This has been a strange, strange week.
Actually, things have been nothing but strange, hectic, and difficult since we got back. +Kyle and I have fought more than ever for weeks. I flipflop on how I feel, and what I think I'm capable of right now. He flipflops on whether or not to kick me out or hold onto me for dear life.
He's threatened to kill himself over me leaving twice this week...this after telling me to get out if I don't want him for him *now*. The last time (I guess it was Thursday) resulted in me getting pretty bruised and slightly cut up from wrestling his 1911 away from him, then his knife, then trying to wear him out hiding the gun in pieces so he couldn't use it. I actually remembered to take the bullet out of the chamber this time, but I couldn't get the safety off to actually do it. This is the pistol he built, and the safety is really tight. I let him believe I threw the gun under the stairs to buy some time, but since it wouldn't budge, I had to hide it. So we played, "Where's the gun? What did you do with it?" for about an hour. This is a fun game where I say nothing and he makes various threats to my bodily health and happiness to try to get me to talk. It's not fun getting tapped in the face with a flashlight, waiting for the blow that's going to cave in part of it.
So after about two hours, and another session of insane laughter at nothing funny, he got to the point of realizing just what he was doing, and stopped. He swears this was the last time. Never again. It sure as hell is the last time. I can't do this anymore. Love puts up with a lot, but it's not stupid, either.
I should note here that he had unplugged the phone and thrown it somewhere so I couldn't call the police, and I wasn't about to leave him alone in the house long enough to find a neighbor who would get up at that hour.
Lots of talking afterward. I don't remember what about, but we calmed down for the time being.
So Friday, we went out, despite having had quite the argument. Much the same topic. I'm not in love with him *now*, so I should just leave. We *had* to go out, because +Kyle needed to pick up his check, and we needed groceries, but also we had been planning to go to the mall all week, just to get out of the house. Now, the last time we'd talked about it, he'd mentioned just going alone. I thought that was a good idea. But we get to Friday, and when I don't want to go, still thinking it a good idea for him to try things without me, he sulks, provoking the argument.
So I ended up going anyway. We went to the mall, obtained Sakkio and then bummed around separately. Ran into each other a couple of times. Decided to leave, and in the car, he asked what kind of a break I wanted. I said I'd been thinking it might be a good idea for me to move out for a couple of months. No, that's not acceptable. If I leave for any amount of time, he'll find me with divorce papers.
So I left that alone, and we drove along to see if Formosa was still around. Someone allegedly found a cat's tooth in their chicken one time around November of last year. I smell conspiracy, because they were planning on a remodel, and had closed for it around that time. It's now something like Fortune Chinese Buffet, and I hope it's run by the same people, because their food was the absolute best. Maybe it really was cat, but if so, I'd live on it. :P Animals taste good.
So we went to Toys R Us afterward just to look around, and avoid going back to the house right away. More separate browsing. I was looking at CDs and games, and +Kyle came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but, can I take you out for coffee?" I didn't get what he was doing, but accepted and linked arms with him. He asked if I was that close with everyone, or if he was just that good. I started to understand, and said I was just that affectionate, and he was kinda cute.
So he started talking about his wife and how he was feeling neglected and they were having a lot of problems, etc. We went down to Barnes and Noble since there's a Starbucks, got frappuccinos and sat down and talked about our respective situations. It was interesting talking about him like he wasn't there, and hearing his take on things I have done. We speculated about each other's spouses and the reasons they might do the things they do. Maybe he didn't understand that his reactions to her "health craze" was actually destructive. Maybe she doesn't want to tell him about things that bother her, because it'll mean she's nagging, etc. "I know that's something I tend to do," type speculation.
It was an interesting approach, but I still didn't understand exactly his reasoning behind it. He kept saying things like, "Maybe I just need to let her go...give her the space she's looking for." I'm sitting here going, "He finally gets it!" He said that he didn't know how things were going to work out with his wife, but that he liked me and would like to spend some time with me, maybe going out on the weekends or something.
To me, that sounds like someone who has resigned themself to the fact that they can't be with the person they love for whatever reason. Perhaps I only think this way because it's what I've had to do.
But no...when we got back to the house, and I 'crashed at his place', he decided he wanted to talk
about the evening. I really didn't think it a good idea, but agreed to against my better judgment.
It turned out that he was trying to start over with no baggage. Good idea, perhaps, but he was still trying to force something that isn't there, which only frustrated matters more. THEN he turned around and asked, "Will you marry me?" Did he really expect me to say yes?
I tried, I really did, to be calm and explain why this wasn't a helpful situation, but it just deteriorated. He started praying for me to be healed from our fight, and for our marriage to be restored. I didn't even say an amen. I was too beyond frustrated and exhausted to know if I really agreed, and am I going to lie about it? Not even.
So yesterday we muddled along after yet another fight before he went to work. He said, "If you don't want me for me...don't be here when I get back." So I tried to find somewhere to go with no luck. Called Mary. No answer. Called Pam. No answer. Got on LJ to see if anyone was even on that I could talk to. Des replied, but she was going out to help Jason, and she's been sick anyway, so I wouldn't want to burden her with this right now.
So I debated what to do at all, and, still being mentally exhausted, I took a nap on the couch. Most of my stuff is packed, and he didn't say I should take everything...just to not be there. The problem being that I had nowhere to go, I left messages and waited for some reply. Pam called around 6:00, and we talked for a long time about what's been going on. I came to some disturbing conclusions, the largest of which is that, even though I didn't sleep with anyone else, I'm still an adulteress in this. Emotional lust is still lust. Wanting what's not rightfully yours in the stead of what is yours. We talked about other things, like what's helped her in her marriage, their struggles with mental problems. Granted, she's never had to deal with physical abuse, but their problems have been dreadful.
She did tell me something that I think I finally get. I asked her, "How much is 'a lot'?" She said she thought I knew, but honestly, I didn't. She said that there comes a point where you have to ask if you've truly done everything you can for this person, and when you get to that point, you have to remember that the choices they make are THEIR choices. She said I am not responsible for the things +Kyle does. She said it was a hard lesson for her to learn that she was not responsible for the times when Gg made self-damaging choices, but eventually she learned it.
I'm at that point.
I told her about the things that +Kyle has changed so drastically to try to make this work. Yes, it was all based on hope and perhaps some faith, but he did get a job. He hates it, but he's said he'll stick with it as long as it takes. He found us a place to live. She expressed consternation on the timing of it, my stress level, and the fact that we have NO money.
I had seriously thought about staying in Oklahoma for a couple more weeks, just to keep drawing a paycheck and get things going that much more easily. She said that could have been a good idea. The problem was that +Kyle has always said if I stayed behind, or leave him, it's for good. So far I haven't been able to, in good conscience, do that. And the few times I've taken him at his word, it's resulted in him begging me to stay in some way or another.
I have, up to this point, been operating under the belief that it's possible that I could learn to love +Kyle again. I've come to realize that's impossible until my feelings for Scooter fade to a sufficiently "friendly" level. I don't know how long that's going to take, or honestly, if it will happen at all. Until that happens, all I have to hang onto is my desire to do what's right in spite of what I want. I've tried to explain this to +Kyle on numerous occasions, but only last night did he *get* it. Now all of a sudden, he's willing to wait. I guess he sees a ray of hope in this. I'm not there yet. I'm still hurting from this.
+Kyle has gone over time and time again how he's hurting too. I know he's hurting. It's kindof my fault that he's hurting. He reminds me constantly how we shouldn't even be here - I'm punishing him by making him wait for me to love him like I should, being that he's my husband and all. I've explained time and time again that it's not intentional. It never has been. Well...I can't say that...but it didn't start that way. I was starving for something, didn't know how to get it , and when it came along by accident, I held on with both hands, even when the voice in the back of my mind said, "You really don't need to be here." By then, I didn't care anymore because I was happy, and +Kyle didn't seem to mind since I was finally less melancholy.
Until of course it got to the point where I gave my heart, which I had so carefully locked away from +Kyle to keep from getting hurt anymore, to someone to whom I had no right. Then I got more depressed than before.
Still operating under this belief that it may be possible to be happy with +Kyle again, I've had to stop talking to Scooter at all, even as a friend. At least for awhile. It's so draining on me. I know we can't be anything more than friends, and I can't keep expending energy on something for which hope must be postponed indefinitely. Even if +Kyle and I do wind up separating, I'll have no choice but to be alone, because the woman at the well was forgiven...but told to go and sin no more. If I want to do the right thing, I have to play by the rules...even though it hurts like hell. I have explained this to them both as best I know how, but I don't think either one really understands.
Scooter has always said my happiness is the most important thing to him. If I can be happy with +Kyle, that's what he wants for me. If I can't be happy unless we're apart, that's what he wants for me. Yet, he will wait to the end of his days for a chance to be with me if possible. That is a great source of pain for me in this, too, because I let things go so far.
I can't help that we grew to love each other so deeply. I should have told him I feared where this was going much sooner than I did. And when I actually realized where it was going, I should have said goodbye before things got so involved. But I was foolish...arrogant...I thought I could control things better. I thought I could keep my feelings in check. We both did.
I miss him so, so much. I miss everyone.
There was a little girl in church this morning. She looked almost just like Twyla. About the same age...darker hair, but similar facial features, and a sweet temperment. I cried all during church, partially because of her and missing Twyla and everyone, and partially because the sermon and readings hit really close to home right now. It was about faith and what kinds you can have:
No faith (disciples in the storm)
Little faith (Peter falling after walking on the water)
Great faith (pagan woman begging Jesus for her daughter's healing)
The underlying idea was that faith, being the stuff of which our hopes are made, and the evidence of things we can't physically experience, is the reason behind the things we do as Christians, or rather, it should be.
I'm so sad today. I'm trying to open up to +Kyle, but it's hard because the main reason I'm sad is the main reason he's angry. It's not fair that he is in this situation, but it's still not fun for me, either.