lsdiamond: (Default)
Well, the trip was a lot more harrowing than expected. We're here in one piece, but I am utterly spent.

+Kyle likes the house.

Please don't wake me,
no don't shake me.
Leave me where I am.
I'm only sleeping.


May. 13th, 2004 04:01 pm
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We're nearly down to the last 24 hours... I imagine we'll be leaving out of here around 5:00 or so Friday.

I wish I could get excited about this whole move thing. Yeah, it'll be nice to see everyone, but I haven't been ready for this, and I'm not any more ready than I was.

At least +Kyle is happy.
lsdiamond: (Default)
ribbons of white silk, torn...
...a river, bitter and warm, but cooling
Its flow releases such pain
Pain for sweetness
Grief for rest
Sorrow for peace

I made no promise this time,
But you told me to feel loved
And so I stay awake another day
lsdiamond: (Default)

For the coolness
the stillness
the peace of eternal slumber

Why does death hide from me?
Why does it laugh, skipping just beyond view?
I still have work to complete,
but I seek rest.

"Too many would miss you,"
it says.
"But better now, than later, surely;
Should others know and miss me, too?"

Perhaps I will fail that no one cares when I am gone.

Alas, I have received my orders.
Time is against me.
But my time will come.
Peace will come.
The cold will take me.

Then I will rest.

~ 3/28/04 A.H.G.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast.

No matter how stressed out I am. No matter how bad this speech impediment becomes in any given day, if I have music, I can sing to it, and I'm fine as long as I am. It takes no effort, it just comes.

Dear God, my wrist is just throbbing. Haven't DONE anything about it, but man...I wanna. I am going absolutely crazy today with so much to do. I should have come back in last night like I thought about doing. >_<

I could probably stop drinking coffee, but then I would just want to sleep, so oh well. I guess I will just be jittery and stressed.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Mark came to me at work, really concerned, about 4:00. I'd been pretty badly off all day, and I know he caught me crying at my desk twice.

I know I'm depressed when all I want to do is sleep, and when my brain finally shuts down. I have a really hard time talking, or even standing up. I fight for words that should be right there, and my brain 'hangs', so I sound like a broken tape recorder.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...... Hooooooowwwww are you doing?' The last part will be really fast. It usually happens when it's something I have to access. Like a lady from the Chickasaw Nation was trying to send us an ad via PDF. Her original file was something in the neighborhood of 91MB, and her end PDF was 24MB. Way too big to email. So Mark finally got out of her that she was using Photoshop to save as a Photoshop PDF, so he asked me about it. THAT I could just took awhile. :P

Anyway, after he dealt with her, he came to me and just asked, "Are you okay?"

I shook my head that I wasn't, but that I was dealing with it as best I could.

"You didn't take anything, did you?" He used to do all sorts of drugs in his younger years, so I guess he thought he recognized something. He was clearly worried that I was OD'd on seomthing.

"No...I'm just... I'm back on antidepressants. This is what happens to me. My brain just shuts down. But it's okay."

He said he was sorry to hear that and said if I needed to go on home, I could have that option. I was both grateful and pissed off at once. Yes, he showed concern, but only an hour until closing time anyway. :P Isn't that rotten of me to think about?

I said I could finish out the day, and I did.

I've basically freaked everyone at work out, now. Niki keeps asking if I need anything. "A bullet to the head." She can say it with me now. :P I've decided I like her, even though she's sometimes a bit on the annoying side.

Edith's really worried about me, I can tell. I need to try to hide this better at work. There's a time and a place, and I know I have friends here, but the last two months here should be moderately positive. Then again, if I wig out, maybe they won't keep telling me they'll miss me. :P

Haha, I'm so funny.


Mar. 4th, 2004 06:45 am
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I don't know if I'm just that tired, or if my defenses are just that wrecked. Either way, the dam broke last night, so maybe that's a good thing.

I have no sense of coherency about last night, save that I told him I want out. Everything I do, I do for him. I know what I mean to him, and that's the only reason I've stayed...that and this bloody conscience and "fear of the wrath of God" and whatever else. And spite at all the people who said we would never work out. At first, it was out of love. Now, obligation. I told him my realization of having given up on us years having resigned myself to, "This is the way life is with him, I made a vow, so I'm stuck, so I'll just have to learn to deal."

I told him about years of living in fear for what he would do or say if I told him that something - anything - was wrong. He had a hard time grasping that, since what I've been telling him *lately* (which is true) is that he's doing so much better.

I acknowledged...thanked...him for *trying*. I know he's making efforts. I just told him I didn't know if I wanted those efforts to be made.

He couldn't talk much. One, he was just speechless from all this. He did apologize unendingly for putting so much pressure on me. For dragging me out to Oklahoma. For my being the only one really working. For not doing even little things around the house.

Two, I just had to ramble while I had some form of capability to recognize all the things that are wrong with me. He knew I've been unhappy. He didn't know I feared him that much. He knows I'm not in love with him. He didn't know it had been years since I'd felt anything at all.

I'm tired. Tired of doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do. I know I'm a terrible person for that. All this is selfish. I know that. I don't deny it; what's the point? He said only a terrible person would NOT do the right thing, but to me it's the same. If wanting to is the same as doing, I am as bad as the next. I just want to be happy. I can't even remember the last time I was happy. Not an evening out with friends or even a date with +Kyle. Those are bandaids when what I need is chemo. I mean *happy*.

He begged me to stay, to keep giving him another chance, reminding me that he IS trying. He knows the decision is made. He knows it's not because I feel anything for him, but because it's the right thing to do. He knows I'm unhappy. He knows my motives are not out of desire, but obedience. He knows my heart's not in this. Yet, he wants to get back to where we were, and believes it's possible. "If it takes another six years to unlearn this stuff, it's worth it," he says. I agree in principle, but I admit that it's a reluctant agreement.

We set some goals for the next two months. One, when one of us starts on a "I don't deserve you, etc." kick, the other to step in and gently correct. Two, to stop assuming the worst immediately. To, when something seems amiss, stop, and say, "I'm not going to get upset about this yet. There's probably a good explanation, and I'm going to ask first." I guess this is a good thing to do.

I woke up this morning, and for the first time, +Kyle was the one rolled over on the other side of the bed. I don't know what to make of this. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's something.

All I know is this is far from over, and it's a battle I gave up on a long time ago. I'm already defeated because of my beliefs, so why bother?

Unlocked Friday's post about the cut, since he knows. It's going to scar; my skin is just too thin for something so deep.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I'm back on crazy pills. :P

I'm 100% that I burned that prescription for the Paxil, so I biked out to The Dreaded (Mini) Mart of Wal after work and picked up some St. John's.

I seriously flipped out at work today. Shakes. Stuttering. Physically ill. I actually had to lie down for 10 minutes just to think straight. Hope I didn't freak anyone else out. I guess they're used to my 'crazy' by now.
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People keep telling me to look out for myself first. I must not know how to do that, because when I try, all it gets me is someone (anyone) not happy with the way I do things.

I thought I was past this. I thought I didn't care what people thought of me anymore.

Mark came up to me a little while ago, not really reprimanding, just saying that some things have gotten shuffled around in the confusion of having a new ad manager, and that I need to be sure that if I don't know where something really goes, to just give it to him or Sherry. (Meanwhile, Sherry is running around, crazed, and back to her not-so-pleasant self, and making me very uncomfortable).

What was I supposed to do? One thing was admittedly my fault - I put it up on the board because I assumed it was ready to go. I know, never assume, but how many people actually think I'm thinking straight these days? I apologized.

He stopped and said, "It's okay. You really don't have to apologize; you didn't do anything wrong, we're just letting everyone know.

I just want to cry right now, but I can't. I have weeks of tears stuck in my throat, and they won't come. I'm dying inside. I wish +Kyle was here so he would just hold me on the couch, and maybe I could maybe get all this out of me.

But then he'd want to know what was wrong, and then what am I supposed to do? It's all always the same old things. Work. Dog. House. Stress. Missing family. My problems haven't changed, and I haven't learned to deal with them any better. Everything that is wrong today is the same that was wrong a year ago, and even two years ago, with one exception: Now we are getting ready to go home, and now I have friends here I don't want to leave behind...again... I want to pack everyone up with me and take them back. Micah and I are getting closer as we talk through emails. And Joanna, to a lesser extent. There's my beloved Vera Jean, and our new pal Scooter, who hasn't seen Evangelion yet, and tells me about music I'll probably like, and taught me how to two-step. Then there's all the people I like to just chat & hang out with on game nights and stuff.

I have so many friends, and the best family in the world, but I have never felt more alone.
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I know, I said I wouldn't, but it hurts so much. I had to do something just to get through the day, and I can't sleep at work.

The blade was brand new. Clean.

It's a diamond-shaped cut. I kept it wet for a long time so it would bleed longer. It stings a little. It's a lot deeper than I ever cut before, but I don't think it'll scar. Even if it does, it's okay. I think it's pretty.

It's high. Will hide under a t-shirt sleeve. I should put something on it, but I don't really want to yet.

What I really want is to keep it open. Cut over it as it heals. Keep the lines fresh. They're so beautiful.

I'm not sorry I did it. I was just so sick today. If I can't sleep, I have to do something, and I have drugs nor herbs. I never filled that Paxil scrip, and I bet I don't have it anymore. I think I burned it. Not that it matters. It's like $100 for only a couple of weeks' worth...and that's generic. I don't have that kind of money.

But blades are cheap, and blood flows with no effort.

I hope I don't need this too much. +Kyle probably won't notice me coming home with a new wound now and then, since I'm such a klutz, but I can't make him suspicious, and it's getting too warm to wear long sleeves all the time.

I want to tell him, but he's going to be so upset with me when he finds out. He made me promise I'd never do it again, and we all know how he reacts to broken promises. Good Lord, it was just LAUNDRY! I'm sorry I forgot!

I have to stop thinking about this, or I'm going to do something else really stupid.
lsdiamond: (Default) killing me. It's finally catching up to my body and taking its toll. I am so dead today. I'm going to sleep through lunch...or try, anyway.

Lori's convinced my subconscious is working overtime. She says it's mad about something that my consciousness has either ignored or gotten over. This wouldn't surprise me, but what is it? I'm guessing stress over the coming few weeks. Moving again and all. Not knowing what's going to happen. Losing people all over again (even if we keep in touch).



Feb. 21st, 2004 05:21 am
lsdiamond: (Default)
Hey, I got more than 4 hours' sleep this morning! Can't sleep any longer now, but the neighbors are playing their music too loud again, anyway, so...*shrug*

I've been trying to decide what to do next weekend while +Kyle's out of town. I think I'll take a couple of the instant cameras around and take pictures of all the 'Crappe Emporiums' in the area. We've talked about doing it since we moved here, but with only a couple of months left, it must be done.

I also need to take some boxes of stuff to Goodwill or Salvation Army. Shall I go to Durant or Ardmore?

I'm starting to get scared about this whole moving back thing. I guess the reality of it is setting in. We have been here for so long, and feeling trapped for so long that it seemed we'd never escape. Now that the days are getting slimmer, I find myself being afraid to make that journey home. Do I want to live in Oklahoma for the rest of my life? God forbid! But now I have ties here, too.

Someone told me the other day they thought it was interesting that we were making all these friends suddenly, now that we didn't really *need* them anymore. It saddens me, because now it's going to be hard to leave, instead of being a completely joyful release and escape. I love VJ to death, and since I've been getting closer with friends from MSC, there are more people I don't want to leave. I have friends at work, too. I think I'm going to miss Jon the most, and vice versa. Every time my leaving comes up, he gets this sad little puppy dog sound to his voice, and says, "I don't want you to go." We have so much fun cutting up at work, and share music all the time, etc. Kindred spirits.

It's time to capture some memories. There's not much time left for it.

Speaking of capturing memories, I finally found the disc of pictures from Christmas! WAI! This is a good example of the *subtle* "goth" look that I usually wear. It's not that bad, now, is it? I'm especially proud of the katana picture. I couldn't have gotten a better shot if I'd tried.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Well, I had something of a spiritual experience this morning after my first post, so my outlook on the day is much better now than it was. More on that later.

I also came to a realization this morning. Mom said it a couple of weeks ago, but it didn't truly strike me until today. I have been seeing the world through these dimmed, muted glasses for so long it's been hard to see the bright patches that come up. Depression just does that to a person.

All it took was +Kyle saying 'thank you' for something as trivial as giving him the leaner piece of bacon at breakfast. I then saw a glimmer, and a realization that, while I *have* acknowledged that he is trying to do the things I need him to do, perhaps I have *not* acknowledged the frequency with which he does them. I'm going to spend a few days and really pay attention to what he says and does. I'm willing to accept the fact that I need to make some changes, too, in my attitude and in my outlook. I may even be willing to accept the fact that I didn't do it alone the last time I got out of this pit, and might yet be willing to accept the same help I had before.

I'm also making a conscious effort to smile more today. It's funny, but it really does make one feel better to smile, even if it starts out as rather fake. If you can get someone to smile back, it doubles the effect. In public service, they pay people to smile...why can't I just give it away?
lsdiamond: (Default)
So God spoke to me this morning. Audibly. I mean, it was in my head, but all clear. A voice I don't recognize, but know, despite. This hasn't happened in a *very* long time, and I have been avoiding contact lately, so I'm not surprised.

I was starting breakfast, and thinking how maybe I should just take (certain unnamed friend) up on her offer for antidepressants. It's an easy way out, but at least I wouldn't break my promise to +Kyle to "never cut again". At least I wouldn't care anymore. At least I wouldn't hurt.

So I went into the bathroom while it cooked, to clean up a bit before getting ready for work, and there it was.

"I sent My Son to die for you."

"...I know you did," I said aloud.

"I got you out of this once."

I waited. "...I know you did."

I waited more. There was silence awhile, while I thought...not directly asking, but just thinking questions. "Yes, but how did you do it? It's been so long...I don't remember." I thought I'd better be quiet inside so I could hear anything else, then thought, "Duh, He's God...He can drown the rest out if He wants to." More silence.

Then, "All you had to do was ask."

That's true. "Yeah, ask, and give myself totally over to you. I don't know if I want that in my life right now."

A little more silence, and then, as calmly and gently as before, "What is so wonderful about your life right now that you don't want to give it up? What are you going to miss?"

I don't know. Neither of us said anything else, but now I have to think. What *is* it that I don't want to give up? Misery? Sadness? Grief? Worry? The constant battle over my language? The nagging (if few and far between) thoughts of getting what I need elsewhere? The distress of having to talk to +Kyle about anything for fear of his reaction, despite the fact that he's doing much better? The daily annoyances? That unending on-the-verge-of-tears-yet-they-won't-come? I could be giving all that up. I wouldn't have to worry about it...about anything.

I have to go to work. I need to think.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I know it's not the answer, but I almost don't care. I'm so sick this morning.

Maybe if I just get something in my stomach to settle it...

I need to talk to +Kyle about everything now that I've sorted it out, but...ugh...I'm scared to. It's okay, D... He's not going to come back fighting right away. He's going to be upset, but he knows better than to take it out on you. You hope. But he asked last night if we were okay, and you said you were. But *we* *are* okay. No grudges, no hard feelings. *I* am not okay. I hurt. I need to be understood.

Maybe I should just give up...keep him happy again. I learned to live with losing before. I stood up for awhile, things got okay, but everything's just pressing down again on me. I can be a zero again. I even have a hat to prove it now.

I need a blade. Can't I just stay home from work today and sleep?
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She's afraid. Not for me, but for +Kyle.

She says the best thing he can possibly do is keep me in a small town. She "just knows I'll go wild" if I get near a city. She trusts me - knows my convictions and beliefs - and has lauded me for being as tolerant as I have been for the past two years. "You're a stronger woman than I am...I'd have left a long time ago, honey. Most women would have," quoth she. But she fears that he will either be unwilling or unable to either understand or accept the changes in me. Changes that have happened, and will continue to happen, probably until I'm 30...changes that occur simply because I'm a woman, and women change.

She calls me "so emotionally starved it's not even funny". I hadn't thought of it in those terms, but it's the same as Vera's sponge theory. She's worried that +Kyle will refuse to accept that he must also change and adapt with me, and that I will go out and eventually some other man will give me the emotional attention and support I want and need. (This after saying she knows I'll do the right thing, but I digress...)

She suggests I give +Kyle an ultimatum before this happens. She says I need to list everything I need from him, and give him, say, one year to meet all those needs. Tell him that, at the end of that year, we will reevaluate, and if we deem it's time to part, so be it. This way, he has a choice: to change, to adapt, to accept, or to not. If someone comes along who can and will give me what I need, +Kyle will have no choice in the matter. I think I agree with her in principle (i.e., choice) , but not perhaps in execution. It seems too extreme, because *I* change on a daily basis sometimes... How can I give a set amount of time for such a volatile thing as an evolving relationship?.

I hurt. I just want everything fixed. I don't want to turn this into a contest. Likewise, I don't want to find someone else. I don't want things to *get* that the point where I would have to choose who to hurt. I know which one it would have to be if I were in that scenario.

I hurt inside so. Let me hurt outside instead.
lsdiamond: (Default)
Having been unable to find a suitably sharp blade here at work, I have pierced my arm...just inside the elbow. There's now a sewing pin inserted as far as it will go. I've a bandage over it so it won't slip out.

I'm rather swimmy headed at the moment. I'd forgotten what this felt like. The pin feels strange under my skin..foreign. I don't want to take it out. I avoided major veins and arteries, so I'm not worried about loss of blood. Every so often it will hit the muscle of my forearm and sting a bit. It's very sensitive under one's skin.

If I didn't know there were very real chemicals involved with this sort of thing, I would think it was all in my head.

I feel rather sick to my stomach just now. Wonder if that's related.




Taking the thing out was rather unpleasant. Much more painful than putting it in, probably due to swelling. ah well. I did feel like vomiting for a few minutes after.

Haven't decided if it's worth it. I've several lovely little welts from looking for a good blade in the first place. I don't feel like it again today, though. Maybe another time.
lsdiamond: (Default)
...except those who care enough to ask...

I lost my identity when we moved. I didn't find myself until more than a year fact, I only just truly found a place I can be happy(ier) last month.

I'm sad inside. This negative energy fills me much of the time, and it's a bad feeling. I used to vent that energy by bleeding it out. That wasn't really so long ago, when I think about it. Seven years is not so long. Maybe that wasn't the best way to release those forces, but it worked for a little while. I felt good for a few hours afterward....then, when that went away, I slept, so it didn't matter.

Then I met +Kyle. Truly, he helped dig me out of some of that stuff. But he also made me promise never to do it again.

He's on a REALLY big kick about promises right now, so I'm a little limited on what I can do.

Dressing up, acting out, whatever you want to call it, it worked. It's like wearing the darkness on the outside actually transferred it from inside me - a sort of shamanism, if you will.

And it didn't hurt anyone.

But now I've disrupted the white bread corporate wannabeism of their golf country club lifestyle. I'm an embarassment to them, and they won't admit it to themselves or anyone else. They patronize me.

They refuse to recognize the fact that, despite my outward appearance, I have always...ALWAYS...put the customer first. Never have I yelled at a customer. Never have I been rude to one. I don't yell throughout the building, ranting about meaningless things. I don't lose things. I don't complain (except here) very much at all. I've taken two sick days, and they were both legitimate. There have been MANY days when I *should* have taken off sick, and didn't because the work had to be done, and I didn't want to burden someone else with the tasks. I've never asked anything of them. I've saved them money on numerous occasions.

The only thing I've ever done is be myself, and suddenly they can't handle it...and they hide it in their syrupy speeches, making lame excuses as usual.

This is no different than the racist pigs who judge by the color of someone's skin or the manner in which they speak. I've been judged by my appearance alone, my skills, talents, and accomplishments disregarded. It's okay that a co-worker with seniority says, does, and looks however she wants...just not me.

They do have a point. Certain businesses should exhibit a degree of 'professionalism'. But if that means everyone must fit into the same box, I want no part of it.
lsdiamond: (Default)
I went to Wal-Mart last night. Decided it was time for a change.

I bought:
the palest foundation possible
black eyeliner (2 packs by mistake)
tweezers (yes, another pair - these STAY in my makeup bag!)
eyeshadow applicators
Passion Flower Conditioner
Beef Jerky

When I got home from work, I washed my hair and did my dreads - only 7 this time. They're messy as usual, but not to worry...I have hats and bandannas for that very reason.

I'm now doing my self-medication of gothing up. There are conditions. I'm also restarting Induction. Two weeks. Period. Today is Day Two. I'm going to work out tonight since the weather's cool...don't know how long it will last, so I need to take advantage of it.

The point of this all is that I have four months to look fabulous. It can be done, but it's going to take serious work on my part. I don't necessarily want to have or need an entirely new wardrobe by then, but there should be a marked difference in my appearance from last year. (Truth be told, there already is, but I want people to stop and make sure that's really me.) I'm still blubbery, and that needs to go away.

In the meantime, I have asked for help in a lot of areas. I asked for a refreshing of the Spirit, and also for a new desire to give. It's more blessed to give than to receive, right? Well, I've been giving all this time and haven't felt very blessed. I've been giving *grudgingly*...because I've felt forced into it. I want to give because I want to, and naturally, desire, nay, expect, to receive the blessings promised because of it. I don't see anything wrong with this - a promise is made, and that's an exercise in faith that the promise will be fulfilled...provided I do my part.

So that's where I am for today...


Aug. 30th, 2003 02:24 pm
lsdiamond: (Default)
I am aware that I do nothing but whine about life in this thing.

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