lsdiamond: (Default)
Ryan wants to be the only one to make me happy, yet still seems bent on
making sure I don't do anything he doesn't like, regardless of whether or
not it makes me happy. My style isn't good enough for him. (It 'repulses'
him. I like the way it looks, and it's fun.) My job isn't good enough for
him. (I'm 'better than that'...never mind that I enjoy the work *and* the
hours.) My desire to
go back to school isn't good enough for him. (He hasn't actually
discouraged me from going, but always says how we can't afford it, and how
it's more time away from him). My friends aren't good enough because
they're not like us. (Many of them aren't Christians, and have worldly
views...but I seem to attract those kinds of people, and they tell me it's
because I'm a light. I do my best to witness to them through example,
although I fail consistently.). I'm not good
enough for him. (I could be more physically fit; I don't want sex enough to
suit him.) Frankly, I think that when he says he wants to make me happy, he
means in bed.

I really am still going back and forth about staying with him. We do fine
for several days, then one of these major issues that KEEPS coming up comes
up, we fight, and it starts all over again. None of our real problems are
getting resolved. Perhaps if we were both willing to give in on some
things, but we're both so stubborn and don't want to give in. I'm tired of
always being the one to give in, and he tends to be spoiled and pouty when
he doesn't get his way. We both want what we want, and don't want to lose
any ground for the other. We're not being loving toward each other at all,
but neither of us seems to care much about that because we're so busy being
upset about not getting our way.

So what to do? I've posited my potential solutions, and he's knocked them
all down. Moreover, he's started putting his foot down about things, and
says it will continue if things keep causing problems between us. I have to
wonder who else he will forbid me from spending time with. What else that I
do, wear, say, think, or feel, is he going to tell me I can't any longer?
He hasn't actually forbidden me from going goth, but he's totally
guilt-tripping me over it, and seems to enjoy doing so. And why wouldn't
he? He gets his way if he pouts enough.

I've had to learn not to step on other people's toes to make myself
happy...so when will people stop stepping on me just they can be happy?

I'm so tired of this shit.
lsdiamond: (Default)
We talked a lot last night and early this morning. Some things seem better.

Overall, though, I find myself in that same old place...I want to lock my heart away where it can't be touched...where I can't be hurt. I'm resentful of +Kyle for his demand yesterday, be it out of love or jealousy or control or righteousness or something else entirely. When we talked about it, I thought I was just upset, but...over the course of the day, and in spite of good progress, I think it's resentment about this one issue. Things were getting better between us for awhile there. I was starting to open up to him again when I thought he was opening up to me...accepting me for who I am now, and not demanding I be someone who is gone. I was getting closer to being in love with him when I thought he was beginning to understand me, or at least trying to.

Now I'm just inclined to again protect myself from getting hurt any more. I'm afraid to give *anyone* my heart ever again, because inevitably it gets broken...and so far +Kyle has the longest track record of doing so. One of these times it's going to shatter irreparably, and I'm pretty sure that will kill me. If not my physical body, then what is left of my spirit.

Sigh. My choices are as follows: Voice my consternation, but suck it up and do what he's said (which is what I've done), or continue to fight over this, even though it's a losing battle. Either way I don't see anything but more resentment coming as a result. Maybe I'll get over this, but it's going to be awhile.

A lighter, entirely unrelated post to follow...and then I think that killing some demons sounds like a good idea...DII time.

Perhaps not

Jun. 9th, 2004 11:21 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
Or maybe I'm just "hearing what I want to hear". Typical. So much for communicating better.

Apparantly he's just going to learn to put up with talking to me about my goth stuff...not actually agree with my offer of compromise in letting me do it on occasion.

And I am absolutely forbidden from speaking to a friend...forever. No questions asked. No goodbyes.

I'm going back to bed.
lsdiamond: (Default)
DDRed for the first time in forever tonight. I've been so sore from work that I haven't felt like playing. Bleh. My muscles are getting used to being used all night, though, so tonight I was up to the challenge.

ENDLESS MODE COMBO: 325!!!

Muahahaha...

Yeah, I'm still on light mode. I need to finish the rest of the yellow songs with at least an A before I move on... My stamina is way up, though. I remember having a hard time getting up a single flight of stairs. It's been a long time since I noticed it, but the last time we were at the mall, the escalator was broken, and running up didn't wind me at all. I still can't run the .75 mile around our block, but it'll come.

The definition in my forearms is getting really noticeable, and my shoulders are starting to get some as well. My legs have looked great for awhile now, what with biking to work every day in Madill. I'm gonna have to do something with my abs and back to get that complete balance back, though. Pilates, maybe.

I need a punching bag or a sparring partner or something. I really enjoy punching my brothers in the upper arm when we're play-fighting, but they all whine now because I hit a lot harder than I used to. Wussies! Can't even take a girl hitting them in the arm. LOL!

What else to do tonight? It's almost 2:00, and +Kyle is going to be going to bed soon. I'm probably going to play some DII unless anyone is around and wants to chat. ^_^

Other perhaps largely more important progress was made today, but also a major step backward. )

+Kyle and I talked about my job today. He's ashamed of it, and by extension, perhaps, me. He absolutely hates the fact that I work at "fucking Wal-Mart". He hates the fact that it's manual labour. His reasoning is that I'm better than that...more intelligent, more talented, and more skilled. I could be doing something "more worthwhile", and making more money doing it. He hates the shift hours, although he said he'd rather me work any other job with the same hours. He hates the company itself. He would shop at other stores if we were better off financially.

I explained, or tried to, exactly what it is that I am enjoying so much about this job. It's so easy. Physically, sure, it's hard work, but it's mindless. I don't have to think.


Anyone with a fourth grade reading level could do this job. Heck, anyone who can match labels can do this job. You don't have to be particularly skilled to work at The Dreaded Mart of Wal, although I don't think you could pass the CBLs if you can't read.


But back to the point... I like not having to think about work. I like not having to consider things like elements of design, or which font to use, or having to draw and re-draw something to get it just right, or editing graphics, or working photos for a bloody paycheck. My creative batteries have been spent for far too long, and they need a recharge. I've had moments of inspiration, and neither the time nor the energy nor even the will to do anything with my ideas. This has gone on for years. My list of creative projects is too long, and now I have a chance to pare it down and actually DO some of it.

First on the list is to complete this costume before Halloween. All that entails is building and covering the wing frame, and getting some fangs and coloured contacts. I think it'd be great fun to dress up and go out again this year...dunno what'll be playing, but I bet some of the clubs in town will have costume parties. It's not exactly a medieval theme, but I'd love to wear it to the RenFaire this October. There are plenty of fantasy-themed costume-wearers there. Not only that, but there are conventions coming up, and with any luck we'll be able to go to some of them. There's always a costume contest.

So yeah...it's not much to complete for one project, but I haven't had the inspiration to finish it until now. Now all I need is the resources. Guess what you need to have for those kinds of resources? A JOB!

Yeah, there are no doubt better places to work. There's always something better out there, somewhere, no matter the subject. But the pay is decent, the benefits are great starting out, and only get better as you go, and the company is founded on solid (Christian!) principles. No, Sam Walton didn't beat his employees over the head with a 10 lb. King James, but the basic principle of the company is to respect others, and lead by being a servant. It's no wonder the chain has been so very prosperous...you don't get much more Christlike than by having that kind of attitude. Yeah, they've run a lot of small businesses out of town. They've bought a lot more businesses out. Sure, there's a lot of inter-company propoganda, look how great a company we are, and aren't you glad you work for us, but the proof is in the pudding, as they say.

For now, I'm not only grateful to have a job at all...I'm incredibly thankful for everything about it. I love the work. I love the hours. I love the people with whom I work. I explained all of this to +Kyle, and I think he got what I was saying, for the most part, but he doesn't really care. It's one more thing that's not good enough for him.

But for now, I'm going to play a little more DII and get to bed around 8:00. We're supposed to go over to mom and dad's this afternoon to play Mechwarrior clix with the boys, have dinner and go to church...dunno in what order, though.

Annoyed

Jun. 8th, 2004 10:32 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
Okay...so +Kyle went to talk to my dad yesterday. He won't tell me what he
went to talk to him about, but I'm sure I can guess...what else would he
talk about other than everything he's been going on about with me? He's not
satisfied with my giving up a friend for the sake of trying to make our
marriage work out. He wants total separation...for me to never even say
"hi, howya doin'?" again. I find that unreasonable. When those former
feelings are gone...when emotional separation has taken place...I don't see
the problem with a "hi, how are you?" once or twice a month, if that. I
don't have to talk to him all the time anymore, but I don't see the problem
in a once-in-a-while thing, either. +Kyle says it's because Scooter has
never been a friend to either of us, and he wishes I could see that. You
know, even if that is true...I *am* a friend...or I try to be, at any rate.

+Kyle hates me being goth right now, especially the overall look (it
'repulses' him). He's convinced that it's evil and that it revolves around
a constant "woe is me" attitude. Nevermind that I am generally in a better
mood when I go all out with it. It's fun, and it fits me. It doesn't
matter that it's something I enjoy. It doesn't matter that it's something
I'm willing to NOT do around +Kyle *because* he doesn't like it. That's not
enough. I can't do it at all because it "reflects on him". This from the
very person who told me to stop worrying about what people think of me,
because he never worries about what people think of him.

Then there's the sex issue. I'm sure he brought that up, since it's such a
huge sticking point. He thinks that multiple times a day or more is perfectly
reasonable. I think 2-4 times a week is plenty. Oh sure, about once a
month, I get to where once a day sounds pretty good, but no...I should want
it all the time too, or at the very least, put out whenever he wants it,
because that's surely what the Bible means.

I'm sure he went on about how he's made all these changes and how I'm
punishing him by making him wait for me to love him like I should. How we
shouldn't even be in this situation, and shouldn't I be getting there
faster?

I'm reasonably certain he's still going through my email. I opened Outlook
Express this morning, and it was open to a full-screen instead of windowed.
I never use the full-screen option with my email client, and there are a lot
of times I keep Internet Explorer and/or other windows windowed.

Don't know if it would have come up or not, but he hates my job. Oh, he's
thankful for it, but he hates the hours, hates that we never see each other,
etc. So what does he do when we do have spare moments? He bitches about
how we never see each other. Why not, instead, do something productive like
ENJOY what little time we do have? I told him this last night when he
wouldn't shut up, knowing full well that I needed to leave in order to get
there on time. I just barely made it before 10:00, and that was only
because Assistant Manager John was within shouting distance of the time
clock. Normally, one has to wait about 5 minutes on a page.

I have to wonder if he told my dad anything about the fight we had last
week...the one where he threatened both our lives, and did in fact cause me
physical harm even after swearing not to ever again. I think I hurt him too
a couple of times, but since it was to get a loaded weapon away from him,
and not just for the sake of being cruel, I think it's justified.

Did he bring up *anything* I've told him about my feelings on these various
matters? Did he talk about how, so often when there's something he wants
from me, he sulks, pouts and argues until I give in? Did he complain about
how he has two degrees and works at "a fucking grocery store"?
lsdiamond: (Default)
We rented Kill Bill Vol. 1 last night. It's most excellent, although you have to throw suspension of disbelief completely out the window if you're any kind of a fanboy. It's cheesy as all, but Tarantino is a genius. That is all.

We had some nasty weather after watching the movie. Rain started coming down rather heavily, so we looked out the front door to see what was going on. The sky was that unmistakable colour; you could tell even at midnight. The power went out, so we found some candles, and I turned on the radio. Thankfully, I hadn't taken out the batteries out of the stereo from the trip.

A couple of minutes later, the tornado sirens came on, and I said I was going downstairs. They announced the warning on the radio, but it would be over in just a few minutes. The laundry room is definitely the innermost point in the house, so we went in there. The storm was moving about 60 MPH, so it didn't last long, and nothing touched down in Athens.

We stayed downstairs anyway for probably about a half hour or so. We played games by candlelight. First I beat +Kyle, then he beat me at Mancala. We played checkers, and he beat me badly first because I did the same thing not once...not even twice...but three times. I'm not even sure what I did, but it resulted in double jumps every time. LOL The second game went better for me, though...I trashed him rather handily.

More later, but I'm going to the shop to help dad print shirts and such.

Updates

May. 30th, 2004 12:58 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
This has been a strange, strange week.

Actually, things have been nothing but strange, hectic, and difficult since we got back. +Kyle and I have fought more than ever for weeks. I flipflop on how I feel, and what I think I'm capable of right now. He flipflops on whether or not to kick me out or hold onto me for dear life.

He's threatened to kill himself over me leaving twice this week...this after telling me to get out if I don't want him for him *now*. The last time (I guess it was Thursday) resulted in me getting pretty bruised and slightly cut up from wrestling his 1911 away from him, then his knife, then trying to wear him out hiding the gun in pieces so he couldn't use it. I actually remembered to take the bullet out of the chamber this time, but I couldn't get the safety off to actually do it. This is the pistol he built, and the safety is really tight. I let him believe I threw the gun under the stairs to buy some time, but since it wouldn't budge, I had to hide it. So we played, "Where's the gun? What did you do with it?" for about an hour. This is a fun game where I say nothing and he makes various threats to my bodily health and happiness to try to get me to talk. It's not fun getting tapped in the face with a flashlight, waiting for the blow that's going to cave in part of it.

So after about two hours, and another session of insane laughter at nothing funny, he got to the point of realizing just what he was doing, and stopped. He swears this was the last time. Never again. It sure as hell is the last time. I can't do this anymore. Love puts up with a lot, but it's not stupid, either.

I should note here that he had unplugged the phone and thrown it somewhere so I couldn't call the police, and I wasn't about to leave him alone in the house long enough to find a neighbor who would get up at that hour.

Lots of talking afterward. I don't remember what about, but we calmed down for the time being.

So Friday, we went out, despite having had quite the argument. Much the same topic. I'm not in love with him *now*, so I should just leave. We *had* to go out, because +Kyle needed to pick up his check, and we needed groceries, but also we had been planning to go to the mall all week, just to get out of the house. Now, the last time we'd talked about it, he'd mentioned just going alone. I thought that was a good idea. But we get to Friday, and when I don't want to go, still thinking it a good idea for him to try things without me, he sulks, provoking the argument.

So I ended up going anyway. We went to the mall, obtained Sakkio and then bummed around separately. Ran into each other a couple of times. Decided to leave, and in the car, he asked what kind of a break I wanted. I said I'd been thinking it might be a good idea for me to move out for a couple of months. No, that's not acceptable. If I leave for any amount of time, he'll find me with divorce papers.

So I left that alone, and we drove along to see if Formosa was still around. Someone allegedly found a cat's tooth in their chicken one time around November of last year. I smell conspiracy, because they were planning on a remodel, and had closed for it around that time. It's now something like Fortune Chinese Buffet, and I hope it's run by the same people, because their food was the absolute best. Maybe it really was cat, but if so, I'd live on it. :P Animals taste good.

So we went to Toys R Us afterward just to look around, and avoid going back to the house right away. More separate browsing. I was looking at CDs and games, and +Kyle came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but, can I take you out for coffee?" I didn't get what he was doing, but accepted and linked arms with him. He asked if I was that close with everyone, or if he was just that good. I started to understand, and said I was just that affectionate, and he was kinda cute.

So he started talking about his wife and how he was feeling neglected and they were having a lot of problems, etc. We went down to Barnes and Noble since there's a Starbucks, got frappuccinos and sat down and talked about our respective situations. It was interesting talking about him like he wasn't there, and hearing his take on things I have done. We speculated about each other's spouses and the reasons they might do the things they do. Maybe he didn't understand that his reactions to her "health craze" was actually destructive. Maybe she doesn't want to tell him about things that bother her, because it'll mean she's nagging, etc. "I know that's something I tend to do," type speculation.

It was an interesting approach, but I still didn't understand exactly his reasoning behind it. He kept saying things like, "Maybe I just need to let her go...give her the space she's looking for." I'm sitting here going, "He finally gets it!" He said that he didn't know how things were going to work out with his wife, but that he liked me and would like to spend some time with me, maybe going out on the weekends or something.

To me, that sounds like someone who has resigned themself to the fact that they can't be with the person they love for whatever reason. Perhaps I only think this way because it's what I've had to do.

But no...when we got back to the house, and I 'crashed at his place', he decided he wanted to talk about the evening. I really didn't think it a good idea, but agreed to against my better judgment.

It turned out that he was trying to start over with no baggage. Good idea, perhaps, but he was still trying to force something that isn't there, which only frustrated matters more. THEN he turned around and asked, "Will you marry me?" Did he really expect me to say yes?

I tried, I really did, to be calm and explain why this wasn't a helpful situation, but it just deteriorated. He started praying for me to be healed from our fight, and for our marriage to be restored. I didn't even say an amen. I was too beyond frustrated and exhausted to know if I really agreed, and am I going to lie about it? Not even.

So yesterday we muddled along after yet another fight before he went to work. He said, "If you don't want me for me...don't be here when I get back." So I tried to find somewhere to go with no luck. Called Mary. No answer. Called Pam. No answer. Got on LJ to see if anyone was even on that I could talk to. Des replied, but she was going out to help Jason, and she's been sick anyway, so I wouldn't want to burden her with this right now.

So I debated what to do at all, and, still being mentally exhausted, I took a nap on the couch. Most of my stuff is packed, and he didn't say I should take everything...just to not be there. The problem being that I had nowhere to go, I left messages and waited for some reply. Pam called around 6:00, and we talked for a long time about what's been going on. I came to some disturbing conclusions, the largest of which is that, even though I didn't sleep with anyone else, I'm still an adulteress in this. Emotional lust is still lust. Wanting what's not rightfully yours in the stead of what is yours. We talked about other things, like what's helped her in her marriage, their struggles with mental problems. Granted, she's never had to deal with physical abuse, but their problems have been dreadful.

She did tell me something that I think I finally get. I asked her, "How much is 'a lot'?" She said she thought I knew, but honestly, I didn't. She said that there comes a point where you have to ask if you've truly done everything you can for this person, and when you get to that point, you have to remember that the choices they make are THEIR choices. She said I am not responsible for the things +Kyle does. She said it was a hard lesson for her to learn that she was not responsible for the times when Gg made self-damaging choices, but eventually she learned it.

I'm at that point.

I told her about the things that +Kyle has changed so drastically to try to make this work. Yes, it was all based on hope and perhaps some faith, but he did get a job. He hates it, but he's said he'll stick with it as long as it takes. He found us a place to live. She expressed consternation on the timing of it, my stress level, and the fact that we have NO money.


I had seriously thought about staying in Oklahoma for a couple more weeks, just to keep drawing a paycheck and get things going that much more easily. She said that could have been a good idea. The problem was that +Kyle has always said if I stayed behind, or leave him, it's for good. So far I haven't been able to, in good conscience, do that. And the few times I've taken him at his word, it's resulted in him begging me to stay in some way or another.


I have, up to this point, been operating under the belief that it's possible that I could learn to love +Kyle again. I've come to realize that's impossible until my feelings for Scooter fade to a sufficiently "friendly" level. I don't know how long that's going to take, or honestly, if it will happen at all. Until that happens, all I have to hang onto is my desire to do what's right in spite of what I want. I've tried to explain this to +Kyle on numerous occasions, but only last night did he *get* it. Now all of a sudden, he's willing to wait. I guess he sees a ray of hope in this. I'm not there yet. I'm still hurting from this.

+Kyle has gone over time and time again how he's hurting too. I know he's hurting. It's kindof my fault that he's hurting. He reminds me constantly how we shouldn't even be here - I'm punishing him by making him wait for me to love him like I should, being that he's my husband and all. I've explained time and time again that it's not intentional. It never has been. Well...I can't say that...but it didn't start that way. I was starving for something, didn't know how to get it , and when it came along by accident, I held on with both hands, even when the voice in the back of my mind said, "You really don't need to be here." By then, I didn't care anymore because I was happy, and +Kyle didn't seem to mind since I was finally less melancholy.

Until of course it got to the point where I gave my heart, which I had so carefully locked away from +Kyle to keep from getting hurt anymore, to someone to whom I had no right. Then I got more depressed than before.

Still operating under this belief that it may be possible to be happy with +Kyle again, I've had to stop talking to Scooter at all, even as a friend. At least for awhile. It's so draining on me. I know we can't be anything more than friends, and I can't keep expending energy on something for which hope must be postponed indefinitely. Even if +Kyle and I do wind up separating, I'll have no choice but to be alone, because the woman at the well was forgiven...but told to go and sin no more. If I want to do the right thing, I have to play by the rules...even though it hurts like hell. I have explained this to them both as best I know how, but I don't think either one really understands.

Scooter has always said my happiness is the most important thing to him. If I can be happy with +Kyle, that's what he wants for me. If I can't be happy unless we're apart, that's what he wants for me. Yet, he will wait to the end of his days for a chance to be with me if possible. That is a great source of pain for me in this, too, because I let things go so far.

I can't help that we grew to love each other so deeply. I should have told him I feared where this was going much sooner than I did. And when I actually realized where it was going, I should have said goodbye before things got so involved. But I was foolish...arrogant...I thought I could control things better. I thought I could keep my feelings in check. We both did.

I miss him so, so much. I miss everyone.

There was a little girl in church this morning. She looked almost just like Twyla. About the same age...darker hair, but similar facial features, and a sweet temperment. I cried all during church, partially because of her and missing Twyla and everyone, and partially because the sermon and readings hit really close to home right now. It was about faith and what kinds you can have:

No faith (disciples in the storm)
Little faith (Peter falling after walking on the water)
Great faith (pagan woman begging Jesus for her daughter's healing)

The underlying idea was that faith, being the stuff of which our hopes are made, and the evidence of things we can't physically experience, is the reason behind the things we do as Christians, or rather, it should be.

I'm so sad today. I'm trying to open up to +Kyle, but it's hard because the main reason I'm sad is the main reason he's angry. It's not fair that he is in this situation, but it's still not fun for me, either.
lsdiamond: (Default)
It always comes back to this. What I want in life doesn't matter. Why doesn't it matter? Because what I want, inevitably I cannot have. God seems to delight in allowing things to come into my life and then showing me why they're not for me. (Well, it does say he loves chastisement, now doesn't it?) Right now, I want to run away from my problems, and ignore the fact that people always have problems, and they don't go away. I want to go back, to be with the one with whom I am still in love, despite everything. I want to be happy. But I want to do what's right despite my own desires, so I have stayed and acted in a loving way toward +Kyle, and

But none of that matters. Even if I didn't care about right and wrong, I can't go back now. Even if +Kyle kicks me out.

Why?

I need time. I found myself once, and that person seems better off alone right now. I want to go back to school. I want to learn Japanese, and finish my degree. I want to travel. I want to get out of debt. Can I do those things with a significant other, regardless of who that may be? Sure. In some ways, it would be easier. In others, more difficult. But will I still want to be alone after all of that? It could be years. What then? I can't get married again unless I go back to +Kyle, but since he wouldn't have me back, I couldn't marry anyone else unless +Kyle commits adultery. I don't know that I would want to remarry at all, but I have to consider every possibility.

Even if not for this, I don't have a job to go back to anymore. Terry pulled the Thrifty ad, our biggest client. There were several reasons, mainly the cost-effectiveness of inserts vs. the double-truck ad in the centre of the paper. But do you know what Niki told me he said? He said I was the best ever to do his ad. The best ever, and I am no longer there. I cried over that. I could cry over it now.

Oh, I have friends out there...many practically family. Someone would take me in until I was on my feet again. There are other jobs to be had. But the schooling I want isn't out there, anyway, and it would look terrible if I went back...even if I wasn't running back into someone else's arms (which I wouldn't be, wanting time *alone*), it would look bad.

So which do I want more? Happiness now? Or a hope of happiness later (that I frankly don't see, and don't know if I have faith for at the moment) if I do the right thing? Does it even matter? +Kyle doesn't want me to stay because it's the right thing to do. He wants me to stay because I want to stay. He wants me to want him again, and he wants it now. I've had "long enough" to love him again the way he wants and the way I should.

And if I don't want him *now*, he wants me out. Today. Before he gets off work. He's been telling me for days to pack up and go back to Oklahoma. "Go find a way to be with *him*," he says. Of course, he's just trying to give me what I want a hundred times over to make me sick of it...make me smoke the whole pack at once...he told me that last night.

I've asked for weeks, How do I turn it on? How do I make myself want something I haven't wanted in years? Now I ask, Why do I even bother? It's not good enough, because a desire to try to work it out because it's the right thing to do is "the wrong reason" according to +Kyle. It's not enough for him.

If I stay, we will both continue to be miserable. If I leave, no matter where I go, it's over for good because he wants a clean break. If I stay, he'll believe I feel something I don't feel, and it still won't be good enough for him. If I leave, he might try to kill himself again. If I stay, he'll keep bombarding me with "I'm in love with you", and then sulk when I can't return that to his satisfaction. If I leave, he'll be heartbroken because his universe revolves around me and he doesn't want to lose me. I have hoped that by staying, by making efforts to be happy again, by letting him be what he wants to be to me, that I would regain those feelings. He is not satisfied by that.

I had already said an indefinite goodbye to Scooter. That hasn't helped yet. Those feelings do not just disappear. We had remained friends with permission, and yeah, it's been hard, but just because you resign yourself to the fact that something isn't going to happen, it doesn't mean you don't miss it. It doesn't just go away. Even when you're not faced with that person anymore, it doesn't just go away.

Things were easier with +Kyle last night because he was operating as though we were just friends. We do well like that...palling around. He even agreed. Then we get back here, talk about the evening, and he tells me that no, he was not offering to let go and just be friends, that he was trying to start over with no baggage. THEN he comes off and asks me if I'll marry him right off the bat? I don't know! That just confuses me more!

What do I do? This just keeps coming up. It's not going away, and it's not going to. I'm tired of trying. He doesn't want me to try, anyway, because I don't share the feelings he does, and haven't for a very very long time. Knowing I have been in the wrong about much of this doesn't change the fact that I Can't Just Turn It Back On. Maybe some people can, but I'm not one of them. I know. I've tried.





Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble...
If I stay, it will be double...
So come on and let me know...
Should I cool it or should I blow?

Impatience

May. 22nd, 2004 11:56 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
So +Kyle came to me yesterday and said, "You're not happy with me, are you?"

I said I didn't know. I don't know. I should be. He's done everything he said he would, and things have turned out like he said they would. He got the job. He found us a place to live, with Ian's help. We got moved out here with relative ease. People are glad to have us back. He already says he hates his job, but he'll stick with it as long as he has to. It looks very good that I'll be getting work soon.

So what the hell is wrong with me? All these positive aspects, and I am still depressed over leaving. Of course, it's mostly only one person I miss enough to BE so depressed, but I have many twinges of sadness for the others, as well. It feels like part of me is missing. I guess it is, really, but for whatever reason I can't or won't let +Kyle fill it. But which is it - can't or won't? Probably the latter, just because I seem to be that awful of a person. Grieving for the loss of one over the gain of many. I wouldn't make a very good world leader.

But the point is, what is wrong with me? Why aren't I happy with what I have? Why can't I even be merely content with it? Don't I believe that what we have can be better, if we're patient and work with it? Moping around isn't helping things, but I don't know how to speed up the process and move on.

He told me to just take the truck and go because he's about had all he will take. I can't do that. What good would it do? He says I'd be happy, and he wouldn't have to put up with all this crap from me anymore. But he doesn't understand that I wouldn't be truly happy. Sure, the situation would likely be more enjoyable, and certainly easier, but with the decision overall, taking the easy way out, no...that wouldn't make me happy, either. So how do I become happy with +Kyle instantaneously, so he doesn't have to suffer? I don't know how to do that. Is it possible to control one's emotions, or only their reactions to the emotions they feel? I have great difficulty "making" myself act happy when I'm depressed. It's not heartfelt, so it's obviously fake.

He doesn't want to wait any longer on me to fall in love with him again - it's been over a month, and that should be long enough, to him...but I don't know how to do it at the drop of a hat. So what happens next? I am here. With him. That's a start. We couldn't start over very well if I were somewhere else. I'd hoped he would appreciate that, but perhaps that was silly of me to consider.

+Kyle's been telling me all sort of things he needs from me for weeks, but this has been one of those things I had to figure out on my own. Sometimes you can be told something over and over, and not get it until you've mulled it over for yourself.

I have to be a wife who loves her husband (and acts like it)...for real. The question is can I do it quickly enough to suit +Kyle before he finally kicks me out? We made some progress tonight, talking about several important aspects, and things seem better for now. I'm just afraid that if I screw up any little thing now, that will have been my very final chance. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me," after all...

We have been going back and forth with this for awhile now. One of us wants to fix things, and the other pulls away. Then it reverses. Back and forth. If we could just both want to fix things together, I'm sure things will work out. It seems like that's where we are right now.

I have to give this marriage everything I have, which is not a whole lot right now...I just hope it's enough.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Today has been busy.

Well...things are going to be very busy for quite some time.

We got a rather late start - didn't get up until about 8:30. Still staying at mom and dad's at night, as we have no sleeping arrangements at the house yet. Besides, they feed us. LOL

Played DDR with Noel for a bit. We left around 10:45 to return the U-Haul. Got it there in plenty of time...we came around full circle - took the van back to the same company we rented from when we moved out to Oklahoma two years ago. They're the only place in town who takes them anymore.

Went to the house and cleaned up a bit. Around 1:00, +Kyle went out to Decatur to talk to Mr. Graham about the job at Lucky's. I stayed at the house, called to cancel all of our utilities and things in Oklahoma, and got some of the living room arranged. Mostly, it consisted of moving boxes out of the living room and into the second bedroom. I got the entertainment center set up, and was just getting the couch cleared off to move it when +Kyle came back around 2:30 or so. Good news - he does have the job, and starts tomorrow - 3:00 to 9:00 p.m. He will likely be working Sunday evenings, which means time and a half. Don't think there are any benefits involved, but this is a start.

Mom called and came out shortly afterward to clean while we unpacked boxes. I'm SO grateful she's helping with this...we have been going pretty much non-stop for over four days, and the house is enough of a disaster area that the thought of doing actual cleaning, much less unpacking stuff, is overly daunting. The house isn't UNCLEAN, per se, but it's rather dusty in places, and has that old house smell. We need plants badly, and probaby potpourri or candles until it gets that normal lived-in smell again.


Sidestep...
We're watching some TechTV show...Nerd Nation, I think... It's about Star Wars fans, and I cannot believe what kind of tragic lives these people lead. They don't call them fanatics for nothing...


Before Mom actually got there, I went out to get the utilities here put into our name. +Kyle hates dealing with the people at Athens Futilities...they're not *that* bad. That took some doing, but it's done. I just remembered I was supposed to get a smoke detector today, though... :P Have to do it tomorrow.

Went around to about 5 places and picked up applications, and by then it was nearly 5:00, so I thought it was time to get back to the house and help out. Let's see...within biking distance there are many places I would be willing to work, many more I don't really care to work, and several that appear to be 'family' businesses that wouldn't accept outside help. I'll put in apps in that order until I find something. Geekgrrl said there's a position open at the hospital...it's secretarial, but I bet they have health insurance. :P

We cleaned and unpacked until about 6:30. The living room is looking almost liveable, but we have to figure out what to do with the computer desks. I think a setup like what we had in Madill will be best, but one of us will have to face away from the TV. That's fine with me...I don't really watch it when I'm using the computer. If I'm going to watch something, I'll sit down and watch it, or work on a project on the couch while doing so.

Got showered and came back to the 'rents' house for dinner, stopping by Piggly Wiggly first to say hi to +Kyle's old co-workers. Only Kristie was on, and he "scared the crap" out of her while she was in the office, sneaking up behind her silently. She was bent over, reading some article, and he came up behind her and said, "That's cute." She jumped, and we were most amused. We got keys made for the house, too, as I needed copies.

Had hamburgers at mom and dad's, played more DDR with Noel - we killed ourselves - did laundry, and have been catching up with emails and blogging for much of the evening.

Now we need to gather edibles...it is quite late, but hey, at least The Dreaded Mart of Wal in Athens is actually open 24 hours a day...

So in the morning, I need to fill out applications and take them around, then pick up more within a reasonable biking distance from the house. I need to find a job quite soon. Don't really want one, but we have got to get caught up financially, and there are so many movies we want to see this summer. ^_^'>

Tired. Need to shop. But mostly need sleep.

For your entertainment...something that Ian said he sent me, but I apparantly never received:
Hello C'thulu

And something else he posted in his blog...it made me giggle until I hurt...
Why you should never post your picture on the internet

Moving

May. 16th, 2004 07:42 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Well...we're here, in more or less one piece. The trip was a disaster. Over 18 hours of driving - should have been no more than 14 hours.

Friday, we got finished packing the van around 7:00 pm, then went to to meet Scooter at the Western Inn for one last conversation over coffee. We pretty much just talked about Neverwinter Nights, getting our systems up on Linux, and good old geeky stuff. +Kyle and I had dinner of omelettes. Their Denver omelette is pretty darn good. Two hours and 6 or 7 cups of coffee later (and that was just me), it was time to say goodbye. It was quick...but it couldn't have been any other way. We stood and held each other for probably too long, although I don't think either of us really wanted to let go. He shook +Kyle's hand, then pulled him into a hug, and went to his car, saying he'd see us around.

I didn't even make it to the truck before breaking down. +Kyle put his arm around me as we walked and finally said, "If you want to stay, this is your last chance."

"The van is packed."

"That doesn't matter."

I think I just shook my head...I don't even remember if I said anything. I just got in the truck and we drove out, and took the highway up toward I-40. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard.


In doing this, I realize...or at least think I do...that leaving must be the right thing to do...because it was so damn hard. It's almost never truly easy to do the right thing. Not really. Even for so-called "good people". If it's easy...if it doesn't hurt...require some sacrifice...is it really right? I've been called a martyr for saying things like this, but isn't it true, really? Staying would have been selfish...a hell of a lot easier than leaving, especially after the fight we'd had earlier that day...but selfish nonetheless. Is thinking like this being lost in self-pity? I don't think so...it's just one of those things that keeps popping up.

I know that, had I stayed, a life would have been available. They'd have welcomed me back at the Record. I'd have had friends. I'd have gone to school - maybe not for the language, but MSC had some courses I'd have been interested in, and Ms. Coulter seemed like such a wonderful teacher. I'd have kept going to New Beginnings, and gotten involved with the people of that church. Most importantly to me, I'd have had a family - maybe not by blood, but certainly by agape.

So I just prayed. I took something Don said a few weeks ago, and prayed to be like Jabez. My name may not be a cursed name, and there are millions of people with harder lives than mine, but I asked blessing. I asked that this decision to leave behind that which I want, for sake of ease and all the rest, this decision to stay with +Kyle, knowing that the healing needed is going to take time and hard work and many many unpleasant days...to be blessed. I'm not doing it FOR blessings. I made the decision to stick by him because it seems the right thing to do. But I asked them anyway, because I am so tired of being sad...of hurting... I don't think it's wrong of me to ask this, because Jabez did, and God blessed him just for asking.

I also asked Him not to make me wait too long for real happiness.


Somewhere around Vian, OK, (midnightish?) we stopped for a break at a Phillips 66. I went inside, got cleaned up from crying so much, and then went for coffee. Some cop had just finished at the counter, and he and the guy were talking. I got something like a 16 oz. cup, and went up to pay for it. The guy at the counter was probably around 45, maybe 6 ft. tall, greying, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt with a Harley logo. "Traveling?"

"Yep...long, long drive..."

He just looked at me for a second, then said, "Are you a biker? Leather...all the black...chain wallet..." He smiled.

"No...this is just me..." I smiled a little.

I pulled out the wallet, and tried to pay, but he said, "Just take the coffee. You look like you need it."

I smiled a little more, thanked him, and left. That little exchange really blessed me. More than just the coffee, it was an element of caring that you don't see very often. I wish I'd gotten his name - I would have liked to send a note. I can't find a Phillips 66 actually IN Vian...the closest one listed in the yellow pages is about 8 miles away. I pray many many blessings in return for him.

We had planned on getting to Little Rock before stopping, but I wore out way too early. We only made it to Clarksville, which is about 100 miles west of Little Rock. We found a Super 8, and stopped for the night. The shower was nice.

We passed a place called Toad Suck, Arkansas shortly thereafter. We've passed it several times, of course, but I've never remembered to mention it until now. We crossed a bridge at one point, and there was a sign for Lotahwatah Road. There are way too many bridges on this drive.

I made about 12 mix tapes for the trip - only listened to about half of them, because I torture myself with depressing music when I'm already depressed. Maybe I'll post the playlist. Maybe not.

We left out around 11:00 the next day. Things went pretty smoothly until Mayflower, Arkansas...or actually about 7 miles out from it. It was about noon by then. Traffic stood at a complete halt up until just past the exit for Mayflower. We were in line for an hour.

Now, about a mile out from the exit, we saw a nasty wreck in the westbound lane. There was a trooper in the eastbound lane, but he wasn't the problem. Underneath the overpass at Mayflower, there was another cop keeping things slowed down for no apparant reason. Immediately past that, traffic picked up again.

Anyway, we got off at Mayflower because I needed petrol badly, and were there for probably half an hour because they were having trouble with EVERYTHING...the debit machine...the pumps...everything. The lady said it was her first day working alone, and everything that had could go wrong had - they had even run out of gasoline once already that day. (I'm not surprised, with all the people WAITING for AN HOUR...)

I called Nancy and the 'rents to tell them where we were and how far behind things were. Nancy sounded glad to hear from us.

So we drove and drove, and got to Memphis around 4:30 or 5:00. I hate that bridge. I hate it in the dark. I hate it even worse in the daytime.

Memphis was the seventh circle of hell. There is NO exit marked for Highway 72. We miss that exit every time we get off I-40. Every time. Even when we have directions. This time we got really lost, except for that we remembered that the road name was a tree...Pecan or Poplar...we were sure it started with a 'P'. Eventually we stopped and got directions, then happened upon Poplar. Problem was we turned West instead of East. So we got turned around, and of course by now, Rush Hour was REALLY going, so it was about 6:30 before we even got OUT of Memphis. I have to keep telling myself to stop looking at little maroon cars.

Somewhere in Memphis, while stopped at one of the million or so stoplights, I saw a store called Dan West Christmas Supplies. Their little slogan was, "When it comes to Christmas...go West..." I don't know why, but it was of interest at the time.

That was the most harrowing part, and I really got to the point of not being able to control myself. Could not stop crying. +Kyle kept getting on the radio and asking where we should be turning, etc., and of course I have no idea, so that just made me crazier. I was pretty rude, screaming at him and such... I plead temporary insanity. I told him I wasn't ready to make this move. I told him I couldn't handle it, that my nerves were already shot to hell and that I really needed to wait a few more weeks to settle down.

But anyway... In Germantown, we pulled over, and +Kyle basically told me that I just had to pull myself together and keep going. Maybe I needed it, but at the time I definitely didn't want to hear it. He went off and called the 'rents and his mom to tell them what was going on, we got some drinks and went on.

Somewhere in Mississippi we stopped again at a little gas station to fill up. Some kid who looked about 12 came out of the store holding a root beer, then got into a green VW beetle (his shirt matched), backed out, and drove back behind the station, to some housing in the back. The guy who runs the store came out, saw me gawking, and said, "Don't be surprised when you see things like that around here." I guess the kid really was about 12. He looked like a sandy blonde Daniel Radcliffe...Harry Potter glasses and everything.

The clerk said we had another 3-1/2 to 4 hours drive to the Huntsville area. I called the Scotts again - Jim answered this time - to let them know we would be getting in FAR later than anticipated and didn't want to bother them when we got in, instead. He sounded glad to hear from me, too, and wished us well.

The rest of the drive was pretty uneventful...just long...

We got to Athens right around 10:30. Found the house with little difficulty. It's a nice place. Hardwood floors. Basement. Probably about 1200 sq. ft. It's a steal, really, at $350 a month.

I've got to find a job. I was really hoping to be able to take a break, but even if +Kyle gets this job tomorrow, it's not going to pay the bills, much less get us caught up. He's talking about getting a second job, too, but we need fun money, too, or we're going to go insane. There are way many movies this summer that will not be worthy unless seen on the big screen. We would like to bowl more regularly, go skating, etc., take Ian, the boys, and probably Logan out some. Need to get out with Gamegod and Geekgrrl...etc.

Oh well... It's late, and that's pretty much the whole trip, so...for now, goodnight.

Hopeless

May. 14th, 2004 02:13 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
I don't know what to do.

+Kyle says he's not willing to wait any longer for me to "fall in love" with him. He's at his wit's end and says he has given me long enough to be happy with him - 4 weeks. He says I should just stay here.

Says he's going to be miserable if we keep going the way we are, and says I shouldn't be miserable just trying to make him happy...

I'm going anyway, but I don't know if it's really the right thing to do now. But I don't know if staying is really what I want, either. I've been willing to try, but if he's not willing to let me, what can I do?

Time to shut down the machines and finish packing the house.

Sigh. What should I do?

Dark

May. 14th, 2004 03:05 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
I realize it's probably a good thing that Scooter is not online tonight... I can't be emotionally dependent on someone who isn't around. It would be comforting, but also painful.

+Kyle is driving me absolutely bonkers, though. He keeps asking me what's wrong. It hasn't changed - I don't want to move, but I am going to anyway. I told him I'd work through this with him, that I'd be with him no matter what. He's moving, so that means I have to as well. He says I'm not trying to make this work. How can I tell him about my inner battle? I may have had to force down emotional attachment from Scooter, but I *do* still love him. Just because he's not going to be around doesn't mean he'll be gone from my mind or my heart right away.

I wish that the idea of seeing everyone again was comforting or even happy, but it's not. All I can see right now is that I am leaving a lot of people I love dearly behind...especially one.

+Kyle wrote this immense letter today outlining that he wants to be everything for me...so much so that I never even think of another man. He wants me to smile about him like he does about me. Having little more than compassion for +Kyle right now, that's not a thought that seems feasible. It doesn't sound pleasant. It feels like going back to prison after being pardoned from a life sentence. Isn't that a horrible way for me to feel?

I want to do the right thing...apparantly that is to stay with +Kyle and work my ass off for the next however many years. But at the same time, I see my reasons to smile being left behind. Perhaps I will find old ones again in Alabama. Perhaps new, what with school coming up...although I think I'm going to have to put it off because +Kyle keeps reminding me how much debt we already have. -_- I really don't want to do that, because if I don't go back now, I may never go back.

For +Kyle's sake, I'm hopeful that these strong emotions will fade over time, but I'm also fearful that they will. No one *wants* to hurt, but I am afraid that one day I will find I don't miss him that much, and the pain inside me even now will cease. What happens in that case? What if he still misses me? Or what if he finds he doesn't miss me so much anymore, either? What if he finds someone else? I would be happy for him...but would I not also feel a sense of loss? He says he doesn't want anyone else...but life tends to throw things at us when we least expect it. I have to keep that possibility in mind. He is strong, but can he last that long? Will he grow weary? Will loneliness overtake him? Bitterness? I hope not. I have given him yet another hypocrite to despise, yet he does not see it, or at least, has not acknowledged it to me.

24

May. 13th, 2004 04:01 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
We're nearly down to the last 24 hours... I imagine we'll be leaving out of here around 5:00 or so Friday.

I wish I could get excited about this whole move thing. Yeah, it'll be nice to see everyone, but I haven't been ready for this, and I'm not any more ready than I was.

At least +Kyle is happy.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Work was long. I have so much to do and no time in which to do it. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I will probably end up working late just to do the *usual* tasks, and I still have the end-of-month jobs to do from April. The graduation and Sand Bass festival tabloids have been taking up ALL of my normally spare time for the past few weeks. Today was much the same.

After work, we went to the MSC graduation ceremony. +Kyle really doesn't know why he decided to walk, but I'm glad he did. We got there, and he got changed into his robe and hat, then wandered off to find the other graduates so they could get into formation and all. I wandered into the crowded field to find a seat, preferably with friends. I walked right past Micah and another girl. They were with some guy and his son, and I *think* Susan's son. Can't remember any of their names, but I've seen them around.

Micah yelled, and I turned, realizing who had been there the whole time, and so I sat with them. I had taken the folding recliner, since that's the only portable chair we had. Micah was incredulous at how cool it was, and I traded chairs with her, because it's really more of a gaming chair than a sit-down-at-an-event-and-try-not-to-fall-asleep chair.

Shavonn came up shortly thereafter, and sat with all of us, too. Mike and Lydia were almost directly behind us - just a few seats over to the left. Roger's girlfriend and I guess his parents (or maybe it was Jeff's parents) sat with them, too, so I saw a lot of people right off the bad. Alan came up from somewhere and said hi, but Rodney is out of money, and therefore out of gas, so he wasn't around. Bummer! Guess I won't be getting his autograph after all. :P That kid is going to be famous someday.

Anyway, Micah was talking on her cellphone, so I chatted with Mike and Alan for a few. Nancy was graduating, so we were proud of her for that. Lydia was working in the cafeteria, so I didn't actually see her right away. Scooter wandered up after awhile, but the ceremony was about to start so he sat with the rest of us.

The ceremony was pretty good. It was outdoors, and a simply gorgeous day, although it was probably murderously hot for the grads, in their polyester robes. :P Dr. Peterson (the president) is leaving MSC, for a more important job in...Ohio?...being a grandfather. He spoke for a minute, introduced much of the faculty, and then another fellow, Kermit McMurray, I think, got up to speak. He had some pretty good things to say, but he's not a public speaker by any stretch of the imagination. The whole concept was staying educated for your whole life, and learning to do the things that are right over what you want to do. Self-sacrifice, morality and what's wrong with the nation (i.e., poverty, illness, etc.), and what we can do to help these things. It was supposed to be motivational, but it was so long, and he so overly verbose (Frasier gots nothing on this guy!) that the meaning was lost.

After that, I think Dr. Peterson got back up and they started calling names of people to get their degrees. I got some pictures of Nancy, JoAnna, +Kyle, and VJ, of course, who was the only reason I wanted to go until I found out +Kyle had decided to walk as well. I'm really proud of her for finally getting her degree. She's been going to school off and on for something like the last 15 years. I'm proud of +Kyle, too. The past two years have been a real struggle, and it's good to see some of the fruits of his labors...mine, too, I guess.

Close to the end, Tamica was called, and more people cheered for her than for anyone else. Everyone loves her, and she has been at every event that I can recall being at. She's great, and I wish I'd gotten to know her more personally than just hi-howya-doin'?

Afterward, we all split up to find our respective friends to congratulate them. I went where +Kyle *had* been sitting, thinking I'd catch him before he got too far, but he had vanished, as had VJ, so I wandered around, finding Joanna and Roger first, and then I saw +Kyle, and made my way over there. We went around together and found several people to congratulate, especially VJ. We found Mike, and he said to meet him and Lydia at his apartment because they were going to [livejournal.com profile] bitchness' afterward. Wai! Awesome Heather! ^_^

+Kyle stopped to talk to Dr. Peterson for a minute, and we talked to Debbie Combs, who congratulated us on the move and told us to come back and visit. We found Susan Branch, who nearly cried, but said she wouldn't. We're especially going to miss her - she's done so very much for us since day one. If I were going to work at a college, I would want her kind of job, because she's involved with the students right from the start. She also told us we need to come back and visit.

A lot of people are telling us this. I hope it's not long before we come back to see everyone.

Anyway, I ran to get some more water in the library, and +Kyle went to the truck so we could get out. We hadn't been able to find Joanna all evening, but fortunately her parents' van was parked out quite near our truck, so we got to see her after all. ^_^

+Kyle found a rose somewhere - dropped or lost, no doubt, but he gave it to me. ^_^ I always thought I didn't care about things like that - insignificant in the great scheme of things...but when you're in that moment, and it's the sweetest thing imaginable... Yeah, I like those cheesy romantic-type things. It's strange having them come from +Kyle, because he's so...unemotional... It's hard to say how I feel about it.

So we went to Mike's apartment, and talked with him and Lydia for about 20 minutes while [livejournal.com profile] bitchness cleaned up her house some. Mike has a white rat named Sniff, rescued from the Vet Tech program this semester. They don't simply destroy the animals that are used in the program, but he didn't want to see her wind up as someone's dissection exercise, either. She is pretty cute - probably average rat size, not one of the big ugly nasty ones.

Anyway, after those few minutes, we followed them to [livejournal.com profile] bitchness' house. We just sat and chatted about not much of anything in particular for awhile. I guess Mike and Lydia stayed about an hour. +Kyle and I weren't exactly sure what to do, being that we were guests of guests, but we like [livejournal.com profile] bitchness, too, so we stayed another hour or so. We talked about politics, movies, music, and that kind of thing. She's getting ready to move in a few weeks, too - Seattle.

Don't remember when we left or got back to the house, but it was late, and we were up later, because we slept WAY in Saturday...

More on Saturday...later!

Torn

May. 4th, 2004 05:45 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
May 15th...

+Kyle wants to be leaving Oklahoma next weekend.

Words escape me...I never wanted to love this place...but now I don't want to leave.

...the mere thought of leaving has been tearing me apart inside for a long time.

...the realization that it is about to happen hasn't fully hit yet. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when it does.

+Kyle is driving me insane. He wants to be all comforting, but it's not working. I let him try, but I'm still numb to him a lot of the time. Maybe this time it's because he's the cause of the hurt. I know it's not intentional - he wants to do whatever's best for the both of us. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me want to let him try to help me...quite the opposite. When you get burned, you pull your hand out of the fire...not roll around in it.

What happened to waiting to move until I was a little more stable, mentally and emotionally? What happened to him working here until we had the money to move on our own? He says it's because he has a good job opportunity. Guy won't hire him over the phone. I am really uncomfortable with this whole "Well, it looks good, but he wants to talk to me in person" thing. I told +Kyle two weeks ago when I agreed to stay until he finished school that I wasn't leaving this state until he had a job lined up FOR CERTAIN, and a place to stay. Maybe it's a test of faith, but it's really hard to trust *anyone* right now, especially someone who has been so manipulative and so hurtful for so long. All I can see is one more case of him making a decision FOR us and it's hurting. I hope I can look back at some point and realize that it wasn't really like that, but from this side........

I want to cry, but I have been pretty much all day, so I'm tired...but I'm also jittery because I've been into the coffee at work all day. Not smart in my current condition, but...I don't care about much of anything right now.

So anyway, I told Mark & Sherry that +Kyle was ready to go, and they said the 12th should be my last day. I can't even give them a two week notice. They haven't been the greatest of bosses I've had, but they've been wonderful, and I feel like eleven kinds of awful for not being allowed this courtesy.

Called Nancy this afternoon. She said she should have everything finished in plenty of time. I said it was okay if she didn't, because everything fits right, and I don't mind paying to have it shipped if she can't get to it. But she's sure she will, so with any luck, this weekend we'll have it done. She was sorry we won't get to play in her garden together this summer. I am, too. She wished us well. I thanked her and Jim for being so great to us - so much like family.

Am trying to look forward to this weekend, but knowing it's the last time we're going to see so many dear friends (at least until we come back for a visit, and who knows when that will be?) is making that very hard.

Am also feeling bad that I am not looking forward to seeing everyone as much as it seems like I should. Yeah, I miss Ian and the rest of the family, Gamegod & Geekgrrl, Desireah, Logan, and all the rest...I don't really understand this right now.

Thank you, Niki, for the hug today. I love you, too.

...and yes...I'm aware that this is just another whinefest... Here, have some cheese, too...
lsdiamond: (Default)
So we talked with Don today. He didn't really tell us anything we didn't either know or hadn't already figured out over the past few weeks, but the session went well. He's very to-the-point.

The real thing was he prayed with and over us just before we left. We both repented of everything that separates us from God (and by proxy, each other). We asked and accepted forgiveness, and asked for cleansing of our hearts so that God can take over and heal.

So, yeah. Not that you can really trust your feelings, but...I feel good about this. If nothing else, it's a baby step.

Fridae

Apr. 23rd, 2004 10:53 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
Friday evening was much fun. +Kyle & I debated what to do for quite some time, and had just about decided to go pick up a DVD player. I had to run back to work to pick up this week's paper, and when I got back, we had company - Scooter was on his way to his parents' house for the weekend, and stopped to say hi and see if we wanted to go do anything. We stood on the porch for about an hour just mulling over ideas and seeing who could do the most pull-ups on the rafters. (+Kyle did three, over-handed, no less.)

It started to get dark, and we considered either bowling or skating. Ardmore or Durant. Potential for clubbing afterward about the same. Decent coffee vs. not so great coffee. We opted for the coin method of choosing, and heads was bowling, so it was off to Durant after a change of clothes. Fortunately, we had all already eaten.

Durant Bowling Center was still having their April special - $20 for 2 hours at a lane, and a free pitcher of whatever you want to drink. Not a bad deal.

The weather was dreadfully humid, and the air conditioning inside wasn't high enough to do much about it. Everything stuck to everything else. Next time I'm bringing some powder or something for my hands. Yuck.

The first two games, I don't think any of us broke 80. I don't think I even broke 50, actually. Just could not find that rhythm. It didn't help that the first lane they put us in was warped or something. The floor was sticky, too. All in all, it was pretty bad. They moved us two lanes over, and things improved, but still no one was scoring very well. +Kyle did better than either Scooter or me - combined, in some cases. LOL! Poor S. just could not find it for anything. I felt kinda bad for him, but he seemed to be having a good time, despite. There is also the fact that he was on his very last cigarette (of which we're VERY proud!)

About halfway through the third game, I found it. I can finally bowl left-handed, I can step off properly, my speed is WAY up (like double what it was) and I even made a couple of strikes. THAT was satisfying. ^_^ I think I had a 10 lb. ball, down from a 12, although thinking back, it could have been as light as an 8. I'm pretty sure it was a 10, though, because the 6 was WAY too light.

Speaking of a 6, one of the guys found a bright orange ball on a nearby lane, and they both started playing with it, throwing it in rather a shot-put fashion. +Kyle kept getting strikes with the stupid thing. Scooter lost his balance in doing so, and managed to fling himself into the lane instead. We all laughed, and he said that he really should have just gotten up and taken a bow after that one. LOL! I want to say he managed to knock one pin down, but I can't remember for certain.

I think we managed 4 and a half games. I was doing pretty well by the end of the evening, and even Scooter managed to win the final game, but +Kyle smacked us both around, scorewise. He was just on. I'm definitely hoping to be able to get over 100 next time we play. I think I can do it now that I've found where I need to be. I have a killer hook, so with practice, I should be able to cultivate it into something useful.

+Kyle doesn't need any help. He made three strikes in a row during one game, and at least two others separately in the same game. I'm pretty sure Scooter will do better next time, since he'll be detoxed.

Next time, we're going to go on a Sunday night when they have a $5 cover charge, and each game is a quarter. Should be a little cheaper that way, and we can stay longer than two hours if we so choose.

About 11:30, our two hours were up, so we went to the Waffle Shoppe for coffee and chit-chat. It was good that we did so, because as soon as we got there, the bottom fell out of the sky and drenched Durant. The power kept going out for a second or two, but the weird thing was how badly the weather affected the radio.

We talked about all kinds of oddities. +Kyle's whole "the land before time was only this big" big bang thing kept creeping up throughout the evening. I can't remember specific topics. We wander from one thing to another every time, and it's always just interesting.

Don't remember how late we stayed out, but it was great, as always.

Exhaustion

Apr. 21st, 2004 08:52 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
I am utterly spent.

Friday was not exacly relaxing, but mostly spent with friends, so it wasn't too bad.

Saturday was absolutely harrowing. I honestly don't remember most of it. I was so tired all day, and all +Kyle and I did was talk.

I've said in times past that my brain is fried, but it's never been like this. I have gotten to the point where my body literally cannot stay awake because my brain is so tired from talking and thinking. I'll start to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation just because I can't handle any more.

Sunday was much the same, but we made a lot of progress. I told +Kyle about the inappropriate touching when I was little. I really hadn't made the connection to all the problems of resentment toward +Kyle stemming from that. I know it's where my inability to forgive myself comes from. But when I told him, he said that a lot of other things made sense now. I guess they do make more sense to me, too, now, but I still feel like one of those people who tries to hang all their problems on a "traumatic childhood". I'd buried it a long time, and it would pop up now and then, but was never anything that I truly considered serious, short of my own lack of self-forgiveness.

The other individual involved in the situation is not important. I have never held it against them - only myself, for being afraid of "being told on", and for being afraid that the authority figure would not side with me, even though I *knew* the situation was inherently wrong.

I suddenly realize why I feared being in the wrong with that authority figure. I was placed in a daycare for a short time, and the "caretaker", such as she was, was not kind to me (or the other kids, I'd imagine). I got picked on a lot at that daycare. I recall being held down by bigger kids so they could take my gum. I wasn't generally included in games - even when they'd say I could play, I was ignored. I tried to get the caretaker's attention when I saw something was wrong, or felt I was being mistreated, but she always said I was a tattle-tale and not to bother her with that. She was just mean. Her bratty granddaughter bit me once, and I admittedly retaliated by tripping her, but I was the one placed in the corner, despite showing the caretaker the teeth marks that left a bruise. Her granddaughter was not found at fault at all.

I am grateful that I was not in that place for very long.

How can I forgive myself for allowing something wrong to happen? Have I not truly forgiven those who mistreated me and whose who did not defend me when I was in pain? How can I stop this pattern in my life?
lsdiamond: (Default)
One of these days, I will learn to listen to my own advice.

I knew from the start of this how things would have to turn out. No one could escape a situation like this unscathed. What I didn't realize was that I was the one doing most of the hurting on all sides. No one *told* me so, but I should have realized it, being that I was in the middle of everything.

Anyway... All is forgiven. All parties are healing. We all remain friends. Ground rules have been set, and I have peace and faith that we will all be stronger for it. Stronger people, *and* stronger friends.

Remember last Tuesday, how my one prayer was for that "move out" to be for the best for +Kyle & me? Frankly, I expected to have lost everything within three days - +Kyle for his anger, Phoenix for needing to be alone, my family for running away, and my friends for lack of understanding of what I felt I needed to do.

Instead, we all have been granted grace. My husband has come to realize all the harm he has done to me, and appears to be working to correct it. He's also forgiven me all the wrongs I've done to him. We have both come to love a good friend more deeply than mere emotions can dictate, and the three of us will be better for the things we have been through together. My family has respected my need for space, and, though I'm sure they're still displeased with the way I "handled" things, I truly believe that it was the only way, and that I was right in doing so the way I did. +Kyle said it was the wake-up call he needed, and has nothing bad to say about the results, although my leaving hurt him deeply.

You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, right?

Anyway... +Kyle has made phenomenal changes just since Sunday. Truthfully, I am having a hard time accepting that he means it. I'm so used to being manipulated that I see him changing tactics so he can keep control of me another way. Still, I *hope* he is for real. Time will tell if he really means it. Gamegod says he's grown up a lot in the past few days, so I have hope.

We're looking for some kind of counselor, but are not having a lot of success. Too many people who know either one of us already. We want a completely impartial person - someone we've never met, but who has a good reputation in the area.

Some things came together for me on Sunday, too. It's long, painful, and nothing I care to go into here. Suffice it to say, +Kyle understands why I have reacted to situations the way I have, and frankly, now I understand a little bit better, too.

My only question now is...how do you learn to forgive yourself? I can forgive anyone for anything. I can accept forgiveness from others, even when I know it's the last thing I deserve. But I can't..or maybe I won't...give myself that luxury, and +Kyle says it's something I absolutely have to do...for things that are 20 years old, in some cases.

To rebuilding bridges, and learning new things.

January 2012

S M T W T F S
1234567
8 91011 121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 24th, 2017 04:35 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios