lsdiamond: (Default)
Post a reply here with a memory you have of me. Good, bad, funny, serious, personal, whatever sticks out. That's it. :) Then pose the same question in your own journal.


I plan to go through and write something about everyone I can possibly remember, but I'm not sure I have memories that stick out about everyone... We'll see. ^_^ It's late and I'm full of coffee, so I can't really think at the moment. :P
lsdiamond: (Default)
I've been thriving for two days on an event that, in all probability, meant nothing to the other individual involved.

But it meant something to me.

I'm a flirt...always have been. Anyone who knows me should have figured this out. (I'm really beginning to think that +Kyle hasn't...) It never got me anywhere as a teenager, because my friends were all tall, svelte, and charming. Me? Short...chunky at my best...a joker who "uses too many big words", to give a quote... Self-esteem zero... Needless to say, my friends were stopped by cute guys, asked for their numbers on at least several occasions, and fairly successful at getting males to pay them heed. I wasn't even very cute in comparison to them, and the only thing I was really good for was getting a chuckle out of the guys once they were interested in one of my friends. I pretended like this didn't bother me, and for years denied I had any interest in boys (due to misunderstandings that I now comprehend). In truth, I think I was the worst of the bunch to crush on someone, especially if they were nice to me in any way.


But look at my high school friends now...few of them have healthy, lasting relationships. Not that my marriage is SO healthy, but...I try. We both do, to some degree.


There have been many times when I was actually depressed that the only way I could get a guy was online...they had to know me for me before they found me attractive. Yes, it's so much better to build a relationship on that trust and knowledge...but what's inherently wrong with wanting your crush to notice you, knowing he won't because you're just not that cute? Even after we got married, and +Kyle would beg me to tell him, "I'm pretty," I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe he thought so. Even though he wouldn't lie to me, I never really believed him when he'd say I was beautiful or sexy. It always struck me as that stupid line: "You're a beautiful person" or "You have inner beauty". Maybe I was, but that didn't change what I wanted to be.

So I had to change it myself.

+Kyle...really hasn't supported me in this endeavour of self-improvement. The extent of it has been:

Me: "Do you like me better this way?" (thinner; healthier)
Him: "Well...are you happy?"
Me: "Yes, I really am."
Him: "Then I like you better this way."

Truly, I appreciate that he wants me to be happy, but he comes across as not caring, and at first even made fun of the lifestyle changes I've made. Sometimes he still picks a little bit, but I try not to let it get to me as much.

So here I am, age 24, looking the best I have in my entire life. I did this all for myself, and I enjoy the fruits of it to the fullest. For the first time ever, I *do* feel pretty, and have some small form of self-confidence. I'm still a flirt, only now it has the potential to get me somewhere...so I have to be careful. There are fleeting moments when I wish I were single so I could have a little fun with it.

So we come to Thursday night... This adorable guy floated around all evening, and I found it so very hard not to get myself into serious trouble. I caught him looking at me once or twice even before we ever spoke, and it just felt so good. For all I know, he was thinking how ridiculous I looked in elf ears...but I don't think so. His actions spoke volumes. I can't even describe how I felt.

Joanna asked such a little thing. No, I didn't like the song, but I didn't care, either. She really wanted this, as silly as it was, and I was willing to give it to her. +Kyle wasn't even willing to do it for me, much less a friend.

I wasn't important enough to him to put away his hatred for a stupid genre of music.

I wanted to fulfill a desire for a friend, and another man was willing to fulfill *my* desire. Does it matter what his motives were? No, although I'm curious... It was a chivalrous gesture.

For me, it was the culmination of years of wishing for a guy to look at me, like what he saw, and approach. Whether it was actual physical attraction, or just Scooter being a nice guy doesn't really matter. He made me feel special in a way I'd forgotten wanting.

It hurts that my own husband wouldn't do that for me. Truth be told, if he had, I wouldn't have had that feeling of being special...it would have been merely a nice cuddle to music.

It hurts most that in five minutes, a total stranger did what +Kyle hasn't been able to do in over five years.

I've dreamed about my vampire every night since, and reveled in the memory of his gentle touch every day. I don't confuse the feelings I have for him with love...but they are strong. I want to see him, to really thank him, and then I suppose I must say goodbye. Even if that night *did* mean anything to him, nothing could come of it. I'm not willing to destroy what I have (such as it is at times).

Queen B.

Sep. 8th, 2003 09:29 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I've never thought like anyone else I've met. It's not a matter of opinion, but rather, the actual processing of thoughts. I don't think I'm necessarily 'slow' or have a learning disability...my brain just takes a different path to come to certain conclusions.

As a young child, my parents told me on a particular occasion to 'put your toys away'. When they came back to check on me some time later, I had done nothing. They asked, "Why haven't you put your toys away?" My reply: "Where is away?" Many children could have figured out that away meant in the toybox or on the shelf...but I had to be told.

Naturally, my parents teased me at times, especially Dad. Now, my parents don't lie to their children, but sometimes I had a hard time differentiating when (especially) my father was actually kidding. That came up on several occasions, but I don't think it ever really sank in.

At some point, I started growing up, and my parents made various comments. "You can't be interested in boys." "You're not old enough to date" "You can't date until you're 30" etc...

Looking back, I realize now that most of that, if not all, was kidding around...but it affected me then, and for years later.

I was so boy crazy when I was 11...12...13...and up... But what could I do about it? I wasn't allowed to like boys. It made no sense to me then - did they want me to be gay? I actually believed that. But I didn't question their authority, although I tried to undermine it a few times. Once, a friend told me her cousin had said he thought I was pretty. I pursued it with maybe too much fervor, but it never went anywhere. I don't think they ever found out about that one.

Once, a particular lad simply wouldn't leave me alone. It was just childish teasing, but he was SO obnoxious, and I really wanted him to just leave me alone. I wrote him a letter saying so, and my parents found it. They didn't read it, just confronted me with it and asked what it was about. I told them exactly what it was about, but I'm sure to this day they didn't believe that. I destroyed the note instead of giving it to him.

The one I regret most is a guy I knew in high school, Nathan. I really liked him, and the feeling intensified when a mutual friend told me he would ask about me now and then. I wanted so badly to know him more than just as a fellow student in our group - as a friend, and maybe more.

But I was afraid. I was so terrified that my parents would find out their daughter liked boys and wanted to be around them. I couldn't risk them being displeased with me, so I hid this as well.

Back then, the cool thing to do among my clique was cut each other down as far as possible. The one who could come up with the most stinging blow was considered the winner. I usually won...but then, I was really angry in those days. My friends were always impressed.

I couldn't flirt with this guy in front of my mother...and she was generally around when I saw him - at art class, in gym, etc. So I took to including him in our little game. This backfired - he had no clue what was going on. His mother came to our house to ask why I was so mean to him. >_< I told her it was a game, which was the truth. He played too, or so I thought, as he usually came right back at me. No doubt he was just upset and hurt by it.

Either way, it was a bad situation all around. I smoothed things over with his mom and sometimes they came over, usually to let his younger brother play with my brothers.

I remember one time they were over. We took the siblings down the road to the creek near my house. The kids of course ran ahead, and we walked behind. At some point, he asked me 'Do you know what sex is?'

Stop.

Naturally, I knew exactly what it was. But my paranoia set in, because my parents hadn't TOLD me yet. I wasn't supposed to know.

So I replied lamely, "Of course I do - the difference between a boy and a girl". He didn't ask anything else. I've often wondered why he did ask that. I've also wondered why I never said anything then - it was the perfect opportunity. No parents around, kids off playing in their own world. I wish I'd told him then how I felt. Don't know what it would have led to, if anything, but I wonder...

Cut to today.

Why do I regret these things, aside from the fact that I was just a cruel person? Why do I think about a guy I barely know if I'm honest with myself? Why am I not satisfied with my husband? Why do I wonder about someone else when I know it would only ruin - completely - my marriage?

I love +Kyle. But I don't think I love him enough anymore, and I don't know why or how to get it back.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Okay...

So I've already been plagued with strange dreams involving other men. Did I really have to go and make things worse on myself? Why yes, yes I did.

It finally rained today, so I decided to burn old papers that we didn't need anyore...bank receipts, etc. I had a couple folders of misc. stuff that I'd been meaning to get rid of, including Danny's old letters & our chats. I've been meaning to get rid of these things for about 5 years, but just never managed to get around to it. It's one of those things I didn't want to have to 'explain' having if +Kyle ever did find them.

But instead of just tossing the folder into the flames, I started reading. Yes, they all eventually got burned, and I didn't read everything all over again - just enough to remember the early days of our relationship when he ended every letter and chat with 'remember I love you.' I was so full of teen angst then, and he was a lot more mature than I gave him credit for toward the end.

I really believe he loved me once. He truly cared about my well being, and was concerned over the smallest things. He treated me like a princess. I actually found myself wondering...maybe regretting is too strong a word... I wonder what would have happened if I had run away to be with him. Or if I had at least told my parents about him...would they have let me meet him?

He was ready to take me away from everything if I would just say the word. He'd have bought me a ticket out of there. He would have taken me in. He'd have given me anything I ever desired. I'd have never wanted for anything.

But would I be happy like that?

I have to remember the fights. They weren't many, but they were over big things. He wanted kids. I disliked them. He's Catholic. Catholicism takes Christianity and twists it into such a contorted practice that it's no wonder it's so popular - who could complain about a free ticket to heaven? All you have to do is pay your way out of Purgatory. You don't even have to stop sinning, as long as you go to confession.

But I digress...this is not about the issues of traditionalism...this is about me in a place I don't understand.

Not only the fights...remember what he did? He didn't accept me for who I was when I went crazy. He barely tried to stop me when I was going to kill myself. Instead, he told a mutual friend that we had broken up and went with her. Who does that??

But I was a problem, too... I was so attached, but unwilling (??) to do anything to complete the circle. I wanted to be with him, but was too afraid to let it happen. Too afraid of my parents. I sought their approval rather than trying to be happy...even though I was miserable where I was. I knew they needed me. Mom was having so many problems then. Dad couldn't take care of everyone and keep working. I had to take care of everyone. I couldn't abandon them.

I pined after he so unceremoniously dumped me. Here, the man who had asked me to marry him didn't even officially break things off. Being the mature teen that I was, I wrote all kinds of awful pleading letters. Naturally, when those didn't work, I turned to bad-mouthing him to everyone we knew. Look what he did to your beloved Diamond...

I can't believe I was ever that horrible...but I was.

I did end up apologizing, and he accepted, saying we'd be friends...but I've heard from him perhaps once or twice since then.

He's married now. I happened upon the wedding site in late 2001. Kimmy is really cute, and I'm glad for them both. My entry of congratulation was deleted from the guestbook. I assume he's trying to close that chapter, or perhaps Kimmy doesn't want me around - don't blame either of them if that's the case. They've got a great new house...very pretty, and it sounds like a nice neighborhood. One of those fancy communities.

Am I envious of Kimmy? I don't think so - I'm genuinely happy that Danny found someone to have and to hold, and she seems like a nice girl. Certainly, I'm curious - what would it have been like if I had been that someone?

Maybe it just comes down to this...am I satisfied now?

I love +Kyle. I can't imagine losing him for any reason, and the thought of doing anything to hurt him absolutely kills me. I can't see myself in that position. We agree on the important things like Scripture. Neither of us wants kids.

But things aren't like they were. I don't get excited like I used to. Like when we first started dating, the mention or thought of just a kiss was enough to set my heart racing. It's commonplace now. It may mean 'I love you', but it doesn't MEAN it. The dreams I've had lately bring back that fluttering rush, and it both excites and saddens me.

I've spent the last year supporting him. He had a desire: to go back to school. No, I didn't want to move 800 miles away from everyone and live in the middle of nowhere. But I did it for him. Of course, I ONLY did it after months of prayer and uncertainty as to whether or not this was the right thing, but when it became apparant that it was the right decision to make, I agreed. Heck, I practically pushed him into it by the end of things.

I wanted a job, and I got it. I didn't intend to be the breadwinner: I'm not built or programmed for it, and I've paid for that dearly. But I've done it, and I've earnestly tried not to complain about it too much - I'm still thankful for the job. There's just the burnout setting in that makes me feel sick of it all. I'm stuck in the position, though, why? Because he wants to finish school, and I want him to be happy.

When do I get to be happy?

But then he wanted a dog. I hate dogs. Now I REALLY hate dogs. But no, this is different...we've talked about getting a wolf hybrid for years, studied them, etc. The opportunity arose, and he took me to meet the family. I caved. We talked about it the whole way home - should we? Can we afford one? Do we really want one now? I knew...I knew, I knew, I knew that we shouldn't. We really couldn't afford one (oh, but we could find a way to do so...adjust our budget...make it fit!) , but I had fallen into puppy love with that pup, and rather than sleeping on it as we should have, we made an executive decision based on the tugging of heartstrings. (Good DAY I hate that word...)

I think I resent +Kyle. I feel like he dragged me away from my family. (Reality: He didn't; I agreed to go...and anyway, it's OUR family even if he barely has anything to do with them.) I feel like he's not trying hard enough to make this work. (Reality: he is again working this semester to help get some debts paid off, even though last semester he said 'never again!'...all this with 5 or so more credit hours than he had last semester.) I feel like he pushed me into getting the mutt. (Reality: We were just stupid on this one, both of us, and no one forced us to get her.) He loves that stupid dog and I can't stand her. He resents me for that. I resent her for taking my place. (Reality: she hasn't taken my place, but she's made a crowd where before there was company.) He's offered to get rid of her, but I won't do it because then he'll resent me more for getting rid of her. So there we are again... He's happy and I'm not. Maybe not happy...he wishes I liked her, but oh well...

We never talk anymore. (True: He's always at school, I'm always at work, and when we're home, one of us is on the computer pretty much until bedtime.) Talking is all we had to base our relationship on from the start, and now we never do it.

Sex is still good...when I'm in the mood for it, which is maybe once a month anymore. The rest of the time, I pretty much just do it to keep him happy. This is definitely wrong. I remember being at a point where the slightest touch would get me so wet I needed to change JEANS. What happened? Half the time I'm not slick enough to even take him...even after a good tongue-lashing. Maybe it's just stress, but I think it's something more, and wish I could put my finger on it.

Everything must be tied together somehow- but how? I have all these negative feelings based on false events. When did I start remembering things differently than they happened?

I don't know. I just want things to be the way they were. I want my dreams to become real but with +Kyle there. I want to be happy for a change, instead of trying to please everyone else.

History

Mar. 24th, 2002 02:24 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
Today's been an interesting one.

We've been seriously going through all our junk this week. There's just so MUCH that we never use, unfinished projects, and general clutter. For instance, I have this mass collection of several hundred audiocassettes - all recorded from the radio, my own compositions, old time radio progams, etc. It came to me that if I download MP3s of all this public domain music, I could fit about 13-15 cassettes worth of music on one disc. Boy that'd be a reduction of space!

So the first tape I pulled out today was one from the mid '90s. Mostly stuff recorded from Rick Dees' top 40, but a few others mixed in from who knows where. Here's the playlist:
"High Energy Mix"
4 Non Blondes - What's Up
Gina G - Just A Little Bit
EMF - Unbelievable
Republica - Ready to Go
No Mercy - Where Do You Go
Danny Elfman - Gratitude
Los del Rio - Macarena
Robert Miles - One & One
Jock Jams - Pump Up the Volume
Baha Men - Back to the Island
Adam Ant - Wonderful
Boys II Men - Water RUns Dry
INXS - Need You Tonight
Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf. Rio, Ordinary World, Come Undone

Now if that isn't an eclectic mix, I don't know what is. ^_~

Seriously, though...I really don't get into the techno/house/dance mix stuff anymore, but this really made for a fun listen today. When these songs came out, I was still struggling under a deep 2-year depression. It's no wonder I fed on the energy from these songs like I did.

In the early days, I basically decided that God hated me, having lost many people in a short amount of time, and so He (in my mind) certainly was no reason to get up. I was bored out of my mind with school, and frustrated too. My mother was depressed all the time, so I was often the one to keep the house clean, make sure my brothers did their schoolwork and ate, etc. I was always tired from that, and depression only made it worse. Being 14 or 15, I didn't see eye-to-eye with my parents, and my mom's depression of course coloured that further - my dad having to deal with that didn't help either. My three younger brothers were annoying, so my entire family was no reason to get up. The fact that none of them realized I was so depressed didn't help. I don't know if I felt unloved or just unnoticed. Math has never been my strong point, and my mind just couldn't grasp even basic principles in algebra at this time. School was no reason to get up. I didn't even try during that time. I don't know how I wound up with enough gradepoints to graduate.

But always there was music. I talked to DJs a lot during my teen years. That's pathetic, I know, but it was something. This was before MP3s, so I had all these tapes, and always a walkman with me. I had friends, but I don't think anyone knew really what to do with me. This was when I was first starting out on the internet, and I was growing away from my RL friends in other ways as well...probably because I never really wanted to do anything.

I should warn you I'm going to get graphic here )

January 2012

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