart of Wal for ammo while +Kyle got the guns ready.

At the store, a couple of guys probably in their 40s - one of them had a kid around age 10 - were getting fishing supplies or something. I was at the counter rattling off the different ammunition sizes I needed to the clerk, and one of the guys asked if I was going into the military. ^_^ It struck me as funny, but I just smiled and said that no, I was going to the range for some target practice.

Scooter has just moved in with Rick, as the dorms at MSC have been sold to the Chickasaw Nation for some other use, and the new dorms haven't been built yet. Rick lives upstairs at the funeral home in Tish. It's a *very* strange arrangement, but it sounds like a sweet deal - $250 a month, all bills paid! Rick lucked out for sure, and I guess they're splitting the rent now.

Anyway, we got to their apartment around 12:30, and he had basically decided not to go. His car had been overheating after the shortest of drives (like from Rick's to the Shamrock station and back...maybe a mile round-trip.) So he wanted to look at that, and was in rather an unpleasant mood from our conversation the previous evening. He'd been late to work - a first for him - and was just not really in the mood.

+Kyle was pretty distraught over this, as the disagreement & upset was his fault. He kept pushing last night, instead of letting the issue drop, and pushed way too far. We stood around for a little while just talking, and +Kyle apologized for being so paranoid, for not truly forgiving, being so accusatory, and the rest.

The other night we were talking, and he actually gave me credit for being able to think of a scheme to get him to end our marriage on his terms since he wouldn't do it on mine. Something about me being so ready to try to work things out as a way to throw him off guard so I could leave later or something. Short of being annoyed with his paranoia, I was flattered that he thought I was clever enough to come up with something that devious. I'm just not.

After much coercion, and finding that the Corsica was excessively low on water, we finally got Scooter to come with us to VJ's house to make an appearance and then leave at his discretion, as she'd said it was a 'come and go as you please' thing. By now, it was 2:00, so we told him that after we decided to leave, we'd come back by Rick's and see if he felt any better, and we could go to Western Inn or even the range, since it doesn't get dark until late.

So...VJ's luau was a lot of fun. I didn't know who all to expect, but besides the three of us, it was her family. She had the backyard set up with chairs, tables, and an inflatable water slide for the kids who would ostensibly be coming over later to play with Lynze. She also had one of those quick set up pools - the ring around the top is inflatable, and I guess it just fills itself. They're nifty, and work well! They are only just deep enough to swim a very little bit in, but one could get a pretty good whirlpool going if they tried. Oh! Must not forget, she had a slip 'n' slide type thing, too.

We all sat around and chatted about nothing in particular over summer sausage, fruits, veggies and soda. Oh wait, it's Oklahoma, so the word is 'pop'. My bad. ;) Anyway, VJ plans to go low carb, see about joining the reserves (I think?) when she gets her weight down, and I think she mentioned a career, but for the life of me, I can't remember it. I'm so proud of her, and it sounds like she has her plans figured out nicely. Brian seems to be supportive, so that's cool. ^_^

VJ had some cute games, too. One was a deal where you lay this ring on the ground, then try to flip these jellyfish-looking things into the ring. Problem is, they bounce erratically when they hit the ground, so the trick is to get them high enough where they bounce more controllably. We all eventually got the hang of that one. Scooter left after about an hour, which was longer than we'd expected, but he seemed to have an enjoyable time, so we thanked him for letting us kidnap him.

Lynze had played in the pool already, and been out, but wanted back in, so I went in to get changed, and we played for awhile. It was a warm day, and the water was a good temperature - just slightly chilly, but not enough to be unpleasant. We had fun doing that, and when she wanted out, she, VJ and I all played with the slip 'n' slide. I don't remember it hurting that much when I was 10. LOL! It was fun, though. Lynze and I played in the little slide thing, too, but I didn't slide. It had a small pool, so we just sat in it and tried to hook these inflatable rings on the pokey-things in front. It was rather silly, but fun, anyway. Lynze is a trip.

VJ also had two badminton raquets and birdies. Lynze wanted to play that, but she's 5, so she swings wildly most of the time. Eventually, she figured out that she could swing more gently, and then I had a chance of hitting it back to her. We got it going back and forth three or four times, then she got excited and whacked it across the yard. LOL! Ah well. Eventually, one of her swings resulted in the pink birdie landing on the roof, well out of reach.

After more noshing, chatting, and visiting, +Kyle and I left around 4:30.

As promised, we went back up to Rick's to see if Scooter wanted to go out to the range. We really didn't expect him to, but had offered and wanted to make good as this would be the last chance. Surprisingly, he did! So we went and shot for about two hours. He's not comfortable around guns, but did pretty well, considering, and really seemed to enjoy the events. We all tried out +Kyle's sniper rifle, which isn't sighted properly, so none of us hit what we wanted to, or even got very close, but it was still fun. Of the semiautomatic pistols, I can't decide if I like the 1911 or the Taurus better. I didn't shoot the .22 this time, but we all giggled about the toy-like ping it makes when compared to the bigger stuff.

The best part was when we got out the shotgun. +Kyle put a new recoil pad on it, and it is SO nice to shoot now! Before, it would bruise your shoulder because there was no absorption. Now the kick is anything but unpleasant, and of course that BOOM! is satisfying. We all took a shot with it, and then I rounded up some cans and bottles that other people had left, laying them out on the table. (Actually, I had done this earlier to practice with the 9 mil, but I only hit one of them - at the bottom, and it went FLYING up and back about 10-15 feet. That was just funny.

But back to the shotgun! We had those cans and things lined up, and I took the first shot, and caused serious harm to a Gatorade bottle. We all did, and finally we bunched them all up, and Scooter took a shot, and they arced up and back in perfect Hollywood fashion at 10:00, 11:00, 1:00 and 2:00. It wouldn't have been a more beautiful shot if it had been planned. I really wish we'd had video of it.

The containers were long past being useful by this point, the cans shredded, and the bottles even moreso.

It was around 7:00 by this time, and we decided to pack it in and go, sans coffee break, as Scooter was pretty well exhausted. I think he told us later that he crashed around 9:00.

Don't remember much of the rest of the evening. It was probably spent in much talk, and likely some DDR, as well.

Tuesday

May. 11th, 2004 06:54 pm
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Nancy finished my costume. It's hella cool, and absolutely incredible work. We had one last fitting before she hemmed the bottom of the bodice, and we just sat and talked about miscellany for about an hour. We talked a little about the move, but not much, and it's a good thing.

Anyway, pictures will be forthcoming. I made the cloak, and it's pretty good. It flows beautifully - am considering lining it with a red metallic flecked material that I just love, but it won't flow the same if I do, so I'm going to have to try a small piece of the two materials first.

Jim came in a couple of times - they're taking a vacation somewhere this summer, and he was getting a place reserved. Their whole family gets together for *everything*. It's pretty cool. ^_^

Leaving was hard. I managed to not break up until after driving off, but after that was the end. I'm going to miss them so much, especially Nancy. I finally realized who she reminds me of so much...Kathy...

And lastly, some fitting words from Chobits...


"Oh, no, I’m fine. I only feel like an angel who was sitting on cloud 9, playing my harp without a care in the world, when all of a sudden, my wings were ripped off, sending me plummeting down to hell and the sulfurous Abyss of Pure Misery." - Hideki
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Work was long. I have so much to do and no time in which to do it. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I will probably end up working late just to do the *usual* tasks, and I still have the end-of-month jobs to do from April. The graduation and Sand Bass festival tabloids have been taking up ALL of my normally spare time for the past few weeks. Today was much the same.

After work, we went to the MSC graduation ceremony. +Kyle really doesn't know why he decided to walk, but I'm glad he did. We got there, and he got changed into his robe and hat, then wandered off to find the other graduates so they could get into formation and all. I wandered into the crowded field to find a seat, preferably with friends. I walked right past Micah and another girl. They were with some guy and his son, and I *think* Susan's son. Can't remember any of their names, but I've seen them around.

Micah yelled, and I turned, realizing who had been there the whole time, and so I sat with them. I had taken the folding recliner, since that's the only portable chair we had. Micah was incredulous at how cool it was, and I traded chairs with her, because it's really more of a gaming chair than a sit-down-at-an-event-and-try-not-to-fall-asleep chair.

Shavonn came up shortly thereafter, and sat with all of us, too. Mike and Lydia were almost directly behind us - just a few seats over to the left. Roger's girlfriend and I guess his parents (or maybe it was Jeff's parents) sat with them, too, so I saw a lot of people right off the bad. Alan came up from somewhere and said hi, but Rodney is out of money, and therefore out of gas, so he wasn't around. Bummer! Guess I won't be getting his autograph after all. :P That kid is going to be famous someday.

Anyway, Micah was talking on her cellphone, so I chatted with Mike and Alan for a few. Nancy was graduating, so we were proud of her for that. Lydia was working in the cafeteria, so I didn't actually see her right away. Scooter wandered up after awhile, but the ceremony was about to start so he sat with the rest of us.

The ceremony was pretty good. It was outdoors, and a simply gorgeous day, although it was probably murderously hot for the grads, in their polyester robes. :P Dr. Peterson (the president) is leaving MSC, for a more important job in...Ohio?...being a grandfather. He spoke for a minute, introduced much of the faculty, and then another fellow, Kermit McMurray, I think, got up to speak. He had some pretty good things to say, but he's not a public speaker by any stretch of the imagination. The whole concept was staying educated for your whole life, and learning to do the things that are right over what you want to do. Self-sacrifice, morality and what's wrong with the nation (i.e., poverty, illness, etc.), and what we can do to help these things. It was supposed to be motivational, but it was so long, and he so overly verbose (Frasier gots nothing on this guy!) that the meaning was lost.

After that, I think Dr. Peterson got back up and they started calling names of people to get their degrees. I got some pictures of Nancy, JoAnna, +Kyle, and VJ, of course, who was the only reason I wanted to go until I found out +Kyle had decided to walk as well. I'm really proud of her for finally getting her degree. She's been going to school off and on for something like the last 15 years. I'm proud of +Kyle, too. The past two years have been a real struggle, and it's good to see some of the fruits of his labors...mine, too, I guess.

Close to the end, Tamica was called, and more people cheered for her than for anyone else. Everyone loves her, and she has been at every event that I can recall being at. She's great, and I wish I'd gotten to know her more personally than just hi-howya-doin'?

Afterward, we all split up to find our respective friends to congratulate them. I went where +Kyle *had* been sitting, thinking I'd catch him before he got too far, but he had vanished, as had VJ, so I wandered around, finding Joanna and Roger first, and then I saw +Kyle, and made my way over there. We went around together and found several people to congratulate, especially VJ. We found Mike, and he said to meet him and Lydia at his apartment because they were going to [livejournal.com profile] bitchness' afterward. Wai! Awesome Heather! ^_^

+Kyle stopped to talk to Dr. Peterson for a minute, and we talked to Debbie Combs, who congratulated us on the move and told us to come back and visit. We found Susan Branch, who nearly cried, but said she wouldn't. We're especially going to miss her - she's done so very much for us since day one. If I were going to work at a college, I would want her kind of job, because she's involved with the students right from the start. She also told us we need to come back and visit.

A lot of people are telling us this. I hope it's not long before we come back to see everyone.

Anyway, I ran to get some more water in the library, and +Kyle went to the truck so we could get out. We hadn't been able to find Joanna all evening, but fortunately her parents' van was parked out quite near our truck, so we got to see her after all. ^_^

+Kyle found a rose somewhere - dropped or lost, no doubt, but he gave it to me. ^_^ I always thought I didn't care about things like that - insignificant in the great scheme of things...but when you're in that moment, and it's the sweetest thing imaginable... Yeah, I like those cheesy romantic-type things. It's strange having them come from +Kyle, because he's so...unemotional... It's hard to say how I feel about it.

So we went to Mike's apartment, and talked with him and Lydia for about 20 minutes while [livejournal.com profile] bitchness cleaned up her house some. Mike has a white rat named Sniff, rescued from the Vet Tech program this semester. They don't simply destroy the animals that are used in the program, but he didn't want to see her wind up as someone's dissection exercise, either. She is pretty cute - probably average rat size, not one of the big ugly nasty ones.

Anyway, after those few minutes, we followed them to [livejournal.com profile] bitchness' house. We just sat and chatted about not much of anything in particular for awhile. I guess Mike and Lydia stayed about an hour. +Kyle and I weren't exactly sure what to do, being that we were guests of guests, but we like [livejournal.com profile] bitchness, too, so we stayed another hour or so. We talked about politics, movies, music, and that kind of thing. She's getting ready to move in a few weeks, too - Seattle.

Don't remember when we left or got back to the house, but it was late, and we were up later, because we slept WAY in Saturday...

More on Saturday...later!

Wednesday

May. 5th, 2004 12:47 pm
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Dreamed and remembered for the first time in ages this morning.

Niki once again reaches my prized (Hah!) Quote of the Day status...


On the high carb content of fast food:

Niki: *holds out a breaded stick of something* "They're pizza sticks...want one?"

Me: "No, but thank you for offering."

Niki: Oh, that's right, I forgot...They're carbonated...


*shakes head and giggles* I am so going to miss you, Niki. Can I kidnap you and take you with me?

Edith came in wearing a long bright pink wig and cowboy hat this morning. That was an absolute riot, and I wish I'd had my camera today...too too fun. See, last week she came in with this adorable pixie cut, dyed beyond red. (Red #36, I think she called it. :P) Marsha and Clara liked it, but gave her all kinds of heck about it anyway, so it was funny. Edith decided to 'show them' this week, and we all had a giggle over it.

I'm going to miss that woman and her antics. I hope she writes down all her stories someday...they're too wonderful to lose forever. Jay, too, for that matter. They've both been through so much.

Well...after dreamjournaling and blogging here, my lunch hour is gone, so...back to the grindstone.
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So we talked with Don today. He didn't really tell us anything we didn't either know or hadn't already figured out over the past few weeks, but the session went well. He's very to-the-point.

The real thing was he prayed with and over us just before we left. We both repented of everything that separates us from God (and by proxy, each other). We asked and accepted forgiveness, and asked for cleansing of our hearts so that God can take over and heal.

So, yeah. Not that you can really trust your feelings, but...I feel good about this. If nothing else, it's a baby step.
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I have been sick ALL WEEK. It just started with a sore throat Saturday, but I didn't really think anything about it. It's Spring...allergy season galore, etc. Sunday it was about the same, but Monday it was definitely uncomfortable. Tuesday, I decided it was definitely a cold, but figured I wasn't contagious by this point. Wednesday, I was miserable and really needed to not be at work, but as it was Wednesday, I kinda didn't have much choice. Thursday, I stayed home. I was just exhausted from it - slept much of the day, and part of the night as well. Thursday night, we watched Lost in Translation, which was sweet, but also a very sad story, to me. Hits a little close to home right now.

Friday, I was better enough to come back to work, so all is more or less well. So Friday night, we partayed! ^_^ It was a last-minute thing, because VJ and I had planned to go out on the 30th, but things didn't pan out because she's got so much to do here right before graduation. So +Kyle got in touch with Scooter and we all decided to hang out...but what to do? Nothing really worthy opened this weekend, and anyway, we saw Punisher last weekend, and are going for Van Helsing next weekend. Too many movies in a row gets boring. We debated over skating, bowling, going to Sherman and hitting the mall/arcade, going to Stagecoach for karaoke, or just renting like 48 hours worth of movies and making ourselves sick. LOL!

The weather was absolutely horrendous. Lovely green sky, perfect tornadic conditions. We drove through it on the way out to Jim & Nancy's. We prayed for only rain, and from what I have heard, there was no tornadic activity, and very little hail in Marshall County, so we're very thankful for that. We did get a fantastic light and sound show, though, so that was fun.

So we debated for nearly an hour over what to do while the sky cleared, and finally decided that it was really too late to go to Sherman if we weren't going to stay for a movie. None of us was really up for karaoke. My voice is still shot, anyway, so it's just as well. I doubt the guys would get up and sing anyway. :P +Kyle and I at least will go skating next Saturday, and Sunday afternoon we'll all hit Sherman for the mall, Van Helsing, and Chinese. Probably not in that order. So that left our old standby of bowling, and boy was it FUN! ^_^ The lanes were good and slick this time, despite the weather.

We rented a lane for two hours, and did pretty well compared to our usual. Lucky lane #13. The highest game (total for the three of us) was 399. I actually made it over 100 in that game. I think my average is about 80 now, and they each tend to average around 100, I'm going to guess. Still, we played some pretty bad games, too. We can usually get four games in two hours. Sometimes we manage to start a fifth, but only if one of our games involved a lot of strikes. +Kyle didn't want anything to drink, so Scooter got a pitcher of Budweiser, and we split it just about halfway, but it took nearly the two hours to finish. :P Beer is actually pretty good when you're doing some kind of activity, and everything is just a little bit funnier for awhile. I can see why people like to drink it when they're working outside in the heat, but I'd still rather have something fruity.

So after the first game, the guys were hungry. It was after 10, so pretty much everything in Durant was closed, but Taco Mayo was still open, so we went in there. The food is pretty good, but overpriced in my opinion. It's way spicy compared to most fast food "Mexican". The cashier was cool, and the rest of the night crew was tired, but entertaining. Everyone was really nice. It definitely takes a certain kind of person to work night shifts like that. The rain really started coming down hard again, so we waited around awhile, but it let up before they closed at 11:00, so we went back to the bowling place.

Being after 10:00, it was cyber bowling for two hours. They bump the price up by $5, for a foggy, darkened room lit with strobes and black lights. It's kinda cool, because the music mix is better - more techno, danceable stuff. The fog gets a little irritating to the eyes about the end of those two hours, though. Anyway, we decided it was worthy, and played another round. First game, I made a strike right off the bat, which was cool enough, but when they start the cyber bowl, they randomize this orange pin with white stripes as the head pin. If someone makes a strike when that pin comes up, they win cash on the spot. No pressure!

So about the third round of that game, that orange pin came up in our lane...on my turn... T_T NO PRESSURE, remember? I don't even know WHAT I did, but whatever it was, it was like magic, because I knocked every single one of those pins down, and we got back our $25 for the game. I don't know if anyone else applauded, but we were all totally crunk over it at our table. WAI! THAT was completely awesome. I just did this lame football dance the whole way to the desk, I was so beside myself. I can't believe I made that strike.

Consequently, I pulled something in my hand and bowled terribly for the rest of the night, but it was still much fun, overall. We finished out the second two hours, and all bowled pretty badly, as we were getting tired, but that was okay. We went to Waffle Shoppe for coffee around 1:30.

I got quite buzzed by mistake, so I now know my alcohol tolerance is just under than one pitcher over four hours. I definitely wasn't drunk, because I was fine after one cup of coffee and subsequent trip to the loo, nor do I have a hangover this morning. I was just a bit wobbly, and pretty much everything was funny for about 20 minutes, and then I was fine. So I won't be drinking that much again. Fun, but not THAT fun.

So what did we talk about until about 3:30 in the AM? All kinds of interesting topics like:
Ecoterrorism
The planet's natural ability to maintain itself without the help of mankind (and in fact, how mankind's attempts to "save the planet" often create worse problems than we perceive - i.e., smog in overforested areas, and other ozone related problems.)
The Myth of Overpopulation
Viruses (bodily, not digital - everything from ebola to the flu - and why relying on antibiotics is only helping the weak to survive longer - not increase longevity of LIFE)
Said Longevity - People are living longer years now, but their bodies are breaking down at earlier ages than, say, 50 years ago. Mr. Hamby comes to mind.

Hmm...that's the first time I've remembered so many topics so readily over coffee. Interesting.

Well, I'm off to cut out my cloak, and hopefully get it sewn up, as I'm going for the last fitting at Nancy's tomorrow. Then I need a DDR fix in a major way.

'Nother post on why this worked out so well at some point, but...not yet...
lsdiamond: (Default)
Well, we are 99.9% sure that the problems with my system are because of that RAM. It won't even get past the option screen you hit F8 to access anymore. +Kyle's going to test it with one of his sticks this afternoon - just leave my system running and see if I get any more random restarts from it.

Had interesting dreams two nights ago, but I removed my pencil from the bedside table drawer for some reason, and didn't have anything to write keywords down with. One of them was animated, and the girl I was with looked a bit like Kim Possible (which is funny, since I've only ever seen the toys at The Dreaded Mart of Wal). We were in an underground facility of some sort, but I don't know if we were spies, or if we were out clubbing. She erased the line around one of her eyes and re-drew it at one point, but that seemed perfectly normal at the time...no different than fixing one's makeup.

I remember a large man in the second dream, but nothing else.

I dreamed last night, too, but it faded as soon as I got up, so I didn't have time for keywords. Sigh. Must get back into practice.

My costume is nearly finished. One more fitting, and it's done. I'd like to get my cloak sewn tonight so that if I'm up to it this weekend, and she's available, I can get out of Nancy's hair. Not that she minds at all...she's invited me to come learn how to work a garden over the summer, depending on how long we're here. She can use the help, and we enjoy each other's company. Don't think I've ever mentioned it, but she's left-handed, too.

Beat my DDR combo score last night - 120. I've got As on almost all the songs that are unlocked. When I have at LEAST an A on each song, I'll move up to the next difficulty, but I'd like to try for those AAAs.

Haven't played Vice City much lately. I've been dubbed "sick and twisted" for my in-game serial slayings of hookers:

I ride a motorcycle or moped. I'm very careful to obey traffic laws, which seems to throw off the game's AI somewhat. It's not designed for obedience.
I carry a baseball bat.
Billie Jean plays on the radio.
I seek one out, hide in an alley or around a corner until she passes, then saunter up behind her.
I bludgeon her to death...then beat her some more...then get pissed if she doesn't have any cash, but that isn't the point of the killing, so it doesn't matter too much. Then I hit her again, and leave.

So far, I've been spotted by a rent-a-cop twice, but I always outrun them until my wanted level goes away.

Lots to write about. Large decisions. For now, my brain is too full and I'm getting over a nasty spring cold, so I'm tired to boot. Maybe this weekend.

Musicology

Apr. 28th, 2004 05:20 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
In response to one of [livejournal.com profile] cougarkittyn's recent posts...

Oklahoma has brought about a lot of changes for me, not the least of which is an entirely new genre of music. Kyle would probably say I've been corrupted, but the truth is I've always had something of a soft spot for country-western music. There have always been at least one or two songs that I really enjoyed. I griped about it when I worked at The Railroad Bazaar, because it's all Sandy would listen to, and true, it wasn't really "my thing" at the time, but still there were one or two songs that I heard enough to remember, and honestly enjoyed at the time.

But I denied it for a long time, because I had this perception about the people who listen to such music. Drunken, ignorant rednecks, one and all...right? I hate to admit it because I told myself I wasn't that kind of person, but I think there was a sense of "I'm better than that" in my attitude.


And don't forget the fact that all country music is about 1) losing your woman, 2) losing your truck, 3) losing your best friend, or 4) some combination of the three...right?


I have yet to meet any such person here...and a majority of them listen to country-western at least as a part of their musical diet. I look at people like Jon, Edith, VJ, and our many MSC friends. Some of them do get quite drunk, and frequently. Some of them are unquestionably rednecks. Some of them are...rather ignorant...but they're all wonderful people, and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything.

Some artists currently in my playlist:
Kenny Chesney
John Michael Montgomery
Toby Keith
Allison Krauss (although I'm not sure I can get past her voice...)
Faith Hill (debatable - they play her on pop stations, too)
Keith Whitley

I've barely scratched the surface. There are many songs I've heard in our various club experiences, and yes, a lot of them are extremely sad...but not all. Unrequieted love is the oldest story in the world, and it's been told by every type of music, and every art form throughout the ages. But then there are the peppy ones that make you just have to smile. And the ones that make you remember what love feels like. The ones that speak of higher things - freedom, forgiveness, and things worth fighting and dying for...

Funny how sometimes just the right song can turn your life and your perceptions upside down.

Music is such a powerful tool.

Birthdae

Apr. 24th, 2004 08:01 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Happy Birthday to Me!

Today was a pretty good day, overall. Not much really went on for the first half. I got up around 8:00 so I could check email and such before running some errands around town.

First, I took laundry to the 'mat, and then ran to the post office for a couple of cube boxes. Those two eBay auctions NEED to go out Monday. Then I went to Wesley's Closet to look for clothes. Being the 4th Saturday, it was bag sale day - $1.00 for you to cram as many clothes as you can into a standard size plastic grocery bag. Not a bad deal. I think I got about a dozen pairs of jeans for +Kyle and myself for $4, plus some workout shorts and a couple nice shirts. Eat that, Old Navy!

Ran back to the laundromat and put things in the dryer. Next, onto The Dreaded (Mini) Mart of Wal for some cough drops, as I'd woken with a nasty cough, much like when I'm coming down with something. I'm pretty sure I am. :P Bleh. Saw George out in the parking lot, corralling shopping carts. He seemed in good spirits as per usual.

Back to the laundromat for a second round through the dryer, then went back to the house to see if it was "safe". +Kyle had said he needed me out of the house *anyway*, so he could wrap my pressie. He was finished with that, so I checked email and such before going back for the clothes.

+Kyle called the guys back about taking Washu, and they agreed to. +Kyle drove her out there, and said that she was just as happy as anything after her initial "I'm meeting someone new" growl. He misses her, but I think we did the right thing giving her up. She needs more room than we can give her at this time, and probably for awhile. She needs a pack. These people have a huge place and several animals for her to befriend. They have several years' experience in caring for and breeding them. +Kyle said their animals weren't as pretty as Washu, though.

So later, +Kyle ran out and got a cake for the party, and picked up something else, but I don't remember what it was. We just basically vegged for a couple of hours. I think there was talking, but that would have put me in a poor mood for the day, so I think we dropped it. We took about an hourlong nap, since it was likely we'd be out late, at least with the movie.
We got ready to go around 3:00 and left at 4:00. I forgot the camera, and we had to come back for it; fortunately it was easy to find, and we realized it was missing only just after the first bridge, so it wasn't terribly out of our way.

We stopped by Clary's to see if they were still open for an imprinting, but they close at noon on Saturdays. D'oh... A quick run by the ATM, and then we went to Simple Simon's to wait on people. It was right at 4:30 like we expected.

Everyone was there by 5:00 except VJ. Mike & Lydia, Scooter, Micah, and Joanna were all there, and VJ came very shorly after 5:00. Brian wasn't feeling well, which was sad, because we like him. Joanna's boyfriend was also unable to make it, which was fine, because we don't really know him. We took LOTS of pictures. Everyone got along famously, so it was great. We all talked about everything under the sun, mostly just goofing off, and telling stories on ourselves. I wish I remembered entire conversations like that better. I need to start carrying around a tape recorder. :P

Presents! I had told +Kyle to make sure people knew NO GIFTS, but somehow that word was not spread to everyone. This was meant to be rather a Hobbit birthday. Mike and Lydia bestowed upon me a copy of Tales of Mystery and Imagination by The Alan Parsons Project, which ROCKS. VJ brought me some new face paint (haha! - eyeliner and the like). The pièce de résistance was from my family - DDR Max 2 with 2 gamepads. Muahahaha! I have already gotten a 111 combo, albeit only on Beginner Mode. I've played at least a half hour every day since, and today over an hour.

The cake was a disaster. Oh, yes, it was good. Fudge. Chocolate icing. Tasty. But ugh. +Kyle nearly went into a diabetic coma after eating his. Really, we all did. I definitely got sick on it, and I didn't eat nearly the whole piece. Sugar and I just do not get along. We all agreed it was divine, but also of the devil. LOL

Everyone dissolved around 7:00, which was about as long as we expected. It had been a quiet evening at Simple Simon's, so we didn't bother anyone, and no one bothered us. The manager gave us a sweet deal on dinner since we were having so many people.

So, Scooter, +Kyle and I had already been planning to go see The Punisher all week, so we went down to Jim & Nancy's to shoot some pool before heading down to Sherman, since we'd miss the 7:30 showing by now. Much of their extended family was there due to Promise's baby shower. Tyla and a cousin were watching The Haunted Mansion, so we saw about the second half of that. It really is kindof a cute movie. Cheesy as all, but cute.

Got to Sherman about half an hour early for the 10:30 showing. We'd seen all the previews except for The Village. This was funny. I had just said not 5 seconds before that promo came up that I was ready for a new M. Night Shamaylan film. Voila! It really does look interesting, and I'm glad to see Joaquin Phoenix in another one of his films.

So The Punisher was freaking AWESOME! )

So after the movie, we went for the customary coffee and chat, this time at IHOP. This is definitely my favorite so far. Waffle Shoppe...ehh... Denny's...very not bad... IHOP...magnifique... Oh dear, am I becoming a coffee snob? Help! There is a Starbuck's in Sherman, after all. But I doubt they're open late, and we only drink coffee after midnight...

So I think the next movie we're going to see is going to be Van Helsing... Really looking forward to that one!

Fridae

Apr. 23rd, 2004 10:53 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Friday evening was much fun. +Kyle & I debated what to do for quite some time, and had just about decided to go pick up a DVD player. I had to run back to work to pick up this week's paper, and when I got back, we had company - Scooter was on his way to his parents' house for the weekend, and stopped to say hi and see if we wanted to go do anything. We stood on the porch for about an hour just mulling over ideas and seeing who could do the most pull-ups on the rafters. (+Kyle did three, over-handed, no less.)

It started to get dark, and we considered either bowling or skating. Ardmore or Durant. Potential for clubbing afterward about the same. Decent coffee vs. not so great coffee. We opted for the coin method of choosing, and heads was bowling, so it was off to Durant after a change of clothes. Fortunately, we had all already eaten.

Durant Bowling Center was still having their April special - $20 for 2 hours at a lane, and a free pitcher of whatever you want to drink. Not a bad deal.

The weather was dreadfully humid, and the air conditioning inside wasn't high enough to do much about it. Everything stuck to everything else. Next time I'm bringing some powder or something for my hands. Yuck.

The first two games, I don't think any of us broke 80. I don't think I even broke 50, actually. Just could not find that rhythm. It didn't help that the first lane they put us in was warped or something. The floor was sticky, too. All in all, it was pretty bad. They moved us two lanes over, and things improved, but still no one was scoring very well. +Kyle did better than either Scooter or me - combined, in some cases. LOL! Poor S. just could not find it for anything. I felt kinda bad for him, but he seemed to be having a good time, despite. There is also the fact that he was on his very last cigarette (of which we're VERY proud!)

About halfway through the third game, I found it. I can finally bowl left-handed, I can step off properly, my speed is WAY up (like double what it was) and I even made a couple of strikes. THAT was satisfying. ^_^ I think I had a 10 lb. ball, down from a 12, although thinking back, it could have been as light as an 8. I'm pretty sure it was a 10, though, because the 6 was WAY too light.

Speaking of a 6, one of the guys found a bright orange ball on a nearby lane, and they both started playing with it, throwing it in rather a shot-put fashion. +Kyle kept getting strikes with the stupid thing. Scooter lost his balance in doing so, and managed to fling himself into the lane instead. We all laughed, and he said that he really should have just gotten up and taken a bow after that one. LOL! I want to say he managed to knock one pin down, but I can't remember for certain.

I think we managed 4 and a half games. I was doing pretty well by the end of the evening, and even Scooter managed to win the final game, but +Kyle smacked us both around, scorewise. He was just on. I'm definitely hoping to be able to get over 100 next time we play. I think I can do it now that I've found where I need to be. I have a killer hook, so with practice, I should be able to cultivate it into something useful.

+Kyle doesn't need any help. He made three strikes in a row during one game, and at least two others separately in the same game. I'm pretty sure Scooter will do better next time, since he'll be detoxed.

Next time, we're going to go on a Sunday night when they have a $5 cover charge, and each game is a quarter. Should be a little cheaper that way, and we can stay longer than two hours if we so choose.

About 11:30, our two hours were up, so we went to the Waffle Shoppe for coffee and chit-chat. It was good that we did so, because as soon as we got there, the bottom fell out of the sky and drenched Durant. The power kept going out for a second or two, but the weird thing was how badly the weather affected the radio.

We talked about all kinds of oddities. +Kyle's whole "the land before time was only this big" big bang thing kept creeping up throughout the evening. I can't remember specific topics. We wander from one thing to another every time, and it's always just interesting.

Don't remember how late we stayed out, but it was great, as always.
lsdiamond: (Default)
So last Sunday, before we went out to Jim & Nancy's, Scooter got the shock of his life... 12 volts across his heart - in one arm, and out the other. (1.2 volts can kill you if it crosses your heart.) Jim was welding on the shop we've all been helping to build, and apparantly something slipped.

Anyway, he was fine for a couple of days, but then started having severe chest pains, and yesterday, his left arm started going numb at various intervals. That's kinda scary.

So I've been praying (and worrying) about this for some time now - that any damage done would be completely healed, and that his overall health would be surprising to the doctors in charge.

Today he was able to see someone at the Kingston clinic about it. They said that the jolt basically threw off his heart's rhythm, and to take ibuprofen for the pain for awhile. The numbness should stop in a few weeks. He's fine. Thank you, Lord!

Not only that, but they said he is in far better health than he should be after a shock like that. He said his blood pressure is better than it's ever been in his life. Second answer to prayer.

Needless to say, I feel a lot better now.

Exhaustion

Apr. 21st, 2004 08:52 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
I am utterly spent.

Friday was not exacly relaxing, but mostly spent with friends, so it wasn't too bad.

Saturday was absolutely harrowing. I honestly don't remember most of it. I was so tired all day, and all +Kyle and I did was talk.

I've said in times past that my brain is fried, but it's never been like this. I have gotten to the point where my body literally cannot stay awake because my brain is so tired from talking and thinking. I'll start to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation just because I can't handle any more.

Sunday was much the same, but we made a lot of progress. I told +Kyle about the inappropriate touching when I was little. I really hadn't made the connection to all the problems of resentment toward +Kyle stemming from that. I know it's where my inability to forgive myself comes from. But when I told him, he said that a lot of other things made sense now. I guess they do make more sense to me, too, now, but I still feel like one of those people who tries to hang all their problems on a "traumatic childhood". I'd buried it a long time, and it would pop up now and then, but was never anything that I truly considered serious, short of my own lack of self-forgiveness.

The other individual involved in the situation is not important. I have never held it against them - only myself, for being afraid of "being told on", and for being afraid that the authority figure would not side with me, even though I *knew* the situation was inherently wrong.

I suddenly realize why I feared being in the wrong with that authority figure. I was placed in a daycare for a short time, and the "caretaker", such as she was, was not kind to me (or the other kids, I'd imagine). I got picked on a lot at that daycare. I recall being held down by bigger kids so they could take my gum. I wasn't generally included in games - even when they'd say I could play, I was ignored. I tried to get the caretaker's attention when I saw something was wrong, or felt I was being mistreated, but she always said I was a tattle-tale and not to bother her with that. She was just mean. Her bratty granddaughter bit me once, and I admittedly retaliated by tripping her, but I was the one placed in the corner, despite showing the caretaker the teeth marks that left a bruise. Her granddaughter was not found at fault at all.

I am grateful that I was not in that place for very long.

How can I forgive myself for allowing something wrong to happen? Have I not truly forgiven those who mistreated me and whose who did not defend me when I was in pain? How can I stop this pattern in my life?
lsdiamond: (Default)
One of these days, I will learn to listen to my own advice.

I knew from the start of this how things would have to turn out. No one could escape a situation like this unscathed. What I didn't realize was that I was the one doing most of the hurting on all sides. No one *told* me so, but I should have realized it, being that I was in the middle of everything.

Anyway... All is forgiven. All parties are healing. We all remain friends. Ground rules have been set, and I have peace and faith that we will all be stronger for it. Stronger people, *and* stronger friends.

Remember last Tuesday, how my one prayer was for that "move out" to be for the best for +Kyle & me? Frankly, I expected to have lost everything within three days - +Kyle for his anger, Phoenix for needing to be alone, my family for running away, and my friends for lack of understanding of what I felt I needed to do.

Instead, we all have been granted grace. My husband has come to realize all the harm he has done to me, and appears to be working to correct it. He's also forgiven me all the wrongs I've done to him. We have both come to love a good friend more deeply than mere emotions can dictate, and the three of us will be better for the things we have been through together. My family has respected my need for space, and, though I'm sure they're still displeased with the way I "handled" things, I truly believe that it was the only way, and that I was right in doing so the way I did. +Kyle said it was the wake-up call he needed, and has nothing bad to say about the results, although my leaving hurt him deeply.

You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, right?

Anyway... +Kyle has made phenomenal changes just since Sunday. Truthfully, I am having a hard time accepting that he means it. I'm so used to being manipulated that I see him changing tactics so he can keep control of me another way. Still, I *hope* he is for real. Time will tell if he really means it. Gamegod says he's grown up a lot in the past few days, so I have hope.

We're looking for some kind of counselor, but are not having a lot of success. Too many people who know either one of us already. We want a completely impartial person - someone we've never met, but who has a good reputation in the area.

Some things came together for me on Sunday, too. It's long, painful, and nothing I care to go into here. Suffice it to say, +Kyle understands why I have reacted to situations the way I have, and frankly, now I understand a little bit better, too.

My only question now is...how do you learn to forgive yourself? I can forgive anyone for anything. I can accept forgiveness from others, even when I know it's the last thing I deserve. But I can't..or maybe I won't...give myself that luxury, and +Kyle says it's something I absolutely have to do...for things that are 20 years old, in some cases.

To rebuilding bridges, and learning new things.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm reminded that it was only a week ago that Nancy and I were talking about this situation, albeit not *everything* involved. It feels like a month.

I forget exactly what brought it up, but there was the subject of happiness. She mentioned that you can't step on other peoples' toes for your own happiness. But, at the same time, you can't try to make everyone else happy - you have to make *yourself* happy, because no one else really knows how. I think that was the gist of what she was saying. Knowing the way she believes, I understand that she was leading me to a conclusion without preaching at me. She understands that you sometimes have to let people make their own mistakes, and then show them that love, grace, and forgiveness I was talking about before.

So I understand that what I need to be concentrating on is "what would make God happy?"

The problem is that I don't know what that is. I know that 90% of the people I know are spouting "divorce is a sin" and "the wife's body is not hers, but her husband's" and how wrong I am for even being in the place I am right now, for allowing that vicious cycle to ever start. Listen, people, I already know that I've been wrong. I've been admitting that since I started coming out about all of this stuff. I took that speck out of my eye as soon as I saw it was there, and now I'm pointing out that some of you might just have splinters to contend with.

Do I think I'm better than you? No. I know better than that. None of us is better than anyone else in God's eyes. No one deserves anything more than death and hell. But look at what we have, despite what we deserve.

I have learned over the years that even advice given with the best intentions is not always good advice. I have learned over the years that no one congregation or individual has 100% of the truth correct. I have learned over the years that God is not the tyrant that many religions and "denominations" make Him out to be. Yes, He has a plan for everyone's life. It's the ideal path for any one person to take. And yes, there's only one way to reach Him - through Christ Jesus. But He also allows for the fact that humans are weak. He gives us an outline, but He also provides grace and forgiveness for the times when we go out of those bounds.


Sometimes we children run out into the street instead of staying in the safe playground. When that happens, He picks us up, kisses our skinned elbow, makes it better, and shows us the way to get back to the playground. He never ever drags us back with Him. He shows us what could be, and lets us decide whether to come with Him or continue playing in the street.


This is what I was talking about when I said that the Scott family has a more Christian love than most Christians I've ever met.

The one thing I am certain of that would make God happy is to treat others with love. Right now, I don't know exactly how to do that with certain people. I need time to learn how. I need space to learn how. Frankly, I need time and space just to learn how to treat *myself* with love, because I *really* don't know how to do that. How can I be expected to know when others are *truly* treating me with love?

I know I was put in a loving, Christian family for a reason. I just believe that maybe that reason was to teach them something they may not have thought of or realized before. I don't pretend to be any great scholar. But I do know that God gave me one gift for certain - a mind that doesn't work like everyone else's. It never has. It's caused a lot of problems for me. It takes longer to reach some conclusions than most people's. The path it takes is longer and more difficult, and the footing is usually unsure. I have a hard time with simple mathematics, for example. But when I am in a discussion with people, sometimes the most off-the-wall idea will come to my mind, and it takes awhile for me to explain it to where everyone understands where I am coming from. But once everyone does, it makes sense, and I have contributed something worthwhile, something useful. I have helped someone. I have been given the way to help someone.

+Kyle sat on the couch a minute ago, to try something that we had talked about over coffee Saturday morning. Scooter used to use the Bible as a tool of guidance. He would, when a situation arose that he didn't know how to handle, set a Bible up on its' edge, close his eyes, let it fall wherever, and run his finger down the page until it 'felt' right. He said never once did it fail to apply to what he needed at that time. He said that he understood then that the whole of the Word can apply to every situation we come across.

I'll note here that I used to use this method as well, especially in my teenage years. He never failed to show me the truth in whatever I was going through - even when it hurt to see that truth. +Kyle said Saturday morning that he had tried it over the years as well, but that it never worked for him, and he was frustrated by that. (I have a feeling it just didn't tell him what he wanted to hear...)

So +Kyle just now tried again, and was again frustrated by it "not working". Here's what he found:


Galatians 2:4-7
And this occurred because of false brethren secretly brought in (who came in by stealth to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage), to whom we did not yield submission even for an hour, that the truth of the gospel might continue with you. But from those who seemed to be something--whatever they were, it makes no difference to me; God shows personal favoritism to no man--for those who seemed to be something added nothing to me. But on the contrary, when they saw that the gospel for the uncircumcised had been committed to me, as the gospel for the circumcised was to Peter (for He who worked effectively in Peter for the apostleship to the circumcised also worked effectively in me toward the Gentiles),


Wow. That is exactly what I have been writing about for the past hour or so. Maybe +Kyle didn't see how it applied to the situation at the time, but I hope and pray he sees how it applies now.

Do I believe myself some visionary, some leader of a new order of Christianity? God forbid. But I do believe that He has granted me a small form of insight. No, I know it. +Kyle has told me on numerous occasions that he has seen the folly in not listening to my advice. As have others. If insight, sometimes even foresight, is not a God-given talent, then the church of Christ is correct in their beliefs that we no longer receive spiritual gifts from Him. But if they're wrong about that...what else are they wrong about?

I need to be away from influences from either side. From one who says, "I love you", from one who says "I love you more", from everyone who says I shouldn't even be in this situation (gee, I hadn't figured that one out). Away from potentially false brethren.

Maybe I should have VJ E.O.D. *my* ass for 72 hours. Maybe then people would leave me alone.

I see now that this goes deeper than a marriage that I now know was based in something that it shouldn't have been. (There's an example of +Kyle telling me I was right, he didn't listen, and now look where we are. He reminded me last night something I had long forgotten. I told him when he was pressuring me that people who have sex before they're married wind up having problems later in their marriage. Damn, I hate being right about things!) He admits now that we should have not only waited 'til after we had that piece of paper, that we should have waited to get married at all.

I'm not going to pull a Brainy Smurf here, but...damn...

This goes beyond my realization that our marriage for the wrong reason, and I have wondered for many years if it was even *valid* before the eyes of God because of that. This goes beyond my own "feelings" for any one person over another. This goes beyond the fact that we have been in a situation that is both spiritually and mentally unhealthy, and now that is creeping into my physical health, and could spread to others.

This goes beyond even my thoughts that +Kyle killed me a long time ago. It was a slow death...and I let it happen, even enabled it to happen in some cases, but it doesn't change the fact that I have been dead to him for so long that it is impossible to come back without a total rebirth. I am a pile of ashes, and everyone is trying to relight me. The phoenix rises from the ashes to become more than it was before...greater than it was before. He is hanging onto a lifeless corpse and trying to resuscitate it, when what is needed is to be buried and resurrected anew.

These are the things that lead me to believe that -all- parties concerned would be better off if +Kyle and I separate for awhile. Not permanently at this point. Not so I can date around and get what I missed out on because I got married before I was ready. So I can be alone for a time, to see where it is He really wants me to be. So I can learn who He wants me to be. So +Kyle and maybe even Scooter, if he's willing, can learn who He wants them to be.

I hear the collective sucking in of pained and angry breaths from here. How dare she turn her back on her vows? It's not turning your back if you're willing to allow for the fact that it's POSSIBLE to be healed.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I can't find the reference for this quote, short of it being an old proverb.

The promises +Kyle and I made to each other were broken before they were ever made. It has caused nothing but years of pain, heartache, deceit, misunderstanding, and has been a breeding ground for resentment on both sides of the equation.

Here is just one more small part of my quandary. He seems to treat me better than he used to...so I feel obligated to stay with him. The physical abuse has lessened, although there have been a couple of shoving matches here in Oklahoma, too, but my perception has been that he has merely changed his tactics of control. He tells me that he's never meant to be controlling, but my experiences and perceptions tell me not to believe that. Trust is a very large problem between us, and has always bee, even though we didn't always realize it, and not just because I kissed Scooter. When we first moved here, I had to work a lot of late nights, learning a new job. We had a scare that first summer because my period was really late, and the first thing he did was ask me what I was *really* doing all those nights I worked late. He didn't believe me until after we got me tested and it came back negative. He has never trusted me, even though I'd never given him reason not to trust me. Perhaps that's why I made the choice I did the other night. Perhaps I decided that it didn't matter if I remained trustworthy, since +Kyle didn't trust me anyway. Maybe I just wanted to hurt him.

I had an important event a few days ago - must have been last Wednesday or Thursday. I wrote about it somewhere, but can't find where that is - probably in my email box, and that's on my currently downed system.

I knew it wasn't the right time to share it in LJ then, but I believe now is the time. I wish I had access to the raw thoughts, but for now, this will have to do:


So I was really angry at God today about all this that's been going on. I'm hurting on several sides right now. My heart hasn't been in this marriage for so long. I've known it wasn't right, but didn't know how to fix it, and because of the reasons behind it not being right, I've been afraid to ask for help. Fearing +Kyle's reaction to something like that has also been a huge deterrent.

God doesn't usually answer me when I talk to Him - He usually only comes to me when I am refusing to acknowledge Him, but I don't care, so I asked the question anyway. Mary has been on my mind a lot lately, and I've feared being in the same situation as she.

So I asked, "Is it *really* possible for You to use divorce as a way to do Your will?"

The answer, as always, was calm, assured, and I knew Who it was.

"Even death can be used to do My will."

The funny thing was that it wasn't me asking if I should just up and leave +Kyle. I don't believe that was even necessarily what He meant by that answer. I am of the belief that He is telling me that no matter what happens in this, it's for the good of everyone involved. If it means +Kyle and I stay together, and work for years to get things patched, it will be because that's what's best. If we find it healthier to be apart, then that will be what is best. We must all simply trust God that whatever happens is truly for our benefit, and because He loves us.

Maybe the answer will be something no one expects.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Methinks it's time for a lighter post.

Friday I had requested off from work to attend and help out the Murray State College SGA with the Senior Day event. It's a way to draw local high-school soon-to-be grads to the college, show off the programs available, and enjoy some competitive camaradarie via games, and a tug-of-war over a vast mud pit.

So things didn't get off to a very good start. I'm so moody lately - one morning will wake up fine, another morning, totally unwilling to even try to be civil. I know I'm putting +Kyle through a lot of hell right now, but I really don't mean to. I just need time for awhile.

Anyway, I was pretty much in one of those 'determined not to have a good time right away' moods, despite having looked forward to this for several weeks. Got out there about 10 after 8, and got involved with everyone. The usual gang was there - Joanna, Micah, Mike, Lydia, Allen, Nancy, Rodney, a girl named Stephanie, and of course Susan, and others. We all milled around doing various necessary things until the kids started showing up. I guess it was maybe 9:00 when everything got started?

Anyway, everyone made for the various groups of kids who had congregated in the waiting chairs. Everyone had their own little cliques, of course - 4 or 5 here and there, most likely all friends from the same schools broken up into their groups by school. It was our job to bring everyone together into teams for the games.

There was one kid sitting by himself. He was goth, and either shy or shunned...doesn't really matter which. I remember being that kid sometimes. The first Big G.I.G. I attended comes to mind. Micah and I saw that he was the -only- high school student without either a friend or a team leader to talk to, so we decided to concentrate on him as a start, and maybe bring him into Joanna's group of kids. It didn't hurt that I'd decided to go goth, myself, that day. (Never Knock at Death's Door...) I hoped to be someone to whom he could relate a little, to break the ice.

I sat down to his left, a chair space between us, and Micah sat to my left. The kid's nametag read "Chris is my name." I really don't remember what all smalltalk was made, but it basically started out with the usual exchange of names, a handshake, and a smile. Chris is 18, and must like to write, because he carried a thick notebook and pencil. I'd have liked to ask about it, but it seemed a little personal. I remember when I was a teenager, and wrote a lot, and drew...it was all very private, but I always had a notebook with me. Anyway...somehow, we brought a third party, Invisible Bob, into the picture, and all were amused. We talked to him about the school, and some of the programs, and what the day was about.

At some point, teams began to form, so we used that opportunity to lure, I mean, encourage him to have fun with everyone. He joined a team, but I don't remember whose. Stephanie's, I think. Micah and I went off to help Joanna with her team, and somehow wound up with Allen's team by the end of it.

I wound up talking with another girl, D.J., in our team (Team 3), while the first game was being set up. She's also 18, left-handed, and we wear the same Skechers laceless shoes...down to the color. She likes drag racing, Evanescence and Linkin Park, and a nifty pair of sunglasses that she broke when she fell off a chair at the library. They're taped, as the break isn't bad. They really are cool sunglasses - bluish metallic thick plastic frames with a tribal print along the earpiece. She has a scholarship to MSC already, and is interested in the art program.

The teams played several games - an orange pass game, where you hold an orange under your chin, and pass it to the next person via their chin. Kinda hard to explain, but it's funny to watch. Each team had to pass 4 oranges down their line of 10 people, and if anyone dropped an orange, they had to start at the beginning. Team 3 won that game handily.

The next game was a mud pie 'fear factor' type game. Each pie tin was filled with pudding, and a single sour gummy worm was buried somewhere inside. The first team to find their worm would win. The catch was, you could not use your hands, and one team's pie had no worm in it. :P How cruel! Christy in our group volunteered, but she HATES chocolate pudding! I guess that was incentive, because she won that round for Team 3 as well. Chris was the volunteer for whatever team he was in...his was the pie with no worm. LOL! Poor kid. Everyone who played that round was covered in pudding afterward. Christy had done an amazing job of keeping not only her face fairly clean, but also the table around the pie tin. One girl was actually sucking up the pudding, then spitting it out on the table to find their worm. I think she made second place, but that was pretty gross. :P

After that, we played a Pictionary type game. Whichever budding artist the team chose would pick a topic out of a hat, then paint a picture for their team to decipher...with their nose... Tamara was up for Team 3, and we did pretty well, considering the topic was "A Tale of Two Cities". I don't know who won that game, but the answer was "Eminem", and the clue drawn was easy...a blue circle with an "M" in the middle. LOL!

Next was a "Dress For Success" game where each team had to create an outfit representing success on their chosen teammate...out of toilet paper. Team 3 chose a wedding dress, and put it on our Chris, a little guy I've seen around before - maybe in one of the senior photos at work? It was pretty pathetic, with a hula-dress-style skirt and a sad veil. He looked like he was wearing a cross between some Japanese warrior outfit and a hula skirt. Sad! Lydia's team made a smart business outfit on one of their girls, and it won.

Last was a sack race with a twist... It's just like a three-legged race, but with three people (4 legs) instead of two. Jason and Charley were the two people of choice, and a little guy named Kyle volunteered to finish out the trio simply for the fact that his height was SO absurd compared to theirs. We joked about having the other two carry him, and *did* get their legs bagged together like that, but he said he ran of his own ability. It looked like it, anyway. Everyone yelled about us cheating, but the team to our left REALLY went too far, by carrying a girl between the two guys on either side. Team 3 won, and the judges ruled it fair.

Last was a 'Pin the Thermometer on the Vet Tech Dog' game. A picture of Odie, with a bullseye on his backside. :P All the teams went around once, but everyone pretty much had lined themselves up (despite blindfolds) and got their thermometers in place too easily, so the judges had them be spun around first, and *then* try again. I forget who won that competition.

Team 3 won the most, and so everyone got an MSC Mud Bash t-shirt. Everyone had a group photo taken. I got a few random shots of some of the events, but ran out of film, and hadn't brought another roll, so that was kindof a bummer. But all in all it was a fun day.

Since things were coming to something of a close, a few of us went up to where some of the local artists were showing off their wares. Most of it was pottery, but there was a fellow with geodes, polished stone jewelry, and arrowheads. There was a guy doing metal sculpture - welding or soldering something right there. There were a couple of other displays, but I think they were all more pottery. Only one table had a functioning wheel.

D.J. found me, and we chatted a bit more. At some point, (goth) Chris walked down the field, as if leaving, but he came back after a minute and sat alone on the curb behind us and to our left. It was obvious he felt like being included, having had a good time with everyone during the games. D.J. is really shy, and said something about me being personable, or something, I'm not sure exactly what. She wanted me to go over there with her and initiate another conversation with him. I just smiled and encouraged her a little bit, saying something to the effect of, "Yeah, I do make friends really easily, but it's your turn now." So she walked over, sat down, gave him a little friendly sideways hug, and they started talking. ^_^ That did my heart good. I don't think it's even anything more than just two people kindof alone in the world finding a way to get along with one other person who was a little like them.

After the games, there was lunch in the ballroom - pizza for all the staff involved, and some of the seniors were there, too. D.J. and Chris sat at a small table together. D.J. asked if I would like to join them, but I smiled at her, thanked them both, and said I was with the staff today. I think I learned a little about showing someone how to dig their way out of their shell without taking it apart for them.

Lunch snipped for difficulty )

Anyway, everyone was gathering to watch down the balcony. Some guys were outside with a firehose getting the pit filled with water for the final tug-of-war. D.J. and Chris found me, and we chatted for a few minutes. He threatened us both with a muddy hug after the tug of war was over. D.J. lamented the choice of music being played. I lamented the fact that some guy was messing with the sound system and not letting a single song *finish* playing!

snipped for more talky bits )

At some point, I went and changed into my Mud Bash Staff shirt, because I expected at least to get muddy from someone, be it Chris, or Micah, or Joanna, or whomever, tackling me wetly.

Anyway, back to the pit. We watched the tug-of-war games. I think the FFA team won in the end. Allen's team of Gunsmithing (of which he was the only one actually *in* the gunsmithing program!) put up a good fight in the last round, but the other guys won.

After that, it became a free-for-all, and about half the people there dove into the pit, wallowed in the mud, and got sprayed by the fire hose. It was too funny! Someone asked if I was going to go in, and I -almost- said no, but then I remembered this year's resolution, and went for it. It's very not easy to run down a muddy wet hill without sliding, but I managed to do so and made with a slip-and-slide dive into the pit. Got muddy water ALL up my nose, think I swallowed some, and knelt up out of it quickly, just throwing my hair back and laughing. Ohhh, that was so much fun! I came up out of the water, and Allen was there, and hugged me, then Rodney was on my right, so I grabbed his hand in a firm handshake and hugged him, too. Then Micah was somewhere and I did much the same... Let's see, Chris did wind up muddily hugging me. LOL It was too fun. My eyeliner probably ran halfway down my face, but I didn't care. Two girls outside the pit (not muddy, I might add) smiled at me, gave a thumbs-up and said, "Yeah, sexy..." I'm not sure if they were kidding or not. Don't really care. That was too much fun.

But here was the shocker. I turned to start back up the hill, and who was standing there, soaked to the bone, but +Kyle. Stick in the mud (no pun intended), stay in your shell and don't ever come out, don't try new things because you might actually enjoy them, +Kyle. I couldn't believe it, but I was so proud at the same time. I learned later that he had dragged Joanna down there, and was consequently dragged along with her by our other friends, and thrown in, but he let it happen, and actually enjoyed it. Way to go, +Kyle!

I got about halfway up the hill and then realized that all that mud was going to feel *really* good when it started drying and caking in my hair, so I went back down to get hosed off. MAN, that was cold! The high pressure didn't help, but it wasn't that bad. It would have made a great shower head. :P

more talking and some annoyance )
lsdiamond: (Default)

Comments off. I would strongly recommend against emailing me, calling me, or anything else right now. I'm really rather not interested in hearing your beliefs or how right or wrong I am. Just leave me the hell alone. Figure it out, people. Leave me alone.

Everything in this letter, +Kyle and I have already discussed over the past few days. It was written before we talked, but I chose to speak with him before sharing it with whoever wanted inside my head.


Cut for vastness )

January 2012

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