Jun. 8th, 2004 10:32 am
lsdiamond: (Default) +Kyle went to talk to my dad yesterday. He won't tell me what he
went to talk to him about, but I'm sure I can guess...what else would he
talk about other than everything he's been going on about with me? He's not
satisfied with my giving up a friend for the sake of trying to make our
marriage work out. He wants total separation...for me to never even say
"hi, howya doin'?" again. I find that unreasonable. When those former
feelings are gone...when emotional separation has taken place...I don't see
the problem with a "hi, how are you?" once or twice a month, if that. I
don't have to talk to him all the time anymore, but I don't see the problem
in a once-in-a-while thing, either. +Kyle says it's because Scooter has
never been a friend to either of us, and he wishes I could see that. You
know, even if that is true...I *am* a friend...or I try to be, at any rate.

+Kyle hates me being goth right now, especially the overall look (it
'repulses' him). He's convinced that it's evil and that it revolves around
a constant "woe is me" attitude. Nevermind that I am generally in a better
mood when I go all out with it. It's fun, and it fits me. It doesn't
matter that it's something I enjoy. It doesn't matter that it's something
I'm willing to NOT do around +Kyle *because* he doesn't like it. That's not
enough. I can't do it at all because it "reflects on him". This from the
very person who told me to stop worrying about what people think of me,
because he never worries about what people think of him.

Then there's the sex issue. I'm sure he brought that up, since it's such a
huge sticking point. He thinks that multiple times a day or more is perfectly
reasonable. I think 2-4 times a week is plenty. Oh sure, about once a
month, I get to where once a day sounds pretty good, but no...I should want
it all the time too, or at the very least, put out whenever he wants it,
because that's surely what the Bible means.

I'm sure he went on about how he's made all these changes and how I'm
punishing him by making him wait for me to love him like I should. How we
shouldn't even be in this situation, and shouldn't I be getting there

I'm reasonably certain he's still going through my email. I opened Outlook
Express this morning, and it was open to a full-screen instead of windowed.
I never use the full-screen option with my email client, and there are a lot
of times I keep Internet Explorer and/or other windows windowed.

Don't know if it would have come up or not, but he hates my job. Oh, he's
thankful for it, but he hates the hours, hates that we never see each other,
etc. So what does he do when we do have spare moments? He bitches about
how we never see each other. Why not, instead, do something productive like
ENJOY what little time we do have? I told him this last night when he
wouldn't shut up, knowing full well that I needed to leave in order to get
there on time. I just barely made it before 10:00, and that was only
because Assistant Manager John was within shouting distance of the time
clock. Normally, one has to wait about 5 minutes on a page.

I have to wonder if he told my dad anything about the fight we had last
week...the one where he threatened both our lives, and did in fact cause me
physical harm even after swearing not to ever again. I think I hurt him too
a couple of times, but since it was to get a loaded weapon away from him,
and not just for the sake of being cruel, I think it's justified.

Did he bring up *anything* I've told him about my feelings on these various
matters? Did he talk about how, so often when there's something he wants
from me, he sulks, pouts and argues until I give in? Did he complain about
how he has two degrees and works at "a fucking grocery store"?


May. 30th, 2004 12:58 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
This has been a strange, strange week.

Actually, things have been nothing but strange, hectic, and difficult since we got back. +Kyle and I have fought more than ever for weeks. I flipflop on how I feel, and what I think I'm capable of right now. He flipflops on whether or not to kick me out or hold onto me for dear life.

He's threatened to kill himself over me leaving twice this week...this after telling me to get out if I don't want him for him *now*. The last time (I guess it was Thursday) resulted in me getting pretty bruised and slightly cut up from wrestling his 1911 away from him, then his knife, then trying to wear him out hiding the gun in pieces so he couldn't use it. I actually remembered to take the bullet out of the chamber this time, but I couldn't get the safety off to actually do it. This is the pistol he built, and the safety is really tight. I let him believe I threw the gun under the stairs to buy some time, but since it wouldn't budge, I had to hide it. So we played, "Where's the gun? What did you do with it?" for about an hour. This is a fun game where I say nothing and he makes various threats to my bodily health and happiness to try to get me to talk. It's not fun getting tapped in the face with a flashlight, waiting for the blow that's going to cave in part of it.

So after about two hours, and another session of insane laughter at nothing funny, he got to the point of realizing just what he was doing, and stopped. He swears this was the last time. Never again. It sure as hell is the last time. I can't do this anymore. Love puts up with a lot, but it's not stupid, either.

I should note here that he had unplugged the phone and thrown it somewhere so I couldn't call the police, and I wasn't about to leave him alone in the house long enough to find a neighbor who would get up at that hour.

Lots of talking afterward. I don't remember what about, but we calmed down for the time being.

So Friday, we went out, despite having had quite the argument. Much the same topic. I'm not in love with him *now*, so I should just leave. We *had* to go out, because +Kyle needed to pick up his check, and we needed groceries, but also we had been planning to go to the mall all week, just to get out of the house. Now, the last time we'd talked about it, he'd mentioned just going alone. I thought that was a good idea. But we get to Friday, and when I don't want to go, still thinking it a good idea for him to try things without me, he sulks, provoking the argument.

So I ended up going anyway. We went to the mall, obtained Sakkio and then bummed around separately. Ran into each other a couple of times. Decided to leave, and in the car, he asked what kind of a break I wanted. I said I'd been thinking it might be a good idea for me to move out for a couple of months. No, that's not acceptable. If I leave for any amount of time, he'll find me with divorce papers.

So I left that alone, and we drove along to see if Formosa was still around. Someone allegedly found a cat's tooth in their chicken one time around November of last year. I smell conspiracy, because they were planning on a remodel, and had closed for it around that time. It's now something like Fortune Chinese Buffet, and I hope it's run by the same people, because their food was the absolute best. Maybe it really was cat, but if so, I'd live on it. :P Animals taste good.

So we went to Toys R Us afterward just to look around, and avoid going back to the house right away. More separate browsing. I was looking at CDs and games, and +Kyle came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but, can I take you out for coffee?" I didn't get what he was doing, but accepted and linked arms with him. He asked if I was that close with everyone, or if he was just that good. I started to understand, and said I was just that affectionate, and he was kinda cute.

So he started talking about his wife and how he was feeling neglected and they were having a lot of problems, etc. We went down to Barnes and Noble since there's a Starbucks, got frappuccinos and sat down and talked about our respective situations. It was interesting talking about him like he wasn't there, and hearing his take on things I have done. We speculated about each other's spouses and the reasons they might do the things they do. Maybe he didn't understand that his reactions to her "health craze" was actually destructive. Maybe she doesn't want to tell him about things that bother her, because it'll mean she's nagging, etc. "I know that's something I tend to do," type speculation.

It was an interesting approach, but I still didn't understand exactly his reasoning behind it. He kept saying things like, "Maybe I just need to let her go...give her the space she's looking for." I'm sitting here going, "He finally gets it!" He said that he didn't know how things were going to work out with his wife, but that he liked me and would like to spend some time with me, maybe going out on the weekends or something.

To me, that sounds like someone who has resigned themself to the fact that they can't be with the person they love for whatever reason. Perhaps I only think this way because it's what I've had to do.

But no...when we got back to the house, and I 'crashed at his place', he decided he wanted to talk about the evening. I really didn't think it a good idea, but agreed to against my better judgment.

It turned out that he was trying to start over with no baggage. Good idea, perhaps, but he was still trying to force something that isn't there, which only frustrated matters more. THEN he turned around and asked, "Will you marry me?" Did he really expect me to say yes?

I tried, I really did, to be calm and explain why this wasn't a helpful situation, but it just deteriorated. He started praying for me to be healed from our fight, and for our marriage to be restored. I didn't even say an amen. I was too beyond frustrated and exhausted to know if I really agreed, and am I going to lie about it? Not even.

So yesterday we muddled along after yet another fight before he went to work. He said, "If you don't want me for me...don't be here when I get back." So I tried to find somewhere to go with no luck. Called Mary. No answer. Called Pam. No answer. Got on LJ to see if anyone was even on that I could talk to. Des replied, but she was going out to help Jason, and she's been sick anyway, so I wouldn't want to burden her with this right now.

So I debated what to do at all, and, still being mentally exhausted, I took a nap on the couch. Most of my stuff is packed, and he didn't say I should take everything...just to not be there. The problem being that I had nowhere to go, I left messages and waited for some reply. Pam called around 6:00, and we talked for a long time about what's been going on. I came to some disturbing conclusions, the largest of which is that, even though I didn't sleep with anyone else, I'm still an adulteress in this. Emotional lust is still lust. Wanting what's not rightfully yours in the stead of what is yours. We talked about other things, like what's helped her in her marriage, their struggles with mental problems. Granted, she's never had to deal with physical abuse, but their problems have been dreadful.

She did tell me something that I think I finally get. I asked her, "How much is 'a lot'?" She said she thought I knew, but honestly, I didn't. She said that there comes a point where you have to ask if you've truly done everything you can for this person, and when you get to that point, you have to remember that the choices they make are THEIR choices. She said I am not responsible for the things +Kyle does. She said it was a hard lesson for her to learn that she was not responsible for the times when Gg made self-damaging choices, but eventually she learned it.

I'm at that point.

I told her about the things that +Kyle has changed so drastically to try to make this work. Yes, it was all based on hope and perhaps some faith, but he did get a job. He hates it, but he's said he'll stick with it as long as it takes. He found us a place to live. She expressed consternation on the timing of it, my stress level, and the fact that we have NO money.

I had seriously thought about staying in Oklahoma for a couple more weeks, just to keep drawing a paycheck and get things going that much more easily. She said that could have been a good idea. The problem was that +Kyle has always said if I stayed behind, or leave him, it's for good. So far I haven't been able to, in good conscience, do that. And the few times I've taken him at his word, it's resulted in him begging me to stay in some way or another.

I have, up to this point, been operating under the belief that it's possible that I could learn to love +Kyle again. I've come to realize that's impossible until my feelings for Scooter fade to a sufficiently "friendly" level. I don't know how long that's going to take, or honestly, if it will happen at all. Until that happens, all I have to hang onto is my desire to do what's right in spite of what I want. I've tried to explain this to +Kyle on numerous occasions, but only last night did he *get* it. Now all of a sudden, he's willing to wait. I guess he sees a ray of hope in this. I'm not there yet. I'm still hurting from this.

+Kyle has gone over time and time again how he's hurting too. I know he's hurting. It's kindof my fault that he's hurting. He reminds me constantly how we shouldn't even be here - I'm punishing him by making him wait for me to love him like I should, being that he's my husband and all. I've explained time and time again that it's not intentional. It never has been. Well...I can't say that...but it didn't start that way. I was starving for something, didn't know how to get it , and when it came along by accident, I held on with both hands, even when the voice in the back of my mind said, "You really don't need to be here." By then, I didn't care anymore because I was happy, and +Kyle didn't seem to mind since I was finally less melancholy.

Until of course it got to the point where I gave my heart, which I had so carefully locked away from +Kyle to keep from getting hurt anymore, to someone to whom I had no right. Then I got more depressed than before.

Still operating under this belief that it may be possible to be happy with +Kyle again, I've had to stop talking to Scooter at all, even as a friend. At least for awhile. It's so draining on me. I know we can't be anything more than friends, and I can't keep expending energy on something for which hope must be postponed indefinitely. Even if +Kyle and I do wind up separating, I'll have no choice but to be alone, because the woman at the well was forgiven...but told to go and sin no more. If I want to do the right thing, I have to play by the rules...even though it hurts like hell. I have explained this to them both as best I know how, but I don't think either one really understands.

Scooter has always said my happiness is the most important thing to him. If I can be happy with +Kyle, that's what he wants for me. If I can't be happy unless we're apart, that's what he wants for me. Yet, he will wait to the end of his days for a chance to be with me if possible. That is a great source of pain for me in this, too, because I let things go so far.

I can't help that we grew to love each other so deeply. I should have told him I feared where this was going much sooner than I did. And when I actually realized where it was going, I should have said goodbye before things got so involved. But I was foolish...arrogant...I thought I could control things better. I thought I could keep my feelings in check. We both did.

I miss him so, so much. I miss everyone.

There was a little girl in church this morning. She looked almost just like Twyla. About the same age...darker hair, but similar facial features, and a sweet temperment. I cried all during church, partially because of her and missing Twyla and everyone, and partially because the sermon and readings hit really close to home right now. It was about faith and what kinds you can have:

No faith (disciples in the storm)
Little faith (Peter falling after walking on the water)
Great faith (pagan woman begging Jesus for her daughter's healing)

The underlying idea was that faith, being the stuff of which our hopes are made, and the evidence of things we can't physically experience, is the reason behind the things we do as Christians, or rather, it should be.

I'm so sad today. I'm trying to open up to +Kyle, but it's hard because the main reason I'm sad is the main reason he's angry. It's not fair that he is in this situation, but it's still not fun for me, either.
lsdiamond: (Default)
It always comes back to this. What I want in life doesn't matter. Why doesn't it matter? Because what I want, inevitably I cannot have. God seems to delight in allowing things to come into my life and then showing me why they're not for me. (Well, it does say he loves chastisement, now doesn't it?) Right now, I want to run away from my problems, and ignore the fact that people always have problems, and they don't go away. I want to go back, to be with the one with whom I am still in love, despite everything. I want to be happy. But I want to do what's right despite my own desires, so I have stayed and acted in a loving way toward +Kyle, and

But none of that matters. Even if I didn't care about right and wrong, I can't go back now. Even if +Kyle kicks me out.


I need time. I found myself once, and that person seems better off alone right now. I want to go back to school. I want to learn Japanese, and finish my degree. I want to travel. I want to get out of debt. Can I do those things with a significant other, regardless of who that may be? Sure. In some ways, it would be easier. In others, more difficult. But will I still want to be alone after all of that? It could be years. What then? I can't get married again unless I go back to +Kyle, but since he wouldn't have me back, I couldn't marry anyone else unless +Kyle commits adultery. I don't know that I would want to remarry at all, but I have to consider every possibility.

Even if not for this, I don't have a job to go back to anymore. Terry pulled the Thrifty ad, our biggest client. There were several reasons, mainly the cost-effectiveness of inserts vs. the double-truck ad in the centre of the paper. But do you know what Niki told me he said? He said I was the best ever to do his ad. The best ever, and I am no longer there. I cried over that. I could cry over it now.

Oh, I have friends out there...many practically family. Someone would take me in until I was on my feet again. There are other jobs to be had. But the schooling I want isn't out there, anyway, and it would look terrible if I went back...even if I wasn't running back into someone else's arms (which I wouldn't be, wanting time *alone*), it would look bad.

So which do I want more? Happiness now? Or a hope of happiness later (that I frankly don't see, and don't know if I have faith for at the moment) if I do the right thing? Does it even matter? +Kyle doesn't want me to stay because it's the right thing to do. He wants me to stay because I want to stay. He wants me to want him again, and he wants it now. I've had "long enough" to love him again the way he wants and the way I should.

And if I don't want him *now*, he wants me out. Today. Before he gets off work. He's been telling me for days to pack up and go back to Oklahoma. "Go find a way to be with *him*," he says. Of course, he's just trying to give me what I want a hundred times over to make me sick of it...make me smoke the whole pack at once...he told me that last night.

I've asked for weeks, How do I turn it on? How do I make myself want something I haven't wanted in years? Now I ask, Why do I even bother? It's not good enough, because a desire to try to work it out because it's the right thing to do is "the wrong reason" according to +Kyle. It's not enough for him.

If I stay, we will both continue to be miserable. If I leave, no matter where I go, it's over for good because he wants a clean break. If I stay, he'll believe I feel something I don't feel, and it still won't be good enough for him. If I leave, he might try to kill himself again. If I stay, he'll keep bombarding me with "I'm in love with you", and then sulk when I can't return that to his satisfaction. If I leave, he'll be heartbroken because his universe revolves around me and he doesn't want to lose me. I have hoped that by staying, by making efforts to be happy again, by letting him be what he wants to be to me, that I would regain those feelings. He is not satisfied by that.

I had already said an indefinite goodbye to Scooter. That hasn't helped yet. Those feelings do not just disappear. We had remained friends with permission, and yeah, it's been hard, but just because you resign yourself to the fact that something isn't going to happen, it doesn't mean you don't miss it. It doesn't just go away. Even when you're not faced with that person anymore, it doesn't just go away.

Things were easier with +Kyle last night because he was operating as though we were just friends. We do well like that...palling around. He even agreed. Then we get back here, talk about the evening, and he tells me that no, he was not offering to let go and just be friends, that he was trying to start over with no baggage. THEN he comes off and asks me if I'll marry him right off the bat? I don't know! That just confuses me more!

What do I do? This just keeps coming up. It's not going away, and it's not going to. I'm tired of trying. He doesn't want me to try, anyway, because I don't share the feelings he does, and haven't for a very very long time. Knowing I have been in the wrong about much of this doesn't change the fact that I Can't Just Turn It Back On. Maybe some people can, but I'm not one of them. I know. I've tried.

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble...
If I stay, it will be double...
So come on and let me know...
Should I cool it or should I blow?


May. 22nd, 2004 11:56 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
So +Kyle came to me yesterday and said, "You're not happy with me, are you?"

I said I didn't know. I don't know. I should be. He's done everything he said he would, and things have turned out like he said they would. He got the job. He found us a place to live, with Ian's help. We got moved out here with relative ease. People are glad to have us back. He already says he hates his job, but he'll stick with it as long as he has to. It looks very good that I'll be getting work soon.

So what the hell is wrong with me? All these positive aspects, and I am still depressed over leaving. Of course, it's mostly only one person I miss enough to BE so depressed, but I have many twinges of sadness for the others, as well. It feels like part of me is missing. I guess it is, really, but for whatever reason I can't or won't let +Kyle fill it. But which is it - can't or won't? Probably the latter, just because I seem to be that awful of a person. Grieving for the loss of one over the gain of many. I wouldn't make a very good world leader.

But the point is, what is wrong with me? Why aren't I happy with what I have? Why can't I even be merely content with it? Don't I believe that what we have can be better, if we're patient and work with it? Moping around isn't helping things, but I don't know how to speed up the process and move on.

He told me to just take the truck and go because he's about had all he will take. I can't do that. What good would it do? He says I'd be happy, and he wouldn't have to put up with all this crap from me anymore. But he doesn't understand that I wouldn't be truly happy. Sure, the situation would likely be more enjoyable, and certainly easier, but with the decision overall, taking the easy way out, no...that wouldn't make me happy, either. So how do I become happy with +Kyle instantaneously, so he doesn't have to suffer? I don't know how to do that. Is it possible to control one's emotions, or only their reactions to the emotions they feel? I have great difficulty "making" myself act happy when I'm depressed. It's not heartfelt, so it's obviously fake.

He doesn't want to wait any longer on me to fall in love with him again - it's been over a month, and that should be long enough, to him...but I don't know how to do it at the drop of a hat. So what happens next? I am here. With him. That's a start. We couldn't start over very well if I were somewhere else. I'd hoped he would appreciate that, but perhaps that was silly of me to consider.

+Kyle's been telling me all sort of things he needs from me for weeks, but this has been one of those things I had to figure out on my own. Sometimes you can be told something over and over, and not get it until you've mulled it over for yourself.

I have to be a wife who loves her husband (and acts like it)...for real. The question is can I do it quickly enough to suit +Kyle before he finally kicks me out? We made some progress tonight, talking about several important aspects, and things seem better for now. I'm just afraid that if I screw up any little thing now, that will have been my very final chance. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me," after all...

We have been going back and forth with this for awhile now. One of us wants to fix things, and the other pulls away. Then it reverses. Back and forth. If we could just both want to fix things together, I'm sure things will work out. It seems like that's where we are right now.

I have to give this marriage everything I have, which is not a whole lot right now...I just hope it's enough.


May. 16th, 2004 07:42 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Well...we're here, in more or less one piece. The trip was a disaster. Over 18 hours of driving - should have been no more than 14 hours.

Friday, we got finished packing the van around 7:00 pm, then went to to meet Scooter at the Western Inn for one last conversation over coffee. We pretty much just talked about Neverwinter Nights, getting our systems up on Linux, and good old geeky stuff. +Kyle and I had dinner of omelettes. Their Denver omelette is pretty darn good. Two hours and 6 or 7 cups of coffee later (and that was just me), it was time to say goodbye. It was quick...but it couldn't have been any other way. We stood and held each other for probably too long, although I don't think either of us really wanted to let go. He shook +Kyle's hand, then pulled him into a hug, and went to his car, saying he'd see us around.

I didn't even make it to the truck before breaking down. +Kyle put his arm around me as we walked and finally said, "If you want to stay, this is your last chance."

"The van is packed."

"That doesn't matter."

I think I just shook my head...I don't even remember if I said anything. I just got in the truck and we drove out, and took the highway up toward I-40. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.

In doing this, I realize...or at least think I do...that leaving must be the right thing to do...because it was so damn hard. It's almost never truly easy to do the right thing. Not really. Even for so-called "good people". If it's easy...if it doesn't hurt...require some it really right? I've been called a martyr for saying things like this, but isn't it true, really? Staying would have been selfish...a hell of a lot easier than leaving, especially after the fight we'd had earlier that day...but selfish nonetheless. Is thinking like this being lost in self-pity? I don't think's just one of those things that keeps popping up.

I know that, had I stayed, a life would have been available. They'd have welcomed me back at the Record. I'd have had friends. I'd have gone to school - maybe not for the language, but MSC had some courses I'd have been interested in, and Ms. Coulter seemed like such a wonderful teacher. I'd have kept going to New Beginnings, and gotten involved with the people of that church. Most importantly to me, I'd have had a family - maybe not by blood, but certainly by agape.

So I just prayed. I took something Don said a few weeks ago, and prayed to be like Jabez. My name may not be a cursed name, and there are millions of people with harder lives than mine, but I asked blessing. I asked that this decision to leave behind that which I want, for sake of ease and all the rest, this decision to stay with +Kyle, knowing that the healing needed is going to take time and hard work and many many unpleasant be blessed. I'm not doing it FOR blessings. I made the decision to stick by him because it seems the right thing to do. But I asked them anyway, because I am so tired of being sad...of hurting... I don't think it's wrong of me to ask this, because Jabez did, and God blessed him just for asking.

I also asked Him not to make me wait too long for real happiness.

Somewhere around Vian, OK, (midnightish?) we stopped for a break at a Phillips 66. I went inside, got cleaned up from crying so much, and then went for coffee. Some cop had just finished at the counter, and he and the guy were talking. I got something like a 16 oz. cup, and went up to pay for it. The guy at the counter was probably around 45, maybe 6 ft. tall, greying, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt with a Harley logo. "Traveling?"

"Yep...long, long drive..."

He just looked at me for a second, then said, "Are you a biker? Leather...all the black...chain wallet..." He smiled.

"No...this is just me..." I smiled a little.

I pulled out the wallet, and tried to pay, but he said, "Just take the coffee. You look like you need it."

I smiled a little more, thanked him, and left. That little exchange really blessed me. More than just the coffee, it was an element of caring that you don't see very often. I wish I'd gotten his name - I would have liked to send a note. I can't find a Phillips 66 actually IN Vian...the closest one listed in the yellow pages is about 8 miles away. I pray many many blessings in return for him.

We had planned on getting to Little Rock before stopping, but I wore out way too early. We only made it to Clarksville, which is about 100 miles west of Little Rock. We found a Super 8, and stopped for the night. The shower was nice.

We passed a place called Toad Suck, Arkansas shortly thereafter. We've passed it several times, of course, but I've never remembered to mention it until now. We crossed a bridge at one point, and there was a sign for Lotahwatah Road. There are way too many bridges on this drive.

I made about 12 mix tapes for the trip - only listened to about half of them, because I torture myself with depressing music when I'm already depressed. Maybe I'll post the playlist. Maybe not.

We left out around 11:00 the next day. Things went pretty smoothly until Mayflower, Arkansas...or actually about 7 miles out from it. It was about noon by then. Traffic stood at a complete halt up until just past the exit for Mayflower. We were in line for an hour.

Now, about a mile out from the exit, we saw a nasty wreck in the westbound lane. There was a trooper in the eastbound lane, but he wasn't the problem. Underneath the overpass at Mayflower, there was another cop keeping things slowed down for no apparant reason. Immediately past that, traffic picked up again.

Anyway, we got off at Mayflower because I needed petrol badly, and were there for probably half an hour because they were having trouble with EVERYTHING...the debit machine...the pumps...everything. The lady said it was her first day working alone, and everything that had could go wrong had - they had even run out of gasoline once already that day. (I'm not surprised, with all the people WAITING for AN HOUR...)

I called Nancy and the 'rents to tell them where we were and how far behind things were. Nancy sounded glad to hear from us.

So we drove and drove, and got to Memphis around 4:30 or 5:00. I hate that bridge. I hate it in the dark. I hate it even worse in the daytime.

Memphis was the seventh circle of hell. There is NO exit marked for Highway 72. We miss that exit every time we get off I-40. Every time. Even when we have directions. This time we got really lost, except for that we remembered that the road name was a tree...Pecan or Poplar...we were sure it started with a 'P'. Eventually we stopped and got directions, then happened upon Poplar. Problem was we turned West instead of East. So we got turned around, and of course by now, Rush Hour was REALLY going, so it was about 6:30 before we even got OUT of Memphis. I have to keep telling myself to stop looking at little maroon cars.

Somewhere in Memphis, while stopped at one of the million or so stoplights, I saw a store called Dan West Christmas Supplies. Their little slogan was, "When it comes to Christmas...go West..." I don't know why, but it was of interest at the time.

That was the most harrowing part, and I really got to the point of not being able to control myself. Could not stop crying. +Kyle kept getting on the radio and asking where we should be turning, etc., and of course I have no idea, so that just made me crazier. I was pretty rude, screaming at him and such... I plead temporary insanity. I told him I wasn't ready to make this move. I told him I couldn't handle it, that my nerves were already shot to hell and that I really needed to wait a few more weeks to settle down.

But anyway... In Germantown, we pulled over, and +Kyle basically told me that I just had to pull myself together and keep going. Maybe I needed it, but at the time I definitely didn't want to hear it. He went off and called the 'rents and his mom to tell them what was going on, we got some drinks and went on.

Somewhere in Mississippi we stopped again at a little gas station to fill up. Some kid who looked about 12 came out of the store holding a root beer, then got into a green VW beetle (his shirt matched), backed out, and drove back behind the station, to some housing in the back. The guy who runs the store came out, saw me gawking, and said, "Don't be surprised when you see things like that around here." I guess the kid really was about 12. He looked like a sandy blonde Daniel Radcliffe...Harry Potter glasses and everything.

The clerk said we had another 3-1/2 to 4 hours drive to the Huntsville area. I called the Scotts again - Jim answered this time - to let them know we would be getting in FAR later than anticipated and didn't want to bother them when we got in, instead. He sounded glad to hear from me, too, and wished us well.

The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful...just long...

We got to Athens right around 10:30. Found the house with little difficulty. It's a nice place. Hardwood floors. Basement. Probably about 1200 sq. ft. It's a steal, really, at $350 a month.

I've got to find a job. I was really hoping to be able to take a break, but even if +Kyle gets this job tomorrow, it's not going to pay the bills, much less get us caught up. He's talking about getting a second job, too, but we need fun money, too, or we're going to go insane. There are way many movies this summer that will not be worthy unless seen on the big screen. We would like to bowl more regularly, go skating, etc., take Ian, the boys, and probably Logan out some. Need to get out with Gamegod and Geekgrrl...etc.

Oh well... It's late, and that's pretty much the whole trip, so...for now, goodnight.


May. 14th, 2004 03:05 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I realize it's probably a good thing that Scooter is not online tonight... I can't be emotionally dependent on someone who isn't around. It would be comforting, but also painful.

+Kyle is driving me absolutely bonkers, though. He keeps asking me what's wrong. It hasn't changed - I don't want to move, but I am going to anyway. I told him I'd work through this with him, that I'd be with him no matter what. He's moving, so that means I have to as well. He says I'm not trying to make this work. How can I tell him about my inner battle? I may have had to force down emotional attachment from Scooter, but I *do* still love him. Just because he's not going to be around doesn't mean he'll be gone from my mind or my heart right away.

I wish that the idea of seeing everyone again was comforting or even happy, but it's not. All I can see right now is that I am leaving a lot of people I love dearly behind...especially one.

+Kyle wrote this immense letter today outlining that he wants to be everything for much so that I never even think of another man. He wants me to smile about him like he does about me. Having little more than compassion for +Kyle right now, that's not a thought that seems feasible. It doesn't sound pleasant. It feels like going back to prison after being pardoned from a life sentence. Isn't that a horrible way for me to feel?

I want to do the right thing...apparantly that is to stay with +Kyle and work my ass off for the next however many years. But at the same time, I see my reasons to smile being left behind. Perhaps I will find old ones again in Alabama. Perhaps new, what with school coming up...although I think I'm going to have to put it off because +Kyle keeps reminding me how much debt we already have. -_- I really don't want to do that, because if I don't go back now, I may never go back.

For +Kyle's sake, I'm hopeful that these strong emotions will fade over time, but I'm also fearful that they will. No one *wants* to hurt, but I am afraid that one day I will find I don't miss him that much, and the pain inside me even now will cease. What happens in that case? What if he still misses me? Or what if he finds he doesn't miss me so much anymore, either? What if he finds someone else? I would be happy for him...but would I not also feel a sense of loss? He says he doesn't want anyone else...but life tends to throw things at us when we least expect it. I have to keep that possibility in mind. He is strong, but can he last that long? Will he grow weary? Will loneliness overtake him? Bitterness? I hope not. I have given him yet another hypocrite to despise, yet he does not see it, or at least, has not acknowledged it to me.


May. 4th, 2004 05:45 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
May 15th...

+Kyle wants to be leaving Oklahoma next weekend.

Words escape me...I never wanted to love this place...but now I don't want to leave.

...the mere thought of leaving has been tearing me apart inside for a long time.

...the realization that it is about to happen hasn't fully hit yet. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when it does.

+Kyle is driving me insane. He wants to be all comforting, but it's not working. I let him try, but I'm still numb to him a lot of the time. Maybe this time it's because he's the cause of the hurt. I know it's not intentional - he wants to do whatever's best for the both of us. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me want to let him try to help me...quite the opposite. When you get burned, you pull your hand out of the fire...not roll around in it.

What happened to waiting to move until I was a little more stable, mentally and emotionally? What happened to him working here until we had the money to move on our own? He says it's because he has a good job opportunity. Guy won't hire him over the phone. I am really uncomfortable with this whole "Well, it looks good, but he wants to talk to me in person" thing. I told +Kyle two weeks ago when I agreed to stay until he finished school that I wasn't leaving this state until he had a job lined up FOR CERTAIN, and a place to stay. Maybe it's a test of faith, but it's really hard to trust *anyone* right now, especially someone who has been so manipulative and so hurtful for so long. All I can see is one more case of him making a decision FOR us and it's hurting. I hope I can look back at some point and realize that it wasn't really like that, but from this side........

I want to cry, but I have been pretty much all day, so I'm tired...but I'm also jittery because I've been into the coffee at work all day. Not smart in my current condition, but...I don't care about much of anything right now.

So anyway, I told Mark & Sherry that +Kyle was ready to go, and they said the 12th should be my last day. I can't even give them a two week notice. They haven't been the greatest of bosses I've had, but they've been wonderful, and I feel like eleven kinds of awful for not being allowed this courtesy.

Called Nancy this afternoon. She said she should have everything finished in plenty of time. I said it was okay if she didn't, because everything fits right, and I don't mind paying to have it shipped if she can't get to it. But she's sure she will, so with any luck, this weekend we'll have it done. She was sorry we won't get to play in her garden together this summer. I am, too. She wished us well. I thanked her and Jim for being so great to us - so much like family.

Am trying to look forward to this weekend, but knowing it's the last time we're going to see so many dear friends (at least until we come back for a visit, and who knows when that will be?) is making that very hard.

Am also feeling bad that I am not looking forward to seeing everyone as much as it seems like I should. Yeah, I miss Ian and the rest of the family, Gamegod & Geekgrrl, Desireah, Logan, and all the rest...I don't really understand this right now.

Thank you, Niki, for the hug today. I love you, too.

...and yes...I'm aware that this is just another whinefest... Here, have some cheese, too...
lsdiamond: (Default)
Today did not go at all like I expected.

First off, I was expecting that we'd be going out to visit Jim at the very least so +Kyle could learn more about welding. Didn't happen.

I'd been given a sign that I needed to bring up the whole "I'm ready to leave" thing again, and was quite quite sick over it. I did actually try sleeping before anything else, but the nausea was just too great. So I went to work for my good blade, and made a larger diamond above the first one. Thought about making the first one more 3-D instead, but ehh... It was pretty pathetic, considering, as I'd agreed to at least be careful if I needed to do it again. Everything welted up quickly because I didn't go deep, so it didn't bleed much at all. Not what I was hoping for. Also, I was really lightheaded afterward, so I had to lie down for a few minutes.

So anyway, I packed a lot of stuff this morning, and was just sitting down to check blogs and the like when +Kyle got up. I had made that post earlier, and +Kyle read it right away, which shocked the daylights out of me. I'm sitting here doing my own thing, and he pops up with, "What happened, hon?"

"...what happened with what?"

"Your latest blog entry. What's wrong?"

"Oh, that. I cut today." Matter of fact. No emotion.

"What do you mean?"

"I was sick this morning, so I cut today."

So he freaks out and comes over to look, and I'm more annoyed by that than anything. He's all, "What's wrong? Tell me what's the matter." and I'm just getting more annoyed, but I know what I have to do, so I go lie down.

I asked if he remembered telling me to find what makes me happy and go for it. He vaguely did, and I said I still wanted to leave. I want time alone. I think it will make me happy.

So +Kyle got really mad, and told me that wasn't happening. He wasn't going to let me, and started going off about all the promises we made. Well, that just made me mad, too. Why on earth would I be so distraught about all of this if I hadn't been considering that very thing?

Getting into the 'why' of it all was *really* fun. I told him about the whole fear of being alone thing...told him how I've lied about sex ever since before we got married, although I'd tried to talk myself into believing that I was okay with everything that happened. Told him myriad things that I had done over the years because he wanted them done, and I thought I was being a good wife by trying to make him happy. Moving to Oklahoma included in that. I never wanted to leave family...friends...home... But he had a dream, and I wanted to help him realize it, so I went. Told him about talking myself into getting Washu because it was something we'd talked about, and he really wanted her. Then when I just couldn't stand her anymore, how I tried to at least tolerate her for his sake. I told him I wasn't trying to keep score or anything, but just that these were the things weighing on my mind.

The worst thing? He makes me feel like a complete heel for all of this. Like I should have tried harder to be happy with these situations - like I have no right to be upset, since they're basically my fault anyway. Like I should have stood up for the things I really wanted, and my beliefs.

He made me promise that I would tell him what I really want when it comes to decisions...I asked him to give me time to think when those decisions came up. We'll see how that goes. He doesn't tend to think about time the same way I do.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm getting tired of talking. I just want things to be fixed.

I hate myself for hurting +Kyle so much. I wish I'd never said a word about any of this, that I'd just continued to pretend that everything was fine. I think the depth of "I'm not in love with you, and can't even remember the last time that I was" has finally struck him. We're going to work through this...for better or worse, right? But it's so damned hard.

I tried to explain to him again about people changing as they grow up. He asked about how he had changed over the years. "You get out and do things with people. You don't always enjoy it, but you try, and sometimes you have fun." I'm so proud of him in that. He asked what else, and I had to think because I wasn't sure if I should go from this direction, but if we're trying to understand each other, it's important.

"You control your temper a lot better than you used to. You don't put me down anymore. You don't shove me around. You don't throw things when you're angry. You're more willing to listen. You're more patient than you used to be." He just closed his eyes and winced every time I threw one of these punches, but he knew they were all true. I said some other things, but I can't remember what.

I told him it had been simply years since I had been in love with him...mostly out of fear, I put up a wall between us so I wouldn't keep getting hurt. I don't think I even realized it was happening at first, but when I did, I knew it was wrong, but didn't know how to take it down, and even if I had, I was still afraid, and couldn't say anything.

I told him how I hated lying to everyone all the time. I remembered a distinct time when we were fighting over...who knows what...and we argued, and he ranted, raved and yelled during the entire drive. It must have been a Friday, because we were going to my parents' house. We fought and I cried up until we got to their driveway, and then we sat in the car a minute so I could compose myself somewhat. We went inside, and *snap* just like that, he was all, "Oh, yeah, we're fine, thanks, you?" and I made some crack about allergies or something... God, I hated that. I remember other times like that, but that was the most memorable time.

I reminded him of a time we were going out to my parents' house another day - I think I was going to work for Dad that day - and he got so angry for whatever it was we were upset over that he ran us off the road and blamed me for it. It took us probably an hour to get out of the ditch, because it was really muddy and slick. He wouldn't let me put rocks under the tires to get them to stop spinning, insisting that that never worked. I think a guy stopped with a chain and offered to pull us out, but he wouldn't accept it. Whenever we did get out, he turned around and we went back to the house. I called and said we'd changed our minds and wouldn't be coming out, or something...I don't even remember.

But I asked him if, after all that, he still really couldn't understand why I put up a wall...if he really didn't understand why I wasn't in love with him after all that. I told him that I think we made a mistake in not waiting longer. We didn't even know OURSELVES well enough to make a permanent, life-altering decision like that. How could we expect to know each other that well?

He doesn't regret it at all. I guess he has no reason to; he's really become a better person, and I guess it is truly because of me. I seem to have that effect on people, or so they keep telling me.

I just realized why I put up with so much. I've blamed it on beliefs and obedience to God, but I suddenly realize that it really comes down to my having been afraid that no one else would ever want me. The changes I've made in myself over the past two years - getting and staying fit, gaining confidence, trying new things, and my experiences in doing so - have taught me that I am and have always been worth more than that, even though for so long I didn't see it. Perhaps that is why I'm so unsatisfied now. Perhaps that is why I don't really feel like trying, despite my beliefs.

Damn it, I'm not Mary. I'm better than she is. I'm a better person. Not because of ME; because I'm saved and forgiven and because I DO try to let God guide my footsteps. I have to make an effort. I have to try to learn to FEEL that love again besides just acting it out of obligation. You know, maybe she DID go through the same types of things with her husband. But I'm at least willing to TRY instead of running away from a hateful situation. I don't mean to compare myself to someone else, and be all holier-than-thou. I truly don't mean that at all by what I'm saying here. I am recognizing a potential weakness; a chink in my armour, and trying my hardest to repair it before it gets any worse.

We talked some more about what's going to happen when we move...What faith means to each of us, etc... Maybe more on that later. It's a good thing, either way.

Edit: 10:54 PM

Well, we just got back from Sherman. We bummed around Target and the mall for a few minutes, then went to see The Last Samurai again. The old theatre there is a dollar theatre now, so yay! Cheap movie=good. This film is just so...very... Wow. I still can't talk about it. If it's still playing near you, go see it. If it's not, rent it as soon as it comes out on video/DVD.

After, we went to Johnny Carino's, which is an (according to the yokels) authentic Italian restaurant. It was *fabulous*... I had the Pot Roast, and +Kyle had Shrimp Scampi. It's good when you can even find low-carb answers at a place that serves pasta with *everything* :P Our waiter, Greg, was really nice, but the place was packed and extremely busy.

We went to TRU and The Dreaded Mart of Wal afterward, so +Kyle could keep looking for a new watch. He did finally find one he liked.

More tomorrow...have conversations to record, provided I don't forget them in my sleep.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm so glad all this mess came out. Things have been incredible between me & +Kyle ever since he found out everything.

I'm thankful for whatever was involved with that night's LJ fluke.

I know that I'm largely to blame for everything... I should have been willing to talk to him, to tell him what was wrong for all this time. But +Kyle's not totally without fault. After years of being verbally beaten down when we fight, he trained me into becoming this mouse, timid and afraid of saying ANYTHING, because it would, inevitably, be the wrong thing. Even so, I should have been strong enough to speak my mind. I should have stood up and said just what it was that I needed. But, for fear of sounding critical and causing him to become angry at that critique, and thus at me, I just vented here, and hoped it would be enough.

Obviously, it wasn't.

I'm honestly stunned by +Kyle's reaction to the whole thing... Truly, his temper has mellowed since we've moved out here, but the fact that he was not utterly furious, or kick me out, or yell and berate me...well...I couldn't believe it.

So we come to that Sunday night after the library. As soon as we left the room, +Kyle started acting strange (to me)...he came up and hugged me for no apparant reason...he opened doors for me... Without knowing what was going on, I knew. Somehow, he had tapped in, and I knew that somehow, this journal was to blame.

He started asking things like, "So what did you and Andrea talk about yesterday?" I answered as little as I could...we had talked about how busy she is being a new mom, life in general, etc. I said I didn't want to bother him with petty things, but admitted that I knew we'd had that conversation before (meaning I knew better).

So he started telling me how he knew he hadn't been paying attention to me in a long time, and how sorry he was. He asked, "Why didn't you come and talk to me?" My premonition was verified. He had read my journal. For whatever reason, LJ had published all my private entries as public that night, and he knew everything.

He said it hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn't upset with me or anything. I told him that I wanted to tell him, but was so afraid that he'd be angry with me, so I've just kept all this stuff to myself. He said he was sorry for leading me to believe that he'd be mad at me just for telling him what was wrong. He said he knows that it's probably been 3-4 years since he really showed me he loved me. He apologized for getting so mad at me for meaningless things, like the laundry debacle. He said he was sorry for all the negativity he's had against my lifestyle changes. He apologized for making fun of the way I dress, and the things I eat. He recognizes that it's about health, and even talked about trying to shape up some, himself.

He said he wished he would have danced with me that night. He said he had felt a little jealous over Scooter taking me away, but didn't want to seem overbearing, so he didn't say anything. I told him I would rather he'd at least acted a little jealous over it. He said he's been reassuring himself for years that I would be home when he got there...he's prayed that nothing would happen to me, and that I wouldn't leave him for any reason. He said he couldn't believe how lucky he is to have me.

He talked about how, the week before, when we had that fight and he kicked me out, all he really wanted from me on the drive home was for me to bounce back and talk to him. I was being quiet so I wouldn't set him off again, but he kept coming at me, being upset that I wouldn't talk...I felt like it didn't matter what I said, so I just stayed quiet so I wouldn't bother him. I wish I had realized that he just wanted me to have gotten over it, and be happy again like usual. I guess it just broke me. I couldn't be happy after that.

So, I told him everything. We sat in the car and talked for an hour.

I told him how I'd been feeling abandoned and rejected by him for so long. I told him how I was afraid to talk to him anymore. I don't think I explained exactly why, but he asked if his temper was really so bad that I felt like I couldn't come to him at all. I admitted that it was, but that within the past couple of months, it had improved markedly.

I told him how special that dance was to it made me feel wanted again. It felt like being in love again.

I told him about how damaging it was when he'd make derogatory remarks about the lifestyle changes I've made. They were never enough to make me stop (doing WW, or later, Atkins), but they were enough to make me not want to talk to him about it. I decided it was better to just make changes myself than try to discuss them...he was just going to make fun of me, anyway, right? The same thing with the animegirl and goth styles...Better to just change and not say anything.

I told him I had been considering leaving him for a long time. I know that cut him deeply to hear, but if I was going to tell him everything, it had to be absolutely everything. I haven't cheated on him...haven't had anyone to cheat on him *with*, for one thing. I was at the point where I really didn't care if it was right or wrong. Partially, I decided, I couldn't live with being a hypocrite. I disowned my mother's sister for destroying her family in this could I make that decision? But, ultimately it was because I love +Kyle too much to just destroy him like that. Yes, I was unhappy..maybe even miserable. I'd considered finding some other way to get what I needed. It was never about sex...just acceptance and gentle, kind affection. But I suppose even those things could be considered cheating if obtained through other means.

He asked if he came after me for sex too often. I said no, but just that I needed more of the other kinds of affection,'s like getting enough water, but not enough sunshine. Even sex is better now. For the first time in as long as I can remember...years...I want him for real, not just to keep him happy.

I'm still curious as to how my LJ posts became public for that one night, but I'm not upset over it. I'm relieved to have all this out in the open. It's been painful, and I sense it will take us both awhile to fully trust each other again. It's hard for me not to think in that "don't tell him, or he'll get mad" mode. I know he has moments of doubt about my fidelity. But I am working to regain that trust, and I am working to trust him to be more composed with me, even when I'm frustrating to him. I'm learning to communicate again.

+Kyle, if you're still reading these entries, I love you. We'll get through this.


Mar. 25th, 2002 01:26 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I don't know what it is....I've just been so depressed this week. Maybe it's just hormones. I haven't had a period since before Christmas, so God only knows what kind of hormonal buildup has happened. It's worth it not to have to put up with the problems every single month, but man...

+Kyle told me tonight, "You're beautiful, you know that?" I never know what to say when he says something like that. I know what he wants me to say ("I know"), but how can I when I don't believe it myself? Sometimes I do just to humour him, but tonight I said "I must be, I guess." He really seemed upset over that and made me give him the answer he wanted anyway.

The whole interchange just depressed me more. I'm one of those people who, when someone says "you're a beautiful person", they mean "you're beautiful on the inside". I don't kid myself...I know I'm not much to look at, and even when I do get my weight down where it needs to be, I'm not going to be supermodel material. But is it wrong for me to wish that I had what it takes for people to notice me? I'd never act on a come-on or have an affair or anything, but just once I'd love to know what it feels like to have some cute guy at the mall do a double-take when I walk by.

Just once.

I really should be happy, you know. I should be thankful that I have a great husband who thinks I'm really all that - and I am thankful...I just wish I could live up to that belief, you know what I mean? I really don't deserve to have wound up with such a great guy.

So I guess that's enough pity-partying. The year's a quarter over, and I need some goals. I cleaned my desk off (mostly) Saturday, and found the fakie Points Finder I bought....3 months ago. I made a printable chart that I can fill out daily so I can keep up with the points of what I eat. I'm going to follow this for one month. If IceFeather can do it, I can. (Insert panicked expression in Icey's general direction!!) That's my goal - follow the plan for one month. At this point, weight loss is not the issue - sticking with something for that long is the issue. I'm terrible at remembering to do things, and let myself get off track really easily. (Just look at our Bible Study group! x_X) So, if I can do this for one month, that will be progress in itself - anything else will be icing on the cake.

So Ice, if you have any more sage advice, I am ALL EARS!!!

Well, I feel some better now. That's probably a good thing. =)

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