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It always comes back to this. What I want in life doesn't matter. Why doesn't it matter? Because what I want, inevitably I cannot have. God seems to delight in allowing things to come into my life and then showing me why they're not for me. (Well, it does say he loves chastisement, now doesn't it?) Right now, I want to run away from my problems, and ignore the fact that people always have problems, and they don't go away. I want to go back, to be with the one with whom I am still in love, despite everything. I want to be happy. But I want to do what's right despite my own desires, so I have stayed and acted in a loving way toward +Kyle, and

But none of that matters. Even if I didn't care about right and wrong, I can't go back now. Even if +Kyle kicks me out.

Why?

I need time. I found myself once, and that person seems better off alone right now. I want to go back to school. I want to learn Japanese, and finish my degree. I want to travel. I want to get out of debt. Can I do those things with a significant other, regardless of who that may be? Sure. In some ways, it would be easier. In others, more difficult. But will I still want to be alone after all of that? It could be years. What then? I can't get married again unless I go back to +Kyle, but since he wouldn't have me back, I couldn't marry anyone else unless +Kyle commits adultery. I don't know that I would want to remarry at all, but I have to consider every possibility.

Even if not for this, I don't have a job to go back to anymore. Terry pulled the Thrifty ad, our biggest client. There were several reasons, mainly the cost-effectiveness of inserts vs. the double-truck ad in the centre of the paper. But do you know what Niki told me he said? He said I was the best ever to do his ad. The best ever, and I am no longer there. I cried over that. I could cry over it now.

Oh, I have friends out there...many practically family. Someone would take me in until I was on my feet again. There are other jobs to be had. But the schooling I want isn't out there, anyway, and it would look terrible if I went back...even if I wasn't running back into someone else's arms (which I wouldn't be, wanting time *alone*), it would look bad.

So which do I want more? Happiness now? Or a hope of happiness later (that I frankly don't see, and don't know if I have faith for at the moment) if I do the right thing? Does it even matter? +Kyle doesn't want me to stay because it's the right thing to do. He wants me to stay because I want to stay. He wants me to want him again, and he wants it now. I've had "long enough" to love him again the way he wants and the way I should.

And if I don't want him *now*, he wants me out. Today. Before he gets off work. He's been telling me for days to pack up and go back to Oklahoma. "Go find a way to be with *him*," he says. Of course, he's just trying to give me what I want a hundred times over to make me sick of it...make me smoke the whole pack at once...he told me that last night.

I've asked for weeks, How do I turn it on? How do I make myself want something I haven't wanted in years? Now I ask, Why do I even bother? It's not good enough, because a desire to try to work it out because it's the right thing to do is "the wrong reason" according to +Kyle. It's not enough for him.

If I stay, we will both continue to be miserable. If I leave, no matter where I go, it's over for good because he wants a clean break. If I stay, he'll believe I feel something I don't feel, and it still won't be good enough for him. If I leave, he might try to kill himself again. If I stay, he'll keep bombarding me with "I'm in love with you", and then sulk when I can't return that to his satisfaction. If I leave, he'll be heartbroken because his universe revolves around me and he doesn't want to lose me. I have hoped that by staying, by making efforts to be happy again, by letting him be what he wants to be to me, that I would regain those feelings. He is not satisfied by that.

I had already said an indefinite goodbye to Scooter. That hasn't helped yet. Those feelings do not just disappear. We had remained friends with permission, and yeah, it's been hard, but just because you resign yourself to the fact that something isn't going to happen, it doesn't mean you don't miss it. It doesn't just go away. Even when you're not faced with that person anymore, it doesn't just go away.

Things were easier with +Kyle last night because he was operating as though we were just friends. We do well like that...palling around. He even agreed. Then we get back here, talk about the evening, and he tells me that no, he was not offering to let go and just be friends, that he was trying to start over with no baggage. THEN he comes off and asks me if I'll marry him right off the bat? I don't know! That just confuses me more!

What do I do? This just keeps coming up. It's not going away, and it's not going to. I'm tired of trying. He doesn't want me to try, anyway, because I don't share the feelings he does, and haven't for a very very long time. Knowing I have been in the wrong about much of this doesn't change the fact that I Can't Just Turn It Back On. Maybe some people can, but I'm not one of them. I know. I've tried.





Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble...
If I stay, it will be double...
So come on and let me know...
Should I cool it or should I blow?
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One more day 'til MedFaire, Hellboy and the gun show!

Ugh, this has been a most interminable week. Today is going to be truly eternal, because I have to stay upfront since Lori's off today. Bleh!

Finished my tiara last night. It's just a cheesy swag of fake burgundy roses, but it looks pretty nice. One of these days, I'll actually be able to find some that size that *look* real, but for now this will do for the effect. I have wanted to do something like this with the outfit for quite some time, but just never took time to do it. I'm really enjoying this costuming thing for now. I could so get into cosplay.

Now if I can just get my act together and finish the leopard-ear headband with the fur I got at the last gun show (in October!), I'll be set. Almost. Am hoping the velvet for my cloak comes in today. I'd like to pick up the lining for it when we go grocery shopping, but want to take a swatch to see which one will work best.

I'd have *really* liked it to be ready for Saturday, but wasn't expecting that to happen, so...

Oh! I need 2-1/2 yards of a deep red satin cord. Must not forget. Anything else I still need from HobLob? I don't *think* so...but will double check tonight when I go over to Nancy's.

Sigh. Almost time for work. Bleh...Maybe maybe we'll get some legals or something for me to type in. *hope*

WAI!

Mar. 18th, 2004 10:47 pm
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Went to Nancy's house to meet her and give her the pattern and get an idea of what I need to get from Hobby Lobby this weekend to make this happen. She is incredibly nice, and I think it's going to be really easy to work with her. She thinks the 4-way stretch would be better than the 2-way, for comfort's sake, if nothing else.

She did show me the dragon wings she'd done for her granddaughter, and they're very close to what I'd like to do, though mine would need to move. I don't think there will be time or resources to do them, but maybe. She thinks it will only take 2-3 visits, giving about a week inbetween each one. Very cool.

I'll be bringing her some el-cheapo fabric to do the initial fittings with on Sunday afternoon, as well as the thread, zipper, eyelets, etc. +Kyle has also been invited to come with me and we can stay and play pool or something.

She has a gorgeous water garden. I'm going to take the camera next time. ^_^

Scooter was there, which surprised me, since he usually works in the evenings. We didn't talk much: he was watching TV or something, but he seemed in good spirits, although he's bored out of his mind with no internet access. LOL Poor kid. I'm no less an addict, so I can't talk.


Mental note: I do need to either take in the silk pants from Halloween, or find some tights or capris for Med Faire since it's in two weeks. Either that or make a black skirt to go with the burgundy shirt, but I'm betting the weather will be too warm for that one.

I also need to dig out the cloak pattern, get some black velveteen, and do that so it will be ready for the finished product.

I also need to STAY on the right track of working out so that I can actually WEAR this thing when it's finished. As I've said...PVC isn't that forgiving.


Went out to Marsha's afterwards to look at her system as promised. There was so much utter junk loading when she booted up that it took nearly 10 minutes just to start. We're talking Weatherbug, GAIN products, etc. Messy messy stuff. So I cleaned that up, and then we looked at her internet connection. I'm of the opinion that it's just so bleeding slow because she lives out in the middle of NOWHERE (Enos). It's also possible that the phone lines out there are just about shot. If they're still running copper wire out there (and I bet they are, since they were only just starting to switch to fiber optic cable when we left Athens two years ago), that certainly wouldn't help, especially if it's in bad condition.

Listen to me: I sound like I know what I'm talking about! (Actually, this is all just hypothetical, but it makes sense to me. I could be totally off base here.)

Anyway...tomorrow's FRIDAY, finally, and it's going to be SO boring at work. But I'll get the PVC ordered ASAP, and it should be here within a week.

Ah well. It's late, and I'm not really tired, but my eyes are dry, so I guess it's about bedtime.
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My hair is freaking awesome today.

I left the shampoo and conditioner in for about 10 minutes whilst shaving my legs (weather is warming up BEAUTIFULLY...shorts weather!) last night, and wow...the difference is absolutely incredible.

In other news, I have had some interesting dreams this week, and my recall is pretty good the past few days. I remembered three out of four from this morning...not bad! Still have to post them, though.

Went to the courthouse to drop off published legal notices and took some pictures of acquaintances, as well as some of the actual courthouse, just because it's neat looking. Went to the bank, but neither Billie nor Juany was around, so I will have to go back tomorrow and hope they're available for pix. Went to the post office and got one of Patti and the other girl who sometimes works at the front desk. Got some pictures of things around the square, too: The Little Law Firm office building, because it's just gorgeous architecture, and this horrendous piece of graffiti on the side of Gorrell's Martial Arts' building. It's two people in karate uniform, but the proportions are dreadful, and the images rather scary. It's just ugly, but I've been meaning to get pictures ever since we MOVED here, so I hope they come out.

Almost used up one of the instant cams, doing so. Will need to take another one around, perhaps this weekend.
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+Kyle has been really busy this week. True to his word, he's been packing, and he's also been cleaning house a bit. I came back at lunch yesterday to a raked yard, even. I've only taken Washu out once all week, so I am a pretty happy camper, except for she keeps jumping up on me when I come back from work. We have *got* to break her of that. She's good about stopping in the middle of the jump if you say, "No!", but she needs to be at the point of not jumping at all. We'll work on that.

It's Wednesday. Time should go by pretty quickly at work today, which is excellent. I am going to be exhausted from throwing papers, but I have GOT to get off my lazy patoot and train. The whole shebang. No excuses.

Am taking one of those instant cams to work today. Gotta start getting pictures of everyone, and the events of the day. Anyone know if Wal-Mart can develop those disposables onto CD?
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Mark came to me at work, really concerned, about 4:00. I'd been pretty badly off all day, and I know he caught me crying at my desk twice.

I know I'm depressed when all I want to do is sleep, and when my brain finally shuts down. I have a really hard time talking, or even standing up. I fight for words that should be right there, and my brain 'hangs', so I sound like a broken tape recorder.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...... Hooooooowwwww are you doing?' The last part will be really fast. It usually happens when it's something I have to access. Like a lady from the Chickasaw Nation was trying to send us an ad via PDF. Her original file was something in the neighborhood of 91MB, and her end PDF was 24MB. Way too big to email. So Mark finally got out of her that she was using Photoshop to save as a Photoshop PDF, so he asked me about it. THAT I could explain...it just took awhile. :P

Anyway, after he dealt with her, he came to me and just asked, "Are you okay?"

I shook my head that I wasn't, but that I was dealing with it as best I could.

"You didn't take anything, did you?" He used to do all sorts of drugs in his younger years, so I guess he thought he recognized something. He was clearly worried that I was OD'd on seomthing.

"No...I'm just... I'm back on antidepressants. This is what happens to me. My brain just shuts down. But it's okay."

He said he was sorry to hear that and said if I needed to go on home, I could have that option. I was both grateful and pissed off at once. Yes, he showed concern, but only an hour until closing time anyway. :P Isn't that rotten of me to think about?

I said I could finish out the day, and I did.

I've basically freaked everyone at work out, now. Niki keeps asking if I need anything. "A bullet to the head." She can say it with me now. :P I've decided I like her, even though she's sometimes a bit on the annoying side.

Edith's really worried about me, I can tell. I need to try to hide this better at work. There's a time and a place, and I know I have friends here, but the last two months here should be moderately positive. Then again, if I wig out, maybe they won't keep telling me they'll miss me. :P

Haha, I'm so funny.
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People keep telling me to look out for myself first. I must not know how to do that, because when I try, all it gets me is someone (anyone) not happy with the way I do things.

I thought I was past this. I thought I didn't care what people thought of me anymore.

Mark came up to me a little while ago, not really reprimanding, just saying that some things have gotten shuffled around in the confusion of having a new ad manager, and that I need to be sure that if I don't know where something really goes, to just give it to him or Sherry. (Meanwhile, Sherry is running around, crazed, and back to her not-so-pleasant self, and making me very uncomfortable).

What was I supposed to do? One thing was admittedly my fault - I put it up on the board because I assumed it was ready to go. I know, never assume, but how many people actually think I'm thinking straight these days? I apologized.

He stopped and said, "It's okay. You really don't have to apologize; you didn't do anything wrong, we're just letting everyone know.

I just want to cry right now, but I can't. I have weeks of tears stuck in my throat, and they won't come. I'm dying inside. I wish +Kyle was here so he would just hold me on the couch, and maybe I could maybe get all this out of me.

But then he'd want to know what was wrong, and then what am I supposed to do? It's all always the same old things. Work. Dog. House. Stress. Missing family. My problems haven't changed, and I haven't learned to deal with them any better. Everything that is wrong today is the same that was wrong a year ago, and even two years ago, with one exception: Now we are getting ready to go home, and now I have friends here I don't want to leave behind...again... I want to pack everyone up with me and take them back. Micah and I are getting closer as we talk through emails. And Joanna, to a lesser extent. There's my beloved Vera Jean, and our new pal Scooter, who hasn't seen Evangelion yet, and tells me about music I'll probably like, and taught me how to two-step. Then there's all the people I like to just chat & hang out with on game nights and stuff.

I have so many friends, and the best family in the world, but I have never felt more alone.
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Lori went to the City this weekend, and brought me presents. o^_^o WAIII! She found a Hot Topic, had to go inside, and told me she wished she'd had more money, because half the store would have been mine. LOL! What she brought:
* Black Wristband with a red embroidered 'A' (now I have gauntlets! ;)
* Pin with Lola Goth saying, "I'm feeling a little bit blah today." I love her little bat friend.
* Sticker featuring a cow, pig, and chicken, that says "Animals taste good." This is Lori's and my motto, so it's ABSOLUTELY perfect. LOL! Made my morning.

Quote of the day:
Okay, so I never actually had an opportunity to say this, but in one of my more stressful moments, I thought:

When it hits the fan - wear a raincoat! (Or maybe carry an umbrella...I can't decide which is funnier.)
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I know, I said I wouldn't, but it hurts so much. I had to do something just to get through the day, and I can't sleep at work.

The blade was brand new. Clean.

It's a diamond-shaped cut. I kept it wet for a long time so it would bleed longer. It stings a little. It's a lot deeper than I ever cut before, but I don't think it'll scar. Even if it does, it's okay. I think it's pretty.

It's high. Will hide under a t-shirt sleeve. I should put something on it, but I don't really want to yet.

What I really want is to keep it open. Cut over it as it heals. Keep the lines fresh. They're so beautiful.

I'm not sorry I did it. I was just so sick today. If I can't sleep, I have to do something, and I have drugs nor herbs. I never filled that Paxil scrip, and I bet I don't have it anymore. I think I burned it. Not that it matters. It's like $100 for only a couple of weeks' worth...and that's generic. I don't have that kind of money.

But blades are cheap, and blood flows with no effort.

I hope I don't need this too much. +Kyle probably won't notice me coming home with a new wound now and then, since I'm such a klutz, but I can't make him suspicious, and it's getting too warm to wear long sleeves all the time.

I want to tell him, but he's going to be so upset with me when he finds out. He made me promise I'd never do it again, and we all know how he reacts to broken promises. Good Lord, it was just LAUNDRY! I'm sorry I forgot!

I have to stop thinking about this, or I'm going to do something else really stupid.

Okay...

Feb. 26th, 2004 05:12 pm
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The God-blessed Lebanon P.O. papers were in the bag the whole time. The lady at the post office spaced half the bundles in the bag, and they didn't get delivered on time.

Sherry reamed me and Lori (who wasn't even directly involved) for about half an hour about this before going to the Lebanon post office only to find that, yes, we did get them to them, and yes, they were in fact done correctly.

She acknowledged having taken the problem out on her staff, but didn't apologize to either of us. "I guess you guys took it okay." was her statement about it.

You know, I can understand that they're understaffed at Lebanon, but for crying out loud, it's the MAIL.

I can take comfort only in one thing: Yes, there was a problem with the P.O. labels yesterday. But I handled it. Not only that, but I didn't screw it up. It wasn't my fault at all.

In other news...Lori brought me some Tylenol PM, so I'm going to sleep tonight, one way or another....they should kick in in about 30 minutes. May not get any rest, but we'll see.
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Don't tell me things I already know. It's obvious when something gets screwed up. You do not have to repeat how things are *supposed* to go, as though I am 5ive years old.

It's a business. Things don't always go perfectly. Fix it, move on.

Please please please, can't I use one today? Just a little bit?


Screw this. I'm going to bed. I don't care if I wake up in time to get back "on time". There are some days when you just shouldn't have to be at work.
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I've neglected to mention that we have a new ad manager as of yesterday. Her name is Niki. She's 25, married, and has two kids. She likes to talk, and laughs at everything. It's too soon to know if that's endearing or annoying, but I like her so far. She's personable, which is vital to the job, and seems to enjoy what she's doing, so we'll see how it goes.

I had to go to the bank today, and got Billie at the teller window. She's a doll, and told me she's really going to miss me when I move. ^_^ How sweet! I'm going to miss her, too, actually. She's so cute and funny. She'd be the cool grandma.

She said she was talking to Mark the other day, and that he spoke highly of me. I feel weird about that - about any time that I hear people have been talking about me. It's not paranoia so much as it's, "why are people bothering to talk about *me* of all the possible topics?" I dunno...it's just weird for me. I wonder if other people feel weird when I mention that I've talked about them to someone.

Anyway, it's always nice to know that what was said was positive.



Humorous Quotes of the day!

On Jon asking Mark to come over and look at a photo:
Mark: "Okay, but hurry up, because Ariel needs me for something and she's more important than you are."


On a photo named "Gambel with dead pig"
Me: "So who wins? The gambler or the dead pig?
Lori: "If you can't beat a dead pig, then you don't need to be gambling"


On a particular group of stupid individuals:
Lori: "Yeah, they're all worthless in their own special ways."


On trying to get in a word edgewise:
Me: "Well, I'm trying to tell you, Lori, but you won't shut up. (laughing)"
Mark: "Asking Lori to shut up? That's like taking someone off heroin!"

Hah!

Jan. 26th, 2004 05:30 pm
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J.B. quit. It's horrible to admit, but we were all practically taking bets on how long he would last - not because of him personally, but because of the job itself. No one wants the position of ad salesman. Shelly was the longest-lasting ad manager they had, to my knowledge - she was there for four years.

And How...

Jan. 6th, 2004 10:25 pm
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It's Tuesday, and I'm actually in a good mood. I wonder why. :P

This morning was interesting. I was making the rounds, saying good morning, and J.B., the ad rep who's replacing Shelly (she's going baaaaaack to schooool!) said, "I recognize that greeting!" It's his second day, and I haven't been sure about how we'd get along. Shelly and I have a rapport. I can come into her office yelling, "You CRACKHEAD, what is *this* supposed to mean???", reference some chicken scratch note she's left me, and she can say, "You're the one on the crackpipe, chick, you've got it upside down" or some such, and we laugh. It's hard to say if you can do that to the new person.

J.B. is older - like over 50 older. Normally I get along famously with people of any age, and usually I can read people and get a feel for them, but I just hadn't really tried to yet. I think we're going to get along well, though. It turns out his (first) wife, and mother of his children was Japanese (raised in Hawaii). They met in Guam just after WWII. He's done a lot, been everywhere, and seems to have a lot of good stories. He did say that he was from Oklahoma, and had left many times, but always came back. A sense of impending dread hung over me at that point. :P

So anyway, he was intrigued by my study of the language, and even tried to remember a few words, himself. ^_^ I doubt I have a new study buddy, but maybe a kindred spirit.

He's pretty cool, and not threatened at all by my dress. Matter of fact, he says he has a nephew that I'd get along well with (drummer in a punk band). LOL! Go figure. He also mentioned a nephew who does graphic design for Fossil (you know...awesome watches with some of the best retro designs ever?), but I don't know if they're the same person.

Got through the day without killing anyone...myself included. MAN, did I want a soda all day. I am trying very hard to wean myself of non-water products this year. I'm not one of these "oooh, aspartame BAD, give you CANCER" types, but water is just better all around. And yeah, it gets boring, but I have low-carb milk now, so I can have a *notbadforme* treat now and again.

I did really well over the hols. I had to weigh some packages to mail, and the only thing I have is the bathroom scale. It doesn't do well with small amounts, so the best way is to weigh myself, then weigh myself with the box. Not the most accurate, but it gets pretty close. I was dead on at 135 with shoes, so if there were any holiday gains, they went away.

I needed to have worked out today, but it's SO hard to get motivated when it's cold. :P We have a space heater, but it takes forever to heat the room with it, and they're SO expensive to run. I wish the weight machine would fit in the living room with the gas heater. :P What it comes down to is I just need to get off my lazy butt and do it. I'll get warm during the workout and stay that way for awhile if I don't break a sweat and have it freeze on my skin. :P It's too late tonight, since I have work in the morning. I usually don't feel like it after throwing bundles of newspapers on Wednesday, but I could at least do a lower-body workout.

Have started on Kare Kano again. I'd forgotten what a sweet, sweet story it really is. Of course, Yukino's mania is a compelling way to start the series, but I've always thought it'd be nice to have an Arima in my life.

And hey, even +Kyle likes it so far. He's going to get annoyed with all the re-caps, I'm sure, but, ehh...

Job

Dec. 31st, 2003 04:31 pm
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Well, I still have one. M&S were not pleased, of course. Geesh. You try to do someone right, and what does it get you in the end? Totally screwed and then you're a bitch target.

They utterly disregarded the fact that I called in to let everyone know that I wouldn't be able to make it back. I can see their point that I probably *should* have called them personally...but the entire reason I didn't was because I didn't *want* to talk to them. I honestly didn't care. So I made some fuh fuh apology for something about which I'm not 100% sorry. Some things are just more important than work. Maybe I could have handled it better, but I can't honestly say that, if given the opportunity, I would do it differently.

They then proceeded to tell me how to live my life, adding that I can't trust others with messages like 'I won't be in today, and don't know when I'll be able to make it back'. "Oh, Lori and everyone may be your best friends, but in the real world..." *eyeroll* Believe it or not, I have worked in "the real world" and am quite well acquainted with company politics. I have (mostly) enjoyed my stint here because of the fact that *no one in their right mind* would do anything to undermine this position, because IT SUCKS! Do not try to tell me about "the real world" when you live in a fantasy one.

...and best friends? Don't get me wrong - I am definitely friends with my co-workers, but...best...friends? Yeah. Okay. Whatever.

Oh, and I love how, an hour after they've said their piece, it's like nothing ever happened. "So, how *was* your Christmas holiday, anyway?" Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much that they can just put things aside like that if *I* could just put things aside. Granted, I'm much better than I used to be, but it's still hard to do.

We are just over 4 months away from leaving.
19 weeks.
I believe it's 130 days as of today, if we leave the day of +Kyle's last class. I suppose it's really more likely that we'll leave the next day, due to needing sleep and all.
94 of those days will be spent at work.
I'm struggling right now to decide if it's worth staying for those 94 days or if I'd be better served finding a couple part-time jobs, since I really didn't expect to have one when I got back. I get back here, and realize how much I *didn't* miss the Record. Oh sure, it's nice to see Jon, Shelly, Lori, Edith and Jay again, but the condesension? The hypocrisy? The horrible, horrible business practices? The rudeness? Nah.

Still...it's only four months and a couple of days. 19 papers. I have put up with the crap they shell out on a near-daily basis for the past year and a half. Will it really kill me to stay, even knowing I'll go nowhere else here?

I honestly try not to let the fact that I'm leaving soon affect the work I do here. But it's rather hard to do so when they're reminding me every few days, "you're leaving soon!"

+Kyle's ready to leave, too. He would love to be done with school *now*. I'd love that as well, but I guess we'll just have to plow through. At least he enjoys what he does, though.

Wonder if Vera wants to go out any time soon.

Ian is burning 2003 in effigy - literally. He's making a cardboard cutout of the digits 2003, and will light it at midnight. I'm going to do something similar - make a list of all the things that were just WRONG in 2003, and torch it. I've also got a (considerably shorter) list of the good in the year that I will keep as a hope of better things to come in the new year.

Ugh

Dec. 15th, 2003 09:11 am
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I so do not want to be here today.

Morale = 0

Dec. 12th, 2003 01:03 pm
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I couldn't possibly care less about work right now.

Bosses refuse to give me a day or two extra off (I have the vacation days to use!) over the hols to spend time with the family. "Holiday Policy" so they say. "It would be too hard on everyone else to do your job since it's a short week."

Horse hockey. Thrifty Center will very likely be a 2-page ad instead of a 4-page. Lori & I already have 90% the end-of-year recap typed in. Shelly is out as we speak selling the Christmas and New Years' greeting ads... I am so going to have NOTHING to do that week. So what "it would be too hard on everyone else" means is that Sherry doesn't want to have to come out of her office and help label and tie papers on Tuesday. God forbid she should have to work with the lower-class...er, I mean, employees.

So yeah. I don't really care to do much of anything right now.

I am, however, taking any and all ideas on ethical ways to be unable to come back Sunday night as we're supposed to. I can't just out and out lie to them, and it would be very bad for me to just say, "Well, sorry, but I'm just not coming back Monday." I need a good excuse, or a snowstorm that night or something.

Muse

Nov. 24th, 2003 09:07 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
My muse has returned. I feel compelled to feed her everything she wants in order to keep her around awhile. She's been gone so long. I tell her how much I've missed her, and she shares her secrets with me.

I sketched for about two hours at the laundromat yesterday. One is the base layer for a watercolor, meant as the background to one of my earlier paintings. The one it has now is so...blah...

Also, I've utterly revamped the look of my website, although the content is severely lacking at this point. There may yet be time for that.

I am hoping/praying that the new harddrive will do the trick with my system...it should be here tomorrow. There are a million projects I have in mind if only I can get to my artpad!

If only I wasn't stuck here at work tonight...she beckons me to start a new sketch tonight, and I fear she'll leave again if I don't.

Just wait a little while, my dear... I will come to you soon, and for as long as possible at any given time. Don't leave me! I promise there's time for you.


Back to the grindstone... I have:
Sharpe's 1/2 page ad
Paste up Thrifty double-truck
Finish pasting up classifieds; don't forget OCAN and legal notices!
Set up the Basketball preview double-truck
Make the 4x8 Madill Chevy ad - just add some turkeys to an old one or something quick
Make changes to the ads Shelly proofed.
Make the two thank-you ads.
Check the boards for any ads that Shelly may still have out for proof.

I can wait to do Madill Chevy and the proofed ads in the morning...it's late as it is.
lsdiamond: (Default)
...except those who care enough to ask...

I lost my identity when we moved. I didn't find myself until more than a year later...in fact, I only just truly found a place I can be happy(ier) last month.

I'm sad inside. This negative energy fills me much of the time, and it's a bad feeling. I used to vent that energy by bleeding it out. That wasn't really so long ago, when I think about it. Seven years is not so long. Maybe that wasn't the best way to release those forces, but it worked for a little while. I felt good for a few hours afterward....then, when that went away, I slept, so it didn't matter.

Then I met +Kyle. Truly, he helped dig me out of some of that stuff. But he also made me promise never to do it again.

He's on a REALLY big kick about promises right now, so I'm a little limited on what I can do.

Dressing up, acting out, whatever you want to call it, it worked. It's like wearing the darkness on the outside actually transferred it from inside me - a sort of shamanism, if you will.

And it didn't hurt anyone.

But now I've disrupted the white bread corporate wannabeism of their golf country club lifestyle. I'm an embarassment to them, and they won't admit it to themselves or anyone else. They patronize me.

They refuse to recognize the fact that, despite my outward appearance, I have always...ALWAYS...put the customer first. Never have I yelled at a customer. Never have I been rude to one. I don't yell throughout the building, ranting about meaningless things. I don't lose things. I don't complain (except here) very much at all. I've taken two sick days, and they were both legitimate. There have been MANY days when I *should* have taken off sick, and didn't because the work had to be done, and I didn't want to burden someone else with the tasks. I've never asked anything of them. I've saved them money on numerous occasions.

The only thing I've ever done is be myself, and suddenly they can't handle it...and they hide it in their syrupy speeches, making lame excuses as usual.

This is no different than the racist pigs who judge by the color of someone's skin or the manner in which they speak. I've been judged by my appearance alone, my skills, talents, and accomplishments disregarded. It's okay that a co-worker with seniority says, does, and looks however she wants...just not me.

They do have a point. Certain businesses should exhibit a degree of 'professionalism'. But if that means everyone must fit into the same box, I want no part of it.

Censored

Oct. 2nd, 2003 10:25 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I am hereby banned from expressing myself at work.

January 2012

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